For Reasons Less than Love

 

Don’t ever settle for anything less than love.

This is a love advice I often hear from idealists and spinsters. Some younger folks would laugh at the wisdom. But, I was never able to relate strongly with this quote before and I know I am not the type of girl who would simply settle down for reasons less than love too… at least, I knew that about myself.

But, when it comes to my career, I went the other way around.

I settled for something less than love. And now, I regret that decision.

Let’s go back to six years ago, on those weeks while I made a really crucial decision. Shifting career paths.I remember praying to God and not really hearing anything from Him. I reluctantly decided to grab a teaching post that I would never have taken if the circumstances were different.

I was 24. We were really on the brink of financial disaster. My family and home life was beyond settled and all my siblings were still in school. It is the burden of the oldest sibling to carry the parental load. I carried the load that my father left when my parents separated and sometimes, I had to carry the maternal role as well whenever my mother was absent. I can barely imagine what Nanay was going through that time. But we were really hard-up. Resources were hard to come by. And I knew I had to make a decision… so I took the one that I knew would benefit my family more – take a job I really don’t love in order to help my family.

I created a fairy tale that day. I spun a romance that was not existing. I convinced myself I love ALS even if I know my heart was still longing for my first teaching choice. I made myself believe this is still teaching. And I told myself never to regret my decision.

It was not a wrong decision. I benefited a lot from my choice. I got a permanent/regular job I can tolerate.  We had money now. I was able to purchase what I needed and wanted. I was able to rub shoulders with the people on-top because my job required. I was really doing mission work too since we deal with Out-of-school folks. I was able to travel all over Passi City  and its far flung barangays (as I wanted when I was younger). I was even able to go to other parts of the country (for the seminars and trainings).

On my first year, I struggled. Travelling to Salngan was difficult since transportation was impossible. I find it hard to wait for learner or  to arrive to the barangay and found no one waiting for me since they were busy. I would cry home knowing what a wasted day that was. The guilt and pain was difficult to bear because this job never really fit my personality. ALS requires an extrovert and I am deeply an introvert at heart. I knew I was not good enough as an ALS Mobile Teacher. That was when regret and doubt started to eat me… just three months after I got employed as a Mobile Teacher.

But those regrets were shoved away when I started becoming ambitious. I can’t help it. The trainings were really good. And getting on a first name basis with the Superintendent of the Division as well as the City Officials can really make your adrenaline rush. I got sent to a lot of seminars and trainings, and meetings with City Officials. I got to have a lot of private audiences with the first lady and I got to do a lot of exciting and new stuff and writing jobs (writing is my other love).

I got lost in the paper works too. So, I forgot the dissatisfaction I felt over my unsuitability as a Mobile Teacher. The fame and the position got through my head and I planned on using ALS to my ultimate advantage. But deep inside, there is this deep hollow that I feel everytime the work day ends. I am not happy. And I buried myself into more paper works because of that. I took and accepted responsibilities so I won’t feel the guilt and the lack of motivation I felt in doing a job I am no longer happy in.

Now, six years later and five years as a Mobile Teacher, I am accepting the ugly position I placed myself in. What made me realize this? All my hopes and ambitions and expectations reached their highest peak when I applied for Education Program Specialist II. I made myself believe this was God’s plan. He will make me an EPSA then later on an SDS… I don’t know where I got all my illusions. So, when I failed to be EPSA. I was devastated.

When you have given your all for something because you expected something back and when you don’t get what you expected to have, you become like this.

That is my state for the 5 months after the results came out. I cried myself to sleep. I was listless and depressed and I ate a lot, read a lot, slept a lot and maintained only a semblance of a normal life. I did not know where I was going.

Then, I started planning sometime in August. I will go back to the formal school and this will be my last year in ALS. When I asked for possible applications and heard none, I got depressed again. I felt stuck in this terrible rut. So, I just promised to take life one day at a time.

And then this. Senior High School will be opening next year. I don’t really know what my chances are but I applied to teach Senior High School. The plan is to go back to my old love – teaching English to formal school learners.

Those five years were not wasted. I learned an all important lesson in life.

