2014: The Greatest Journey

Have a peek of my diary entry for the 1st of January 2014.

Despite the worries over deadlines, over unfinished works, over family feuds, over personal issues, fears and frustrations… despite the guilt, despite the sadness of the physical solitude…. I am anticipating this year. My heart is throbbing to the sound of Celtic Woman's The Call.
I woke up with a heart that truly anticipates today. I feel alive. I feel my heart, I feel my soul. I feel a certain joy despite the sadness. Life is the greatest journey and all we really have to do is open our heart.
I leave all the pains, frustrations and fears in 2013. I leave all the doubts, the resentments, the confusions, and all the emotions that strangled my heart in that year. This year, today is the beginning of the greatest journey of my heart and my soul.

Because today, I will continue to walk with Jesus...not fearfully walking behind Him. Not proudly walking before Him. Not doubtfully watching Him in the crowd. Not running away from Him. But walking with Him and holding His hand, trustingly, joyfully and poignantly sweetly, like a child.

Anticipating the New Year

 

In the past three years, I always spent my new year online, after the fire works and the food that is.

This year, I intentionally will go offline for the first part of the first week. Instead, I want to focus on the things that count and be the person I should be so that the whole year would be like it.

In the past new years, I always have a solo-after party moment. I spend the first hour of the year blogging. And listening to music or sometimes crying… I would sleep somewhere around 3 AM and wake up late to eat a sumptuous breakfast then spend the whole day feeling wretched because the holiday is about to end. I call them New Year panic attacks and cramming for crap.

But this year, I hope to spend the first day of the year differently. Different in a way that would help me be that kind of person I long to be – the daughter of the King.

What in me must die today, and what good must I allow to be born in me this New Year?

Happy New Year everyone.

PS. Of course I did not bake that cake. I may have grown up in my mother’s kitchen but she has always despaired that I just get in the way of her cooking and baking.

Blessings and the Problem of Pain

This is a whole day thought blog. I started today with Laura Story’s Blessings.

This is a song that deeply resonates in my heart for vague reasons: count the recent incidents that have hurt the Filipino people, and our own personal struggles to start with and you find a whole plethora of reality that would be beyond your notice and understanding.

Remember Job. Remember David and Bathsheba. Remember Peter (I’m sure he was hurt by his betrayal of the Lord). Remember Judas (and how he escape facing the pain of that same betrayal).

We are talking about the problem of pain. Once you know true pain, you’ll know true joy. If God is good, why has He allowed suffering and pain, we ask ourselves. I used to be totally beyond this question. I refused to confront pain and suffering because I was afraid to challenge the weakness of my faith.

My grandfather’s death was my first taste of pain. I was devastated because I was too young then. I learned to distance myself from things that matter because I know they will be taken away from me but I never counted God into the equation. I guess my first brush with reality made me realistic and I did not want to think that God wanted to hurt me because I just might hate Him for what He has done.

Every time I fail, every time I did not get the much coveted award, the much coveted honor and recognition, I just tell myself its all my fault. The death of pets would make me cry. I recall throwing a stone at the departing back of a Ceres bus because it ran over my dog. I was devastated too and I cried by the streets. But I refused to blame God or even think of God anywhere near pain. God has nothing to do with it! Things just happen. I should have made sure the door was locked and all the fences mended! And I should have shoot the bus driver instead.

Because I know old people die, I distanced myself from my remaining grandparents so it was not much of a blow when the two of them passed away last year. I cried yes, but I cried because I realized that my trying to distance myself from the pain prevented me from getting to know the joy of having them in my life.
I also did not like to fail so I never made much of an effort for anything. I could always say that my failure was all my fault, not God. I did not study much, did not prepare my papers well, did not work hard. God has nothing to do with it so I should not blame Him.

Pain. Sometimes, it is knowing that your family is about to be split-apart and since you did not know what to do, you just stand there and wait for the final blow, with eyes closed. Sometimes, it is hearing people talk behind your back, about your parents, your family. Sometimes, it your inability to do something for someone you love. Sometimes, it’s this gut-wrenching ache inside your soul that crumples you and destroys all your dreams.Sometimes, it is the realization of all those times you failed to stand firm against all the temptations in your life. Sometimes, it is that awareness of the guilt you bear and the knowledge that you cannot atone for it and that sense of unworthiness you have before Him… you love Him and He loves you but there is this vast evil river of all your sinfulness between the two of you that your soul yearns, hungers for His nearness like a physical pain.

But then, how will you know joy without knowing pain?

Choices

 

We all have goals and plans for the future.

We all have dreams and aspirations.

When I was in grade school, I wanted to be: a doctor, a singer, a writer,a novelist, a librarian, and a princess. In high school, I only wanted to be left alone to read my books (thus, I worked hard to give what my mother wanted i.e. honors and awards and then I spent most of my time pretending to study while I was really just reading) .

It was in college that a lot of wants came in. I wanted to become a SILAK writer (and promptly failed on my first screening). I vowed to graduate Summa Cum Laude (and graduated without any academic distinction because I was disqualified by a grade I had in Math). I wanted to become Most Outstanding Student Teacher (and was consoled with an Outstanding Student Teacher award in my Major area). I also planned to be a LET topnotcher (and of course, I was not). I always prayed for all these wants (but always with tongue-in-cheek so to speak).

I guess I did not get everything I wanted or planned to have despite my prayers back then. I felt as if God was not listening to my prayers. And so, I actually stopped praying for whatever it is that I wanted. God will not give them to me anyway!

