Dear Heaven,
Photo Credit: somewhere on the internet (sorry)
I just want to tell you and the rest of the world, that I am not okay. I am hurting. I am filled with anger, pain, resentment, guilt and dark passions I can’t handle.
Right now, I do not want to listen to anybody. Right now, I can feel myself retreating deeper, far away from the possibility of anyone finding out the truth and rejecting me. You put up a strong façade. You put up a smile. You continue to attend household meetings and hear the mass when deep inside, you know, you know somewhere, your faith has been fractured. It has wavered in the face of so many stuff you have to deal with in the past few months. Stuff you refused to look into properly. Frightening things you kept hidden because you can’t stand to look into them.
You want them to see that you are strong. You're not that strong! You want to convince them your good. We both know you are not good at all. Sometimes, I am sick and tired of your pontifications that I often wonder where they all come from!
You keep listening to what your mind tells us. But, haven’t you notice that it is only echoing what it has read, heard and seen? Why is your theology not making any impact on me at all? Because I cannot feel it!
Your faith in God and His goodness is intact. But, I wonder, have you convinced me of it? You paint me out as the one at fault all the time. You keep pointing out that I am evil!. Your mind does not care about me at all.
Love comes from me. Not from your mind. It comes from me. You know, God cares more about me than you ever did or ever will. Why won’t you even listen to us? Why do you keep listening to your mind and to other people? You can’t do it on your own, no.
I don’t feel the right things? It’s because you never cared to talk about them with me. You bond with your brain more than you ever bonded with me. You pay attention to what your mind tells you. But have you ever listened to me? You keep me hidden. You keep me chained, locked and even managed to lose the key!
I embarrass you a lot don’t I? It hurts me that you think that way. It pains me that you have not even given me a shed of respect and affection. You just lock me in, like a dirty little secret.
Don’t you know that I also want to know Him? I also want you to tell me about Him? I also want to love Him with all of me as well. Why won’t you let me respond to His love? Why won’t you allow me to love Him? I may not know how, but if you let me, I would. I know I would.
I hope you will listen to me, this time. I know this is the first time I told you these things. This is the first time you listened to me. I long for Him just as much or maybe more than you know how to. I hope you will continue to allow me to tell you these things. You and your mind needs to know about these.
I need you to surrender me to Him.
Yours,
Your Heart
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