2014: The Greatest Journey

Have a peek of my diary entry for the 1st of January 2014.

Despite the worries over deadlines, over unfinished works, over family feuds, over personal issues, fears and frustrations… despite the guilt, despite the sadness of the physical solitude…. I am anticipating this year. My heart is throbbing to the sound of Celtic Woman's The Call.
I woke up with a heart that truly anticipates today. I feel alive. I feel my heart, I feel my soul. I feel a certain joy despite the sadness. Life is the greatest journey and all we really have to do is open our heart.
I leave all the pains, frustrations and fears in 2013. I leave all the doubts, the resentments, the confusions, and all the emotions that strangled my heart in that year. This year, today is the beginning of the greatest journey of my heart and my soul.

Because today, I will continue to walk with Jesus...not fearfully walking behind Him. Not proudly walking before Him. Not doubtfully watching Him in the crowd. Not running away from Him. But walking with Him and holding His hand, trustingly, joyfully and poignantly sweetly, like a child.

Anticipating the New Year

 

In the past three years, I always spent my new year online, after the fire works and the food that is.

This year, I intentionally will go offline for the first part of the first week. Instead, I want to focus on the things that count and be the person I should be so that the whole year would be like it.

In the past new years, I always have a solo-after party moment. I spend the first hour of the year blogging. And listening to music or sometimes crying… I would sleep somewhere around 3 AM and wake up late to eat a sumptuous breakfast then spend the whole day feeling wretched because the holiday is about to end. I call them New Year panic attacks and cramming for crap.

But this year, I hope to spend the first day of the year differently. Different in a way that would help me be that kind of person I long to be – the daughter of the King.

What in me must die today, and what good must I allow to be born in me this New Year?

Happy New Year everyone.

PS. Of course I did not bake that cake. I may have grown up in my mother’s kitchen but she has always despaired that I just get in the way of her cooking and baking.

Blessings and the Problem of Pain

This is a whole day thought blog. I started today with Laura Story’s Blessings.

This is a song that deeply resonates in my heart for vague reasons: count the recent incidents that have hurt the Filipino people, and our own personal struggles to start with and you find a whole plethora of reality that would be beyond your notice and understanding.

Remember Job. Remember David and Bathsheba. Remember Peter (I’m sure he was hurt by his betrayal of the Lord). Remember Judas (and how he escape facing the pain of that same betrayal).

We are talking about the problem of pain. Once you know true pain, you’ll know true joy. If God is good, why has He allowed suffering and pain, we ask ourselves. I used to be totally beyond this question. I refused to confront pain and suffering because I was afraid to challenge the weakness of my faith.

My grandfather’s death was my first taste of pain. I was devastated because I was too young then. I learned to distance myself from things that matter because I know they will be taken away from me but I never counted God into the equation. I guess my first brush with reality made me realistic and I did not want to think that God wanted to hurt me because I just might hate Him for what He has done.

Every time I fail, every time I did not get the much coveted award, the much coveted honor and recognition, I just tell myself its all my fault. The death of pets would make me cry. I recall throwing a stone at the departing back of a Ceres bus because it ran over my dog. I was devastated too and I cried by the streets. But I refused to blame God or even think of God anywhere near pain. God has nothing to do with it! Things just happen. I should have made sure the door was locked and all the fences mended! And I should have shoot the bus driver instead.

Because I know old people die, I distanced myself from my remaining grandparents so it was not much of a blow when the two of them passed away last year. I cried yes, but I cried because I realized that my trying to distance myself from the pain prevented me from getting to know the joy of having them in my life.
I also did not like to fail so I never made much of an effort for anything. I could always say that my failure was all my fault, not God. I did not study much, did not prepare my papers well, did not work hard. God has nothing to do with it so I should not blame Him.

Pain. Sometimes, it is knowing that your family is about to be split-apart and since you did not know what to do, you just stand there and wait for the final blow, with eyes closed. Sometimes, it is hearing people talk behind your back, about your parents, your family. Sometimes, it your inability to do something for someone you love. Sometimes, it’s this gut-wrenching ache inside your soul that crumples you and destroys all your dreams.Sometimes, it is the realization of all those times you failed to stand firm against all the temptations in your life. Sometimes, it is that awareness of the guilt you bear and the knowledge that you cannot atone for it and that sense of unworthiness you have before Him… you love Him and He loves you but there is this vast evil river of all your sinfulness between the two of you that your soul yearns, hungers for His nearness like a physical pain.

But then, how will you know joy without knowing pain?

Choices

 

We all have goals and plans for the future.

We all have dreams and aspirations.

When I was in grade school, I wanted to be: a doctor, a singer, a writer,a novelist, a librarian, and a princess. In high school, I only wanted to be left alone to read my books (thus, I worked hard to give what my mother wanted i.e. honors and awards and then I spent most of my time pretending to study while I was really just reading) .

It was in college that a lot of wants came in. I wanted to become a SILAK writer (and promptly failed on my first screening). I vowed to graduate Summa Cum Laude (and graduated without any academic distinction because I was disqualified by a grade I had in Math). I wanted to become Most Outstanding Student Teacher (and was consoled with an Outstanding Student Teacher award in my Major area). I also planned to be a LET topnotcher (and of course, I was not). I always prayed for all these wants (but always with tongue-in-cheek so to speak).

I guess I did not get everything I wanted or planned to have despite my prayers back then. I felt as if God was not listening to my prayers. And so, I actually stopped praying for whatever it is that I wanted. God will not give them to me anyway!

After college, I just wanted to find work and a salary that would help us through our monthly needs. Once I had the work, I planned on career advancements, on improving my chances for promotion. I focused on learning the trade.

I refused to dream about getting married, and having a family of my own and all that. I was afraid to ask God for those things because maybe, God is particularly contrary with me. He would not give me the things I ask for after all.

By the latter part of 2013, I was singing a different song. I wanted God to tell me what He wanted me to do. I was waiting for signs, for His moving, for His voice to just tell me I should do this “thing” I was born to do because once I know, I will do it.

I know now that God is totally in control but “each one chooses”, as Jesus said in Francine River’s novelette, Unafraid (Mary’s story) . We all have choices. God respects and loves us too much to impose His will upon us. We can always chose.

I can choose to become a religious sister despite my mothers very dire refusal to even consider the thought and despite all the fears I have. I can stay single and pour all the love and passion I have to serving Him through my family, my own profession and my SFC community (or someday, the CFC-Handmaids of the Lord). And if He will send me this paragon of virtue He has intended to pair me up with, I can consider letting go of all my fears, inhibitions and insecurities and trust a man to love me enough to put a ring on my finger.

There are just so many possibilities with this life, this time on earth He has given me.

