From Just Dating to Really Committing Pt.2

(Alternative Title: Joining the CFC-Singles for Christ Community)

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So, I went into the next Module with a little fear, trepidation and a tempered sort of eagerness. I was hungering for more but a part of me feared rejection and not living up to expectations.

You see, the funny thing about this relationship is that you are being made to see who and what you really are and to see who and what you really are in God’s eyes. And I was afraid of seeing who I really was. I felt comfortable not knowing, thank you very much. But I just can’t give the CLP up. I kept returning every Sunday, not missing anything, loving and crying during the Worship songs, feeling so embarrassed over the tears but not really being able to help myself. Before SFC, I never cried. After SFC, I became such a cry baby over every little thing that breaks my heart. My cold, brittle unbreakable heart was putty in His hands.

Module 2: The Authentic Christian Life

The four sessions of Module 2 talked about The Authentic Christian Life. This is the hardest parts of the CLP for me. I don’t know if others feel the same but even until now, this remains the hardest part. Each of the Talks keep reaching out to me even after CLP and beyond that.

Session 5 is all about The Christian Ideal-Loving God. We are expected to love God with all our mind, our heart and our strength. I realized I barely understood what this meant. I mean, I barely know God, how can you all expect me to love Him? It all sounds so simple and when I asked our DGL, her response was equally simple, “pray for it”. And until then, I realize I was not even praying, no, not with my heart, not with my all. If Talk 5 frightened me, Talk 6 was even more painful.

Talk 6 is Loving Your Neighbor. It was emphasized that these two are the core of Christian Life, loving God and loving your neighbor. The speaker explained what love is not and related what love really is. I was full of questions and I never found the answers that day. How can I possibly love my neighbor? I do not know what love means. All the while, my life has been a series of responsibilities, duties and obligations. I have never felt loved so how  can I even love my neighbors? The answer, again, was to pray for it. I was really getting tired of this response. I mean, I was expecting that my questions will be answered. If the Church can’t give me answers, if the Children of Mary failed to give me the answers, if our Youth Choir and Parish Choir failed to give me the answers and if psychology, philosophy and science’s answers failed to satisfy me, where am I supposed to find these answers? Inside the wall of a convent? In the mountains? I certainly cannot find it at home! I was starting to feel resentful. It was only by God’s grace that I stayed with the CLP. Because the next talk was about to completely annihilate me .

Session 7 was about the Christian Family.When we were young, I used to say that I have the best family in the whole world. My parents were very protective. I was very disciplined as a child. Although my father was not working then, we did not have much trouble financially since he is managing our small business while Nanay worked as a teacher. My mother was very workaholic. But I was glad to have Tatay at home. For 20 years, he was there for us. To tease us, protect us, love us, make sure our meals are ready, our clothes washed, our opinions heard, our allowances doubled when Nanay wanted to instill the value of every penny. I used to force myself to laugh at every lame joke Tatay uttered. Now, I would pay to hear those jokes again. I never really appreciated how wonderful a father I had until things went downhill on my 20th birthday. I don’t really like talking about my family. It only makes me see failure, regret, disappointment, guilt, anger and a whole host of other negative emotions I have bottled up for more than five years. The speaker was talking about the Christian Family, while I was thinking about my “family”. They were talking about broken families as if they were a mere theory. They do not know what it means to be a part of one, to be left picking up the pieces after the storm has passed (or did it?). I keep remembering the days and nights when my siblings and I had filled our lives with movies, one after the other, just to get through the day. I remembered how I would lay down the floor, crying silently, raging inside, as I listen to some rock band at full volume. I remembered thinking only how we should survive today, in whatever way we can. I talked to my brothers and sisters, I tried to be as honest as I could with them, but nothing could heal the rift inside, nothing could still the stirring, boiling mass of anger, pain and that feeling of being let down. After the Talk, I guess, I just felt numb.

A year later, while going through my parents old papers and stuff, I found an invitation. My mothers co-teacher, sometime in 1997 or so, invited Nanay and Tatay to attend the CLP for the local chapter of Couples for Christ. I keep thinking that if they had joined, maybe, we would still be intact today. We would still be together as a family, fulfilling God’s plan, and raising children who are not ignorant of God’s love and mercy.