Choices

 

We all have goals and plans for the future.

We all have dreams and aspirations.

When I was in grade school, I wanted to be: a doctor, a singer, a writer,a novelist, a librarian, and a princess. In high school, I only wanted to be left alone to read my books (thus, I worked hard to give what my mother wanted i.e. honors and awards and then I spent most of my time pretending to study while I was really just reading) .

It was in college that a lot of wants came in. I wanted to become a SILAK writer (and promptly failed on my first screening). I vowed to graduate Summa Cum Laude (and graduated without any academic distinction because I was disqualified by a grade I had in Math). I wanted to become Most Outstanding Student Teacher (and was consoled with an Outstanding Student Teacher award in my Major area). I also planned to be a LET topnotcher (and of course, I was not). I always prayed for all these wants (but always with tongue-in-cheek so to speak).

I guess I did not get everything I wanted or planned to have despite my prayers back then. I felt as if God was not listening to my prayers. And so, I actually stopped praying for whatever it is that I wanted. God will not give them to me anyway!

After college, I just wanted to find work and a salary that would help us through our monthly needs. Once I had the work, I planned on career advancements, on improving my chances for promotion. I focused on learning the trade.

I refused to dream about getting married, and having a family of my own and all that. I was afraid to ask God for those things because maybe, God is particularly contrary with me. He would not give me the things I ask for after all.

By the latter part of 2013, I was singing a different song. I wanted God to tell me what He wanted me to do. I was waiting for signs, for His moving, for His voice to just tell me I should do this “thing” I was born to do because once I know, I will do it.

I know now that God is totally in control but “each one chooses”, as Jesus said in Francine River’s novelette, Unafraid (Mary’s story) . We all have choices. God respects and loves us too much to impose His will upon us. We can always chose.

I can choose to become a religious sister despite my mothers very dire refusal to even consider the thought and despite all the fears I have. I can stay single and pour all the love and passion I have to serving Him through my family, my own profession and my SFC community (or someday, the CFC-Handmaids of the Lord). And if He will send me this paragon of virtue He has intended to pair me up with, I can consider letting go of all my fears, inhibitions and insecurities and trust a man to love me enough to put a ring on my finger.

There are just so many possibilities with this life, this time on earth He has given me.

Whatever I chose ( and I still do not have any idea for now), I know I should chose to live that life with Him in it.