Blessed: 2012 in One Word

The year 2012 is marked by many realizations and personal discoveries. It has been sprinkled over with so many experiences that cannot be expressed in mere words. There is, indeed, only one word to describe 2012 for me. Blessed.

It has been a blessed year. And I feel so incredibly blessed and loved by a most magnificent and amazing God. 

In today's readings, one word screamed, yes, screamed at me. Blessings. At first, I really did not feel blessed, but looking back now, seeing what the word really means, yes, I am blessed. 

So for 2013, I would like to start with this passage from the Bible from today's First Reading. God instructed Moses and Aaron on how to bless His people (wow, He even has instructions).

"May the Lord bless you and care of you; May the Lord be kind and gracious to you; May the Lord look on you with favour and give you peace. " - Numbers 6:24-26

Happy New Year everyone.

These No Longer Matter

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of the earth

will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace.

 

I used to sing this song simply because it made me feel better but I never really understood the lyrics – until recently. I finished a book too, recently. Good News for those Trying Harder by Alan Kraft. This opened my eyes to certain truths that my legalistic brain could not grasp. It was followed by circumstantial revelations and leadings which astounded me. Why did I not see this before?

I have been reading the book for quite a while too. It took me very long to finish the whole book and it left me with a heavy heart when I learned how I tried to live a life pleasing to God when He is already well-pleased with me. My God is so fond of me that He sent His only Son to save me from myself. I have a great God. A God bigger than religion. And I feel so blessed.

I used to be a workaholic – addicted to the taste of triumph and success of doing a job so well that I had no time for anything else. I had to run the play and watch in the sidelines as everything unfolds. I had to be in the center of everything I do. I want to work and work hard. Work defined my life. Being the responsible daughter, responsible employee, responsible teacher was all that I am. When I joined the CFC-Singles for Christ, I wanted to be a responsible Christian… I was so fervent in my desire to please my God that I never realized everything I did became a burden to me. I carried the heavy loads and responsibilities of work because I saw my God with clouded eyes. I thought I had to earn His love and work my butt off in order to please Him and be saved. I did not realize how poisonous that mindset was. It was the road to hell, not salvation. I was trying to find and attain life thru self-effort and not Christ. What I tended to call my prayer time every morning and evening were actually Bible Study time. I read the Bible religiously because I wanted instruction on how to live a life that is pleasing to God. I never knew that God wanted a relationship with me. That the Bible was only His love letter to me. He did not hire me to be His employee. Heaven and salvation was not the fee for services rendered. No. They were a given. We are already saved when we believe in Him, in His name. Trying to earn His favor by doing empty good works is not what He wants from us.

He wants us to enjoy Him. Delight in Him. Truly loving others and loving Him does not come from self-effort. We do not force ourselves to love our boyfriends or at least to like our crushes.We just feel the depth of love and affection and are sometimes overtaken by them. The same is true with Christ. Love begets love. If we only give Him the chance to work in us, if we open our hearts to Him – how could we not love Him? Everytime I read a book about His pain, His love, I get overwhelmed. I remember two songs actually. The King and I’s How Can I Not Love You? and Jesus Christ Superstar’s “I Don’t Know How to Love Him”

Love comes about because we bask in His love all the time. Patience comes about because we have this relationship with Him. The fruits of the Spirit comes about when we commune with the Spirit. Not out of self-effort. If we try to convince ourselves to feel moved, to feel compassion, to ignore our pain and be forgiving, and selfless and utterly dedicated to service,  to work hard because we had to as Christians - everything will be for show then – like the Pharisees. I am like those Pharisees. I wanted to please God by doing penance and sacrifices, by following the Law – love God above all else and love your neighbor as yourself (it was difficult and painful and I learned to fake it). I was eager to please God even to the point that He would be very pleased and happy with me even if I was already hurting myself. I never entertained the pain. I told myself – think positive, think positive. But the gauze on the wounds of my self-inflicted pains kept dripping. The bile I had to drink made me bitter, made me angry, made me wonder why I always had to make the sacrifices. It came to the point when I asked, why am I the only who had to think of others. Does anybody every think about me, for me? This is not what He wants from us. This is not His plan for us.

