I am Mary Magdalene

I don’t know if I will ever publish this blog post. If I did, then, you would be reading it.
Mary Magdalene is the notorious prostitute who was almost stoned because she was caught in an adulterous act. She was saved from death because of Jesus. After that, Magdalene did not go her merry way to sin again. Instead, she followed the Christ and became one of His disciples.
Today, July 22, is her feast day.
I can identify with Mary Magdalene. The 1st reading and the psalm today speaks of a longing for the Lord. A longing I have been familiar with for the past months.
My previous blog entries speak of how I am waiting, because I have grown tired of my own self-control. It speaks of my discontent as I try to fill my life with things that do not count – work, ambition, graduate school, a lot of books especially the erotic ones, food, too much sleeping- I actually allowed myself all the pleasure it can afford. But, no matter how I fill the emptiness in me, it cannot be assuaged. I was still longing.
The first reading got that correctly.
“Asleep on my bed, night after night I dreamed of the one I love; I was looking for him, but I couldn’t find him.” –Song of Songs, 3:1
I went through that phase and filled it with things that are not right in His eyes. I knew it but it was so easy to justify it. I was Magdalene. And I was not happy.
I keep wondering if there will ever be a time when I would feel the joy of His presence, the assurance of His love and I know I could not do that as long as I keep holding on to the novels that make it so impossible for me to be with Him.
Then, last Sunday, after so much pressure and so much trouble, I attended the SFC CLP Training. It was the first SFC event I went to after 10 months. I keep missing everything after I struggled over an identity crisis, with some fear and doubt thrown in. I am not sure how things changed. I felt it was brewing then for a while.I’ve gone back to hearing the Mass on Sunday. I was experiencing Catholicism anew.I was trying to convince myself that by just hearing the mass, I would be okay. I do not need to attend SFC activities anymore.But something was lacking.
So, that Sunday, I went back to the community I did not really openly turn away from. And things changed.It’s like I woke up.
All I know is that a Christian community helps you experience the fullness of God’s love. My Christian Community, the CFC-Singles for Christ, despite its imperfections (because its members are the very same human beings that God loves so much), helped me overcome the struggle… not in empty words of encouragement. I haven’t told anyone the struggle I was going through but their kindness, their concern, their availability to be used by God, made them all a conduit of His love for me. And so, in that old chapel in Duenas, I found God again or maybe, like Magdalene in today’s Gospel, Jesus found her, knew her, called her by name. It was only when Jesus called her by name that she realized she was not talking to the gardener but to the risen Lord Himself. (John 20:1-2, 11-18).
And when she did find him, “I held him and wouldn’t let him go until I took him to my mother’s house, to the room where I was born.” – Song of Songs 3:4

I am Mary Magdalene. My sins have shackled me from experiencing life to its fullest (and I know experiencing it to the fullest doesn’t mean just enjoying it but living life and feeling all the range of emotions man is supposed to go through and still feel love, peace and joy because you know that God is with you). I am Mary Magdalene. And He found me again, knew me, and called me by name.

Longing for God

(Psalm 63:1-8)

O God, you are my God and I long for you.

My whole being desires you; like a dry, worn-out, and

waterless land, my soul is thirsty for you.

Let me see you in the sanctuary;

let me see how mighty and glorious you are.

Your constant love is better than life itself,

and so I will praise you.

I will give you thanks as long as I live;

I will raise my hands to you in prayer.

My soul will feast and be satisfied,

and I will sing glad songs of praise to you.

As I lie in bed, I remember you;

all night long I think of you,

because you have always been my help.

In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.

I cling to you, and your hand keeps me safe.

From Just Dating to Really Committing Pt.1

(Alternative Title: Joining the CFC-Singles for Christ Community)

Image from: https://www.facebook.com/digitalchristian?ref=br_tf

In the year 2011, my life started to change.

From a cynical 27 year old who barely believes much less trust in God, I started getting to know Him. In response to a very long standing invitation to attend the CFC-Singles for Christ’s (SFC) Christian Life Program (CLP) (a friend, mentor and co-teacher from PNHS kept inviting me three years before 2011), I at last accepted the Call on the Easter Sunday of 2011.

It was weird since I did not realize there was a hunger in me until God started feeding that hunger. After the orientation, I was determined to finish the CLP with no absences. I was not after the external motivation (the rewards and the perks) of course but I just felt that I should never miss any of the Talks.

The First Module
The first Module of the CLP deals with Basic Truths About Christianity. After the Orientation, Talk 1 followed on the next Sunday. Our speaker talked about God’s Love (and I have a post on that some where in this blog). Talk 2 was on Who is Jesus Christ. Back then, Jesus Christ was a hazy figure in history. I have read the Gospel According to Matthew but I never really knew Jesus. I had a crush on the boy Jesus (based on a Christmas film) but Jesus was never that “real” to me. My fellow participants in our Discussion Group said Jesus was like a friend to them, a best friend, a brother etc. I could not remember my response (but I was never really into saying the politically correct things anyway so my answer was probably shocking or surprising), all I can recall are feelings of confusion even as I grope for the “right” answer. Talk 3 was the awe-inspiring What it Means to be A Christian. It destroyed my notions of Christianity and confused me even more (and I was still not praying then but I know I had to keep coming back, I just had to). Talk 4 was Repentance and Faith. I was barely listening to the Talk since I was busy thinking of the trip I had to make the next day for a seminar in Cebu. But the one-to-one I had with Sis Roxan after the Talk blew me away.

