I don’t ever know why I ever make prayers that eventually hurt me… and the weird thing is God always hears those kind of prayers. I mean why doesn’t He listen when I ask Him for a promotion, a raise, a gadget I would have wanted to possess, freedom to travel, financial freedom and stuff like that?
Probably because He knows they won’t be good for me. Well, I do know that God only gives me the things that are good for me even if I do not agree with Him at the moment.
You see, yesterday (or maybe it was earlier), I prayed that God would show me what is wrong with my heart. I asked Him to reveal to me my sinful nature… and He did. And I feel so devastated by the extent of helplessness I feel over my own inner wickedness.
I am wicked at heart. My heart is filled with jealousy and rebelliousness. Every time I feel unloved by the people I care about, I throw a jealous tantrum. I just want to escape and whenever this is not possible, I become angry, resentful and I really am capable of expressing it.
Deep inside, I am a jealous person because I am insecure, very insecure. Deep inside, I do not trust other people to love me or care for me as much as I know I can care for or love them… I don’t really believe I can be loved. Because every time I let myself believed I can be loved, I end up feeling hurt or disappointed. I know God loves me but at times like this, I realized that wallowing in self-pity is easier than confronting how much I distrust the God I said I love.
I fear the Lord. I do not trust Him enough. I am afraid of His plans because even when I know that His plans are always good (yes, even His plans for me), I am not very sure that I would come to like His plans for me.
This is the reason why I was able to hide my hearts desires from myself. This is why, up to this point, I am always ambivalent and unsure of what I want. This is why I am able to complacently go with the flow and just grin and bear it (even grind my teeth while doing so). This is why I have grown so numb, why I have developed a lot of addictions that tear away at my body, my heart, my mind and my soul.
Ask me what I want to do with my life and myself and I will not be able to tell you because I feel afraid. I am afraid that once I learn what I truly want, God would discover my hearts’ desires and deny these things from me.
The funny thing is, I also know He knows them already. Even as I unconsciously refuse to acknowledge the things I desire, He already knows them. And He is not doing anything to keep me away from those things…There is nothing wrong with Him and everything is wrong with me, with my weak, human, fearful and distrustful heart.
I fear the Lord’s love and I do not trust His love. There is nothing wrong with His love and everything is wrong with mine.
It’s funny how I watch all other peoples’ lives flourish even as I secretly pray for good things for them and I wonder if others are even praying for me too.
In the religious community I am a member of, I have a sister whose boyfriend is also one of the brothers (I do pray that their relationship will flourish beautifully and be richly blessed by the Lord). The other members teasingly mentioned that Sis **** is the prayer warrior of Bro ****. I joined in the teasing but I came to realize there is a truth in this too.
I wonder, who is praying for me too? Do I have no one? I come from a family of broken people. I am not sure what goes on in their private prayer lives. Mine is a mess, to be honest. (But we will talk about that in another blog entry). So, I wonder, does anyone pray for me? Or am I such an easy person to dismiss that no one can even recall me in their prayers (if you can see me now, staring before the screen, typing crazily, while tears are streaming down my face…it’s almost funny, and yes, there’s snot too).
I don’t want to think that way but I have that fear… I don’t feel important or significant in the lives of others. I don’t feel like I matter. I don’t feel valued. I feel like something of a burden. I feel like an intruder. Sometimes, I stay out of people’s way so I won’t be a bother.
Yes, this is what goes on in my heart. You see me smile but deep inside, I am this broken. You see me trying to be strong and keep it all together, but deep inside, this is the mess that I am.
I know only He can heal me from my own brokenness. He is the only One who can make me whole. I wonder, have I ever really known wholeness? The fragmented broken pieces of myself is scattered all over and He is picking up the pieces, dusting them away, washing the grime and the first with His own blood… pierced by the broken pieces of me as He resolutely pieced them together again.
One day, I will be made whole and on that day, my love for Him will be perfect, pure and true as my heart is washed clean of its wickedness and darkness and made clean and pure.
I long for that day.
Create in me, O God, a pure heart;
Give me a new and steadfast spirit.
Do not cast me out of Your presence
nor take your Holy Spirit from me.
- Psalm 51:12-13
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