Of course, Someone was thinking about me all the time – I just forgot to think about Him. My Wonderful Savior was just waiting for me to see Him, hear Him, feel His love. I was busy doing good works and reading the Bible that I actually forgot Him. Wow.

Are you like that too? Then let’s pray: Almighty God and Savior, Creator of Heaven and Earth, wonderful Redeemer and Healer of all pains, save us from ourselves, Lord God. Break our hearts that we may feel Your love, burn our eyes that we may see Your face, pierce our skins that we may feel Your presence… Show us Lord, how You have endured the most terrible of hell’s pain so that we need not suffer it anymore. Teach us that we need only to call upon Your name, and we will be saved. Amen.

 

 

 

He Broke My Heart Many Times

He broke my heart many times.

He took away my toys-

     Trampled on my palace walls.

     Destroyed my prince and princess

     And smote my mighty fortress.

He broke my heart many times.

He annihilated my room -

     Demolished my CD stacks,

     Knocked down the many shelves,

     And threw out all my books.

He broke my heart many times.

He crushed my little home -

     Pulled apart its foundations,

     Smash its ramparts upon itself,

     And burned down everything else.

He broke my heart many times.

Until I fell apart and found myself in His arms –

     Broken heart made whole

     And stonelike no more. 

                           - written on November 21, 2012, 08:50 PM

I am Pro-Life

   from http://www.spiritualquestionshelpline.com

The November 15 FOTM reflection sort of "affected" me in an unexpected way.

I have never really been an active supporter of the pro-life group when it came to the RH Bill but this bowled me over.

Wow. This is just so terrible. I mean have we come to this? Have we really? And how could I care less? How could I have been so tolerant and so open-minded about all this?

RH Bill has never been a personal issue or dilemma for me. I was more the "educate the teens, make them feel loved" advocate. When you ask me what my opinions are regarding RH Bill, I would say, "I do not know enough to even make an opinion". In short, I do not really much care to know enough and make an opinion.

The Roman Catholic church is very distinct on its pro-life stand but I did not want to be judgmental about people and non-believers but yes, we as believers should know and should take a stand against the perpetuation of wickedness in our midst. And if the world condemns us for our beliefs and faithfulness to the Word, we simply had to remember that Christ has already overcome the world. :)

I have just noted 1 Corinthians 6:12 and sort of applied it to other aspects of my own life but the verse applies to this as well.

Here's a look at the November 15 Facts of the Matter reflection:

November 15: Could This Be Next?

"'Dear Mom:

'Gosh, can you believe it's 2023 already?… It seems just yesterday I was sitting in first grade celebrating the century change. I know we haven't really chatted since Christmas. Sorry. Anyway, I have some difficult news and I really didn't want to call and talk face-to-face. Ted's had a promotion and I should be up for a hefty raise this year if I keep putting in those crazy hours. You know how I work at it. Yes, we're still struggling with the bills.

'Timmy's been 'okay' at kindergarten although he complains about going. But then, he wasn't happy about day care either, so what can I do? He's been a real problem, Mom. He's a good kid, but quite honestly, he's an unfair burden at this time in our lives. Ted and I have talked this through and through and finally made a choice. Plenty of other families have made it and are much better off.

'Our pastor is supportive and says hard decisions are necessary. The family is a 'system' and the demands of one member shouldn't be allowed to ruin the whole. He told us to be prayerful, consider all the factors, and do what is right to make the family work. He says that even though he probably wouldn't do it himself, the decision is really ours. He was kind enough to refer us to a children's clinic near here, so at least that part's easy.

'I'm not an uncaring mother. I do feel sorry for the little guy. I think he overheard Ted and me talking about 'it' the other night. I turned around and saw him standing at the bottom of the step in his PJ's with the little bear you gave him under his arm and his eyes sort of welling up. Mom, the way he looked at me just about broke my heart. But honestly I believe this is better for Timmy, too.

'It's not fair to force him to live in a family that can't give him the time and attention he deserves. And please don't give me the kind of grief Grandma gave you over your abortions. It is the same thing, you know. We've told him he's just going in for a vaccination. Anyway, they say it is painless. I guess it's just as well you haven't seen that much of him.