Whatever I chose ( and I still do not have any idea for now), I know I should chose to live that life with Him in it.

Broken Before God

 

 

Psalm 51 is a heavy psalm. I don’t know where I read this from, or if I did read it somewhere but this Psalm somehow echoes that feeling David may have felt after he learned how sinful he has become and how he has refused to even see it.

What is a broken spirit like? How broken can you be before you can say your are broken before God? Can you mend that brokenness?

A part of me is aching right now. I am broken. I can see the shattered pieces of myself all around me but I try to hide the pieces from Him and from myself. It’s frightening, the evil I sense and sometimes feel in me. I just want to be pure and clean and whole before Him. I need to feel that.

But the depth of loneliness and sadness  I feel right now, as I hide from Him, is killing me.  Is this what it means to be broken?

Outstanding in His Eyes

 

It has been a long, eventful and blessedly educational year with ALS (Alternative Learning System).

Even if there is no search, or even if there is no need to do so, I made a deal with myself to always prepare a portfolio. Earlier this year, I learned a lot about my deficiencies as a teacher while I worked on my portfolio and my PAST (Performance Appraisal System for ALS Mobile Teachers). When I honestly filled in the contents, I saw my weaknesses and strengths. I realized how weak I have been as a teacher and I saw where I should improve myself.

When I did not get chosen as Outstanding ALS Mobile Teacher, I was devastated and I managed to hurt others as well because of that feeling of inadequacy. I lashed out on a friend because I did not know how to deal with the feelings of loss. I have always defined my self by my career. I dedicated my whole life to it. When I did not receive the award, I felt betrayed… as if I was the one who was deserving after all. I gave my all, everything I am in this job. I always put my job above everything else. For the last three years, my job was above everything… I also felt as if I disappointed a lot of people by failing to live up to expectations.

It was a painful experience for me. I was filled with feelings of loss, betrayal, confusion, disappointment and guilt for having those feelings… it did not make sense. After all the things I did, this is the reward I get? I told myself I was not expecting anything, but deep inside, I wanted to be recognized for the sacrifices I made, for the sleepless nights I spent working on a lot of stuff for the betterment of the program.

However, 7 or more months after the fact, I feel utterly grateful for not making it. Deep inside is this gratitude surging within. That was the big learning curve of this year, the biggest. When I can no longer cling to my identity as a professional, I turned to being His daughter. There's no comfort in my work, there's no joy or reward in it. It does not make sense anymore.

But when I turned to Him, I realized why I had to experience that. In my desire to do everything for everyone, in my need to please everybody, I was forgetting the essence of the program. I forgot about my learners. I forgot about the people for whom the program was designed. I was not being a good teacher. Rather, I was becoming a trained planner who rushes out of the classroom when called.

From that failure and painful experience came a new perspective. If I did my best for my learners, if I was truly working for God and not for people, even if I do not get selected as outstanding mobile teacher, I would not be bothered. The praise and adulation of man is temporary but to do the will of God gives you eternal reward.

It took awhile. It took Him awhile to teach me that. Even if my 2012 portfolio claimed the message of Colossians 3:23, its embodiment was realized later.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people."  - Colossians 3:23

With this in mind and in my heart, I know I will never go wrong.

Lover of my Soul

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know, I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart (x2)

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart (x2)

Songwriters
BRONLEEWE, MATT / GLOVER, BEN / JOBE, KARI

                                                                                                         (www.metrolyrics.com)

Unseen Footprints, Unseen Truths

If you are a seeker and you long to encounter the Divine, I have a book for you. Unseen Footprints: Encountering the Divine along the Journey of Life by Sheridan Voysey

It has revealed a lot of exciting truths that I have never considered in the past. After reading it, I came to the realization that I am not yet fully aware of God and His moving in my life. I get consumed and distracted by earthly stuff like pride, anger, covetousness, jealousies, food, sloth and many others.

I have never fully connected the Creator with His creation thus making me know too little of the greatness, creativity, wonder, and variety that is God. I never fully pondered the various moods of the skies - how fast the sunny weather can sometimes turn gloomy and how powerful typhoons like Yolanda are. I never took time to carefully look at the way the flowers were formed, or how different shades green has for trees. I never once realized how different the animals are from each other and how different man is from one another.

God is greater than I ever pondered Him to be. His creations testify to that. This is one of the reasons why I praise and glorify God and I never completely grasped it.

Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leave you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing, and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it? I did it just for you." 

                                                                                       - Max Lucado

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.2)

 

 

My vocation is His purpose for creating me…

I really wanted to be able to say that I have discerned and accepted God’s purpose for my life. I started out as if I was on a quest of discovering my vocation! I was excited, and very eager to know God’s will for my life.

I have been in that particular mode for several weeks after the Regional Conference. I wanted to know! I had to know God’s will for me! And I tried finding out (as if I could do it on my own…)

After several weeks, I got tired of trying to find out. Now, I still do not have answers. I still do not know if it is His will for me to be single, get married or become a religious sister.  Not being able to know the answer has crushed my soul a little. I felt as if God was denying me something I really wanted to know! Or did I really?

I did find out several things about myself though. These discoveries has led to more confusion because I did not like what I learned. I have learned that I also wanted to get married and have a family of my own (and the really sad thing about it is I already have someone in mind, someone who will likely never notice me – this led to self-pity, resentment and binge-eating in order to cope with the depressing feelings). I also learned that I really did not want to stay single (and be a spinster, although this is what my family expects me to be and this just feels like the most likely outcome anyway) and since this is almost a given, I decided that I would rather be a religious sister than become a bitter spinster who hates everyone for being happy!

Those discoveries made me unhappy about myself. I once gave up on the idea of marriage for myself. I was content, or so I told myself. I even anticipated spinsterhood. I was determined to glory in it and enjoy the freedom and not be the stereotypical sad and unhappy old maid. I was going to become the cool aunt or at least, the nice and kindly although eccentric teacher.  However, when those convictions were challenged, when I was repeatedly told that God has other plans for us, I felt a surge of resentment and anger well up in me. I wanted to cry and tell them to not give me false hopes. It seems a big part of myself has already given up on the concept that someone other than God can love me for me…. And I did not want to be bothered anymore. I joined SFC because I knew I would be a Single for Christ – maybe forever and I even started inquiring about how to become a Handmaid of the Lord when I reach 40.

I really did not want to open myself to other possibilities!

