This is me, coming clean…
In the midst of the chaos of my mind, the flurry of activity around me, the anxiety of my soul, the longings and insecurities and fears of my heart… I was able to hear Him say to me: “Pause for a while… take it slow. Let’s take it slow.”
I was so anxious to rush into things. I was so defensive and all my walls were up. Jealousy, insecurities, fear and the need to take control of things filled me day in and day out. I snatched back the heart I surrendered in His care because things were getting out of hand.
I fell in love. I missed out on a promotion. I got a lot crazy. I came to realize the mistakes of my youth and the regrets were eating out at me. I succumbed to my weaknesses and let my dementia get the better of me. All in all, I was trying to take control of my life so that I could take care of the pain… or in the very least, numb my heart as I did before.
It did not work. It was the heavy streak of jealousy and insecurity that did me in. I am such a good actor that no one could really see what is happening in my heart and its something I can never really share because I do not want to destroy friendships and good relationships when my secret feelings come to light. I want the object of my affection to be happy in his choices. And if it so happens that he likes someone close to my heart, its okay. She’s a good choice for him. She will take good care of him. He is a good choice for her. A steady person who is dependable, one you can trust and rely on… such a pillar of strength has been missing in our lives so far.
I am probably leaving clues around here (and I am keeping my fingers crossed that those significant people won’t be reading this) but yeah, it was love that did me in. And when love is outside the context of its Godly perspective, when we try to love without God in it (probably because we want to preserve a portion of our hearts and our minds and reserve something for ourselves…) we become selfish, our vision narrows, we become jealous…
The other day, I decided to come clean to myself and to God. Yes, I am jealous and denying the jealousy is warping up my thinking. My actions were already unkind and yeah, spiteful. So, I decided to give my heart back to God (and I do not want it back).
In His hands, my heart will be safe. In His care, my heart will be okay. I am no longer sure if I want to pursue becoming a religious sister. Let me be honest here. Wanting to become a religious sister has been my defense mechanism for a long, long time. It kept my heart safe (the image of a princess in an impregnable tower without a charging prince or knight in shining armor). I don’t really feel called. There was and is no sense of being called to be one inside me. I just wanted to feel so special that I made myself believe God chose me for this special vocation. (Being rejected and bypassed and being unnoticed a lot of times for not measuring up or because of your physical appearance, incapacities takes a toll on a vain, female heart. It’s so easy to disregard the need to feel loved and appreciated when you tell them you have reserved your all to the Lord).
I will also be honest in here. I am like all the other girls in the world. I also want to get married someday. I guess for a long time, I resigned myself with the possibility of not being able to get married because of my weight. No guy could ever like a girl like me, I decided. I still won’t believe romantic love can happen to someone like me. And so, I have learned to hide my heart so that it won’t ever feel a man’s rejection.So that it won’t ever be hurt… but,despite all the hiding, love still caught me unawares. And my heart is hurting… since I can’t stand the hurt, I decided to give my heart to God… so He will keep it safe for me.
Maybe, someday, I would also know love in that other sense…Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know what God has in store for me. All I know is, from now on, I am focusing on Him. Getting to know His love. Getting to know Him. If He decides to give my heart to someone, I am sure its because He trusts that this someone will help Him care for my broken, fragile heart.
Maybe, someday….
But for now, Jesus and I will take it slow… as I explore the greatest love story and romance of my life.