Don’t ever settle for anything less than love in all aspects  of your life. You see, the Bible speaks true…only “love never fails.”

Like the Sunrise: Reflections on the SFC RECON 2015 (Part 1)

 

The Sunrise @ Baybay, Roxas City

I can’t move on with my life without purging the experience from my system. Maybe, by doing this, everything will settle down to routine.

You see, I attended the CFC-Singles for Christ Regional Conference (RECON) 2015 at Capiz National High School last August 28-30, 2015. The theme, God’s Masterpiece, came from the anchor verse 1 Corinthians 13:7.

“Love bears all things, believes in all things, hopes in all things and endures all things.”

Where else will this apply more but to our family? And where else are we being called to love more other than within our own families.

In the conference, I met God again in a place where His love is openly celebrated and where He is worshipped with no holding back. I encountered Him in a place where indeed, I felt at home (as I have always felt in SFC conferences, teachings and prayer meetings). The experience was powerful, beyond what mere words can describe. You have to experience it to really understand what I mean.

But, that powerfully beautifully and amazing experience was littered with painful realizations and recollections. Realizations that would help me in my journey and in choosing my vocation and recollections of the past hurts, anger, resentments I have been feeling that I buried deep within my heart so I will be able to survive and go on living. They all came out in the open, like newly opened can of worms.

Let’s focus on the sessions and what they have given me:

Session 1: God’s Masterpiece

Our speaker for this Talk was Bro. Martin Pil. He first introduced to us his family. Listening to a father speaking all those words about the family he has is weird. It made me wonder how my father speaks about us. I am sure he does it with pride but he also speaks about us with remembered pain, hurt, regret…as I often feel when I think about him…

The session emphasized that the family is God’s masterpiece because it is here that we:

a. First experience the love of God

b. Learn how to love

c. Form who we are and solidify our identities

d. relate with others

e. discover our purpose.

Because of the brokenness and woundedness of man, God’s design for the family is not being fulfilled. Instead, society has come to accept unconventional family set ups due to socio-economic and socio-cultural factors.

However, our model family should be the Holy Family. That we ought to follow them because of their:

a. Consistent obedience to His will

b. Steadfast faith

c. Daily devotion to prayer.

It is unfortunate that my family is not like that anymore. Only Nanay and my siblings are living together. Tatay is far away. Few people appreciate families like I do. But because my own family is incomplete, I have seen how wonderful it really is to have a complete and intact family with loving couples ensuring that God’s plan is protected and passed on to the next generation.

Every time I see couples and their children, I often feel envious but then, I would remember and say a prayer for the couple and their kids because the family is really under attack. Who would have thought that our family would break up, even after 20 years of marriage? But it happened because our foundation was weak… because we were too busy surviving that we forgot the Person to whom we owe our survival from….

Like the Sunrise on that first day, I remember how my family’s warmth caressed the beginning moments of my life and how, even as that warmth faded away, it was replaced by the burning love of being in God’s own family.

A Page from my Journal

 

I went to a Carmelite Missionaries search in last August 9, 2015. It was a bittersweet moment. But, here is what I wrote about it in my journal on that date.

Yep, I have been unsure when I started. After the search-in, I suffered from a headache and a feeling of tiredness while I was travelling home. I was depressed, desolate and unhappy… and I was not sure why. I was also afraid and sad.

The SFC Regional Conference 2015 helped clear the cobwebs a bit (more on the mega impact of the RECON later will be posted later though).

Here is an entry I wrote in my journal today…

“It was in the RECON 2015 that I have decided to be honest with myself. I also want to get married someday. I also want to have a family of my own. A husband who will love and cherished me in the way God intended a man to cherish and love a woman.

I long for that physical, actual emotional manifestation of the Lord's love in another person. The only bad thing about this is that I have a specific person in mind. And I know it should not be this way. I know I should wait for the special someone God has given to me…

I was going to be honest. I still liked the Carmelite Missionaries. I like the idea that there are sisters who have given their lives fully to the Lord. In fact, I would have loved it if I felt called in that way too.

