Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of the earth
will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.
I used to sing this song simply because it made me feel better but I never really understood the lyrics – until recently. I finished a book too, recently. Good News for those Trying Harder by Alan Kraft. This opened my eyes to certain truths that my legalistic brain could not grasp. It was followed by circumstantial revelations and leadings which astounded me. Why did I not see this before?
I have been reading the book for quite a while too. It took me very long to finish the whole book and it left me with a heavy heart when I learned how I tried to live a life pleasing to God when He is already well-pleased with me. My God is so fond of me that He sent His only Son to save me from myself. I have a great God. A God bigger than religion. And I feel so blessed.
I used to be a workaholic – addicted to the taste of triumph and success of doing a job so well that I had no time for anything else. I had to run the play and watch in the sidelines as everything unfolds. I had to be in the center of everything I do. I want to work and work hard. Work defined my life. Being the responsible daughter, responsible employee, responsible teacher was all that I am. When I joined the CFC-Singles for Christ, I wanted to be a responsible Christian… I was so fervent in my desire to please my God that I never realized everything I did became a burden to me. I carried the heavy loads and responsibilities of work because I saw my God with clouded eyes. I thought I had to earn His love and work my butt off in order to please Him and be saved. I did not realize how poisonous that mindset was. It was the road to hell, not salvation. I was trying to find and attain life thru self-effort and not Christ. What I tended to call my prayer time every morning and evening were actually Bible Study time. I read the Bible religiously because I wanted instruction on how to live a life that is pleasing to God. I never knew that God wanted a relationship with me. That the Bible was only His love letter to me. He did not hire me to be His employee. Heaven and salvation was not the fee for services rendered. No. They were a given. We are already saved when we believe in Him, in His name. Trying to earn His favor by doing empty good works is not what He wants from us.
He wants us to enjoy Him. Delight in Him. Truly loving others and loving Him does not come from self-effort. We do not force ourselves to love our boyfriends or at least to like our crushes.We just feel the depth of love and affection and are sometimes overtaken by them. The same is true with Christ. Love begets love. If we only give Him the chance to work in us, if we open our hearts to Him – how could we not love Him? Everytime I read a book about His pain, His love, I get overwhelmed. I remember two songs actually. The King and I’s How Can I Not Love You? and Jesus Christ Superstar’s “I Don’t Know How to Love Him”
Love comes about because we bask in His love all the time. Patience comes about because we have this relationship with Him. The fruits of the Spirit comes about when we commune with the Spirit. Not out of self-effort. If we try to convince ourselves to feel moved, to feel compassion, to ignore our pain and be forgiving, and selfless and utterly dedicated to service, to work hard because we had to as Christians - everything will be for show then – like the Pharisees. I am like those Pharisees. I wanted to please God by doing penance and sacrifices, by following the Law – love God above all else and love your neighbor as yourself (it was difficult and painful and I learned to fake it). I was eager to please God even to the point that He would be very pleased and happy with me even if I was already hurting myself. I never entertained the pain. I told myself – think positive, think positive. But the gauze on the wounds of my self-inflicted pains kept dripping. The bile I had to drink made me bitter, made me angry, made me wonder why I always had to make the sacrifices. It came to the point when I asked, why am I the only who had to think of others. Does anybody every think about me, for me? This is not what He wants from us. This is not His plan for us.
Of course, Someone was thinking about me all the time – I just forgot to think about Him. My Wonderful Savior was just waiting for me to see Him, hear Him, feel His love. I was busy doing good works and reading the Bible that I actually forgot Him. Wow.
Are you like that too? Then let’s pray: Almighty God and Savior, Creator of Heaven and Earth, wonderful Redeemer and Healer of all pains, save us from ourselves, Lord God. Break our hearts that we may feel Your love, burn our eyes that we may see Your face, pierce our skins that we may feel Your presence… Show us Lord, how You have endured the most terrible of hell’s pain so that we need not suffer it anymore. Teach us that we need only to call upon Your name, and we will be saved. Amen.