Then came the frantic desire to be called, be chosen for something really special. I wanted God to show me signs that He wanted me for Himself. I long for Him to let me hear, know and really see that yes, I am called to become a religious sister because if I can only be sure, I would be brave and tell Nanay about it and even if it hurts her, I would follow God's calling. But, I did not ask God to do that because I was really afraid to know… I feel afraid to know what He plans for me…

Silly person that I am… wanting to know but not really wanting to know. I prayed for Him to reveal His will for me in a rather half-hearted manner… because I really am afraid to know about it and God knows it too.God knows I am unready to know His will for me and because He loves me, He is waiting for me to be ready for Him…

***

Wonderful and loving Father, thank You for being so patient with me. Forgive me for being impatient with You and for refusing to really know Your perfect will for my life. Father, grant me the desire to truly know what it is that You plan for me. Prepare my heart for Your plans and ready my life for Your wonders. Create in me the desire to know and the courage to follow You all the days of my life. Amen.

Stars in the Sky

Let me just sing when I can't find the words to say what I feel.

Wanted: Refilling Station

"Find You in the place I'm in
Find You when I'm at my end
Find You when there's
nothing left of me to offer You
except for brokenness"

When there are no words for feelings that swamp you and thoughts that overwhelm you...
When you have been "hollowed out" and there is nothing left at all and there's only a Song to hold on to, a Melody of grace..
When you look up and see no one but your face mocking you...
When there is no one to share those fears with, and no one to tell you to hold on, move on and be strong...
When standing up to those fears, those worries, those concerns become to much...

.... you can always kneel until He finds you and lifts you up from where you've stumbled...

Hollowed Out

 

Blogging is an effort.

I find it difficult to pour not only my thoughts but also my soul on paper.

A famous writer once said that writing  is effortless because you only have to sit before a typewriter and … bleed. Yes. Easy. I can literally see blood gushing out of my pores now.

What you read on this blog has more to it than just the letters strung together to form words to describe an experience, no an encounter that can never be fully explained.

I don’t like revealing this side of me to others. I don’t much like sharing my thoughts and feelings because every time I do, I feel as if a hollowing out is occurring within my soul. I would start to feel empty, as if all I have learned in that arduous experience has disappeared! The same happens when I share/ speak in front of my brothers and sisters in SFC. There is that hollowing out I have grown to dread, thus, making me want to hide when “sharing” time comes.

Everything I have written  or said will be tested the next day. Everything I shared will be experienced again. Everything I have posted will be re-encountered and the learning would begin all over again. It seems in this wonderful walk, you never stop learning.

But I can’t not share. I can’t say no anymore.

Saying no was easy before. Its easy to say no to my household head. ( I can’t say no when it comes to my work!) But now, I can’t say no to Him, not as easily as I used to.

The speaker in one of the workshops I attended during the SFC Regional Conference said  we should not keep our experiences with Christ to ourselves since it is not ours to keep.

I keep a diary. Since high school, I have learned to keep a diary because I had no one to share my secrets with. Keeping a diary kept me sane and really secretive. My diary contained everything I feel and thought of, all my angst, my anger, my irritation. It was only later that I learned I had very negative diary entries. Reading through it revealed how vitriolic I have been and how angry I was. People say I can’t be this solitary and sane. They were right too. My older diaries would attest to how “dark” my heart has become. Outwardly, they see this workaholic girl who is always so accepting, and seems so happy. They see this person who always says yes to what they want. But they do not see the bitter girl inside the diary, so full of resentment and anger…

I have burned a lot of diaries simply because I can’t stomach my own thoughts! When my mother found several of my diaries and read through my entries, she was crushed with what she found there. That was when I realized how hurtful my writing has become. I was writing, and thinking and feeling unforgivable thoughts towards people around me (and they thought I was this sweet, innocent girl who can’t say a bad thing at all).

Realizing that was crushing. Even my blog posts were reflecting my negativity. My posts were “God-less” entries in an already self focused blogosphere. Heavenessence was just one of those dangerous pot holes in an already pain-ridden world.

For the past few  weeks, I have learned this. The hollowing out is good because you are only being emptied to receive new fillings – fresher, healthier for the soul and better with your romance with God.

Lord, hollow me out and fill me with new wine. Refresh me and let me not fear the “emptying” process. Give me the courage to seek the “emptying” time so that I will be ready for the times of “refilling”.

A Sonnet for my One True Love

 

Back in college, there was one Shakespearean sonnet I adored simply because it initially described my idea of what marriage or love should be.

Sonnet 116

by William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove,

Oh no, it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempest and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth’s unknown. although his height be taken.

Love’s not Times fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickles compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom,.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ nor no man ever loved.

 

Well, to put it bluntly, this is the sonnet that disappointed me. I never found that kind of love. Around me, marriages were breaking apart, couples were splitting up after passionate weeks or months of being together. What once was so loved became so hated. I never trusted love after personally seeing what it can do to a twenty-year old marriage.

I would smile at heartbreaking break ups and splits and nod my head sagely saying Shakespeare was oh so wrong. I never experienced a break up myself but I considered myself lucky I was spared the trouble. I was one of the joyless club, I thought, but then I think I’d prefer to think I was part of the better-safe-than-sorry group. So I threw away that silly sonnet I carefully wrote on a piece of Cattleya note and lovingly taped on my college clipboard. Shakespeare was a fraud and love is just that, an urban myth.

And then, Love found me. My True Love found me in my most hidden corner, sulking bitterly over the silliness of life. And I learned, it’s not that Shakespeare was wrong.Its just that I have been looking for love in the wrong places. I have been searching and expecting it from other people who never really knew what Love is. I have been scouring every piece of romance novel I could find for my happily ever after and was more surprised I never found it there. True love cannot be found in a mere piece of paper or corruptible flesh. Love is this: that He gave His son, His only begotten Son, for us.

That’s love. That is my One True Love.

P.S. And yes, He proved Shakespeare right, every bit of what is written in Sonnet 116 is true.

 

 

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.1)

Love is a verb that requires an object.

That is the one sure thing I have learned about love. Touchy subject.So, how do I live my life in love? Living in love is truly living out your vocation or living according to God’s purpose for you.

I became aware that the Christian vocation may be lived out in any of the three basic ways : the married state, the single state in the world, and the religious state.

I used to think that when you say vocation, you really mean becoming a nun. That to go on a vocational discernment retreat (or something) is to emerge as a nun. But its not like that at all. A vocation is God’s calling for us to carry out a particular role he has designated for us in his plan. And God’s plan is none other than to bring all people in union with Him. (from a booklet by the Daughters of St. Paul)

I am at that point in life where I am seriously thinking about my vocation, something I have not done before.Until that fateful (and a little reluctant, yes, sadly, when it comes to God, I have been a reluctant disciple…) and eventful individual consultation with one of the nuns from the Daughters of St. Paul. (That was during the Singles for Christ’s Western Visayas Regional Conference last September 27-29, 2013 at Ateneo de Iloilo). She told me that the age limit for entering as an aspirant with the Daughters of St. Paul was 28 years old. I have reached that limit. 