However, if I insist on this vocation despite the discomforts I have been feeling, I would be very dishonest. I did not feel comfortable during the Carmelite Missionaries Search In. I felt pressured and upset and dissatisfied and bothered which is completely unlike that strengthened, nourished and enriched feeling I get from SFC Teachings, Conferences and Household Prayer meetings.

As I was travelling home that day, I felt drained. I suffered from a terrible head ache. I was upset and I could not settle down. I felt tired… the whole week after that, I struggled terribly from my usual addictions… I felt haunted and hunted.

Everything eased a little after our SFC Evangelization and CLP Training the Sunday after the Carmelite Search In. The community reminded me to stop stressing, to be faithful and to believe in the promises of the Lord.

Still, I felt frightened by the lack of security in the future I am envisioning for myself. Realizing you really don't feel called is rather embarrassing and disappointing. I was not really happy during the search in, I felt so self-conscious (this is the reason why I intended to finish the search-in in the first place. I needed to make sure that this is how I felt).

I am afraid because I have always used the religious vocation as an alternative to the kind of life I truly feared but wanted. I fear commitment and making myself vulnerable to another person because I have trust issues. I don’t know if I am capable of loving another person that much and I fear that when I realize I could, I won’t be able to believe or accept that another person can like or even love me as I am. Not in the romantic sense, no.”

 

So yes, that’s how my vocation discernment is going right now. I really wanted to be sure. But I am in a state of chaos…

However, a dear friend told me to that if I trust the Lord, if I have faith in Him as I claim I have, I will not fret or fear the future like this. Instead, I will hope in His promises and His plans because He is a good God…

Broken Pieces of Me

 

I don’t ever know why I ever make prayers that eventually hurt me… and the weird thing is God always hears those kind of prayers. I mean why doesn’t He listen when I ask Him for a promotion, a raise, a gadget I would have wanted to possess, freedom to travel, financial freedom and stuff like that?

Probably because He knows they won’t be good for me. Well, I do know that God only gives me the things that are good for me even if I do not agree with Him at the moment.

You see, yesterday (or maybe it was earlier), I prayed that God would show me what is wrong with my heart. I asked Him to reveal to me my sinful nature… and He did. And I feel so devastated by the extent of helplessness I feel over my own inner wickedness.

I am wicked at heart. My heart is filled with jealousy and rebelliousness. Every time I feel unloved by the people I care about, I throw a jealous tantrum. I just want to escape and whenever this is not possible, I become angry, resentful and I really am capable of expressing it.

Deep inside, I am a jealous person because I am insecure, very insecure. Deep inside, I do not trust other people to love me or care for me as much as I know I can care for or love them… I don’t really believe I can be loved. Because every time I let myself believed I can be loved, I end up feeling hurt or disappointed. I know God loves me but at times like this, I realized that wallowing in self-pity is easier than confronting how much I distrust the God I said I love.

I fear the Lord. I do not trust Him enough. I am afraid of His plans because even when I know that His plans are always good (yes, even His plans for me), I am not very sure that I would come to like His plans for me.

This is the reason why I was able to hide my hearts desires from myself. This is why, up to this point, I am always ambivalent and unsure of what I want. This is why I am able to complacently go with the flow and just grin and bear it (even grind my teeth while doing so). This is why I have grown so numb, why I have developed a lot of addictions that tear away at my body, my heart, my mind and my soul.

Ask me what I want to do with my life and myself and I will not be able to tell you because I feel afraid. I am afraid that once I learn what I truly want, God would discover my hearts’ desires and deny these things from me.

The funny thing is, I also know He knows them already. Even as I unconsciously refuse to acknowledge the things I desire, He already knows them. And He is not doing anything to keep me away from those things…There is nothing wrong with Him and everything is wrong with me, with my weak, human, fearful and distrustful heart.

I fear the Lord’s love and I do not trust His love. There is nothing wrong with His love and everything is wrong with mine.

It’s funny how I watch all other peoples’ lives flourish even as I secretly pray for good things for them and I wonder if others are even praying for me too.

In the religious community I am a member of, I have a sister whose boyfriend is also one of the brothers (I do pray that their relationship will flourish beautifully and be richly blessed by the Lord).  The other members teasingly mentioned that Sis **** is the prayer warrior of Bro ****. I joined in the teasing but I came to realize there is a truth in this too.