Love to Dad:

Jane'"[172]

"You shall not murder." (Exodus 20:13)

The annotation states this as the source: First Things, page 84, Number 85

For more information, check: www.factsofthematter.org or download the Bible Explorer for your offline reference.

http://www.catholic-chaplaincy.org.uk

In Quiet Praise

They praise You in song,

In the wondrous beat of gongs.

They praise You with drums

With the wild, ascent of sounds.

But here I am

In a church corner,

My knees bent down,

And my head bent low-

As I whisper my gratitude

With all that I am, in quiet praise.

                         - undated, but written several months ago

Someday

Someday,

I want to write a song

Telling You how much I love You.

Someday,

I want to be able to sing

Of a love from within me

That overwhelms me completely.

Someday,

I want to be able to fondly claim

That my heart is consumed

By the passion You inspire.

For now however,

I pray,

Let me feel Your love

That I may love You

Someday…

- written on June 2, 2012, 10:07 PM

Fragile Faith

My faith is weak. Tested, it crumbles and everything falls apart.

Lord, give me a stronger faith. Make me believe that You will provide for our needs as we need them. Make me understand and believe that even if things go wrong, You will see me through it all.

In You, everything will be alright. That despite my weaknesses, my sinfulness... I am still loved and forgiven.

Away from the World

Sometimes, life gets too cluttered with non-essentials that we often need to step back for a change in perspective.

I have started (albeit half-heartedly) this retreat three weeks ago and today, I am on it's third week. I pray that He will sustain me and keep me faithful in this particular program.

I know, I am one of those types who can't keep things going after the first flame of passion has petered out but this journey is not something that I willfully started. He led me to this particular walk and I expect He will keep pulling me until it is completed.

If you want to try this retreat (pray first and ask for strength from Him, we need it)... just visit this link...Online Retreat for Everyday Life. It's a 34-week retreat patterned after the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola.

Before you begin, open your mind and hearts and trust Him who led You to this retreat.

The State of the Fallen

Dark. It is very dark where I am today.

There is no visible light.

I wanted to reach out but I am afraid of what I might touch in the darkness.

I wanted to call out, but I am afraid that I would lead them to my corner of this darkness.

So I lay still, shivering, huddled in one corner...

Waiting...
Just waiting....

Unfaithful in the Silence

I could not hear You in the silence. I was disappointed. I sought You in the darkness, but hit a thick and tall wall, I was hurt.

It took me a day and I gave up on You when You waited for me for a lifetime. When I could not be comforted, I turned away, and like a scorned bride, looked for comfort elsewhere.

I thought I was mature. But I guess I was really too young in the faith to ever carry off the faith in the silence.

I know now I should have kept praying, because even if I cannot feel or hear You, You still here me. I know now I should have kept reading, because even if the words do not mean a thing today, they will mean something tomorrow.

I should not have thought it was all a waste of time, knowing now that I am on Your time. I am sorry for being unfaithful. I know now that I should have kept the faith, even in the silence.

Reeling from My Reality

    I could never seem to get my feet back on the ground.

My World of Work: Sharing yourself with others often drains
you dry.

A week of work (or no work for that matter) and I am still reeling from the things I have realized, and learned. It's like I need sometime to absorb all the things I have learned, let them seep through my pores and settle into the deepest part of my soul.



That short, spiritual stint was like a taste of some drug. Although I have not tried any, I think I have experienced a certain "high" that I keep longing for... fellowship with Christians who simply love without judging you for either past or future is one of those happy feelings I have come to cherish.

This must be what is meant by 'heaven on earth". It must be nice if all
 of humanity feels this same oneness. It must be nice if that feeling of oneness, of loving one another is felt at home, at work, in every community, in our secular world.

A Scene from the SFC Provincial Conference: When the cup runs
dry, fill it up from the great Source

Maybe I am just trying to reconcile both areas of my life - the spiritual and the secular. And maybe I cannot seem to comprehend why I have to be so on guard outside the SFC community and be so open inside it. Maybe I am just trying to keep the usual numbness from killing the growing bud of love within me.

The fruit of the spirit is love. A loving community is a sign that it is indeed a place of worship for God. Without love, all is an exercise in futility.

Lord, I pray, teach me to love... Teach me to absolutely surrender everything to You... And I pray, when I get back into the world, a world I should not be a part of, lead me to the path that You want me to take.

