A Page from my Journal

 

I went to a Carmelite Missionaries search in last August 9, 2015. It was a bittersweet moment. But, here is what I wrote about it in my journal on that date.

Yep, I have been unsure when I started. After the search-in, I suffered from a headache and a feeling of tiredness while I was travelling home. I was depressed, desolate and unhappy… and I was not sure why. I was also afraid and sad.

The SFC Regional Conference 2015 helped clear the cobwebs a bit (more on the mega impact of the RECON later will be posted later though).

Here is an entry I wrote in my journal today…

“It was in the RECON 2015 that I have decided to be honest with myself. I also want to get married someday. I also want to have a family of my own. A husband who will love and cherished me in the way God intended a man to cherish and love a woman.

I long for that physical, actual emotional manifestation of the Lord's love in another person. The only bad thing about this is that I have a specific person in mind. And I know it should not be this way. I know I should wait for the special someone God has given to me…

I was going to be honest. I still liked the Carmelite Missionaries. I like the idea that there are sisters who have given their lives fully to the Lord. In fact, I would have loved it if I felt called in that way too.

However, if I insist on this vocation despite the discomforts I have been feeling, I would be very dishonest. I did not feel comfortable during the Carmelite Missionaries Search In. I felt pressured and upset and dissatisfied and bothered which is completely unlike that strengthened, nourished and enriched feeling I get from SFC Teachings, Conferences and Household Prayer meetings.

As I was travelling home that day, I felt drained. I suffered from a terrible head ache. I was upset and I could not settle down. I felt tired… the whole week after that, I struggled terribly from my usual addictions… I felt haunted and hunted.

Everything eased a little after our SFC Evangelization and CLP Training the Sunday after the Carmelite Search In. The community reminded me to stop stressing, to be faithful and to believe in the promises of the Lord.

Still, I felt frightened by the lack of security in the future I am envisioning for myself. Realizing you really don't feel called is rather embarrassing and disappointing. I was not really happy during the search in, I felt so self-conscious (this is the reason why I intended to finish the search-in in the first place. I needed to make sure that this is how I felt).

I am afraid because I have always used the religious vocation as an alternative to the kind of life I truly feared but wanted. I fear commitment and making myself vulnerable to another person because I have trust issues. I don’t know if I am capable of loving another person that much and I fear that when I realize I could, I won’t be able to believe or accept that another person can like or even love me as I am. Not in the romantic sense, no.”

 

So yes, that’s how my vocation discernment is going right now. I really wanted to be sure. But I am in a state of chaos…

However, a dear friend told me to that if I trust the Lord, if I have faith in Him as I claim I have, I will not fret or fear the future like this. Instead, I will hope in His promises and His plans because He is a good God…

Broken Pieces of Me

 

I don’t ever know why I ever make prayers that eventually hurt me… and the weird thing is God always hears those kind of prayers. I mean why doesn’t He listen when I ask Him for a promotion, a raise, a gadget I would have wanted to possess, freedom to travel, financial freedom and stuff like that?

Probably because He knows they won’t be good for me. Well, I do know that God only gives me the things that are good for me even if I do not agree with Him at the moment.

You see, yesterday (or maybe it was earlier), I prayed that God would show me what is wrong with my heart. I asked Him to reveal to me my sinful nature… and He did. And I feel so devastated by the extent of helplessness I feel over my own inner wickedness.

I am wicked at heart. My heart is filled with jealousy and rebelliousness. Every time I feel unloved by the people I care about, I throw a jealous tantrum. I just want to escape and whenever this is not possible, I become angry, resentful and I really am capable of expressing it.

Deep inside, I am a jealous person because I am insecure, very insecure. Deep inside, I do not trust other people to love me or care for me as much as I know I can care for or love them… I don’t really believe I can be loved. Because every time I let myself believed I can be loved, I end up feeling hurt or disappointed. I know God loves me but at times like this, I realized that wallowing in self-pity is easier than confronting how much I distrust the God I said I love.