I wonder, who is praying for me too? Do I have no one? I come from a family of broken people. I am not sure what goes on in their private prayer lives. Mine is a mess, to be honest. (But we will talk about that in another blog entry). So, I wonder, does anyone pray for me? Or am I such an easy person to dismiss that no one can even recall me in their prayers (if you can see me now, staring before the screen, typing crazily, while tears are streaming down my face…it’s almost funny, and yes, there’s snot too).

I don’t want to think that way but I have that fear… I don’t feel important or significant in the lives of others. I don’t feel like I matter. I don’t feel valued. I feel like something of a burden. I feel like an intruder. Sometimes, I stay out of people’s way so I won’t be a bother.

Yes, this is what goes on in my heart. You see me smile but deep inside, I am this broken. You see me trying to be strong and keep it all together, but deep inside, this is the mess that I am.

I know only He can heal me from my own brokenness. He is the only One who can make me whole. I wonder, have I ever really known wholeness? The fragmented broken pieces of myself is scattered all over and He is picking up the pieces, dusting them away, washing the grime and the first with His own blood… pierced by the broken pieces of me as He resolutely pieced them together again.

One day, I will be made whole and on that day, my love for Him will be perfect, pure and true as my heart is washed clean of its wickedness and darkness and made clean and pure.

I long for that day.

Create in me, O God, a pure heart;

Give me a new and steadfast spirit.

Do not cast me out of Your presence

nor take your Holy Spirit from me.

                      - Psalm 51:12-13

God’s Precious People

 

These are my sisters from the community of the CFC-Singles for Christ. Pretty women, loving, generous in their gift of selves to the Lord and to each other… these are the women who walk with me in this journey towards getting to know the Lord better everyday.

And this picture I took from a brother’s facebook post shows our Chapter Assembly today. These are some of the brothers. They join us during Chapter Assemblies. Usually, we have separate household prayer meetings for sisters and brothers. However, in the past couple of months, we have been conducting joint household meetings.

I love this community. This is where I grew in the faith. In this community, I have encountered the Lord often and gotten to know Him up close and personal. I used to value the Talks and the Teachings. Now, however, I have come to value the people.

The other day, I asked God to show me His heart and how He loves ALL people. I felt that today. I did not really feel this during the prayer meeting. In fact, I felt it while reflecting about what happened.

Not more than ten SFC’s attended out meeting today. After our Bible Sharing, we talked about our upcoming Christian Life Program (CLP) while eating lunch prepared by a sister. I felt a little worried about the service team since only nine attended the meeting and I tried to convince myself that God will take care of everything. (He always does anyway).

But, while reflecting about the day, I realized how much I missed the presence of our fun-loving Unit Head who has been absent for quite sometime. Although he sometimes makes jokes at inappropriate times, I realized how his levity actually balances the seriousness of the sisters. I also realized how he has quietly served and provided for all our needs. We also had another brother who used to do all these things for us. Bro. Ahmid served SFC quietly, without fanfare, without asking for titles or labels. He has committed himself to the service and to Christ and loved all of us fully. They were true leaders. Not asking for definitions, titles, recognition… but quietly rendering service as best as they could.

Jesus said this Himself… the last will be first and the first will be last. Bro Nilo and Bro Ahmid embodied servant leadership fully.

This reflection also made me remember all the other SFC members and leaders that came and went in the last five years that I was a member of it. I remember our former Area Coordinator, Sis Tess  and her fiery passion and dedication to service. Her presence was already a power in itself.Then, there is Bro Jay-R, committed, quietly serving too and standing firm on his beliefs welcoming everyone with a warm and open heart. Sis Jejan was my DGL and household head. She is our Asst. Unit Head at present and her heart, her very life of commitment, her walking her talk helped me to grow not only as a Christian and daughter of the Lord but also as a woman. She always had a ready ear to listen, a loving heart to understand and honest lips to tell you where you might have fallen short so you can learn from your errors. Sis Remz, the woman half of our Couple Coordinators, always have a steadying presence. She is the voice of wisdom and reason for the group and her presence has guided us in our journey. Sis Ellen, one of our elder sisters, has always been the voice of wisdom. The depth of her biblical knowledge helped us muddle through the Scripture and her candor and frank nature has always allowed us to confront ourselves, our hidden selves and examine our conscience. Bro Jerome, former Unit Head, also played a huge part in making me see how God moves in each people and how we can always trust in the Lord’s guidance and provisions. His commitment and desire to serve is quite admirable.These were the brothers and sisters who were older than me in the community.