The Discussion Groups
At first, I was reluctant to open up to my Discussion Group. I was born mistrustful of other people (and hey, these were people I barely know so why should I tell them my deep, dark secrets!).  Then, several Sundays later, in response to the fervent prayers of my DGL and now Household Head, I started opening up (and I was brutally honest about my ignorance of God, my mistrust of who He is etc). The way I opened up was frightening. Me, the perpetual wallflower who wears eyeglasses just to look cutely intelligent or intelligently cute, was admitting her ignorance and her emptiness, her shallowness to everyone in her Discussion Group. But then, I was assured of confidentiality and since they have strongly held beliefs in God, I think it goes to follow that they will honor this particular clause (when I, who admitted how she started doubting God in college, could very well obey that one).

I loved the CLP. I loved all the things I learned and all those Singles I met who were living testimonies of God’s wonderful power and presence in their lives. (There was one thing I did not like though, it’s the games afterwards. They made me really uncomfortable and I often hid myself in the CR during these times).

First One-to-One
My first one-to-one with our Assistant Discussion Group Leader (ADGL) destroyed me a bit. It made me own up to a lot of things, and I was made to promise to give up certain things I was made to realize was wrong. What I used to explain away as simple, unimportant, unnecessary stuff which Talk 4: Repentance and Faith, declared as wrong and sinful in God’s eyes, was taken for what it really was. Telling Sis Roxan of the hidden guilt, anger, deep, deep anger and unforgiveness I was feeling was freeing. Telling her of the secret things I dare not tell the world freed me of them (but not overnight, no). It took us about an hour and a half or two to finish our first one-to-one then. Then, I realize how serious this is. This is not just a Religion class… no… it’s a relationship… one you make between yourself and God. And I started feeling a secret fear that I just won’t be able to measure up to God’s standards for His people (this should have clued me in that I was putting someone else’s stern visage over God’s merciful and loving face).

Hollowed Out

 

Blogging is an effort.

I find it difficult to pour not only my thoughts but also my soul on paper.

A famous writer once said that writing  is effortless because you only have to sit before a typewriter and … bleed. Yes. Easy. I can literally see blood gushing out of my pores now.

What you read on this blog has more to it than just the letters strung together to form words to describe an experience, no an encounter that can never be fully explained.

I don’t like revealing this side of me to others. I don’t much like sharing my thoughts and feelings because every time I do, I feel as if a hollowing out is occurring within my soul. I would start to feel empty, as if all I have learned in that arduous experience has disappeared! The same happens when I share/ speak in front of my brothers and sisters in SFC. There is that hollowing out I have grown to dread, thus, making me want to hide when “sharing” time comes.

Everything I have written  or said will be tested the next day. Everything I shared will be experienced again. Everything I have posted will be re-encountered and the learning would begin all over again. It seems in this wonderful walk, you never stop learning.

But I can’t not share. I can’t say no anymore.

Saying no was easy before. Its easy to say no to my household head. ( I can’t say no when it comes to my work!) But now, I can’t say no to Him, not as easily as I used to.

The speaker in one of the workshops I attended during the SFC Regional Conference said  we should not keep our experiences with Christ to ourselves since it is not ours to keep.

I keep a diary. Since high school, I have learned to keep a diary because I had no one to share my secrets with. Keeping a diary kept me sane and really secretive. My diary contained everything I feel and thought of, all my angst, my anger, my irritation. It was only later that I learned I had very negative diary entries. Reading through it revealed how vitriolic I have been and how angry I was. People say I can’t be this solitary and sane. They were right too. My older diaries would attest to how “dark” my heart has become. Outwardly, they see this workaholic girl who is always so accepting, and seems so happy. They see this person who always says yes to what they want. But they do not see the bitter girl inside the diary, so full of resentment and anger…

I have burned a lot of diaries simply because I can’t stomach my own thoughts! When my mother found several of my diaries and read through my entries, she was crushed with what she found there. That was when I realized how hurtful my writing has become. I was writing, and thinking and feeling unforgivable thoughts towards people around me (and they thought I was this sweet, innocent girl who can’t say a bad thing at all).

Realizing that was crushing. Even my blog posts were reflecting my negativity. My posts were “God-less” entries in an already self focused blogosphere. Heavenessence was just one of those dangerous pot holes in an already pain-ridden world.

For the past few  weeks, I have learned this. The hollowing out is good because you are only being emptied to receive new fillings – fresher, healthier for the soul and better with your romance with God.

