Wants: Mine, Hers and His

 

I wanted so many things from life. I wanted financial independence. I seek a good and comfortable teaching post. I desire further education. I want to travel whenever  I have the opportunity.

I also want my own nice little house… for myself and my family. I want a car too for a comfortable way of travelling. I want comfort and peace and prosperity and a quiet life. Those are the things that  I want.

My mother wants me to get promotions, to be in a position of power and fame… She wants me to explore my potential and she wants me to be everything she wanted to be… until she had me.She wants me to aggressively finish my post graduate studies. She wants me to win awards as an outstanding teacher. She wants me to have it all.

But it seems God wants something else for me. He wants me for something else. He placed me in a work where I uncomfortably started off. He wanted me to learn life’s lessons in a humble way. He wanted me to become a tough follower in celestial terms. He wanted me to do something else, not just sit in my room and write or read books. He gave me a family that’s too big to comfortably feed in a month, a house that uncomfortably squats beside public land, a body that does not sit well with the mind and ambitions planted in me since I was young. He placed in my heart a desire to be with His people when I have been reared an environment of distrust and confusion.

These three things, three ideals, three visions of what I want and what my life should be is tearing at me. But looking at it now, does it not seem clear which vision is best for me?

Thus says Yahweh, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I, Yahweh, your God, teach you what is best for you; I lead you in the way you must go. Had you paid attention to my commandments, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendants would have been like the sand, and those born of your stock like its grains, their names never cut off nor blotted out from my presence. – Isaiah 48:17-19

Triumphs and Tears

 

The results of the ALS A&E Test have come out this week and it was a fascinating study in contrast… another learning curve in my life.

I am feeling a poignant sort of triumph and assurance as well as a little regret for what must be but I am happy and confident that the learners who passed were indeed deserving and worth their salt. These learners are truly ready for college…

In my Passi NHS Learning Group, the following passed the test:

1. Anna Marie Agudon

2. Reanne Ruales

3. Dexter Dave Panes

4. Ralph Paclibar

5. Rhody Lyn Lapera

I am confident that these 5 are indeed ready for anything that will come in their future. They have gone through a lot. Life was not easy but at least, they have what it is needed to pursue a brighter future ahead of them.

To those who did not make it, there is still another year. I pray that together, we can prepare for what lies ahead.

To God be the all the glory!!!

When Worlds Collide

Musical description of my emotional state:

This is not my world and I am not made for here. But when you are totally immersed in it, you can either sink or swim. I need my lifeline... I need Him so much...

Developing Oneself while Developing K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials

This week's Workshop on the Development of K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials here at the GSP Helena Z. Benitez National Program and Training Center here in Tagaytay City is both a professional and personal growth time for me.

The writers @ GSP, Helena Z. Benitez National Program
and Training Center, Tagaytay City.

We were required to study the ALS curriculum vis-a-vis the K to 12 Curriculum of the formal school. Just going over the differences, similarities and gaps between the two is a nerve wracking process. Findings revealed that the ALS Curriculum for Basic Education is not that different from the K to 12 Curriculum once the gaps have been addressed... and that is the reason why we are here - to address the differences.

I have always been a solo-worker.

I don't really resent other people's opinion regarding how I work but the artistic bent in me desires full and free expression. I want to be able to fully explore all options and possibilities available to me.

However, we were grouped into learning strands and we were expected to work together. Since I am not used to it, I did not know how to approach this particular project. But with Ma'am Cora from La Carlota and Ma'am Elaine from Cavite, I was able to learn something essential. I can work with a partner or a group.

I can work even if I am not very interested in the material I am developing. I can actually surrender  and leave everything to God. I can go with the flow and trust that He will not drop me as long as I rely upon Him for everything.

I will probably be talking of all the other experiences, moving and touching experiences I had this week but yes, I feel so blessed because He never left my side at all.

Christ the Lord from a Vampire Writer

 

Anne Rice, yes, who would have thought. I probably lived under a big rock or something but this is the first time that I gave attention to my favorite contemporary novelist… again.

Well, yes, essentially, Anne Rice wrote the books I read in high school, which were quite popular to people my age then, at least, people whose opinion mattered to me. My romance novels were ridiculed even by my favorite teachers – they believe (and in a way I agree with them), that those books were not good for me.

But not Anne Rice. Anne Rice was okay. Well, she is okay to people with brains not like mine because you see, whatever I read, I consume. And I consumed Anne Rice’s world – just like Rowling and Shakespeare, and Bronte. I get away with romance novels because, these books can be read and discarded, just like that. They don’t really stick in my head and cause me nightmares. But not Anne Rice – no, not Anne Rice.

Armand haunted me for years. One of her books on witches haunted me for days that I penned a letter asking it to be taken out of the library’s circulation section. Her Queen of the Damned was with me all through my rides. She was boring with her prose but eloquent with her words and yes, she can capture you with the details. And she dazzled me with hers.

I followed Anne Rice. I even read her as Ann Roquelaure. Yes, it’s Anne’s pen name for her erotica and yes, I have read her three Beauty series. I even lent one of her books about an island of pleasure (I forgot the title) to a student.

And no, I was not that into Anne Rice and no I am not advicing you to read her books, not those prior to the Christ the Lord series.

I remember seeing Out of Egypt at National Bookstore years ago and imagine my surprise upon seeing whose name the byline is. Anne Rice. I mean, no. She could not have. And I ignored the book. I don’t trust Anne Rice at all.

Until I finished her book today and learned of how she returned back to the Catholic Church before her husband’s death. But prior to that, I read her announcment about how she was renouncing Christianity because of her son, her homosexual son.

All the Time in the World

 

When I heard from our household head that our area coordinator in the lower north sector of the CFC-SFC is leaving for abroad, the only words that crossed my mind was “I thought I had more time.”

I thought I had more time. I did not realize how much I would regret taking a rain check for a sleepover with the two of them last December. I never expected that I would regret clamming up whenever she asked me questions because I thought we were in a rather public setting. I never thought I would regret holding back questions I would have popped up just because I was afraid what those questions would reflect about me, and who I am or how people see me. If only I were more forthcoming, more open, more accepting, more courageous…

Sayang. So many wasted opportunities. So many chances of getting to know a woman who is so spirit-filled and so blessed as Sis Tess is. I could have talked to her. I could have shared, really shared with her.

What held me back? Fear?Trepidation? The usual social- distance- rule engraved upon me from my rather dry and sterile background? Being too shy? Insecure?

Cold creature comforts tonight – as I think of the overflowing blessings and graces I received just by listening to her address us in general. I listened to her and I was comforted, affirmed, strengthened, reminded, loved…

She has allowed God to love others through her. And I thought I had all the time in the world to really, really share in her life.

But all the time in the world ended today…..