If I don’t do something, a door will close for me, a door I am fondly considering. I like what the Daughters of St. Paul is doing. The Daughters of St. Paul is an international religious congregation of women who are called and consecrated to proclaim Jesus Christ and make His WORD alive to the world by witnessing to a life lived through prayer, study, community life and through the apostolate of social communications.

The nun I talked to (I forgot to ask her name!), said I could come and visit them anytime in their place in Iloilo. I could visit their Chapel just to pray and talk to them. The problem with this girl she was talking to is that if it involves taking the initiative, you will just have to wait forever. I never take the first step. I like being dragged around because if things go wrong, I could always blame the one who dragged me around! If Peter was the disciple who denied Jesus, and Judas betrayed Jesus, and Paul persecuted Jesus, and Jonah tried to run away from God, I guess my claim to fame (well, in my own mind) is that I am the reluctant believer! I want to, yes, but I am a coward!You need to force me to do something I actually wanted to do in the first place (but, tell me not to do something and I will set my mind on doing just that!). Besides, I like being sure and certain of things. (And I was told how erroneous this need is, fueled probably by a lack of faith in the One who holds my forever).

So now, I am seriously pondering where God is calling me, where He is leading me. I can recall several  things from the consultation and from the RECON itself.

1. I don’t have much time left until one of the three options is taken away from me forever.

2. I need to pray for the grace of  courage to do what God has called me to do.

3. I should learn to trust God with my future and not secure my future by myself (she told me that. I have the tendency to “ensure” my future and refuse to listen to His loving urgings).

4. Not all are called to serve Him in this way.  It’s a special call.

5. I need to be open to wherever He leads me. I should be open to all three vocations: the married state, single blessedness, and the religious life, while discerning and praying for my vocation, for His call for me. (I guess I clued her into the fact that I want single blessedness over the other two because holy matrimony and the religious life wreaks a lot of havoc in my heart ( I am afraid of both).

6. I need to pray, to listen to Him attentively so that indeed, I would be responding to His will, not mine, not my mother’s, not other peoples’ but His alone (freaking out here, how do I do that?)

I don’t know where this will lead me. I am not even sure if I want to know or if I am ready to know the answer. I don’t know where I will get the courage to tell my mother that, if I am called to the religious life, to be a bride of Christ, that I would be doing what she has called  “my foolishness”. (I used to joke about becoming a nun, just to tease them, just as I joke about getting married when I get irked with them a bit for disregarding me).

During the Provincial Conference last year, I felt that aching call which I set aside because I cannot face it at that time. I was unwilling, a lot unwilling and I told myself that maybe, my vocation was to become a blessing to everyone by staying single, because I could reach more people in the “normal state”.

Then, in this year’s RECON, why is there a discontent? A persistence for something else. Why is there a restlessness, a dissatisfaction in my soul? Why is there a call for more? I am already doing mission work just by being a teacher to my out of school youth and adult learners! I am already so blessed in my present state really. This should be enough. I am happy with my journey but why is it that there seems to be more, that there is something much deeper, richer and fuller somewhere out there?

I don’t want to regret not doing this. I am unsure where to start, but I am sure He will teach me, lead me, and make His will known to me.

I am His Beloved

 

 

Love is something I would have never touched with a two foot pole. Love is something I used to reserve to describe an emotion I would rather read about than experience. Love is something I always thought would eventually just lead to tears and disappointments.

I am familiar with hard work and dedication. I am very intimately connected with words like “obligation” and “responsibility” and “sacrifice”.

But I can’t seem to connect love and myself in one sentence….

I am currently reading “The Story of a Soul” by St. Therese of Lisieux and I feel a little resentful because God did not give me parents like He gave Therese Martin. The “Little Queen” (as her father called her) had a childhood filled with so much love – from her parents and her sisters and from her God. At such a young age, she was already drawn to the divine.

She has so much love to draw from.

I grew up in a household where love is not demonstrated. So, I grew up cold and callous and uncaring, not because I chose to be cold and uncaring but because I did not know how to be anything else. There was just nothing inside my heart. I used to feel nothing at all. I was seldom moved by compassion, seldom moved to tears, seldom touched by scenes that would have made others cry. I felt neither pain nor comfort, neither joy nor sorrow. Everything was gray. I only feel the things that hurt my pride. I was simply existing, moving on from one chapter of my life and stoically smiling over tragedies and triumphs, while inside, there was just this empty hole.

I was incapable of love because I never felt love.

St. Therese said “… I understood that if all the lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would lose its springtide beauty, and the fields would no longer be enamelled with lovely hues.” Why can’t I have had parents like St. Therese’s mother and father so that I would have grown up into a loving woman like St. Therese… so that I could have had known and loved God with all of me ever since I was a child?

But then, who am I to question His plan for my life? He gave me my Nanay and Tatay because He had His reasons. My parents are good parents.They are responsible parents and they loved me in ways I had not seen because I was expecting them to love me in a certain way. And now, I can honestly say that I love them… just as I love my brothers and sisters. No, not out of familial obligation and responsibility but out of something inside me that has been growing and breaking free since I felt how much He loves me.

Love is now a wonderful feeling. Love is now this strange and beautiful thing I hold out in the open when I am alone. It is something that I ponder and wonder at in the silence of my solitude. Love is so amazing. Love is everything and if not for my experiences, if not for the lack of love in my life before, if not for that void in my heart, I would not have this kind of appreciation, and sense of wonder before It.

Love is God. God is Love. God is amazing. Love is amazing. God is wonderful. Love is wonderful. Love is all I need. God is all I need… because I am His beloved and He is mine… And I love Him with all that I am….

See how He works? Glory and praise to the King alone.

Fair and Unfair

 

 

I was trying to hold back tears of frustration.

I was angry, and irritated and fed up and the anger was just fighting to burst out of my chest. I knew that when I let loose, it would be very ugly and awful.

As an advocate of freedom of self-expression and authenticity, I would have allowed myself to let loose. I just wanted to vent my frustration over how unfair everything is, just then.

When others get tired, or angry or fed up with you, they do not feel compelled to hold back on the censure. They will be very quick to make and pass judgments around and tell you to your face what exactly is wrong, in a very unkind manner. Worst, some would even go behind your back and tell others about what you have done wrong without telling you.

On my way home, while blinking back tears of pent-up frustration, I came to this realization. I was once like this. I was quick to make judgment. Quick to find fault. Quick to see what is wrong. I was so good at fault-finding that it became more than a habit. It become part of who I was. And it hurt a lot of people around me (and the sad thing was, I did not even realize this).

