Hollowed Out

 

Blogging is an effort.

I find it difficult to pour not only my thoughts but also my soul on paper.

A famous writer once said that writing  is effortless because you only have to sit before a typewriter and … bleed. Yes. Easy. I can literally see blood gushing out of my pores now.

What you read on this blog has more to it than just the letters strung together to form words to describe an experience, no an encounter that can never be fully explained.

I don’t like revealing this side of me to others. I don’t much like sharing my thoughts and feelings because every time I do, I feel as if a hollowing out is occurring within my soul. I would start to feel empty, as if all I have learned in that arduous experience has disappeared! The same happens when I share/ speak in front of my brothers and sisters in SFC. There is that hollowing out I have grown to dread, thus, making me want to hide when “sharing” time comes.

Everything I have written  or said will be tested the next day. Everything I shared will be experienced again. Everything I have posted will be re-encountered and the learning would begin all over again. It seems in this wonderful walk, you never stop learning.

But I can’t not share. I can’t say no anymore.

Saying no was easy before. Its easy to say no to my household head. ( I can’t say no when it comes to my work!) But now, I can’t say no to Him, not as easily as I used to.

The speaker in one of the workshops I attended during the SFC Regional Conference said  we should not keep our experiences with Christ to ourselves since it is not ours to keep.

I keep a diary. Since high school, I have learned to keep a diary because I had no one to share my secrets with. Keeping a diary kept me sane and really secretive. My diary contained everything I feel and thought of, all my angst, my anger, my irritation. It was only later that I learned I had very negative diary entries. Reading through it revealed how vitriolic I have been and how angry I was. People say I can’t be this solitary and sane. They were right too. My older diaries would attest to how “dark” my heart has become. Outwardly, they see this workaholic girl who is always so accepting, and seems so happy. They see this person who always says yes to what they want. But they do not see the bitter girl inside the diary, so full of resentment and anger…

I have burned a lot of diaries simply because I can’t stomach my own thoughts! When my mother found several of my diaries and read through my entries, she was crushed with what she found there. That was when I realized how hurtful my writing has become. I was writing, and thinking and feeling unforgivable thoughts towards people around me (and they thought I was this sweet, innocent girl who can’t say a bad thing at all).

Realizing that was crushing. Even my blog posts were reflecting my negativity. My posts were “God-less” entries in an already self focused blogosphere. Heavenessence was just one of those dangerous pot holes in an already pain-ridden world.

For the past few  weeks, I have learned this. The hollowing out is good because you are only being emptied to receive new fillings – fresher, healthier for the soul and better with your romance with God.

Lord, hollow me out and fill me with new wine. Refresh me and let me not fear the “emptying” process. Give me the courage to seek the “emptying” time so that I will be ready for the times of “refilling”.