Grateful

Yesterday, I was reminded of how good life has been to me.

I have a family who would spend several hours preparing for a small, family-only celebration of my 28th year here on earth. I have a community who made me feel how good it is to have real friends and sisters in Christ. I have a rewarding work that does not only satisfy the pocket but the needs of the soul too.

All in all, I have a good life.

It was a bittersweet journey, one of confusion and joy and delight and pain and sadness. I was silenced, I guess. I could not write yesterday.

I was seeing things with eyes that are clouded with tears and a mind that could tell pain and joy apart. So, my heart was confused with all the mixed signals it was getting. I know, I have a good life.

God has been so good to me. But I have not really been good to Him, have I.

Wonderful Savior, You know what is in my heart. You know what I am going through right now. I leave everything to You, today. Do what You will. And open my eyes that I may see You clearly.

Between You and God

Everything is always between me and God and no one else.

For years, I have been trying to live up to the expectations of people around me. My life has become a constant blur in an effort to pursue their ideal.

I have never really stood up for something that I want and I have allowed people's dreams to litter my own landscape every day and every night. I wanted to please everyone - a total and complete opposite of who I was back in my school days when I never really cared about anyone's opinion.

Both extremes are difficult for a person. The heart becomes weary and unhappy. Being unfettered to your desires and that of others is no way to live.

But, failing to meet expectations was a good thing for me. It freed me to see something significant and more important in my life. Actually failing to meet expectations made me realize that I don't have to live up to the expectations of other people.

This is the first time in years that I felt unburdened and untroubled. Why? Because I saw that in the end, everything comes down to this: Everything is always between you and God.

Is what I am doing what God wants me to do? Is this His will for me? How do I know it is His will for me... Walk closely with Him, abide in Him, talk to Him every moment of everyday and He will tell you.

I may have hurt a lot of people in my solitary and sometimes confusing walk in this world. It's not easy to be me with all the confusions and doubts and fears... but, if others fail to understand me, it will still be okay for me. God always knows and understands and His opinion of me is all that matters. And, I know, He will make me understand others too...