The Face of My Fear

 

Hey, I think you’re living in a cloud!

Several days after my (hopefully) last final examination for Graduate School (for my first MAEd that is), a voice inside me whispered those words.

It was very quiet then. Even as I try to recuperate from several days of lack of sleep and really gritty eyes, and even as I try to busy myself with work, with accepting an opportunity (a torture at this stage) to serve God vocally in front of my fellow SFCs, with working on two project proposals for our LGU linkages,  with reading shoujo manga’s on the side, a part of me, just a little part, was rebelling and was trying to pull me away from all this… like I am doing too much of stuff for people – without connecting to these people.

I feel hollow inside now. And I am longing for something simple… something where I can get in touch with people, something where I can still watch the sunrise and the sunset and do quiet walks surrounded by the beauty of creation.

Home, work, home, work, graduate school… busy travelling to and fro and not really seeing where you are going and who you are connecting with… where is life in that? Where is love?

Somehow, a part of me longs to be somewhere else, with people whom I can help and who see me not as some one who can do something great, but someone who works with great love in her heart.

I cannot give up thoughts of becoming a religious sister because I fear what I might become if I stay single – a power hungry, status driven old-maid who sticks by the rules. I am afraid of losing what little love has started to warm my life.

I want to get out there and do something like volunteer. I want to get out there and do something that is not for me but for the other person or persons. I want to serve like that’s what I am meant to be or do…I fear becoming so driven like this for work, for position and status, for promotion… I fear that so much… I fear becoming so detached that I will not feel Jesus in my heart anymore.I fear that above all else.

I was always wondering why I was getting chilled before… I was trying to cover up my true fear by not facing them. My fear has an ugly face but it was really so simple. I was just so good at complicating things that I ended up not able to grasp it.

I know what it was like to live without love. Everyday was in monochrome, like everything is gray, or black and white. Like you are an automaton functioning simply because you have to. I am only starting to feel how love can color my world.

But I was only able to have short glimpses of it. I long to be overwhelmed by that love. I long to be immersed in it. I long to bask in it fully that all I am, every moment, is a reflection of that love.

However, I do not know how to….

What I Want to Tell You

 

Dear Heaven,

Photo Credit: somewhere on the internet (sorry)

I just want to tell you and the rest of the world, that I am not okay. I am hurting. I am filled with anger, pain, resentment, guilt and dark passions I can’t handle.

Right now, I do not want to listen to anybody. Right now, I can feel myself retreating deeper, far away from the possibility of anyone finding out the truth and rejecting me. You put up a strong façade. You put up a smile. You continue to attend household meetings and hear the mass when deep inside, you know, you know somewhere, your faith has been fractured. It has wavered in the face of so many stuff you have to deal with in the past few months. Stuff you refused to look into properly. Frightening things you kept hidden because you can’t stand to look into them.

You want them to see that you are strong. You're not that strong! You want to convince them your good. We both know you are not good at all. Sometimes, I am sick and tired of your pontifications that I often wonder where they all come from!

You keep listening to what your mind tells us. But, haven’t you notice that it is only echoing what it has read, heard and seen? Why is your theology not making any impact on me at all? Because I cannot feel it!

Your faith in God and His goodness is intact. But, I wonder, have you convinced me of it? You paint me out as the one at fault all the time. You keep pointing out that I am evil!. Your mind does not care about me at all.

Love comes from me. Not from your mind. It comes from me. You know, God cares more about me than you ever did or ever will. Why won’t you even listen to us? Why do you keep listening to your mind and to other people? You can’t do it on your own, no.

I don’t feel the right things? It’s because you never cared to talk about them with me.  You bond with your brain more than you ever bonded with me. You pay attention to what your mind tells you. But have you ever listened to me? You keep me hidden. You keep me chained, locked and even managed to lose the key!

I embarrass you a lot don’t I? It hurts me that you think that way. It pains me that you have not even given me a shed of respect and affection. You just lock me in, like a dirty little secret.

Don’t you know that I also want to know Him? I also want you to tell me about Him? I also want to love Him with all of me as well. Why won’t you let me respond to His love? Why won’t you allow me to love Him? I may not know how, but if you let me, I would. I know I would.

I hope you will listen to me, this time. I know this is the first time I told you these things. This is the first time you listened to me. I long for Him just as much or maybe more than you know how to. I hope you will continue to allow me to tell you these things. You and your mind needs to know about these.

I need you to surrender me to Him.

                                                                                             Yours,

                                                               Your Heart

Find Me Instead

"Ever since the days of Adam, man has been hiding from God and saying God is hard to find."

-Archbishop Fulton Sheen

Little Mercies, Little Blessings

 

 

Dear Heart,

You were so torn and broken yesterday, weren’t you? You were so worried, and so afraid, you were fretting out. You were coveting something so much that you have forgotten about the essential things in your journey.