However, knowing what I know now and believing in what I believe in now does not change that attitude overnight. There are moments when I can feel myself reeling from trying to hold back! I am so angry I just have to vent it!

Last night, I even told my sisters how unfair they were to me. When they are angry or irritated, they feel that it’s okay to show it. Don’t they realize that the silent, pouting treatment is hurting me? It’s okay when they act childish and petty but when I do that, I get reminded that “SFC kaw, ga amo kaw ka daa?” (You are a Singles For Christ. Why are you acting like that?”). As if being an SFC has transformed me into a saint overnight.

And then, I prayed. (It was more the “anguished cry for comfort from above” kind of prayer, one that makes word unnecessary). Immediately, this thought flashed through my mind. “When Christ suffered for my sins on the cross, did He blame me for it? Did He cry out that it was all my fault and not His own that led Him to that moment? Did He tell me I was being unfair to Him? Did He ask me why He had to suffer for me when I refused to suffer for others in His name?”

He bore the pain quietly. He bore His cross in obedience, in quiet pain, crying out only to His father.

My God, forgive me for resenting my crosses. Bless me with the grace to bear them with the same love that You have borne Yours with. And in moments like this, let me turn to You for comfort when the wounds get too painful.

Under Construction

 

This blog is under construction…

It needs a little “creativity” and “love”….. In the meantime, let’s ponder this song and this saint whose Feast Day is being celebrated today.

You fill my night full with stars

Saturday Afternoons, Red Gloves and Tears

 

Still reading Unafraid, and was only able to finish Gideon’s Gift and Maggie’s Miracle from the Red Gloves collection, but these are stories that would change a readers life, if you only open your heart and head to it.

I was morose that whole week, wondering what I wanted from life and wondering why I feel so unfulfilled, and a little resentful about my lot in life.

That short, quick, unexpected Saturday afternoon talk with Nong Gil was certainly an eye-opener.

I wanted to write. I just don’t know why I can’t anymore.

I like teaching. I am just not sure why I feel so restless with what I am doing.

Reading, after God and family, is my one (well, three actually), Great Love. So, why do I keep flipping from book to book, cover to cover, author after another author, without really reading anything?

What could be so wrong?

I guess, I have learned to separate the heart from the brain that what the brain can comprehend, the heart can’t express and what the heart can feel, the brain cannot realize. Not really unusual. I may look like one whole big person but deep inside, I really am just one huge compartment with a lot of little compartments subdividing the rest of my life.

And that afternoon, I understand why I have to get hurt while reading a book and that it’s okay to cry (just not where my mother and siblings could see me). And that by so doing, I am letting my heart and brain connect with each other again.

I can’t write while I am not whole. I can’t be myself without the freedom of using what He has given me all along. I don’t know what I am capable of yet because I have always been too afraid to try.Still am though.

But this week, I found my way back into the arms of my most favorite activity, with all of me, this time. And while lying on a hammock, I absorbed one great story with both my head and my heart, taking in a series of stories involving a Red Glove and Christmas time.

After crying a river (Karen Kingsbury, seriously, knows how to make a person cry), and after engaging the whole of me in the exercise, I felt better afterward. This has always been the ultimate reading experience for me – taking in all my senses, delighting the intellect and stimulating the heart – and feeling good afterward.

Romance novels have dulled my heart after many years of gobbling them (they are just like the junk food of books). But, the kind of fiction that Francine Rivers and Karen Kingsbury create makes me feel and think and appreciate life. They make me feel more alive and closer to Him. They make me feel a part of Him, His creation. They make me think of Him and they make me cry because He makes me cry often. (And only He can do that – and reading too, and yeah, my mother as well).

And maybe, someday, I would be able to write something like what Rivers and Kingsbury have written and maybe, that would make me feel ever more alive, and fulfilled and much closer to Him too.

I Want to Write

 

Right now, I feel something literally screaming my name – the front cover of a book, several books, books meant to be written.

I have always wanted to become a writer, a novelist…

I chose to become an English teacher because I thought I would be able to become a writer and be practical at the same time. I thought I could do it.

When I became a teacher 7 year ago, I thought I only needed a laptop. When I had my laptop five or six years ago, I thought I needed time. I decided to become a Mobile Teacher because I thought I would be able to have the “time” to become a writer. And I never really did – finish anything that is.

I finished several unpublished poems that fell short of whatever literary criteria the world has. I was able to plot several young adult fiction that never came into fruition. I managed to blog about things that matter and don’t matter to me… I was able to finish a script which they intend to publish as material for our sessions, and with colleagues, we were able to finalize a modified big book and a brochure on responsible parenting.

Now, the call is so loud and so deafening that I could not think. I could not return to our fellowship with SFC because everything is so unclear to me right now. I want to write. I want to write. I want to write. I can feel this thudding in my blood. When the crowd goes away for the day, and I find the time to be alone, the same mantra begins to play in my heart.

But, I can no longer write romance novels I have effortlessly plotted when I was in High School. They seem too froufrou, like a mockery of the life I have seen so far. I can no longer write poems forthey seem to deep and too artificial a venue to express the slice of existence I have tasted in the past three years. I cannot seem to write short stories. I never knew how, anyway.

I want to write. I crave it with all of me. But why is it that the words refuse to flow, the plot refuses to shape itself, the inspiration fails to come?

I want to write. So why can’t I?

Grateful

Yesterday, I was reminded of how good life has been to me.

I have a family who would spend several hours preparing for a small, family-only celebration of my 28th year here on earth. I have a community who made me feel how good it is to have real friends and sisters in Christ. I have a rewarding work that does not only satisfy the pocket but the needs of the soul too.

All in all, I have a good life.

It was a bittersweet journey, one of confusion and joy and delight and pain and sadness. I was silenced, I guess. I could not write yesterday.

I was seeing things with eyes that are clouded with tears and a mind that could tell pain and joy apart. So, my heart was confused with all the mixed signals it was getting. I know, I have a good life.

God has been so good to me. But I have not really been good to Him, have I.

Wonderful Savior, You know what is in my heart. You know what I am going through right now. I leave everything to You, today. Do what You will. And open my eyes that I may see You clearly.

Between You and God

Everything is always between me and God and no one else.

For years, I have been trying to live up to the expectations of people around me. My life has become a constant blur in an effort to pursue their ideal.

I have never really stood up for something that I want and I have allowed people's dreams to litter my own landscape every day and every night. I wanted to please everyone - a total and complete opposite of who I was back in my school days when I never really cared about anyone's opinion.

Both extremes are difficult for a person. The heart becomes weary and unhappy. Being unfettered to your desires and that of others is no way to live.