Through the Mirage

Two day's after the SFC Provincial Conference and I am feeling another bout of restlessness. 

I took the day off (well, not totally since I am also working on the MIS at home), in order to think about certain matters, and ask myself questions that I fear to answer.

I am currently reading a book by Robert Fabing, SJ which deals with Self Knowledge. The Spiritual Life: Recognizing the Holy is one difficult book to understand. You just can't pause somewhere in the chapter and expect things to flow when you take up the book next time.

It demands a thorough read through (huh). Anyway, this reaffirms ( I am getting terribly fond of the word), my experience during the Weekend Retreat at the Carmelite Missionaries in Duenas. 

And I have come to realize the same thing as well. I am living an image. I could not consciously remember everything but I realized that the real me has not emerged. What people see is the me I wanted them to see. Reliable, serious, dependable, non-threatening, soft-spoken, quiet and mousy, Miss Do-It-All. They think I am this nice girl in the corner who simply loves to have life pass her by. They think I am this obedient and self-sacrificing daughter.

But deep inside, a voice was rebelliously and querulously plotting the downfall of such a person. I am not Miss Goody-two-shoes. I am the empty shell of a girl denying her real self.

Inside me, there is emptiness... I do not know how to love. I know responsibility, obligation, and decency. I also know about morality and accountability. I value honesty.

And I wanted to be perfect for a reason. But I am not perfect. I am totally imperfect. I am a fake. Inside me is an angry grl crying out, screaming in frustration and rejection. I have been rejected and in order to protect myself from such a pain, I denied all feelings. I became an automaton.

Currently, through my work as a Mobile Teacher and thru the SFC community, I am being taught how to love. I have come to know social feeling through my learners. But I have yet to learn of love. I know God loves me but I am the one incapable of it.

I would not know love even if it gobbles me up alive because my idealized self killed all feelings inside. I realized I have been dead for a long time now. 

The Spiritual Life, according to this book, is a journey inward... a process of getting to know oneself, getting to know the real self.

I used to think I knew who I really am. Now, I realized I truly do not know who I am... and I want to know who I am as God created me, not as I wanted to appear to others... I want to be real. To be true. I have been faked for a long time. I have been seeking for a long time. 

Lord, I pray, give me the wisdom to know where to look for that self I have hidden from for a long, long time. I also pray for the courage to confront the person You have created me to be... and not hide from it anymore...as mentioned before, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"... and I want to know that fearful and wonderful creature You have created. 

With all of Me

Not less that one year with the CFC-Singles for Christ and I am learning a lot. I have also experienced a lot. Indeed, I remember saying something unkind about SFC before I became a part of it (that was on February or April 2011, I think).

And on the same year, I joined the group.

Now I know how it feels to worship and praise Him with a community of believers. Listening to others speak about our wonderful and amazing God keeps the fire burning...true.

After our Lord's Day, I backed off from the community for a while. Guilt trips, confusion, doubts made me step off a proverbial cross road in my life. I think the worldly me refused to let go of the world and its delights and pleasures. Another part of me felt unworthy and undeserving of such a profound declaration of commitment.

The SFC covenant in itself was a daunting hurdle. I am in a financial mess, I have siblings to look after and I have a mother I need to placate most times. I have a demanding workload that requires me to be on call 24/7.  I also have my ambitions, the raging desire to conquer the world of the academe...

But, one Sunday morning, He reminded me of the best thing that I could ever have - His love, His unconditional, unceasing, amazing, and frighteningly overwhelming love. I felt loved, totally loved and consumed by that love that morning that I could no longer say no to His call.

He created me for something. He gave me so much for something.

But the walk was not easy. The road was unpaved.

I did not know how I was supposed to think, to feel and to behave. I did not know where to go. I did not know what spiritual guidance was like. All I know is that He loves me and I want to love Him back.

I started attending household meetings, chapter meetings, and for the first time, the SFC Provincial Conference last May 26-27, 2012.

I was astounded by His hand throughout it all. I learned that God provides and He guides every step we take.

Two weeks before the provincial conference, I was already suffering from a secret sin (one I have shared with our DGL during the CLP). And I was wondering if I will ever be able to do something about it.

