I am Mary Magdalene

I don’t know if I will ever publish this blog post. If I did, then, you would be reading it.
Mary Magdalene is the notorious prostitute who was almost stoned because she was caught in an adulterous act. She was saved from death because of Jesus. After that, Magdalene did not go her merry way to sin again. Instead, she followed the Christ and became one of His disciples.
Today, July 22, is her feast day.
I can identify with Mary Magdalene. The 1st reading and the psalm today speaks of a longing for the Lord. A longing I have been familiar with for the past months.
My previous blog entries speak of how I am waiting, because I have grown tired of my own self-control. It speaks of my discontent as I try to fill my life with things that do not count – work, ambition, graduate school, a lot of books especially the erotic ones, food, too much sleeping- I actually allowed myself all the pleasure it can afford. But, no matter how I fill the emptiness in me, it cannot be assuaged. I was still longing.
The first reading got that correctly.
“Asleep on my bed, night after night I dreamed of the one I love; I was looking for him, but I couldn’t find him.” –Song of Songs, 3:1
I went through that phase and filled it with things that are not right in His eyes. I knew it but it was so easy to justify it. I was Magdalene. And I was not happy.
I keep wondering if there will ever be a time when I would feel the joy of His presence, the assurance of His love and I know I could not do that as long as I keep holding on to the novels that make it so impossible for me to be with Him.
Then, last Sunday, after so much pressure and so much trouble, I attended the SFC CLP Training. It was the first SFC event I went to after 10 months. I keep missing everything after I struggled over an identity crisis, with some fear and doubt thrown in. I am not sure how things changed. I felt it was brewing then for a while.I’ve gone back to hearing the Mass on Sunday. I was experiencing Catholicism anew.I was trying to convince myself that by just hearing the mass, I would be okay. I do not need to attend SFC activities anymore.But something was lacking.
So, that Sunday, I went back to the community I did not really openly turn away from. And things changed.It’s like I woke up.
All I know is that a Christian community helps you experience the fullness of God’s love. My Christian Community, the CFC-Singles for Christ, despite its imperfections (because its members are the very same human beings that God loves so much), helped me overcome the struggle… not in empty words of encouragement. I haven’t told anyone the struggle I was going through but their kindness, their concern, their availability to be used by God, made them all a conduit of His love for me. And so, in that old chapel in Duenas, I found God again or maybe, like Magdalene in today’s Gospel, Jesus found her, knew her, called her by name. It was only when Jesus called her by name that she realized she was not talking to the gardener but to the risen Lord Himself. (John 20:1-2, 11-18).
And when she did find him, “I held him and wouldn’t let him go until I took him to my mother’s house, to the room where I was born.” – Song of Songs 3:4

I am Mary Magdalene. My sins have shackled me from experiencing life to its fullest (and I know experiencing it to the fullest doesn’t mean just enjoying it but living life and feeling all the range of emotions man is supposed to go through and still feel love, peace and joy because you know that God is with you). I am Mary Magdalene. And He found me again, knew me, and called me by name.

Longing for God

(Psalm 63:1-8)

O God, you are my God and I long for you.

My whole being desires you; like a dry, worn-out, and

waterless land, my soul is thirsty for you.

Let me see you in the sanctuary;

let me see how mighty and glorious you are.

Your constant love is better than life itself,

and so I will praise you.

I will give you thanks as long as I live;

I will raise my hands to you in prayer.

My soul will feast and be satisfied,

and I will sing glad songs of praise to you.

As I lie in bed, I remember you;

all night long I think of you,

because you have always been my help.

In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.

I cling to you, and your hand keeps me safe.