Lord, hollow me out and fill me with new wine. Refresh me and let me not fear the “emptying” process. Give me the courage to seek the “emptying” time so that I will be ready for the times of “refilling”.

CLP Talk 4: Repentance and Faith

"It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Until it was a battle cry."

- From The Call


Before attending the CLP, being a Christian was a vague notion. I thought believing in Christ was enough. I thought sharing your "faith" with fellow believers was enough. I never expected that there was more to it.

After yesterdays CLP Talk 4: Repentance and Faith, I felt, I don't know, closer to that point where I should feel enlightened. Our speaker for yesterday's talk was Bro. Rhaden Porras from Duenas.

SFC's usually starts the sessions with prayers that incorporate Christian song's. Yesterdays opening song bothered me a bit and the prayer sort of "hurt" me. I guess prayers from the heart are painful to hear and are too heart wrenching to listen to.

One line from the song entitled I Give My All, which I have not yet downloaded, touched me at that moment. It said "Till the end of my days" and I remember praying, telling and vowing to God that yes, I am Yours, till the end of my days. I really did not know what I was promising and I really had not counted on the outcome of that day.

Yes, that day, something essential in my life has changed.

According to our speaker, Repentance and faith always go together. To just reform your life is inadequate. We need to believe. To simply believe without doing is also inadequate for faith without works is dead.

Repentance came from the Greek word metanoia meaning "a change of mind". It is not just a confession of wrongdoing but a change in direction, a significant change in the way we live our life. It affects the way we think and act. It is also the turning away from sin, evil and wrong doing and from running our own lives. It also means turning away from double mindedness (probably refers to the double standards we based our morals and lives on), from lukewarmness(Being callous and uncaring when it comes to what is happening around one).

Repentance is NOT
○ Dependent on feelings (it is an objective decision to accept God's righteousness)
○ Being sorry because of the fear for the consequences of our actions (it is hating sin itself)

What To do To Repent?

○ Be honest and admit that we have sinned.
○ Exercise humility.
Be willing to change and receive help to change. Do not expect to do it by yourself. Pray to God for change to happen.
○ Renounce sin.
Actively turn from sin or turn away from temptations.A temptation will remain a temptation if not acted upon.
○ Ask God's forgiveness.
○ Avail the sacrament of reconciliation (for Catholics).
Our speaker encourage us to go to a priest and confess our sins to avail of the said sacrament. When I asked our Discussion Group Leaders regarding the concept of other denominations/sects which denounces confession because priests are mere mortals themselves, I was given a reasonable response. Sis. Roxan said that for direct confession to work, it must be perfect. I guess it is the equivalent of trying to talk to the Division Superintendent before settling it with your School Principal.

We also tackled several specific sins to renounce:

1. Involvement by a Christian with someone from a non-Christian religion. I think I am not supposed to mention those "religions" he mentioned. If you want to know, join the CLP, hopefully, next year.
2. Participating in spiritualism and the occult . Doing witchcraft, getting involved in fortune-telling, and all that brouhaha…
3. Sexual Wrongdoings. He mentioned sexual intercourse outside marriage, adultery, inactive homosexuality, even reading playboy magazines.
4. Serious Crimes like murder, rape, kidnapping, robbery, and corruption
5. Drunkenness or getting stoned on drugs.

All these sins are just around the corner of our life's main highways and byways. That's why, our speaker said, we need to come under the management of Jesus Christ. And this, requires faith.

Faith, according to our speaker, is belief in the gospel, the good news of salvation. It is belief in both the messenger and the message. It is a personal act and decision with the following aspects:

1. It is a definite act. You must open yourself to God.
2. It is an individual act. You are the one who decides for yourself, no one else.
3. It is an urgent act. Since the future is uncertain and time is passing, the time to have faith, to believe, is NOW.
4. It is an indispensable act. This is a step which is necessary to receive all that God has promised.

Faith, however, is not just a feeling but an acceptance of God's word as truth no matter what we feel. It is not wishful thinking and not based on illusions or personal desires.

Repentance and faith brings one the promise of salvation from sin. It brings about the death of Satan.

We were advised that whatever we do must be dedicated to God.

After the usual activities after sessions, it was announced that we have, at last, finished with Module One. Now, they said, we were ready for Module Two. However, before that, we were required to have one-on-one sessions with our DGL's.

Right after our sessions, I talked with one of our DGL's so that I can have that session right away. I had to leave for Cebu for a week and when I return, there is not time left for that one-on-one.

As they say, when it rains, it pours. That was a cleansing experience for me. Sis. Roxan helped me deal with age-old issues that I was not able to deal with. She helped me come to terms with some serious matters I have been contending with through the years.

I realized that for 20 years, I have been limping my way to God. Sometimes, I was given crutches. At times, I have had the use of wheelchairs. But all these methods never really gave me the freedom to fully use the limbs I was given to navigate life's highway.

That one-on-one session miraculously and a little callously took away the limp. I am on a healing process now but I am walking, with no crutches and no wheel chairs.

I am really looking forward to the next session…and the changes it will bring in my life.