Don’t ever settle for anything less than love.
This is a love advice I often hear from idealists and spinsters. Some younger folks would laugh at the wisdom. But, I was never able to relate strongly with this quote before and I know I am not the type of girl who would simply settle down for reasons less than love too… at least, I knew that about myself.
But, when it comes to my career, I went the other way around.
I settled for something less than love. And now, I regret that decision.
Let’s go back to six years ago, on those weeks while I made a really crucial decision. Shifting career paths.I remember praying to God and not really hearing anything from Him. I reluctantly decided to grab a teaching post that I would never have taken if the circumstances were different.
I was 24. We were really on the brink of financial disaster. My family and home life was beyond settled and all my siblings were still in school. It is the burden of the oldest sibling to carry the parental load. I carried the load that my father left when my parents separated and sometimes, I had to carry the maternal role as well whenever my mother was absent. I can barely imagine what Nanay was going through that time. But we were really hard-up. Resources were hard to come by. And I knew I had to make a decision… so I took the one that I knew would benefit my family more – take a job I really don’t love in order to help my family.
I created a fairy tale that day. I spun a romance that was not existing. I convinced myself I love ALS even if I know my heart was still longing for my first teaching choice. I made myself believe this is still teaching. And I told myself never to regret my decision.
It was not a wrong decision. I benefited a lot from my choice. I got a permanent/regular job I can tolerate. We had money now. I was able to purchase what I needed and wanted. I was able to rub shoulders with the people on-top because my job required. I was really doing mission work too since we deal with Out-of-school folks. I was able to travel all over Passi City and its far flung barangays (as I wanted when I was younger). I was even able to go to other parts of the country (for the seminars and trainings).
On my first year, I struggled. Travelling to Salngan was difficult since transportation was impossible. I find it hard to wait for learner or to arrive to the barangay and found no one waiting for me since they were busy. I would cry home knowing what a wasted day that was. The guilt and pain was difficult to bear because this job never really fit my personality. ALS requires an extrovert and I am deeply an introvert at heart. I knew I was not good enough as an ALS Mobile Teacher. That was when regret and doubt started to eat me… just three months after I got employed as a Mobile Teacher.
But those regrets were shoved away when I started becoming ambitious. I can’t help it. The trainings were really good. And getting on a first name basis with the Superintendent of the Division as well as the City Officials can really make your adrenaline rush. I got sent to a lot of seminars and trainings, and meetings with City Officials. I got to have a lot of private audiences with the first lady and I got to do a lot of exciting and new stuff and writing jobs (writing is my other love).
I got lost in the paper works too. So, I forgot the dissatisfaction I felt over my unsuitability as a Mobile Teacher. The fame and the position got through my head and I planned on using ALS to my ultimate advantage. But deep inside, there is this deep hollow that I feel everytime the work day ends. I am not happy. And I buried myself into more paper works because of that. I took and accepted responsibilities so I won’t feel the guilt and the lack of motivation I felt in doing a job I am no longer happy in.
Now, six years later and five years as a Mobile Teacher, I am accepting the ugly position I placed myself in. What made me realize this? All my hopes and ambitions and expectations reached their highest peak when I applied for Education Program Specialist II. I made myself believe this was God’s plan. He will make me an EPSA then later on an SDS… I don’t know where I got all my illusions. So, when I failed to be EPSA. I was devastated.
When you have given your all for something because you expected something back and when you don’t get what you expected to have, you become like this.
That is my state for the 5 months after the results came out. I cried myself to sleep. I was listless and depressed and I ate a lot, read a lot, slept a lot and maintained only a semblance of a normal life. I did not know where I was going.
Then, I started planning sometime in August. I will go back to the formal school and this will be my last year in ALS. When I asked for possible applications and heard none, I got depressed again. I felt stuck in this terrible rut. So, I just promised to take life one day at a time.
And then this. Senior High School will be opening next year. I don’t really know what my chances are but I applied to teach Senior High School. The plan is to go back to my old love – teaching English to formal school learners.
Those five years were not wasted. I learned an all important lesson in life.
Don’t ever settle for anything less than love in all aspects of your life. You see, the Bible speaks true…only “love never fails.”