After college, I just wanted to find work and a salary that would help us through our monthly needs. Once I had the work, I planned on career advancements, on improving my chances for promotion. I focused on learning the trade.

I refused to dream about getting married, and having a family of my own and all that. I was afraid to ask God for those things because maybe, God is particularly contrary with me. He would not give me the things I ask for after all.

By the latter part of 2013, I was singing a different song. I wanted God to tell me what He wanted me to do. I was waiting for signs, for His moving, for His voice to just tell me I should do this “thing” I was born to do because once I know, I will do it.

I know now that God is totally in control but “each one chooses”, as Jesus said in Francine River’s novelette, Unafraid (Mary’s story) . We all have choices. God respects and loves us too much to impose His will upon us. We can always chose.

I can choose to become a religious sister despite my mothers very dire refusal to even consider the thought and despite all the fears I have. I can stay single and pour all the love and passion I have to serving Him through my family, my own profession and my SFC community (or someday, the CFC-Handmaids of the Lord). And if He will send me this paragon of virtue He has intended to pair me up with, I can consider letting go of all my fears, inhibitions and insecurities and trust a man to love me enough to put a ring on my finger.

There are just so many possibilities with this life, this time on earth He has given me.

Whatever I chose ( and I still do not have any idea for now), I know I should chose to live that life with Him in it.

Broken Before God

 

 

Psalm 51 is a heavy psalm. I don’t know where I read this from, or if I did read it somewhere but this Psalm somehow echoes that feeling David may have felt after he learned how sinful he has become and how he has refused to even see it.

What is a broken spirit like? How broken can you be before you can say your are broken before God? Can you mend that brokenness?

A part of me is aching right now. I am broken. I can see the shattered pieces of myself all around me but I try to hide the pieces from Him and from myself. It’s frightening, the evil I sense and sometimes feel in me. I just want to be pure and clean and whole before Him. I need to feel that.

But the depth of loneliness and sadness  I feel right now, as I hide from Him, is killing me.  Is this what it means to be broken?

Outstanding in His Eyes

 

It has been a long, eventful and blessedly educational year with ALS (Alternative Learning System).

Even if there is no search, or even if there is no need to do so, I made a deal with myself to always prepare a portfolio. Earlier this year, I learned a lot about my deficiencies as a teacher while I worked on my portfolio and my PAST (Performance Appraisal System for ALS Mobile Teachers). When I honestly filled in the contents, I saw my weaknesses and strengths. I realized how weak I have been as a teacher and I saw where I should improve myself.

When I did not get chosen as Outstanding ALS Mobile Teacher, I was devastated and I managed to hurt others as well because of that feeling of inadequacy. I lashed out on a friend because I did not know how to deal with the feelings of loss. I have always defined my self by my career. I dedicated my whole life to it. When I did not receive the award, I felt betrayed… as if I was the one who was deserving after all. I gave my all, everything I am in this job. I always put my job above everything else. For the last three years, my job was above everything… I also felt as if I disappointed a lot of people by failing to live up to expectations.

It was a painful experience for me. I was filled with feelings of loss, betrayal, confusion, disappointment and guilt for having those feelings… it did not make sense. After all the things I did, this is the reward I get? I told myself I was not expecting anything, but deep inside, I wanted to be recognized for the sacrifices I made, for the sleepless nights I spent working on a lot of stuff for the betterment of the program.

However, 7 or more months after the fact, I feel utterly grateful for not making it. Deep inside is this gratitude surging within. That was the big learning curve of this year, the biggest. When I can no longer cling to my identity as a professional, I turned to being His daughter. There's no comfort in my work, there's no joy or reward in it. It does not make sense anymore.

But when I turned to Him, I realized why I had to experience that. In my desire to do everything for everyone, in my need to please everybody, I was forgetting the essence of the program. I forgot about my learners. I forgot about the people for whom the program was designed. I was not being a good teacher. Rather, I was becoming a trained planner who rushes out of the classroom when called.

From that failure and painful experience came a new perspective. If I did my best for my learners, if I was truly working for God and not for people, even if I do not get selected as outstanding mobile teacher, I would not be bothered. The praise and adulation of man is temporary but to do the will of God gives you eternal reward.

It took awhile. It took Him awhile to teach me that. Even if my 2012 portfolio claimed the message of Colossians 3:23, its embodiment was realized later.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people."  - Colossians 3:23

With this in mind and in my heart, I know I will never go wrong.

Lover of my Soul

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know, I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart (x2)

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart (x2)

Songwriters
BRONLEEWE, MATT / GLOVER, BEN / JOBE, KARI

                                                                                                         (www.metrolyrics.com)

Unseen Footprints, Unseen Truths

If you are a seeker and you long to encounter the Divine, I have a book for you. Unseen Footprints: Encountering the Divine along the Journey of Life by Sheridan Voysey

It has revealed a lot of exciting truths that I have never considered in the past. After reading it, I came to the realization that I am not yet fully aware of God and His moving in my life. I get consumed and distracted by earthly stuff like pride, anger, covetousness, jealousies, food, sloth and many others.

I have never fully connected the Creator with His creation thus making me know too little of the greatness, creativity, wonder, and variety that is God. I never fully pondered the various moods of the skies - how fast the sunny weather can sometimes turn gloomy and how powerful typhoons like Yolanda are. I never took time to carefully look at the way the flowers were formed, or how different shades green has for trees. I never once realized how different the animals are from each other and how different man is from one another.

God is greater than I ever pondered Him to be. His creations testify to that. This is one of the reasons why I praise and glorify God and I never completely grasped it.

Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leave you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing, and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it? I did it just for you." 

                                                                                       - Max Lucado