Reeling from My Reality

    I could never seem to get my feet back on the ground.

My World of Work: Sharing yourself with others often drains
you dry.

A week of work (or no work for that matter) and I am still reeling from the things I have realized, and learned. It's like I need sometime to absorb all the things I have learned, let them seep through my pores and settle into the deepest part of my soul.



That short, spiritual stint was like a taste of some drug. Although I have not tried any, I think I have experienced a certain "high" that I keep longing for... fellowship with Christians who simply love without judging you for either past or future is one of those happy feelings I have come to cherish.

This must be what is meant by 'heaven on earth". It must be nice if all
 of humanity feels this same oneness. It must be nice if that feeling of oneness, of loving one another is felt at home, at work, in every community, in our secular world.

A Scene from the SFC Provincial Conference: When the cup runs
dry, fill it up from the great Source

Maybe I am just trying to reconcile both areas of my life - the spiritual and the secular. And maybe I cannot seem to comprehend why I have to be so on guard outside the SFC community and be so open inside it. Maybe I am just trying to keep the usual numbness from killing the growing bud of love within me.

The fruit of the spirit is love. A loving community is a sign that it is indeed a place of worship for God. Without love, all is an exercise in futility.

Lord, I pray, teach me to love... Teach me to absolutely surrender everything to You... And I pray, when I get back into the world, a world I should not be a part of, lead me to the path that You want me to take.

Through the Mirage

Two day's after the SFC Provincial Conference and I am feeling another bout of restlessness. 

I took the day off (well, not totally since I am also working on the MIS at home), in order to think about certain matters, and ask myself questions that I fear to answer.

I am currently reading a book by Robert Fabing, SJ which deals with Self Knowledge. The Spiritual Life: Recognizing the Holy is one difficult book to understand. You just can't pause somewhere in the chapter and expect things to flow when you take up the book next time.

It demands a thorough read through (huh). Anyway, this reaffirms ( I am getting terribly fond of the word), my experience during the Weekend Retreat at the Carmelite Missionaries in Duenas. 

And I have come to realize the same thing as well. I am living an image. I could not consciously remember everything but I realized that the real me has not emerged. What people see is the me I wanted them to see. Reliable, serious, dependable, non-threatening, soft-spoken, quiet and mousy, Miss Do-It-All. They think I am this nice girl in the corner who simply loves to have life pass her by. They think I am this obedient and self-sacrificing daughter.

But deep inside, a voice was rebelliously and querulously plotting the downfall of such a person. I am not Miss Goody-two-shoes. I am the empty shell of a girl denying her real self.

Inside me, there is emptiness... I do not know how to love. I know responsibility, obligation, and decency. I also know about morality and accountability. I value honesty.

And I wanted to be perfect for a reason. But I am not perfect. I am totally imperfect. I am a fake. Inside me is an angry grl crying out, screaming in frustration and rejection. I have been rejected and in order to protect myself from such a pain, I denied all feelings. I became an automaton.

Currently, through my work as a Mobile Teacher and thru the SFC community, I am being taught how to love. I have come to know social feeling through my learners. But I have yet to learn of love. I know God loves me but I am the one incapable of it.

I would not know love even if it gobbles me up alive because my idealized self killed all feelings inside. I realized I have been dead for a long time now. 

The Spiritual Life, according to this book, is a journey inward... a process of getting to know oneself, getting to know the real self.

I used to think I knew who I really am. Now, I realized I truly do not know who I am... and I want to know who I am as God created me, not as I wanted to appear to others... I want to be real. To be true. I have been faked for a long time. I have been seeking for a long time. 

Lord, I pray, give me the wisdom to know where to look for that self I have hidden from for a long, long time. I also pray for the courage to confront the person You have created me to be... and not hide from it anymore...as mentioned before, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"... and I want to know that fearful and wonderful creature You have created. 

With all of Me

Not less that one year with the CFC-Singles for Christ and I am learning a lot. I have also experienced a lot. Indeed, I remember saying something unkind about SFC before I became a part of it (that was on February or April 2011, I think).

And on the same year, I joined the group.

Now I know how it feels to worship and praise Him with a community of believers. Listening to others speak about our wonderful and amazing God keeps the fire burning...true.

After our Lord's Day, I backed off from the community for a while. Guilt trips, confusion, doubts made me step off a proverbial cross road in my life. I think the worldly me refused to let go of the world and its delights and pleasures. Another part of me felt unworthy and undeserving of such a profound declaration of commitment.

The SFC covenant in itself was a daunting hurdle. I am in a financial mess, I have siblings to look after and I have a mother I need to placate most times. I have a demanding workload that requires me to be on call 24/7.  I also have my ambitions, the raging desire to conquer the world of the academe...

But, one Sunday morning, He reminded me of the best thing that I could ever have - His love, His unconditional, unceasing, amazing, and frighteningly overwhelming love. I felt loved, totally loved and consumed by that love that morning that I could no longer say no to His call.

He created me for something. He gave me so much for something.

But the walk was not easy. The road was unpaved.

I did not know how I was supposed to think, to feel and to behave. I did not know where to go. I did not know what spiritual guidance was like. All I know is that He loves me and I want to love Him back.

I started attending household meetings, chapter meetings, and for the first time, the SFC Provincial Conference last May 26-27, 2012.

I was astounded by His hand throughout it all. I learned that God provides and He guides every step we take.

Two weeks before the provincial conference, I was already suffering from a secret sin (one I have shared with our DGL during the CLP). And I was wondering if I will ever be able to do something about it.

God did something about it that day, during a workshop-one I would not have consciously chosen if I was able to read the subtitle. Thankfully, the registration form did not have the subtitle.

The workshop was an eye opener. The speaker, a tool, an instrument for affirming what I already know but refused to believe in.

We keep singing songs that claim we worship/praise/follow Him "with all of me" but did we ever really surrender, not just our strengths but also our weaknesses to Him? Trying to deal with the problem on my own was not the answer. Trying to deal with it was not the answer.

He said it will not be easy (and it is not) but, just remember, God is a GREAT GOD. We are children of God. And if He is great, can we be anything less?

Now, I know why the covenant requires us to join ALL activities of the SFC.

And yes, I am looking forward to the Regional Conference this year. And if God wills it, I would be joining as well.

When Nothing Makes Sense

I filled my life with work, familial obligation, friendship...and still, it is not enough.

I decided to go one step better and joined an organization of young men and women who are searching and still, it is not enough.

You might think that I am happy, satisfied with life. How do the English put it, 'I am most content." Am I?

No.

Because in my heart, there is a hunger for more. In my heart, there is this compelling urge to give more. My line of work requires me to do so. Give more and get less. But, still, it is not enough.

I am starting to feel this nagging sense of unease that's eating me from the inside out. I want to do more, be more for Him. I want to give it all to Him because to do less renders everything meaningless.

There is a gaping hole in my heart that no worldly thing could ever fill. I want my God. It cries, relentlessly. I want to serve my God.

But, I know I am unworthy of it all. A sinner, not just in action, but more in thoughts and in words and in motivations. And still, my heart craves for more of Him. I long for that time when I can do something and honestly say, Lord, I am lifting this up to You. This is Yours. Be glorified.

Lord, I do long for that day when I can honestly say that my life is truly yours, that everything I do, I do in Your name. Lead me to that day.