God did something about it that day, during a workshop-one I would not have consciously chosen if I was able to read the subtitle. Thankfully, the registration form did not have the subtitle.

The workshop was an eye opener. The speaker, a tool, an instrument for affirming what I already know but refused to believe in.

We keep singing songs that claim we worship/praise/follow Him "with all of me" but did we ever really surrender, not just our strengths but also our weaknesses to Him? Trying to deal with the problem on my own was not the answer. Trying to deal with it was not the answer.

He said it will not be easy (and it is not) but, just remember, God is a GREAT GOD. We are children of God. And if He is great, can we be anything less?

Now, I know why the covenant requires us to join ALL activities of the SFC.

And yes, I am looking forward to the Regional Conference this year. And if God wills it, I would be joining as well.

When Nothing Makes Sense

I filled my life with work, familial obligation, friendship...and still, it is not enough.

I decided to go one step better and joined an organization of young men and women who are searching and still, it is not enough.

You might think that I am happy, satisfied with life. How do the English put it, 'I am most content." Am I?

No.

Because in my heart, there is a hunger for more. In my heart, there is this compelling urge to give more. My line of work requires me to do so. Give more and get less. But, still, it is not enough.

I am starting to feel this nagging sense of unease that's eating me from the inside out. I want to do more, be more for Him. I want to give it all to Him because to do less renders everything meaningless.

There is a gaping hole in my heart that no worldly thing could ever fill. I want my God. It cries, relentlessly. I want to serve my God.

But, I know I am unworthy of it all. A sinner, not just in action, but more in thoughts and in words and in motivations. And still, my heart craves for more of Him. I long for that time when I can do something and honestly say, Lord, I am lifting this up to You. This is Yours. Be glorified.

Lord, I do long for that day when I can honestly say that my life is truly yours, that everything I do, I do in Your name. Lead me to that day.

Waiting on God

Praying. Household Meetings. Service. Reflections. Quiet time.Bible Study.All of the above?

As God's children, we do these and more.However, it seems we have forgotten one essential thing about being beholden to an all-powerful and living God. - waiting on Him.

We pray often, sometimes in silence, sometimes muttering under our breaths or sometimes with the perfected memorized prayers coupled with beads for assurance...

We have our quiet times with praise and worship songs as background. We read and study the Bible along with helpful commentaries and dictionaries. We list down the things that touch us spiritually...

But, in these practices, we have forgotten one thing. Waiting on God.

Are we spending too much time talking that we no longer give Him the chance to give us His message? Do we often say that we leave everything to Him but end up worrying and drastically putting things to right?

I know I did. I cannot help it. I spend too much time in the secular world to fully comprehend that my God is a powerful God and my God wants me to hear Him, listen to Him and LET Him do His will in my life.

He has a wonderful plan for us. Are we letting Him work on that plan? Or are we struggling against His very will for us?

Lord, I know You know what's best for me. Teach me to trust You with all of my heart, all of my soul and all that is in me so that through me, You can work wonders.

Walk in this World

Our walk in this world will take us to different paths.

As of now, I am unsure what path to take. But, I feel that God wants me to do two things: (1) stay here in my country and (2) work with people.

I tried to keep justifying my work, my profession in many terms. By answering the question why am I doing what I am doing, I often end up in a spiritual quandary. I like my work. I like doing the things I do. But I am not sure if God is happy with what I am doing. I am not sure if this is indeed according to His will.

I realized just now that I have not really prayed for Him to reveal His plans and His will. I seemed to be quite content with what I am doing but when I have to analyze things in light of spiritual and Godly principles, I become unsure.

The invitation extended by a Carmelite Missionaries sister is appetizing. Join the search in so that you will know what God has planned for Your life. At 26, I am currently wondering if I have reached that point where I want to be sure.

Is this enough? Am I really doing God's will or I am just trying to convince myself that this is His plan for me?

Lord, lead me to the path You want me to take. Make me humble enough to heed Your call. I pray for Your unceasing guidance in every decision I make. Help me Lord, to see the path, that You want me to take.

Wild Wanderings 1

My wandering started years ago. When I was ten, I traveled the route of the unguided curious toddler in the faith. Unless you count the really toddler years when I was forced to hear mass and endure staring through the black and white veils of my grandmother's cohorts.