But, failing to meet expectations was a good thing for me. It freed me to see something significant and more important in my life. Actually failing to meet expectations made me realize that I don't have to live up to the expectations of other people.

This is the first time in years that I felt unburdened and untroubled. Why? Because I saw that in the end, everything comes down to this: Everything is always between you and God.

Is what I am doing what God wants me to do? Is this His will for me? How do I know it is His will for me... Walk closely with Him, abide in Him, talk to Him every moment of everyday and He will tell you.

I may have hurt a lot of people in my solitary and sometimes confusing walk in this world. It's not easy to be me with all the confusions and doubts and fears... but, if others fail to understand me, it will still be okay for me. God always knows and understands and His opinion of me is all that matters. And, I know, He will make me understand others too...

Broken Generations

 

The world has coined various labels for its varied and many generations of people. Lumped together to be perfectly categorized into neat boxes, these generations have been born, existed, survived, and died. Some of its members left indelible marks in the annals of history, some faded like mere bubbles, fragments of an imagination that littered the world for a while with people.

But there is one thing common in all humankind… whether referred to as Generation X, Y, Z or whatever pretentious label man comes up with, all of man’s generations have always been broken.

Broken by the stings of an aimless, meaningless existence, stung by the poisons of inexplicable family dynamics, bitten by varied neuroses… Man tried to cope by rationalizing his brokenness. He tried to make excuses for his behavior by blaming others for it. No one was willing to take responsibility of choices that went wrong, decisions that lead only to more pain and hurt. There was always someone or something to blame. A broken man finds it easy to expose the chink in a fellows armor than deal with his own broken shield.

We are a broken generation. We are a broken people. And we try to heal our brokenness by covering it up with more broken armors and fragments of the self we could have been.

What glues us together are the very same things that broke us apart. The tiny pieces of ourselves have been cast away or were lost, and we believe that we can no longer find those pieces anymore.

But we don’t need those pieces. We do not need to hang on to the tattered rags we are wearing.

Someone out there sees our brokenness for what it is.But, since He crafted us in the first place, He knows that these broken chunks need to be broken, so that the beautiful masterpieces would come out.

We are a broken generation with scraped elbows, and bruised knees and we can turn to the Great Physician to heal our brokenness.

We are a broken people who can be mended by a great God.

Loving Thy Neighbor

 

I was asked to talk about this particular topic in an SFC Christian Life Program in a neighboring chapter. My first thought, to be honest, was Why Me? and then Okay… and then, I decided to set it aside.

However, now that the talk is drawing quite near, I started wondering why I was asked to give the said talk because hey, I do not know what that topic really means. Really. My college school mates once accused me of not knowing how to relate to other people because I read too much. You do not read people in the same way that you read books.And my own mother once remarked that she already pities my future husband (if I ever get married) because I was so cold-blooded and aloof. Even an acquaintance once remarked how distant I really am with them – that I am surrounded by brick walls, all over… brick walls that are 12 feet high, and 10 feet thick. It was a joke, but I guess jokes are often half-truths.

And deep inside, beneath the façade, is really this dead person walking – because if this dead person could feel, she would be crying, and groaning day and night… but since I only started crying after I joined the SFC, I guess I am not used to letting my guard down.

I do know that the 10 commandments can be summarized into two : Love the Lord your God with all your strength, with all your mind and with all your heart and love your neighbors as you love yourself.

Whew. Simple words and reminders for every Christian but… I haven’t even gotten close to loving God with all my strength, heart and mind and now, I am being asked to answer to the 2nd command Jesus left His disciples.

I always thought that a Christian’s curriculum is somewhat similar to that of the formal school but I guess Christ’s operates in a similar manner as the alternative learning system – He meets the learner’s needs first. (Well, that is indeed another way of putting it)

Oremus pro invicem (Let Us Pray for one Another)

 

C.S. Lewis often ends his letters to his friends in this manner… (don’t ask me for details, I have not yet finished the book edited by Paul F. Ford, Yours, Jack : Spiritual Direction from C.S. Lewis.

And I would never have understood what that meant' if I was not brought into the CFC-Singles for Christ. Prayer is a tricky matter to me. God blessed me with the gift of writing. The English language is a wonderful tool of expression for me. But when it comes to prayer, I am often at a loss, out of words.

Of course I know the prayers taught during or Catechesis in school but I never seriously considered a different aspect of prayer… prayer is talking to God… prayer is being with our Father… Even until now, prayer is a challenge for me.

I never really prayer for others. I did not know how. And then, when I pray, I often wonder if my sincere in my prayers, if my heart is in it.

But somehow, I was blessed with a new view of prayer – praying for others. I used to wonder why we are urged to “pray for one another” and what’s the use. Only later did I learn what praying for one another means. You can only pray for others when others have opened themselves up so that you can pray for them. You can only pray for others when you feel that stirring of the Spirit, that desire to comfort and offer comfort and you know, that you can only help by praying for that other person. Your own struggles are set aside and you pray for peace and comfort for this other person. You see God’s grace at work in another’s life and you are filled with so much hope that He does the same for you.

Sometimes, we are just too closed to our own realities that we cannot see God’s hands in everything we do. But, by opening up to my sisters in the SFC during our household meetings, I have learned to be vulnerable, I have learned to lay down my worries and ask them to pray for me and I let them lay down their worries so that I can pray for them as well.

Praying for one another is very important and I often wonder how God has designed everything in our live’s that makes communion with other believers a very life-altering experience for someone who never really went out of her shell.

Confessions of A Procrastinator

 

I procrastinate. I usually rationalize procrastinating.

For instance, when I have work to do, I always find reasons why I cannot do them immediately. One, I don’t know enough about it (so I need time to research and all that) . Two, I have other things I have to do first (and then end up not doing them as well because I am bothered with this pending task I must do but did not do). Three, this task is not in my schedule!!! (so I end up rearranging my schedule until deadline). Fourth, I need a break (and out came my mobile phone with its fancy epub reader), I can do it tomorrow anyway.

Oftentimes, I would get hook with reading, researching, resting, and prioritizing or scheduling, and reading and resting and the cycle goes on and on and voila… deadline’s tomorrow…

I shut out all questions, confusions, set aside the mobile phone, throw away the calendars, and the planners and the never ending list of things to do and focus…

After about twenty minutes (if its’ just a report), or about two hours (if it’s a very lengthy and complicated report)… all done! And I am amazed at how quickly it was done… last minute creativity.

But really, it makes me feel awful because it means I never had the time to check my final output… the perfectionist defeated by time.

The need to take charge and be in control of everything I do makes me procrastinate. I want to be sure. Since I am not sure, I had to hold back and wait for the perfect time. But then, the perfect time may never come so I should just….

