Is this a sign?
I once heard from someone somewhere (I think that was from an aspirant during a discernment talk) that priests and religious sisters are required to fall in love first. A romantic relationship is a requirement. Well, that’s a requirement where I fall short. You see, I have never had a boyfriend and I never once imagined myself in love (I do not know what love is!)
I wanted to become a religious sister mainly because I do not want my life to go to waste. I’d rather be a religious sister than a bitter, old spinster. I was not exactly dead set on it. It was an option I refused to give up simply because I really have not fallen in love.
Let me tell you what I think about romantic love. As a romance novel junkie (I read romance novels a lot!), I thought I was a romantic at heart. I did not realize that I never really believed in love. Experience, observation, readings, telenovela surfing (I do not watch teleserye and telenovela a lot) taught me that love is temporary. It also taught me that love is reciprocal (the formula should always be man+woman=love). However, love fades and when one of the partners find someone new, it would be so easy to replace the former.
So, I decided to just read about love in pocketbooks. They are safer there. Let me tell you how awfully affected I am whenever a love ends (like the hero cheats on the girl, the girl does not really get the guy in the end etc). I always cry and sometimes, when cheating is involved, my dreams will be haunted by the broken relationships I just witnessed.My pet peeved has always been cheating. I am always high strung whenever my family watch teleserye’s that carry that particular arc.
So for me, love fades. Love ends. Love is temporary. Love is not forever. Love is selfish. Love never lasts.
I was not into lovesongs, except those on unrequited love. I prefer country songs, rock music,and other music that never dwells on love. It upsets me.
Until I fell in love.
Years ago, I would not have called it love. I would have relegated it under the “crush” category. Mostly, my crushes were unattainable people. People I never really talk to. I guess it’s pretty much safer that way.
It’s fascinating how God used this very human emotion to show me His love. I needed an example, I guess. I needed to know what His love felt like. I wanted to understand. How can He love someone like me? Why does He bother? What does He feel?
My dearest friend doesn’t find my crush handsome. In fact, when I told her that I think (let’s call him Jordan shall we) Jordan is in love with another, my friend told me to “get over him, he’s ugly anyway.” He is not my usual type. I was not expecting to fall for him since I thought of him as a kid brother, no more and no less although I already admired a lot of his qualities.
The feeling sneak up on me until one day, I just looked up and found myself looking for his familiar, comforting presence amidst a crowd of hostility.
Back then, I was discerning. Should I become a Carmelite or shouldn’t I? How am I supposed to break the news to my mother? How about my debts? I was not pretty sure how to proceed.
I am still discerning but unlike before, I no longer have my mind closed against marriage. It’s true, marriage isn’t just an institution, sometimes, it’s a person. I never once considered getting married and having a family until I fell in love with him. I never once imagined myself hitched before. So, my Carmelite plans are on hold until I join the weekend retreat I needed to join before I turn 30.
I heard he is in love too. It’s okay with me. It only made me understand how Jesus feels every time I turn away from Him to seek comfort elsewhere.
You see, I am a troublesome little fellow, trying to find my identity and love in food, books, career and my family that I forgot the single source of my being. When I felt the bittersweet idea that the person I love is in love with another, I came to understand how God must have felt every time I turn away from Him.
And because of this, I now make a conscious effort to turn to Him all the time. My love hurts me or disappoints me, I run to Jesus and hug Him. Jesus loves me enough and He will never ever deem me unworthy of Him. He has made me worthy. He has cleansed me. He has died for me. That’s the kind of love Jesus has. Eternal. Everlasting. Selfless. Self-sacrificing. Our priests called it a “martyr’s” kind of love.
Hearing this message and experiencing this message are two different things. What I feel for Jordan is only a little bit of the love Jesus feels for me. I can only wish the utmost happiness for Jordan and whoever it is that he loves. And I can only wait for whatever it is that my Eternal Lover has planned, designed and willed for me even if it means another person to love.