I read the Old Testament in search of stories. I read and never understood the Book of Revelation simply because a friend told me about "the number" and the "end of the world". I read the first of the Gospels and failed to appreciate the good news. But then, I do remember having a huge crush on Jesus because of the movie "A Child Called Jesus". Jesus remained a child in my mind and he never really grew up for me. I prefered recalling the cute boy who played that role.  As is common with me, I got bored with the whole thing a few months later.

Then, there were the moments of the fervent and "misguided" religious. During my teens, I think I joined all sorts of organizations in the Church back then. I was with the Youth Ministry, the Jerusalem Choir, the Children of Mary of the Miraculous Medal, the Youth for Christ (one weekend only), the St. William Parish Choir...

It only took me two years to get bored of the whole exercise. I decided to go solo after that. Be a regular spectator, not to get involved. Just hear mass now and then.

And then, during college, I learned of atheism. Philosophical preoccupations led me to this weird walk. I started rationalizing God. I started reading a book on Philosophy, read the arguments for atheism and failed to read the ones for theism. Too much knowledge is a dangerous thing, indeed. Drink deep or taste not the ....(forgot the exact word)  spring.

My Journey: Personal and Intimate

I am on a journey. I now see how the earth is supposed to be our land of adventure and discovery and the one thing that we seek is God.

I did not see it this way before. I knew I was on a Journey. I just never realized what that journey was for. I knew I was seeking something. I just did not know what it was. I also know I was supposed to be doing something as well, that I have a task in this world. I am just not sure what that was.

So, I went on with life as if I were simply travelling. I was a bus with no route. A traveler with no map and no specific destination. Was I lost? No, I don't think I was. I can only be lost if I have a destination in mind and I am no longer in the right path towards that end.  But as it is, I had no place to go. I was just moving around.

But not anymore. After SFC, after that single retreat before lent, I have come to realize a lot of things. I am on a pilgrimage towards Christ. My life is like the story of everyone else who walked this earth before me. Just like our graduation song in elementary school - we are pilgrims on the journey ...a journey back into the embrace of our God.


Although I have come to the ripe old age of 26, I have only taken a few, mincing steps forward. Most of the sprint, the walk, the climb even the crawl that I made in the past were made towards other directions but not towards the right one.

Now, step by step, like an infant learning to walk, I am making my way towards Him. The path is not clear. The road is not easy. And the funny thing about walking down this foggy road is you cannot even see the map. It's dark. It's too quiet by far. It's my journey alone.  But, I am holding on to Someone's hand this time. I am listening to Someone's voice as He guides me along the way.

He loves me. He loves me with the kind of fearsome, frightening love that sends me to my knees every time I realize and feel it. But, I cannot honestly tell Him that I love Him. Not yet. There is a little of it in here, in my heart, but it is not yet the all-encompassing and outpouring love - the love that I long to give Him, the love that I know I am capable of giving to Him. All of me, and everything in Me.

But that is the end of my journey. Me and Christ. Reconciled. Me loving Him with all that I am and everything that is in me. Me basking in the wonder of His love and mercy.

The CFC-SFC Covenant

After completing the Christian Life Program of the CFC-SFC last year and during the Lord’s Day last August 28, 2011, we were given our SFC tool kit containing a sort of welcome note, the CFC guidelines for business dealings between or among members, the SFC Bible Reading Guide, a one-year reading guide for reading through the new testament, an ID, and a little booklet thingy which enumerates the Covenant of the CFC Singles for Christ.

Here is what is written in that covenant.

Trusting in the Lord’s help and guidance:

1. I shall live as a follower of Christ:

·         Pray daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Read Scriptures daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Live a righteous life and avoid situations which are occasions for sin.

·         Put good order into my private life and support my parents in building a Christian family.

·         Participate regularly in the worship life of my church.

2. I will work towards the evangelization and transformation of my work place, my family and my community:

·         Put good order in my work situation

·         Be a witness of the love and power of the Lord Jesus in my work and in my family

·         Be a good steward of all resources entrusted to me.

·         Be a good citizen of my country, obeying its laws and protecting its environment.

3. I will be a committed and active member of the CFC Singles for Christ:

·         Attend my small group meetings regularly and support the good order of the meetings.