I fear the Lord. I do not trust Him enough. I am afraid of His plans because even when I know that His plans are always good (yes, even His plans for me), I am not very sure that I would come to like His plans for me.

This is the reason why I was able to hide my hearts desires from myself. This is why, up to this point, I am always ambivalent and unsure of what I want. This is why I am able to complacently go with the flow and just grin and bear it (even grind my teeth while doing so). This is why I have grown so numb, why I have developed a lot of addictions that tear away at my body, my heart, my mind and my soul.

Ask me what I want to do with my life and myself and I will not be able to tell you because I feel afraid. I am afraid that once I learn what I truly want, God would discover my hearts’ desires and deny these things from me.

The funny thing is, I also know He knows them already. Even as I unconsciously refuse to acknowledge the things I desire, He already knows them. And He is not doing anything to keep me away from those things…There is nothing wrong with Him and everything is wrong with me, with my weak, human, fearful and distrustful heart.

I fear the Lord’s love and I do not trust His love. There is nothing wrong with His love and everything is wrong with mine.

It’s funny how I watch all other peoples’ lives flourish even as I secretly pray for good things for them and I wonder if others are even praying for me too.

In the religious community I am a member of, I have a sister whose boyfriend is also one of the brothers (I do pray that their relationship will flourish beautifully and be richly blessed by the Lord).  The other members teasingly mentioned that Sis **** is the prayer warrior of Bro ****. I joined in the teasing but I came to realize there is a truth in this too.

I wonder, who is praying for me too? Do I have no one? I come from a family of broken people. I am not sure what goes on in their private prayer lives. Mine is a mess, to be honest. (But we will talk about that in another blog entry). So, I wonder, does anyone pray for me? Or am I such an easy person to dismiss that no one can even recall me in their prayers (if you can see me now, staring before the screen, typing crazily, while tears are streaming down my face…it’s almost funny, and yes, there’s snot too).

I don’t want to think that way but I have that fear… I don’t feel important or significant in the lives of others. I don’t feel like I matter. I don’t feel valued. I feel like something of a burden. I feel like an intruder. Sometimes, I stay out of people’s way so I won’t be a bother.

Yes, this is what goes on in my heart. You see me smile but deep inside, I am this broken. You see me trying to be strong and keep it all together, but deep inside, this is the mess that I am.

I know only He can heal me from my own brokenness. He is the only One who can make me whole. I wonder, have I ever really known wholeness? The fragmented broken pieces of myself is scattered all over and He is picking up the pieces, dusting them away, washing the grime and the first with His own blood… pierced by the broken pieces of me as He resolutely pieced them together again.

One day, I will be made whole and on that day, my love for Him will be perfect, pure and true as my heart is washed clean of its wickedness and darkness and made clean and pure.

I long for that day.

Create in me, O God, a pure heart;

Give me a new and steadfast spirit.

Do not cast me out of Your presence

nor take your Holy Spirit from me.

                      - Psalm 51:12-13

God’s Precious People

 

These are my sisters from the community of the CFC-Singles for Christ. Pretty women, loving, generous in their gift of selves to the Lord and to each other… these are the women who walk with me in this journey towards getting to know the Lord better everyday.

And this picture I took from a brother’s facebook post shows our Chapter Assembly today. These are some of the brothers. They join us during Chapter Assemblies. Usually, we have separate household prayer meetings for sisters and brothers. However, in the past couple of months, we have been conducting joint household meetings.

I love this community. This is where I grew in the faith. In this community, I have encountered the Lord often and gotten to know Him up close and personal. I used to value the Talks and the Teachings. Now, however, I have come to value the people.

The other day, I asked God to show me His heart and how He loves ALL people. I felt that today. I did not really feel this during the prayer meeting. In fact, I felt it while reflecting about what happened.