Aren’t you thankful that God made you see something yesterday? Aren’t you grateful for seeing how precious teaching is? Yes, that promotion will give you a good salary. It will give you the respect and approval that you crave so much. It will show all those people who rejected you before that you can climb up the ladder of success while you are young. Aren’t you thankful for that friend and colleague who reminded you that there is more to this life than just this?

There is nothing wrong with wanting success but earlier, God told you something so clearly that He made sure to leave it on a pink folder inside the adoration chapel. I am sure you were so weary that you came in there, as if being pulled by unseen strings, simply to cool off the heat of the sun. Who won’t when you bore out the heat of the noonday sun after  you got perplexed and confused with the gamut of emotions running around your little corners during your conference with other ALS implementers.

On that neat little pink folder, the reflection asks you to think back on why you want success. Yes, bare yourself, little heart. He already knows why. Now come up, own up to it, and admit it right now and see what it really is for. Isn’t that a desire to be loved and appreciated for everything you have done? Isn’t that a desire for approval? Teaching won’t give you that because as long as you teach, you will be obliged to make others- your learners for example- to feel more important than yourself. You can’t stand doing that for the next ten or fifteen years of your life? Yes, you can. And you might as well learn not just to live with it but to love it. Because God’s approval in everything you do is more important than the adulations of anyone else. You only need to know and feel this one important thing – God approves of you, that’s why he created you.God loves you so much, that’s why you are still here. God has a plan for you.

You know one thing I have learned, dear Heart, one thing I think you should really learn to believe in. We make plans yes, but ultimately, God’s plan for us is better than we ever imagined our future to be.

You don’t need rewards and awards and the recognition of your superiors. Honest hard work is it’s own reward.

Lovingly reminding you,

Heaven

From Just Dating to Really Committing Pt.2

(Alternative Title: Joining the CFC-Singles for Christ Community)

Image from:facebook.com/DigitalChristian

So, I went into the next Module with a little fear, trepidation and a tempered sort of eagerness. I was hungering for more but a part of me feared rejection and not living up to expectations.

You see, the funny thing about this relationship is that you are being made to see who and what you really are and to see who and what you really are in God’s eyes. And I was afraid of seeing who I really was. I felt comfortable not knowing, thank you very much. But I just can’t give the CLP up. I kept returning every Sunday, not missing anything, loving and crying during the Worship songs, feeling so embarrassed over the tears but not really being able to help myself. Before SFC, I never cried. After SFC, I became such a cry baby over every little thing that breaks my heart. My cold, brittle unbreakable heart was putty in His hands.

Module 2: The Authentic Christian Life

The four sessions of Module 2 talked about The Authentic Christian Life. This is the hardest parts of the CLP for me. I don’t know if others feel the same but even until now, this remains the hardest part. Each of the Talks keep reaching out to me even after CLP and beyond that.

Session 5 is all about The Christian Ideal-Loving God. We are expected to love God with all our mind, our heart and our strength. I realized I barely understood what this meant. I mean, I barely know God, how can you all expect me to love Him? It all sounds so simple and when I asked our DGL, her response was equally simple, “pray for it”. And until then, I realize I was not even praying, no, not with my heart, not with my all. If Talk 5 frightened me, Talk 6 was even more painful.

Talk 6 is Loving Your Neighbor. It was emphasized that these two are the core of Christian Life, loving God and loving your neighbor. The speaker explained what love is not and related what love really is. I was full of questions and I never found the answers that day. How can I possibly love my neighbor? I do not know what love means. All the while, my life has been a series of responsibilities, duties and obligations. I have never felt loved so how  can I even love my neighbors? The answer, again, was to pray for it. I was really getting tired of this response. I mean, I was expecting that my questions will be answered. If the Church can’t give me answers, if the Children of Mary failed to give me the answers, if our Youth Choir and Parish Choir failed to give me the answers and if psychology, philosophy and science’s answers failed to satisfy me, where am I supposed to find these answers? Inside the wall of a convent? In the mountains? I certainly cannot find it at home! I was starting to feel resentful. It was only by God’s grace that I stayed with the CLP. Because the next talk was about to completely annihilate me .

Session 7 was about the Christian Family.When we were young, I used to say that I have the best family in the whole world. My parents were very protective. I was very disciplined as a child. Although my father was not working then, we did not have much trouble financially since he is managing our small business while Nanay worked as a teacher. My mother was very workaholic. But I was glad to have Tatay at home. For 20 years, he was there for us. To tease us, protect us, love us, make sure our meals are ready, our clothes washed, our opinions heard, our allowances doubled when Nanay wanted to instill the value of every penny. I used to force myself to laugh at every lame joke Tatay uttered. Now, I would pay to hear those jokes again. I never really appreciated how wonderful a father I had until things went downhill on my 20th birthday. I don’t really like talking about my family. It only makes me see failure, regret, disappointment, guilt, anger and a whole host of other negative emotions I have bottled up for more than five years. The speaker was talking about the Christian Family, while I was thinking about my “family”. They were talking about broken families as if they were a mere theory. They do not know what it means to be a part of one, to be left picking up the pieces after the storm has passed (or did it?). I keep remembering the days and nights when my siblings and I had filled our lives with movies, one after the other, just to get through the day. I remembered how I would lay down the floor, crying silently, raging inside, as I listen to some rock band at full volume. I remembered thinking only how we should survive today, in whatever way we can. I talked to my brothers and sisters, I tried to be as honest as I could with them, but nothing could heal the rift inside, nothing could still the stirring, boiling mass of anger, pain and that feeling of being let down. After the Talk, I guess, I just felt numb.

