My vocation is His purpose for creating me…
I really wanted to be able to say that I have discerned and accepted God’s purpose for my life. I started out as if I was on a quest of discovering my vocation! I was excited, and very eager to know God’s will for my life.
I have been in that particular mode for several weeks after the Regional Conference. I wanted to know! I had to know God’s will for me! And I tried finding out (as if I could do it on my own…)
After several weeks, I got tired of trying to find out. Now, I still do not have answers. I still do not know if it is His will for me to be single, get married or become a religious sister. Not being able to know the answer has crushed my soul a little. I felt as if God was denying me something I really wanted to know! Or did I really?
I did find out several things about myself though. These discoveries has led to more confusion because I did not like what I learned. I have learned that I also wanted to get married and have a family of my own (and the really sad thing about it is I already have someone in mind, someone who will likely never notice me – this led to self-pity, resentment and binge-eating in order to cope with the depressing feelings). I also learned that I really did not want to stay single (and be a spinster, although this is what my family expects me to be and this just feels like the most likely outcome anyway) and since this is almost a given, I decided that I would rather be a religious sister than become a bitter spinster who hates everyone for being happy!
Those discoveries made me unhappy about myself. I once gave up on the idea of marriage for myself. I was content, or so I told myself. I even anticipated spinsterhood. I was determined to glory in it and enjoy the freedom and not be the stereotypical sad and unhappy old maid. I was going to become the cool aunt or at least, the nice and kindly although eccentric teacher. However, when those convictions were challenged, when I was repeatedly told that God has other plans for us, I felt a surge of resentment and anger well up in me. I wanted to cry and tell them to not give me false hopes. It seems a big part of myself has already given up on the concept that someone other than God can love me for me…. And I did not want to be bothered anymore. I joined SFC because I knew I would be a Single for Christ – maybe forever and I even started inquiring about how to become a Handmaid of the Lord when I reach 40.
I really did not want to open myself to other possibilities!
Then came the frantic desire to be called, be chosen for something really special. I wanted God to show me signs that He wanted me for Himself. I long for Him to let me hear, know and really see that yes, I am called to become a religious sister because if I can only be sure, I would be brave and tell Nanay about it and even if it hurts her, I would follow God's calling. But, I did not ask God to do that because I was really afraid to know… I feel afraid to know what He plans for me…
Silly person that I am… wanting to know but not really wanting to know. I prayed for Him to reveal His will for me in a rather half-hearted manner… because I really am afraid to know about it and God knows it too.God knows I am unready to know His will for me and because He loves me, He is waiting for me to be ready for Him…
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Wonderful and loving Father, thank You for being so patient with me. Forgive me for being impatient with You and for refusing to really know Your perfect will for my life. Father, grant me the desire to truly know what it is that You plan for me. Prepare my heart for Your plans and ready my life for Your wonders. Create in me the desire to know and the courage to follow You all the days of my life. Amen.
