I have not posted for quite a while now. I have been going through some experience I did not feel comfortable sharing. I don’t feel ready to share them but I feel compelled to at least, lay them out and see for myself what they mean.
I was quite aghast when I heard one of my mother’s biggest argument against SFC. “Nagaparis-paris kamu” (You’re pairing up with each other). I vehemently denied this one because I was completely unaware of what Nanay meant. Although I often hear a lot about finding GG’s (or God’s Gift, your supposed partner in life) during Talks, I did not pay them any mind at all. I was probably unready for it. I was busy searching my heart, knowing myself and the God who loves me to even think about such stuff. Plus, I am really very much aware how difficult it would be for my future suitor to court me… he will have to battle my mother (she’s determined that I will be her partner for life), my entire family (they are very sure that I will never marry and I am wondering why they think so) and me too (since I am an insecure coward, an obedient daughter and a doting older sister).
That was, until the SFC Intimacy Weekend which I felt I was not ready to attend. Although I was determined to go, I lacked the enthusiasm I usually felt about going on SFC Teachings as I often did before. I felt reluctant because of the distance. We had our Intimacy Weekend at Concepcion. It takes four hours of bus ride before reaching the town. I decided to miss my MAEd class, ditch my sister from a shopping trip she so wanted and ate so much because I was confused whether I wanted to go or not. What was in it for me? In the CFC-Singles for Christ track I read somewhere online two years ago, I remember reading that the Intimacy Weekend was for engaged couples. It’s not for lost, lonely spinsters like me (yeah, my boss just called me an old maid last week and I probably am at that).
In our chapter, I was the only uncoupled participant. I was with Sis Jejan and her then fiancee (now husband) Bro Romer and Sis Remz and her husband Bro Randy. I told myself my partner was Jesus and all the way to Concepcion, while travelling alone at such a distance (aside from my Baguio Bus ride, I have never travelled alone that far), I felt God was with me… I just love travelling alone, I guess especially knowing I was going to a place where I will be meeting people I have something in common with – Jesus.
The talks were heavy, a little embarrassing and quite sensitive. I realized the purpose behind SFC itself. Couples for Christ conceptualized its family ministries to protect the family and they have to start early. They have to start with individuals, single men and women who will eventually become CFCs in the future. Future husbands and wives in Christ, fully grown and mature in their faith and ready to live up to the vocation of marriage.
It was here I realized how beautiful marriage is. Confronted with loving Christian couples (especially the ones I was with), I felt drawn, more accepting, and a whole lot more understanding about people who chose the vocation of marriage. This is love. My twisted concept of marriage being a noose and a bother was shattered. Scoffing over the very human need to have someone with whom you can bare yourself completely, someone who can carry the struggle when you can’t be strong anymore, someone who can be there for you and tell you how wonderful, beautiful and amazing you are, someone who equally needs you, your understanding, love and affection, your comfort and your very presence… that was just amazing in itself.
Back then, I told myself I welcome all vocations. Whether God has willed me for single blessedness and the religious life or married life – I am okay with it. But, I was really partial to single blessedness and desiring the religious life (I felt I need it more than God needed me to be a religious sister or a cloistered nun). The reason why I cannot seem to move forward with my discernment is that I haven’t explored married life at all. My own experience shattered the concept of romance. I did not trust human love at all. I do not know how to trust another person in such a manner that I would completely entrust my heart that way. I know I can trust God, trust His plans and His purpose (but despite that, He will still hurt me or disappoint me because it is necessary for His purpose) but not another person.
The Intimacy Weekend was one teaching I was not ready for. However, it accomplished one thing. It made me open my heart to that other vocation I sincerely refused to consider because I preferred the “alone with God” options. It challenged my concept of my own vocation and it led me to the beautiful conclusion that all vocations are meant to glorify God.
