Blessings and the Problem of Pain

This is a whole day thought blog. I started today with Laura Story’s Blessings.

This is a song that deeply resonates in my heart for vague reasons: count the recent incidents that have hurt the Filipino people, and our own personal struggles to start with and you find a whole plethora of reality that would be beyond your notice and understanding.

Remember Job. Remember David and Bathsheba. Remember Peter (I’m sure he was hurt by his betrayal of the Lord). Remember Judas (and how he escape facing the pain of that same betrayal).

We are talking about the problem of pain. Once you know true pain, you’ll know true joy. If God is good, why has He allowed suffering and pain, we ask ourselves. I used to be totally beyond this question. I refused to confront pain and suffering because I was afraid to challenge the weakness of my faith.

My grandfather’s death was my first taste of pain. I was devastated because I was too young then. I learned to distance myself from things that matter because I know they will be taken away from me but I never counted God into the equation. I guess my first brush with reality made me realistic and I did not want to think that God wanted to hurt me because I just might hate Him for what He has done.

Every time I fail, every time I did not get the much coveted award, the much coveted honor and recognition, I just tell myself its all my fault. The death of pets would make me cry. I recall throwing a stone at the departing back of a Ceres bus because it ran over my dog. I was devastated too and I cried by the streets. But I refused to blame God or even think of God anywhere near pain. God has nothing to do with it! Things just happen. I should have made sure the door was locked and all the fences mended! And I should have shoot the bus driver instead.

Because I know old people die, I distanced myself from my remaining grandparents so it was not much of a blow when the two of them passed away last year. I cried yes, but I cried because I realized that my trying to distance myself from the pain prevented me from getting to know the joy of having them in my life.
I also did not like to fail so I never made much of an effort for anything. I could always say that my failure was all my fault, not God. I did not study much, did not prepare my papers well, did not work hard. God has nothing to do with it so I should not blame Him.

Pain. Sometimes, it is knowing that your family is about to be split-apart and since you did not know what to do, you just stand there and wait for the final blow, with eyes closed. Sometimes, it is hearing people talk behind your back, about your parents, your family. Sometimes, it your inability to do something for someone you love. Sometimes, it’s this gut-wrenching ache inside your soul that crumples you and destroys all your dreams.Sometimes, it is the realization of all those times you failed to stand firm against all the temptations in your life. Sometimes, it is that awareness of the guilt you bear and the knowledge that you cannot atone for it and that sense of unworthiness you have before Him… you love Him and He loves you but there is this vast evil river of all your sinfulness between the two of you that your soul yearns, hungers for His nearness like a physical pain.

But then, how will you know joy without knowing pain?