 

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew, he also predestine to be conformed to the likeness of his Son. – Romans 8:28

What Do I Live For?

If my soul can sing right now, in the pit and the mire where it's at... this is just the song it would be playing...

Am I Heartless?

 

Am I heartless because I choose to live by my principles? Yes, I was heartless because I once chose to live by my principles – the principles of honesty, decency, loyalty and responsibility have been drilled into me by my experiences in my formative years.

Add the rather ruthless independent streak and the desire not to involve others in my troubles plus the desire to please everybody else around me, and yeah, I am rotten and heartless to the core…

Because I lived by my principles and not love… I was responsible, and decent, and honest to a fault (now I know what that means)…

But this time, I no longer live by those principles. I live by love. His love. How can I do something that offends my God but pleases other people? How can something offensive before the eyes of my Lord be good for His people? How can a lie, a deceitful action be ever good in the sight of this just and good and great God?

Now, am I heartless?

Am I heartless because I refused to swim and chose to sink and brought a whole boat with me? Am I heartless because I refused to do an obvious wrong?

I am hurt. The first and foremost person my action hurt was me.  My pride took a beating (and it needed that beating). My reputation was damaged. My promises of an easy way out has been destroyed. I have nothing…

Am I heartless? A lot of them has been hurt. My mother and I keep butting heads about it. My friends wonder at what I am doing… but how can I keep doing something that is so wrong to Him? How can I do that?

I chose this. I chose not to be god of my fate and the fate of others. I chose this because He is my God.

Now, am I heartless?

Wants: Mine, Hers and His

 

I wanted so many things from life. I wanted financial independence. I seek a good and comfortable teaching post. I desire further education. I want to travel whenever  I have the opportunity.

I also want my own nice little house… for myself and my family. I want a car too for a comfortable way of travelling. I want comfort and peace and prosperity and a quiet life. Those are the things that  I want.

My mother wants me to get promotions, to be in a position of power and fame… She wants me to explore my potential and she wants me to be everything she wanted to be… until she had me.She wants me to aggressively finish my post graduate studies. She wants me to win awards as an outstanding teacher. She wants me to have it all.

But it seems God wants something else for me. He wants me for something else. He placed me in a work where I uncomfortably started off. He wanted me to learn life’s lessons in a humble way. He wanted me to become a tough follower in celestial terms. He wanted me to do something else, not just sit in my room and write or read books. He gave me a family that’s too big to comfortably feed in a month, a house that uncomfortably squats beside public land, a body that does not sit well with the mind and ambitions planted in me since I was young. He placed in my heart a desire to be with His people when I have been reared an environment of distrust and confusion.

These three things, three ideals, three visions of what I want and what my life should be is tearing at me. But looking at it now, does it not seem clear which vision is best for me?

Thus says Yahweh, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I, Yahweh, your God, teach you what is best for you; I lead you in the way you must go. Had you paid attention to my commandments, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendants would have been like the sand, and those born of your stock like its grains, their names never cut off nor blotted out from my presence. – Isaiah 48:17-19

Triumphs and Tears

 

The results of the ALS A&E Test have come out this week and it was a fascinating study in contrast… another learning curve in my life.

I am feeling a poignant sort of triumph and assurance as well as a little regret for what must be but I am happy and confident that the learners who passed were indeed deserving and worth their salt. These learners are truly ready for college…

In my Passi NHS Learning Group, the following passed the test:

1. Anna Marie Agudon

2. Reanne Ruales

3. Dexter Dave Panes

4. Ralph Paclibar

5. Rhody Lyn Lapera

I am confident that these 5 are indeed ready for anything that will come in their future. They have gone through a lot. Life was not easy but at least, they have what it is needed to pursue a brighter future ahead of them.

To those who did not make it, there is still another year. I pray that together, we can prepare for what lies ahead.

To God be the all the glory!!!

When Worlds Collide

Musical description of my emotional state:

This is not my world and I am not made for here. But when you are totally immersed in it, you can either sink or swim. I need my lifeline... I need Him so much...

Developing Oneself while Developing K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials

This week's Workshop on the Development of K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials here at the GSP Helena Z. Benitez National Program and Training Center here in Tagaytay City is both a professional and personal growth time for me.

The writers @ GSP, Helena Z. Benitez National Program
and Training Center, Tagaytay City.

We were required to study the ALS curriculum vis-a-vis the K to 12 Curriculum of the formal school. Just going over the differences, similarities and gaps between the two is a nerve wracking process. Findings revealed that the ALS Curriculum for Basic Education is not that different from the K to 12 Curriculum once the gaps have been addressed... and that is the reason why we are here - to address the differences.

I have always been a solo-worker.

I don't really resent other people's opinion regarding how I work but the artistic bent in me desires full and free expression. I want to be able to fully explore all options and possibilities available to me.

However, we were grouped into learning strands and we were expected to work together. Since I am not used to it, I did not know how to approach this particular project. But with Ma'am Cora from La Carlota and Ma'am Elaine from Cavite, I was able to learn something essential. I can work with a partner or a group.

I can work even if I am not very interested in the material I am developing. I can actually surrender  and leave everything to God. I can go with the flow and trust that He will not drop me as long as I rely upon Him for everything.

I will probably be talking of all the other experiences, moving and touching experiences I had this week but yes, I feel so blessed because He never left my side at all.

Christ the Lord from a Vampire Writer

 

Anne Rice, yes, who would have thought. I probably lived under a big rock or something but this is the first time that I gave attention to my favorite contemporary novelist… again.

Well, yes, essentially, Anne Rice wrote the books I read in high school, which were quite popular to people my age then, at least, people whose opinion mattered to me. My romance novels were ridiculed even by my favorite teachers – they believe (and in a way I agree with them), that those books were not good for me.

But not Anne Rice. Anne Rice was okay. Well, she is okay to people with brains not like mine because you see, whatever I read, I consume. And I consumed Anne Rice’s world – just like Rowling and Shakespeare, and Bronte. I get away with romance novels because, these books can be read and discarded, just like that. They don’t really stick in my head and cause me nightmares. But not Anne Rice – no, not Anne Rice.

Armand haunted me for years. One of her books on witches haunted me for days that I penned a letter asking it to be taken out of the library’s circulation section. Her Queen of the Damned was with me all through my rides. She was boring with her prose but eloquent with her words and yes, she can capture you with the details. And she dazzled me with hers.

I followed Anne Rice. I even read her as Ann Roquelaure. Yes, it’s Anne’s pen name for her erotica and yes, I have read her three Beauty series. I even lent one of her books about an island of pleasure (I forgot the title) to a student.

And no, I was not that into Anne Rice and no I am not advicing you to read her books, not those prior to the Christ the Lord series.