Not more than ten SFC’s attended out meeting today. After our Bible Sharing, we talked about our upcoming Christian Life Program (CLP) while eating lunch prepared by a sister. I felt a little worried about the service team since only nine attended the meeting and I tried to convince myself that God will take care of everything. (He always does anyway).

But, while reflecting about the day, I realized how much I missed the presence of our fun-loving Unit Head who has been absent for quite sometime. Although he sometimes makes jokes at inappropriate times, I realized how his levity actually balances the seriousness of the sisters. I also realized how he has quietly served and provided for all our needs. We also had another brother who used to do all these things for us. Bro. Ahmid served SFC quietly, without fanfare, without asking for titles or labels. He has committed himself to the service and to Christ and loved all of us fully. They were true leaders. Not asking for definitions, titles, recognition… but quietly rendering service as best as they could.

Jesus said this Himself… the last will be first and the first will be last. Bro Nilo and Bro Ahmid embodied servant leadership fully.

This reflection also made me remember all the other SFC members and leaders that came and went in the last five years that I was a member of it. I remember our former Area Coordinator, Sis Tess  and her fiery passion and dedication to service. Her presence was already a power in itself.Then, there is Bro Jay-R, committed, quietly serving too and standing firm on his beliefs welcoming everyone with a warm and open heart. Sis Jejan was my DGL and household head. She is our Asst. Unit Head at present and her heart, her very life of commitment, her walking her talk helped me to grow not only as a Christian and daughter of the Lord but also as a woman. She always had a ready ear to listen, a loving heart to understand and honest lips to tell you where you might have fallen short so you can learn from your errors. Sis Remz, the woman half of our Couple Coordinators, always have a steadying presence. She is the voice of wisdom and reason for the group and her presence has guided us in our journey. Sis Ellen, one of our elder sisters, has always been the voice of wisdom. The depth of her biblical knowledge helped us muddle through the Scripture and her candor and frank nature has always allowed us to confront ourselves, our hidden selves and examine our conscience. Bro Jerome, former Unit Head, also played a huge part in making me see how God moves in each people and how we can always trust in the Lord’s guidance and provisions. His commitment and desire to serve is quite admirable.These were the brothers and sisters who were older than me in the community.

Those who joined the SFC at the same time I did and who are still present are Sis Razel and Bro Kit. Bro Nyor has recently left the community after committedly, constantly and determinedly serving as our Music Ministry Head. Work opportunities in Manila lured our baby brother but he has also joined the community there. I already missed his commitment and zeal and passion to serve despite all odds. Sis Razel is now a household head too and last year, she was our Asst. Team Leader in the CLP. Sis Razel’s struggle and growth over the years has also inspired me and her sweet nature and openness made household meetings enjoyable. She has been my confidant in the community and I tell her secrets and stuff I could not tell anyone. Bro Kit has rejoined the community after a hiatus of two(or three) years. A young man full of wisdom and talent, a lot has been demanded of him upon his return. He has served as Team Leader in the last CLP and he is the team leader again in this year’s CLP. He is a true gentleman to the core and very considerate of others too.I know once he commits himself fully to whatever it is he is doing, he can make things really happen.

The members who came in later were members that we were called to serve during the CLP and they occupy really special places in my heart. They are like children and we are accountable to God in guiding them, in loving them, in being expressions of God’s love to them. I am unable to name all of them since I started serving four years ago but their very lives and their very persons are deeply engraved in my heart. I have invested a little bit of myself in those CLP’s. I once thought I was merely serving out of responsibility. Later on, I started thinking I was serving the Lord. Now, I can feel it. I am not only serving out of responsibility, and not only for the Lord but also for the people He loves… His precious people.

Each of the member of this community plays a definite and vital role not only in the SFC but also in the lives of each other. Missing those who were no longer here and what they have done has made me realize how precious each and every member of the community is, not only in God’s sight but also in each others lives. Each of us are truly God’s amazing gifts to the other. And we anticipate more of God’s love manifesting itself through more members of the community.

