Solution

I have been going over my stash of music videos and songs when I actually made myself listen to this one. I searched the lyrics and discovered how beautiful it is.

Lost a Little

After I first attended CFC-Singles For Christ Chapter Meeting two weeks ago, I was inspired by Sis.Tess to read my Bible again and keep a regular praying time everyday.

I used to that before I joined SFC and even during the SFC Christian Life Program. However, I never managed to do it consistently because of the guilt I often feel after doing something that I think God does not like.

The guilt weighs so heavily upon me that I often end up ignoring the Bible and God for months. I would be shaken by some troublesome experiences and then, I would go back to Him on bent knees crying my way back into His ever forgiving arms.

But it seems my human nature is just too human. Blame it on genetics, or just the environment that does not seem to encourage living a half-decent and perfectly Christian life. I am a Christian who often thinks, acts, and speaks in an unChristlike manner. (Does that make me a nonChristian then?).

I am tired of making excuses for myself. Tired of always failing and disappointing Him. I hate the way I am, so weak, so mortal, so human. 

Life without Him is empty. Life without Him is meaningless,useless, pointless. But I cannot seem to keep myself in line. 

I actually keep an epistolary journal address to Jesus. To my surprise, I often find myself brutally honest when I tell him things I could not even admit to myself. And then, at times, it feels as if He is telling me things too. Like He is comforting me. He is always so accepting of me.

Why the verbal self-flagellation? I missed out on my date with Jesus this morning...and I am to weak to even reach out to Him.

How do I keep myself chaste and Christlike and perfect like Him? How do other Christians do that? I am fascinated with the Houstons. They are a family of believers. Bobbie and Brian Houston, a married couple, are actually senior pastors and founders of Hillsong Church. They have three children, the eldest of which is Joel Timothy  Houston (whom I have researched extensively, followed on twitter and just sort of had a late crush on - there, it's out). It must be nice to be a part of such a family of believers. Their Christian foundation must be quite strong.

However, like most other mortals, I came from a family (if you can still call it that) of not-very devout Roman Catholics. But I had an overzealous Catholic grandmother who had to force me to go to Church when I was young. She and mg grandfather who spent a lot of his time listening to the Word of God as it was aired on the radio every morning, were my best examples of how a Christian behaves.

My parents don't go to church. I don't go to Church too because don't feel comfortable when there are just too many people around me, cooped up in an enclosed space. I was part of our Parish Choir when I was in high school. After two years, I left though. I was always a misfit anyway. There was the Children of Mary, a sort of organization of devout Catholics who pray to Mary of the Miraculous Medal - but then, I never really felt comfortable with the concept of praying to Jesus through Mary. Must be a by-product of my extensive reading habits. Intellectual curiosity - too much of it- can lead to a lot of pitfalls.

I turned myself into an atheist when I was in second year college - all because I did not finished reading the Philosophical justification of atheism and theism. I just read the first part, returned the book and convinced myself that God is just a figment of man's needs to blame things on someone else. 

Then, something broke my soul when I turned 20 and I had to cling to God. Because He was the only one around for me to cling to. He made himself known to me, reached out to me through a song I still cherished to this day...a song which I heard again last night when I first attended mass on my own volition, with no coercion from other people who wanted what was best for me.

I was drawn by the empty church. It was Friday I guess. I only planned to spend a few minutes in the adoration chapel. But then, when I saw that there were only a few people, I came in....It felt nice, peaceful even.

But I am still lost. Why can't that girl be right? Why can't He just take away all our propensity for evil at just one go? The slow process is crushing every piece of me little by little. Just when you thought you have overcome one propensity, you discover another. 

I am, i think, lost...a little...