Those who joined the SFC at the same time I did and who are still present are Sis Razel and Bro Kit. Bro Nyor has recently left the community after committedly, constantly and determinedly serving as our Music Ministry Head. Work opportunities in Manila lured our baby brother but he has also joined the community there. I already missed his commitment and zeal and passion to serve despite all odds. Sis Razel is now a household head too and last year, she was our Asst. Team Leader in the CLP. Sis Razel’s struggle and growth over the years has also inspired me and her sweet nature and openness made household meetings enjoyable. She has been my confidant in the community and I tell her secrets and stuff I could not tell anyone. Bro Kit has rejoined the community after a hiatus of two(or three) years. A young man full of wisdom and talent, a lot has been demanded of him upon his return. He has served as Team Leader in the last CLP and he is the team leader again in this year’s CLP. He is a true gentleman to the core and very considerate of others too.I know once he commits himself fully to whatever it is he is doing, he can make things really happen.

The members who came in later were members that we were called to serve during the CLP and they occupy really special places in my heart. They are like children and we are accountable to God in guiding them, in loving them, in being expressions of God’s love to them. I am unable to name all of them since I started serving four years ago but their very lives and their very persons are deeply engraved in my heart. I have invested a little bit of myself in those CLP’s. I once thought I was merely serving out of responsibility. Later on, I started thinking I was serving the Lord. Now, I can feel it. I am not only serving out of responsibility, and not only for the Lord but also for the people He loves… His precious people.

Each of the member of this community plays a definite and vital role not only in the SFC but also in the lives of each other. Missing those who were no longer here and what they have done has made me realize how precious each and every member of the community is, not only in God’s sight but also in each others lives. Each of us are truly God’s amazing gifts to the other. And we anticipate more of God’s love manifesting itself through more members of the community.

We, the CFC-Singles for Christ Passi City Chapter, wholeheartedly, and eagerly anticipates another opportunity of sharing ourselves, our lives and our experiences in our journey of Love with His precious people.

Inside Out: The Truth about Me

 

I would not call this a movie review of Pixar’s movie, Inside Out. I watched it last night and ended up crying in inappropriate moments. Yeah, I just had to use my earphones to block out the rest of the world and surreptitiously check to make sure no one is around to question my tears.

I guess I felt these emotions strongly because I came to certain realizations. But let’s talk about the movie first before I tell you why I cried buckets of tears “in the middle of a colored cartoon”…

The movie shows a fascinating portrayal of what went on inside Riley’s head and how the gamut of really simple emotions inside headquarters created a mess that led to that point where I found myself crying a bucket.

It started with Joy, pleasant, slim, pretty and always perky Joy who, in a really selfish manner, refused to allow her fellow “emotion”, Sadness, to touch the memories because she feared that Sadness will make Riley, well, sad… Sadness is my favorite “emotion” right from the start.

While I was walking around the cinema lanes at Robinson’s Place (or was it SM City, I forgot), two months ago, I found myself drawn to the screen showing a trailer of Inside Out. I thought I was a lot like Sadness, physically and well, emotionally… Sadness was just sad… the weak voice of reason when compared to Joy’s bubbly effervescent personality.

But, there were also other emotions. There was Fear, purple-colored Fear who kept Riley safe. There was Anger who made sure that Riley always got what she wanted. And there was Disgust, slimy colored Disgust who prevented Riley from being poisoned, physically and socially.

When Joy and Sadness were sucked out of headquarters (and I blame Joy’s one-track mind for it), everything went haywire. Well, imagine what would happen when the only emotions you can feel are Fear, Anger and Disgust… and all this during one major event in your life?