A year later, while going through my parents old papers and stuff, I found an invitation. My mothers co-teacher, sometime in 1997 or so, invited Nanay and Tatay to attend the CLP for the local chapter of Couples for Christ. I keep thinking that if they had joined, maybe, we would still be intact today. We would still be together as a family, fulfilling God’s plan, and raising children who are not ignorant of God’s love and mercy.

From Just Dating to Really Committing Pt.1

(Alternative Title: Joining the CFC-Singles for Christ Community)

Image from: https://www.facebook.com/digitalchristian?ref=br_tf

In the year 2011, my life started to change.

From a cynical 27 year old who barely believes much less trust in God, I started getting to know Him. In response to a very long standing invitation to attend the CFC-Singles for Christ’s (SFC) Christian Life Program (CLP) (a friend, mentor and co-teacher from PNHS kept inviting me three years before 2011), I at last accepted the Call on the Easter Sunday of 2011.

It was weird since I did not realize there was a hunger in me until God started feeding that hunger. After the orientation, I was determined to finish the CLP with no absences. I was not after the external motivation (the rewards and the perks) of course but I just felt that I should never miss any of the Talks.

The First Module
The first Module of the CLP deals with Basic Truths About Christianity. After the Orientation, Talk 1 followed on the next Sunday. Our speaker talked about God’s Love (and I have a post on that some where in this blog). Talk 2 was on Who is Jesus Christ. Back then, Jesus Christ was a hazy figure in history. I have read the Gospel According to Matthew but I never really knew Jesus. I had a crush on the boy Jesus (based on a Christmas film) but Jesus was never that “real” to me. My fellow participants in our Discussion Group said Jesus was like a friend to them, a best friend, a brother etc. I could not remember my response (but I was never really into saying the politically correct things anyway so my answer was probably shocking or surprising), all I can recall are feelings of confusion even as I grope for the “right” answer. Talk 3 was the awe-inspiring What it Means to be A Christian. It destroyed my notions of Christianity and confused me even more (and I was still not praying then but I know I had to keep coming back, I just had to). Talk 4 was Repentance and Faith. I was barely listening to the Talk since I was busy thinking of the trip I had to make the next day for a seminar in Cebu. But the one-to-one I had with Sis Roxan after the Talk blew me away.

The Discussion Groups
At first, I was reluctant to open up to my Discussion Group. I was born mistrustful of other people (and hey, these were people I barely know so why should I tell them my deep, dark secrets!).  Then, several Sundays later, in response to the fervent prayers of my DGL and now Household Head, I started opening up (and I was brutally honest about my ignorance of God, my mistrust of who He is etc). The way I opened up was frightening. Me, the perpetual wallflower who wears eyeglasses just to look cutely intelligent or intelligently cute, was admitting her ignorance and her emptiness, her shallowness to everyone in her Discussion Group. But then, I was assured of confidentiality and since they have strongly held beliefs in God, I think it goes to follow that they will honor this particular clause (when I, who admitted how she started doubting God in college, could very well obey that one).

I loved the CLP. I loved all the things I learned and all those Singles I met who were living testimonies of God’s wonderful power and presence in their lives. (There was one thing I did not like though, it’s the games afterwards. They made me really uncomfortable and I often hid myself in the CR during these times).

First One-to-One
My first one-to-one with our Assistant Discussion Group Leader (ADGL) destroyed me a bit. It made me own up to a lot of things, and I was made to promise to give up certain things I was made to realize was wrong. What I used to explain away as simple, unimportant, unnecessary stuff which Talk 4: Repentance and Faith, declared as wrong and sinful in God’s eyes, was taken for what it really was. Telling Sis Roxan of the hidden guilt, anger, deep, deep anger and unforgiveness I was feeling was freeing. Telling her of the secret things I dare not tell the world freed me of them (but not overnight, no). It took us about an hour and a half or two to finish our first one-to-one then. Then, I realize how serious this is. This is not just a Religion class… no… it’s a relationship… one you make between yourself and God. And I started feeling a secret fear that I just won’t be able to measure up to God’s standards for His people (this should have clued me in that I was putting someone else’s stern visage over God’s merciful and loving face).