Two weeks ago, while rooting on old documents, I found a very old piece of bondpaper with a wildflower taped on its corners.
I smiled when I saw my handwriting. The short note was dated September 3, 2010. That long ago.
I smiled as I looked back on how I started a daily reflective walk back then. My world was in a terrible shape. I was floundering in the dark – professionally, emotionally, spiritually.
If you got to know me as I am now, you probably would not have wanted to get to know the Heaven that I was two years ago. I did not even like myself!
Attached on that whimsical note was a letter written on a yellow pad paper. It was dated November 7, 2010 and it was addressed to God. (It started with Dear God…)
I was asking God why I have an empty feeling in my heat. Why I felt so lost. I mentioned about being so emotional and then being so numb and dead inside.
I told God that I did not understand my self, my life and my world. I asked Him why he denied me the things I have asked from Him. I asked Him if He loves me or not. And to quote one line: “I’m sure You know what I am talking about even if I clearly don’t.”
And then, I asked Him for several things and yes, let me enumerate:
1. OSCYA’s to come forward so that I will have learners in my sessions
2. His presence in my life because I felt so far from Him
3. A new laptop and an internet connection (I had a second-hand laptop back then).
4. A much deeper connection and understanding from/with Him
5. Forgiveness and for Him to make me feel it
6. Emotions because inside I was dead
7. A better life (holier life and self – yep, I wrote that)
8. I asked Him to give me the “strength, the courage, the blessings to continue with this work that I no longer believe in”
9. Assign someone to watch over me and my idiocy and my sinfulness.
And to all 9, He has responded. He gave me Himself, fully, completely. He gave me a community where I can fully share Him and the people who believe and follow Him. It is beautiful how God works. And I did not know He was even working things out like that, so quickly, so drastically, and sometimes so painfully.
Every time I realize and feel His love, that overflowing sense of being so loved utterly and completely and unconditionally, I cry. I always cry. Because it is not normal for me. I took emotions and feelings for granted. I take love and affection for granted. I have learned to protect myself from rejection that I stopped feeling anything… and yes, I even could not feel His love… until He took my blinders.
Jesus is more real to me now. He is not just that hazy figure in history but a friend, a familiar friend I get to experience every morning and evening and yes, every moment of every day of my life. It’s just so beautiful, so overwhelmingly beautiful. Now I can feel how Jesus drew people and is drawing them still now.
And He gave it all to me, in His perfect time.
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