I was astounded by one of Macrina Weiderkehr’s reflections on John 14:1-14.
Let me lift her lines on this:
“A troubled, anxious heart is like a little person. It has its own personality and we do need to learn how to be with it. Here are some ways of being present to your troubled heart.
1. Take if for a walk in the early morning hours when few people are around.
2. Sit with it for long hours gazing into the waters of the lake.
3. Take it to a window at night. Turn out the light; open the curtains and gaze at the stars.
4. Light a candle. Sit down and empty your dear head of thoughts to the extent possible. Become one with your breathing. Let your breath become your prayer.
5. Write a poem for it! Sing it a song!
6. Take it for dancing lessons!
7. Listen to a beautiful piece of music with it!
8. Introduce it to the wide-open spaces of a meadow and fresh air.
9. Have tea with it and maybe even invite a friend.
10. Take it to church for holy hour.
- from Abide, Keeping Vigil with the Word of God
I want to follow what she said but since I am too scattered to write a poem for it, let me write a letter then, an open letter to my heart.
Dear Heart,
In the 28 years that you beat on my chest, I never really thought of you as a part of me. Your presence in the cavity on my chest embarrassed me. We used to be friends when I was younger. I used to wear you on my sleeves. I used to openly share you with others. We used to laugh out loud. We used to have friends. We used to sing, and talk long hours with someone else’s heart. We used to play and run freely in the meadows. We cried when my grandfather died. When you stopped crying and I saw others crying inside that church, we would start again.
You used to beat so fast when I see guys I admire from afar. When I first wrote a love letter and handed it to that crush who crushed you in return, you retreated a little. But you would come out to play with your best friends and we found other guys to admire. We just made sure never to let others know.
Then, do you remember the one time we were about to leave school and someone teased me that I am so OA. I felt OA was bad and thus, you were bad. I stopped talking and listening to you, didn’t I? It’s easier to temper my reactions when I can no longer feel you.
Now, you have completely hidden yourself from me. Even at those points I allowed myself to feel emotions, I do not trust what you allowed me to feel. And sometimes, I cannot even identify what I feel.
I am sorry for hiding you, for locking you up for so long. I know it made my life easier. No one made fun of me again. No one hurt me. No, I did not care enough to be hurt. I had no feelings.
Now, you have become a stranger to me. Who are you? What are you? At times, you scare me now. The way you beat, the way you want things I think you should not want. The way you just seem to take over me. Take my hand again. Talk to me. Let me feel you. Get out of hiding and look at Him. Let Him heal you after the way I have treated you. Let Him assure you that you are safe in His hands. That yes, you will still get hurt, will still feel pain but that’s okay. One touch of His healing hands and you will be okay again. Scarred yes but alive, beating, living, breathing.
Stop hiding. Join me in prayer, in worship. You can cry before Him. You can tell Him everything since He already knows them anyway. Let Him hold you and take care of you as I never did. I am sorry for hiding you for so long, for rejecting you, for not getting to know you.
When I first read Macrina’s reflections a few days ago, I am sorry for thinking how recalcitrant and contrary and bratty you have grown. I am sorry for being angry that you refused to subject yourself to my will, my mind. I am sorry for feeling perplexed and disappointed that you are one broken piece of organ that I can do without! I am sorry for being impatient with your unpredictability, your tantrums. I did not try to understand you. I have ignored and abandoned and starved you of love and affection from others and from myself thinking it would protect me from pain, rejection and disappointments.
No wonder you’d rebel. No wonder you would be uncontrollable. You have so much in you, so much you could have shared which I have controlled, curtailed and killed. Get out of that cell now. It is safe there but it’s not a happy place to be.
I know a much safer place for you. In His hands is where you should be. Because He will take very good care of you.
Love,
Heaven’s Mind
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