We, the CFC-Singles for Christ Passi City Chapter, wholeheartedly, and eagerly anticipates another opportunity of sharing ourselves, our lives and our experiences in our journey of Love with His precious people.

Inside Out: The Truth about Me

 

I would not call this a movie review of Pixar’s movie, Inside Out. I watched it last night and ended up crying in inappropriate moments. Yeah, I just had to use my earphones to block out the rest of the world and surreptitiously check to make sure no one is around to question my tears.

I guess I felt these emotions strongly because I came to certain realizations. But let’s talk about the movie first before I tell you why I cried buckets of tears “in the middle of a colored cartoon”…

The movie shows a fascinating portrayal of what went on inside Riley’s head and how the gamut of really simple emotions inside headquarters created a mess that led to that point where I found myself crying a bucket.

It started with Joy, pleasant, slim, pretty and always perky Joy who, in a really selfish manner, refused to allow her fellow “emotion”, Sadness, to touch the memories because she feared that Sadness will make Riley, well, sad… Sadness is my favorite “emotion” right from the start.

While I was walking around the cinema lanes at Robinson’s Place (or was it SM City, I forgot), two months ago, I found myself drawn to the screen showing a trailer of Inside Out. I thought I was a lot like Sadness, physically and well, emotionally… Sadness was just sad… the weak voice of reason when compared to Joy’s bubbly effervescent personality.

But, there were also other emotions. There was Fear, purple-colored Fear who kept Riley safe. There was Anger who made sure that Riley always got what she wanted. And there was Disgust, slimy colored Disgust who prevented Riley from being poisoned, physically and socially.

When Joy and Sadness were sucked out of headquarters (and I blame Joy’s one-track mind for it), everything went haywire. Well, imagine what would happen when the only emotions you can feel are Fear, Anger and Disgust… and all this during one major event in your life?

What Riley knew about life and herself were suddenly destroyed. I know how that felt. Riley suddenly found herself arguing with her Father (Anger’s fault), and stealing money from her mother to pay for a bus ticket to go back to their old place. The three emotions left at headquarters panicked when they could no longer make Riley feel anything.

And it can happen. When everything in your world has been turned up side down and inside out and truth turned to lies and what was once reliable has let you down, you start feeling numb.It happened to me and  I too, lost touch of all emotion. I was unable to feel anything. Nothing could reach me. I guess I survived because I numbed my heart… if not for that, I probably would have done something drastic when all that was left that could deal with the pain was anger.

I was angry for a long, long time and I could not let go of that anger because it would hurt me if I do. Years after my parents break-up, I still continued to hide my emotions. The night everything went haywire, I almost committed suicide. Joy left me. I refused to entertain Sadness because I did not want to appear weak. I probably could not handle her and no one was around to help me handle her. I was alone. All I had were fear, disgust, anger.And the consoles just would not respond properly.

I don’t know where I am now at my journey. I think I am still an emotional mess but because I joined the CFC-SFC, I started feeling Joy and Sadness along with Hope, Faith, and Love.Anger, Disgust and Fear are still there but they are starting to get themselves in their proper perspectives (and yes, we have a weekend retreat about them too in The Christian and His Emotions).

I guess I cried because I know how Riley felt or did not feel while she was riding that bus. And the whole movie just made me realize how I managed to avoid confronting my feelings and how unhealthy it is to do so.

I am really clueless when it comes to emotions. I don’t know how to react. I have a flight or fight response and in most instances, the “flight” response often wins. I have a lot of escape plans and because of them, I have developed unhealthy habits and certain addictions.

I know at my age, I ought to be a little mature about it but honestly, I am still figuring out where all the pieces fit. I am quite hopeful since I have the best Tutor for it.

I can cry all I want with Him. I can be myself with Him. I can be angry, happy, and cranky with Him and He will always know how to handle me in my emotional mess so that eventually, faith, hope and love will win in the end.

All photos in this entry are not mine.