I went to a Carmelite Missionaries search in last August 9, 2015. It was a bittersweet moment. But, here is what I wrote about it in my journal on that date.
Yep, I have been unsure when I started. After the search-in, I suffered from a headache and a feeling of tiredness while I was travelling home. I was depressed, desolate and unhappy… and I was not sure why. I was also afraid and sad.
The SFC Regional Conference 2015 helped clear the cobwebs a bit (more on the mega impact of the RECON later will be posted later though).
Here is an entry I wrote in my journal today…
“It was in the RECON 2015 that I have decided to be honest with myself. I also want to get married someday. I also want to have a family of my own. A husband who will love and cherished me in the way God intended a man to cherish and love a woman.
I long for that physical, actual emotional manifestation of the Lord's love in another person. The only bad thing about this is that I have a specific person in mind. And I know it should not be this way. I know I should wait for the special someone God has given to me…
I was going to be honest. I still liked the Carmelite Missionaries. I like the idea that there are sisters who have given their lives fully to the Lord. In fact, I would have loved it if I felt called in that way too.
However, if I insist on this vocation despite the discomforts I have been feeling, I would be very dishonest. I did not feel comfortable during the Carmelite Missionaries Search In. I felt pressured and upset and dissatisfied and bothered which is completely unlike that strengthened, nourished and enriched feeling I get from SFC Teachings, Conferences and Household Prayer meetings.
As I was travelling home that day, I felt drained. I suffered from a terrible head ache. I was upset and I could not settle down. I felt tired… the whole week after that, I struggled terribly from my usual addictions… I felt haunted and hunted.
Everything eased a little after our SFC Evangelization and CLP Training the Sunday after the Carmelite Search In. The community reminded me to stop stressing, to be faithful and to believe in the promises of the Lord.
Still, I felt frightened by the lack of security in the future I am envisioning for myself. Realizing you really don't feel called is rather embarrassing and disappointing. I was not really happy during the search in, I felt so self-conscious (this is the reason why I intended to finish the search-in in the first place. I needed to make sure that this is how I felt).
I am afraid because I have always used the religious vocation as an alternative to the kind of life I truly feared but wanted. I fear commitment and making myself vulnerable to another person because I have trust issues. I don’t know if I am capable of loving another person that much and I fear that when I realize I could, I won’t be able to believe or accept that another person can like or even love me as I am. Not in the romantic sense, no.”
So yes, that’s how my vocation discernment is going right now. I really wanted to be sure. But I am in a state of chaos…
However, a dear friend told me to that if I trust the Lord, if I have faith in Him as I claim I have, I will not fret or fear the future like this. Instead, I will hope in His promises and His plans because He is a good God…
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