Right now, I am on a vigil… waiting for someone to die. I probably lost hope when I saw his situation.
This is always the hardest part. The waiting… and probably the hoping. The hoping that things would change and he’d get better and the endless waiting. I hate that he has to suffer. And I had to suffer with him too.
I can’t stand it. The fact that I can’t do anything, that time is flying, that even after crying buckets of tears, I still have a lot left.
I had to write this because I can’t stand it. I had to bleed the emotions out. If words had color, these would come out in red.
The hurting does not end the hoping and the hoping does not stop the hurting. I don’t know if he’s lucid anymore. I just know he is in pain.
Panda was born on June 2014. His mother waited until I arrived from Cebu before she had her litter – two pretty kittens with her colors. Panda had black and white fur and Orange had yellow-orangey and white fur.
Our cat of three years, Puti (because she’s pure white and had speckles of orange and black), died on a road accident about a month ago. She was hit by a car when she investigated a pack of mewling kittens thrown over by someone on the waiting shed.
We took in the kittens and a month later, they died and infected Panda with whatever disease they brought.
Now, Panda is dying and I can’t bring myself to go to work in this state. I am on a vigil, a painful one for me. I know some people would laugh but I considered our pets relatives already. They share in all aspects of our life, they are part and parcel of our routines and they are helpless creatures who litters our home with little pockets of joy.
So, it is hurting me to see him dying like this, painfully. And I can only cry.