·         Faithfully participate in all the activities of the group.

·         Relate in love, loyalty to and respect for all my brothers and sisters in the Lord.

·         Intercede daily for the group and its mission.

4. I will make myself available to the Lord for service:

·         Bring other single men and women to Christ.

·         Give generously of my time and resources to the Lord’s service, whenever I am called and follow directions of those who have responsibility for the service.

·         Support the work of Couples for Christ and its ministries.

5. I will study and seek to grow as a Christian person:

·         Attend all teachings, retreats, seminars and conferences of the CFC Singles for Christ.

·         Diligently study all materials given to me.

May the Lord Jesus Christ help me to be faithful in living out this commitment everyday for His greater honor and glory and for the good of my brothers and sisters.

_____________________________________________

Signature

Until now, I have not yet signed the covenant because of certain fears, and certain issues that I have not yet clarified. I told myself I was not ready to follow it. In fact, I am not the only one who has not signed the covenant. I know several brothers and sisters who have not signed theirs because of the fear and the doubts that clouds the heart – maybe, I can’t live up to the covenant, I am afraid of disappointing the Lord,  I am not good enough, I am unworthy, I am not strong enough…

We only see the bottom line – the blank that requires our signature. I did too. I keep seeing the back flap of the booklet every time I attempt to sign. It seems to mock me in my humanity, my weakness…

History shows how many times covenants have failed. In fact, man seems to be predesigned to fail God most of the time. We have so many custom-made excuses for our failure to obey Him. I am only human, we say. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. No wonder SFC newbies are afraid to sign this covenant. It asks us too much. And we want to have the excuse that if we did fail, we can only say that we have not signed anything – but this, this contract is very clear in its stipulations.

However, in all our worldly fears, we seem to have forgotten a statement at the beginning.

It says: TRUSTING IN THE LORD”S HELP AND GUIDANCE…I WILL…

I would never have signed this covenant… until yesterday’s exposition with our retreat master, Sr. Rose of the Carmelite Missionary.

Last Saturday, I was made to face my fears and my pains and there were a great many of them. They led to a feeling of numbness, a “deadness” inside that festered and affected my growth as a child of God. I took on roles and lived fixedly to those roles all the while thinking that if I let my masks slip, the world will reject me. I became the selfless daughter, the workaholic government employee, the patient teacher, the generous sister, the nice friend… but they were all on the surface. It was not me, not who I am. The self, according to Sister Rose, has four layers. We have the outer layer, the role self (the masks we wear), then we have the natural self, the actual self, and the true self.

It pained me to realize that I never really progressed from the outer layer. My actions, the things I do, never really came close to who I am. And this has destroyed all semblance of self-knowledge. I was a broken person, someone who barely knows who she is.

The fears and the pain clouded everything in me that despite all endeavours, I never really felt God’s love…until yesterday morning when His love, his amazing love, destroyed me…or who I thought I was.

He loves me. I felt it. His tremendous love humbles me and drives me to my knees time and again. I do not need to feel rejection because He loves me. And that is all that matters. His love.

So today, (err, I wanted to wait until Sunday but I want to sign this today), I will be signing my personal covenant with the God who loves me. I am not perfect. I am not strong enough. I am not worthy and no matter what I do, I will never be worthy of that love He has for me. To wait until I become worthy, perfect and strong enough will be to wait forever.

But, He has promised to help me. He has promised to hold my right hand. And I will always turn to Him when things go wrong and I start reverting to my masks.

I will trust Him, trust in His love.

Desert Song

My facebook timeline indicates that I am currently going through a Desert Experience. Currently wading though sandstorms and all that head. Whew. (I am feeling physically tired too).

Right now, after the ALS Lingap Kalikasan Program (tree planting), and while waddling through tons of paperwork, I can't help but think about the escape I so long for.

Anyway, tomorrow the CFC-SFC will have its retreat at the Carmelite House in Dingle ( I am not really oversure of the venue), and yes, I am looking forward to the experience.

This will be the first retreat I will be joining after high school. I have been looking forward to joining such retreats I just never had the chance, time and opportunity to do so.

And while were at it, above is the song I keep listening when I am down in the dumps. It does make you feel better afterwards.