The Face of My Fear

 

Hey, I think you’re living in a cloud!

Several days after my (hopefully) last final examination for Graduate School (for my first MAEd that is), a voice inside me whispered those words.

It was very quiet then. Even as I try to recuperate from several days of lack of sleep and really gritty eyes, and even as I try to busy myself with work, with accepting an opportunity (a torture at this stage) to serve God vocally in front of my fellow SFCs, with working on two project proposals for our LGU linkages,  with reading shoujo manga’s on the side, a part of me, just a little part, was rebelling and was trying to pull me away from all this… like I am doing too much of stuff for people – without connecting to these people.

I feel hollow inside now. And I am longing for something simple… something where I can get in touch with people, something where I can still watch the sunrise and the sunset and do quiet walks surrounded by the beauty of creation.

Home, work, home, work, graduate school… busy travelling to and fro and not really seeing where you are going and who you are connecting with… where is life in that? Where is love?

Somehow, a part of me longs to be somewhere else, with people whom I can help and who see me not as some one who can do something great, but someone who works with great love in her heart.

I cannot give up thoughts of becoming a religious sister because I fear what I might become if I stay single – a power hungry, status driven old-maid who sticks by the rules. I am afraid of losing what little love has started to warm my life.

I want to get out there and do something like volunteer. I want to get out there and do something that is not for me but for the other person or persons. I want to serve like that’s what I am meant to be or do…I fear becoming so driven like this for work, for position and status, for promotion… I fear that so much… I fear becoming so detached that I will not feel Jesus in my heart anymore.I fear that above all else.

I was always wondering why I was getting chilled before… I was trying to cover up my true fear by not facing them. My fear has an ugly face but it was really so simple. I was just so good at complicating things that I ended up not able to grasp it.

I know what it was like to live without love. Everyday was in monochrome, like everything is gray, or black and white. Like you are an automaton functioning simply because you have to. I am only starting to feel how love can color my world.

But I was only able to have short glimpses of it. I long to be overwhelmed by that love. I long to be immersed in it. I long to bask in it fully that all I am, every moment, is a reflection of that love.

However, I do not know how to….