Outstanding in His Eyes

 

It has been a long, eventful and blessedly educational year with ALS (Alternative Learning System).

Even if there is no search, or even if there is no need to do so, I made a deal with myself to always prepare a portfolio. Earlier this year, I learned a lot about my deficiencies as a teacher while I worked on my portfolio and my PAST (Performance Appraisal System for ALS Mobile Teachers). When I honestly filled in the contents, I saw my weaknesses and strengths. I realized how weak I have been as a teacher and I saw where I should improve myself.

When I did not get chosen as Outstanding ALS Mobile Teacher, I was devastated and I managed to hurt others as well because of that feeling of inadequacy. I lashed out on a friend because I did not know how to deal with the feelings of loss. I have always defined my self by my career. I dedicated my whole life to it. When I did not receive the award, I felt betrayed… as if I was the one who was deserving after all. I gave my all, everything I am in this job. I always put my job above everything else. For the last three years, my job was above everything… I also felt as if I disappointed a lot of people by failing to live up to expectations.

It was a painful experience for me. I was filled with feelings of loss, betrayal, confusion, disappointment and guilt for having those feelings… it did not make sense. After all the things I did, this is the reward I get? I told myself I was not expecting anything, but deep inside, I wanted to be recognized for the sacrifices I made, for the sleepless nights I spent working on a lot of stuff for the betterment of the program.

However, 7 or more months after the fact, I feel utterly grateful for not making it. Deep inside is this gratitude surging within. That was the big learning curve of this year, the biggest. When I can no longer cling to my identity as a professional, I turned to being His daughter. There's no comfort in my work, there's no joy or reward in it. It does not make sense anymore.

But when I turned to Him, I realized why I had to experience that. In my desire to do everything for everyone, in my need to please everybody, I was forgetting the essence of the program. I forgot about my learners. I forgot about the people for whom the program was designed. I was not being a good teacher. Rather, I was becoming a trained planner who rushes out of the classroom when called.

From that failure and painful experience came a new perspective. If I did my best for my learners, if I was truly working for God and not for people, even if I do not get selected as outstanding mobile teacher, I would not be bothered. The praise and adulation of man is temporary but to do the will of God gives you eternal reward.

It took awhile. It took Him awhile to teach me that. Even if my 2012 portfolio claimed the message of Colossians 3:23, its embodiment was realized later.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people."  - Colossians 3:23

With this in mind and in my heart, I know I will never go wrong.