What Riley knew about life and herself were suddenly destroyed. I know how that felt. Riley suddenly found herself arguing with her Father (Anger’s fault), and stealing money from her mother to pay for a bus ticket to go back to their old place. The three emotions left at headquarters panicked when they could no longer make Riley feel anything.

And it can happen. When everything in your world has been turned up side down and inside out and truth turned to lies and what was once reliable has let you down, you start feeling numb.It happened to me and  I too, lost touch of all emotion. I was unable to feel anything. Nothing could reach me. I guess I survived because I numbed my heart… if not for that, I probably would have done something drastic when all that was left that could deal with the pain was anger.

I was angry for a long, long time and I could not let go of that anger because it would hurt me if I do. Years after my parents break-up, I still continued to hide my emotions. The night everything went haywire, I almost committed suicide. Joy left me. I refused to entertain Sadness because I did not want to appear weak. I probably could not handle her and no one was around to help me handle her. I was alone. All I had were fear, disgust, anger.And the consoles just would not respond properly.

I don’t know where I am now at my journey. I think I am still an emotional mess but because I joined the CFC-SFC, I started feeling Joy and Sadness along with Hope, Faith, and Love.Anger, Disgust and Fear are still there but they are starting to get themselves in their proper perspectives (and yes, we have a weekend retreat about them too in The Christian and His Emotions).

I guess I cried because I know how Riley felt or did not feel while she was riding that bus. And the whole movie just made me realize how I managed to avoid confronting my feelings and how unhealthy it is to do so.

I am really clueless when it comes to emotions. I don’t know how to react. I have a flight or fight response and in most instances, the “flight” response often wins. I have a lot of escape plans and because of them, I have developed unhealthy habits and certain addictions.

I know at my age, I ought to be a little mature about it but honestly, I am still figuring out where all the pieces fit. I am quite hopeful since I have the best Tutor for it.

I can cry all I want with Him. I can be myself with Him. I can be angry, happy, and cranky with Him and He will always know how to handle me in my emotional mess so that eventually, faith, hope and love will win in the end.

All photos in this entry are not mine.

This is His Vineyard

 

Five years ago, God decided to place me in this field. It’s a really hungry field, a field full of weeds and little seeds. Nothing grows in this field, not much, really.The land is fallow, there’s not much water and no one’s really invested in this graveyard of lost hopes and empty promises.

When He asked me to farm this area, I agreed because I had no choice. Honestly, I did not want to become a Mobile Teacher. While I was forced to do a short stint as an Instructional Manager and Literacy Facilitator in ALS, I was the unhappiest little teacher in this corner of the world.

And then, out of the blue, God decided that I should do this work full time. Wow. I mean, I was too special and full of too much potential to be JUST a MERE Mobile Teacher. Why me, Lord? Why me?

When He sent me to a lot of seminars and trainings and when I made contact with the higher ups, I thought ALS was just a mere stepping stone for bigger things. Little did I know the bigger things He wanted me to have had nothing to do with the things I wanted for myself. I wanted a promotion, fame, fortune, position, power..

God had an entirely different music for me.And when I heard the song He was playing, I refused to dance to that crappy music anymore. I wanted to escape the painful path He wanted me to take. I wanted to turn back from this dreary road…

The disappointments still hurt. I can still associate pain with my job. There are days when I still feel like hiding under the covers on my bed and not getting up anymore. I still struggle a lot with my feelings of failure and I still cling to the principles I firmly believe in even when everyone is telling me I am out of place… but, all I know right know is this is God’s path for me… as surely as He has allowed me to wake up this day, I know this is exactly where He wanted me to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, even while everyday, my heart is hurting and hurting… because I know the pain will end and I know He has a better plan and I surrender to His plans… I will let Him lead me wherever He wanted me to be and I will let Him bring me to places where He wanted me to go even as I continually pray that He will put my career, my work life to good order.

These are some of the people I meet everyday. I just pray that He will continue to enable me to have the heart to fully commit to helping them in any way I can. I pray that He will provide us with the resources that we need. I pray that He will bless me with the wisdom to lead them, the heart to love them, and the passion to serve them..all because of Him and for Him.