I took the day off (well, not totally since I am also working on the MIS at home), in order to think about certain matters, and ask myself questions that I fear to answer.
I am currently reading a book by Robert Fabing, SJ which deals with Self Knowledge. The Spiritual Life: Recognizing the Holy is one difficult book to understand. You just can't pause somewhere in the chapter and expect things to flow when you take up the book next time.
It demands a thorough read through (huh). Anyway, this reaffirms ( I am getting terribly fond of the word), my experience during the Weekend Retreat at the Carmelite Missionaries in Duenas.
And I have come to realize the same thing as well. I am living an image. I could not consciously remember everything but I realized that the real me has not emerged. What people see is the me I wanted them to see. Reliable, serious, dependable, non-threatening, soft-spoken, quiet and mousy, Miss Do-It-All. They think I am this nice girl in the corner who simply loves to have life pass her by. They think I am this obedient and self-sacrificing daughter.
But deep inside, a voice was rebelliously and querulously plotting the downfall of such a person. I am not Miss Goody-two-shoes. I am the empty shell of a girl denying her real self.
Inside me, there is emptiness... I do not know how to love. I know responsibility, obligation, and decency. I also know about morality and accountability. I value honesty.
And I wanted to be perfect for a reason. But I am not perfect. I am totally imperfect. I am a fake. Inside me is an angry grl crying out, screaming in frustration and rejection. I have been rejected and in order to protect myself from such a pain, I denied all feelings. I became an automaton.
Currently, through my work as a Mobile Teacher and thru the SFC community, I am being taught how to love. I have come to know social feeling through my learners. But I have yet to learn of love. I know God loves me but I am the one incapable of it.
I would not know love even if it gobbles me up alive because my idealized self killed all feelings inside. I realized I have been dead for a long time now.
The Spiritual Life, according to this book, is a journey inward... a process of getting to know oneself, getting to know the real self.
I used to think I knew who I really am. Now, I realized I truly do not know who I am... and I want to know who I am as God created me, not as I wanted to appear to others... I want to be real. To be true. I have been faked for a long time. I have been seeking for a long time.
Lord, I pray, give me the wisdom to know where to look for that self I have hidden from for a long, long time. I also pray for the courage to confront the person You have created me to be... and not hide from it anymore...as mentioned before, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"... and I want to know that fearful and wonderful creature You have created.
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