I remember seeing Out of Egypt at National Bookstore years ago and imagine my surprise upon seeing whose name the byline is. Anne Rice. I mean, no. She could not have. And I ignored the book. I don’t trust Anne Rice at all.

Until I finished her book today and learned of how she returned back to the Catholic Church before her husband’s death. But prior to that, I read her announcment about how she was renouncing Christianity because of her son, her homosexual son.

All the Time in the World

 

When I heard from our household head that our area coordinator in the lower north sector of the CFC-SFC is leaving for abroad, the only words that crossed my mind was “I thought I had more time.”

I thought I had more time. I did not realize how much I would regret taking a rain check for a sleepover with the two of them last December. I never expected that I would regret clamming up whenever she asked me questions because I thought we were in a rather public setting. I never thought I would regret holding back questions I would have popped up just because I was afraid what those questions would reflect about me, and who I am or how people see me. If only I were more forthcoming, more open, more accepting, more courageous…

Sayang. So many wasted opportunities. So many chances of getting to know a woman who is so spirit-filled and so blessed as Sis Tess is. I could have talked to her. I could have shared, really shared with her.

What held me back? Fear?Trepidation? The usual social- distance- rule engraved upon me from my rather dry and sterile background? Being too shy? Insecure?

Cold creature comforts tonight – as I think of the overflowing blessings and graces I received just by listening to her address us in general. I listened to her and I was comforted, affirmed, strengthened, reminded, loved…

She has allowed God to love others through her. And I thought I had all the time in the world to really, really share in her life.

But all the time in the world ended today…..

Talitha Kumi

 

Mark 5:21-43 tells the story of my currently favourite miracle that Jesus has performed. This is the story that made me see Jesus, really see Him as a person, as one who walked this Earth before us, as one who truly lived. After I read this, I become truly conscious and very eager to read the Gospel because I know I would encounter this beautiful and wonderful Jesus again.

And He is amazing! No wonder we are drawn to Him, from the cradle to the cross, to the cave and to the throne.

Jairus came to Jesus to ask him to heal his sick and dying daughter. On the way, they were met by some people who came to inform Jairus not to trouble the Master any further because his daughter is already dead.

And what did Jesus say to Jairus?

But Jesus ignored what they said and told the official, “Do not fear, just believe.” A favourite sentence which now lingers in my mind every time I become afraid. Jesus telling us, do not fear, just believe – is it not comforting? Isn’t that enough of a security blanket on those cold and fearful nights when you find yourself wondering where the next cent would come?

They laughed at him. But Jesus sent them outside and went with the child’s father and mother and his companions into the room where the child lay. Taking her by the hand, he said to her, “Talitha kumi!” which means: ‘Little girl, get up!” – Mark 5:40-41

And what did the girl do? The 12 year old child got up at once and began to walk around.

Jesus called and despite death, He was heard and the one called responded, not with words, but with action.

Talitha kumi is a favourite phrase now. It reminds me that Jesus calls me every day and it reminds me that I should respond… lovingly respond not just with mere words but with actions.

In God’s Perfect Time

 

Two weeks ago, while rooting on old documents, I found a very old piece of bondpaper with a wildflower taped on its corners.

I smiled when I saw my handwriting. The short note was dated September 3, 2010. That long ago.

I smiled as I looked back on how I started a daily reflective walk back then. My world was in a terrible shape. I was floundering in the dark – professionally, emotionally, spiritually.

If you got to know me as I am now, you probably would not have wanted to get to know the Heaven that I was two years ago. I did not even like myself!

Attached on that whimsical note was a letter written on a yellow pad paper. It was dated November 7, 2010 and it was addressed to God. (It started with Dear God…)

I was asking God why I have an empty feeling in my heat. Why I felt so lost. I mentioned about being so emotional and then being so numb and dead inside.

I told God that I did not understand my self, my life and my world. I asked Him why he denied me the things I have asked from Him. I asked Him if He loves me or not. And to quote one line: “I’m sure You know what I am talking about even if I clearly don’t.”

And then, I asked Him for several things and yes, let me enumerate:

1. OSCYA’s to come forward so that I will have learners in my sessions

2. His presence in my life because I felt so far from Him

3. A new laptop and an internet connection (I had a second-hand laptop back then).

4. A much deeper connection and understanding from/with Him

5. Forgiveness and for Him to make me feel it

6. Emotions because inside I was dead

7. A better life (holier life and self – yep, I wrote that)

8. I asked Him to give me the “strength, the courage, the blessings to continue with this work that I no longer believe in”

9. Assign someone to watch over me and my idiocy and my sinfulness.

And to all 9, He has responded. He gave me Himself, fully, completely. He gave me a community where I can fully share Him and the people who believe and follow Him. It is beautiful how God works. And I did not know He was even working things out like that, so quickly, so drastically, and sometimes so painfully.

Every time I realize and feel His love, that overflowing sense of being so loved utterly and completely and unconditionally, I cry. I always cry. Because it is not normal for me. I took emotions and feelings for granted. I take love and affection for granted. I have learned to protect myself from rejection that I stopped feeling anything… and yes, I even could not feel His love… until He took my blinders.

Jesus is more real to me now. He is not just that hazy figure in history but a friend, a familiar friend I get to experience every morning and evening and yes, every moment of every day of my life. It’s just so beautiful, so overwhelmingly beautiful. Now I can feel how Jesus drew people and is drawing them still now.

And He gave it all to me, in His perfect time.

Like an Avalanche

I have never experienced an avalanche… but I have experienced this.

Yes, I find myself here on my knees again. Caught up in grace like an avalanche. Nothing compares to this love burning in my heart. And no, it’s not my love but His love…setting fire to my soul, creating a new song in my parched heart… A wellspring of love, unending, majestic and consuming love.

A Morning in A Church

 

What will you do if, one morning, while in Church, you find a woman weeping?

You don’t know her. She was probably someone from another town who just happened to require some space from her own thoughts.

She blindly entered your church, sat at the back row. Tears were streaming down her face and she bows down as she tries to hide them with her unkempt shoulder length hair. I wonder, sister, what would you have done?

Would you have gone to her to comfort her? Ask her what’s wrong? Would you have prayed for her, the least and the best thing that you could have done?

Maybe you will just stare at her curiously, wondering who she is, wondering if she will start bawling in church. You may even ask yourself if you should alert the authorities. I mean, who knows, she just might cause havoc in your quiet and peaceful and clean little church.

Or maybe, you might have ignored her, just like them, sitting and chattering about things that don’t really matter… who knows. But if they did just the opposite, they might have saved a flickering candle from completely dying out.

Going Through the Motions

There are no words for this.