Choices

 

We all have goals and plans for the future.

We all have dreams and aspirations.

When I was in grade school, I wanted to be: a doctor, a singer, a writer,a novelist, a librarian, and a princess. In high school, I only wanted to be left alone to read my books (thus, I worked hard to give what my mother wanted i.e. honors and awards and then I spent most of my time pretending to study while I was really just reading) .

It was in college that a lot of wants came in. I wanted to become a SILAK writer (and promptly failed on my first screening). I vowed to graduate Summa Cum Laude (and graduated without any academic distinction because I was disqualified by a grade I had in Math). I wanted to become Most Outstanding Student Teacher (and was consoled with an Outstanding Student Teacher award in my Major area). I also planned to be a LET topnotcher (and of course, I was not). I always prayed for all these wants (but always with tongue-in-cheek so to speak).

I guess I did not get everything I wanted or planned to have despite my prayers back then. I felt as if God was not listening to my prayers. And so, I actually stopped praying for whatever it is that I wanted. God will not give them to me anyway!

After college, I just wanted to find work and a salary that would help us through our monthly needs. Once I had the work, I planned on career advancements, on improving my chances for promotion. I focused on learning the trade.

I refused to dream about getting married, and having a family of my own and all that. I was afraid to ask God for those things because maybe, God is particularly contrary with me. He would not give me the things I ask for after all.

By the latter part of 2013, I was singing a different song. I wanted God to tell me what He wanted me to do. I was waiting for signs, for His moving, for His voice to just tell me I should do this “thing” I was born to do because once I know, I will do it.

I know now that God is totally in control but “each one chooses”, as Jesus said in Francine River’s novelette, Unafraid (Mary’s story) . We all have choices. God respects and loves us too much to impose His will upon us. We can always chose.

I can choose to become a religious sister despite my mothers very dire refusal to even consider the thought and despite all the fears I have. I can stay single and pour all the love and passion I have to serving Him through my family, my own profession and my SFC community (or someday, the CFC-Handmaids of the Lord). And if He will send me this paragon of virtue He has intended to pair me up with, I can consider letting go of all my fears, inhibitions and insecurities and trust a man to love me enough to put a ring on my finger.

There are just so many possibilities with this life, this time on earth He has given me.

Whatever I chose ( and I still do not have any idea for now), I know I should chose to live that life with Him in it.

Broken Before God

 

 

Psalm 51 is a heavy psalm. I don’t know where I read this from, or if I did read it somewhere but this Psalm somehow echoes that feeling David may have felt after he learned how sinful he has become and how he has refused to even see it.

What is a broken spirit like? How broken can you be before you can say your are broken before God? Can you mend that brokenness?

A part of me is aching right now. I am broken. I can see the shattered pieces of myself all around me but I try to hide the pieces from Him and from myself. It’s frightening, the evil I sense and sometimes feel in me. I just want to be pure and clean and whole before Him. I need to feel that.

But the depth of loneliness and sadness  I feel right now, as I hide from Him, is killing me.  Is this what it means to be broken?

Outstanding in His Eyes

 

It has been a long, eventful and blessedly educational year with ALS (Alternative Learning System).

Even if there is no search, or even if there is no need to do so, I made a deal with myself to always prepare a portfolio. Earlier this year, I learned a lot about my deficiencies as a teacher while I worked on my portfolio and my PAST (Performance Appraisal System for ALS Mobile Teachers). When I honestly filled in the contents, I saw my weaknesses and strengths. I realized how weak I have been as a teacher and I saw where I should improve myself.

When I did not get chosen as Outstanding ALS Mobile Teacher, I was devastated and I managed to hurt others as well because of that feeling of inadequacy. I lashed out on a friend because I did not know how to deal with the feelings of loss. I have always defined my self by my career. I dedicated my whole life to it. When I did not receive the award, I felt betrayed… as if I was the one who was deserving after all. I gave my all, everything I am in this job. I always put my job above everything else. For the last three years, my job was above everything… I also felt as if I disappointed a lot of people by failing to live up to expectations.

It was a painful experience for me. I was filled with feelings of loss, betrayal, confusion, disappointment and guilt for having those feelings… it did not make sense. After all the things I did, this is the reward I get? I told myself I was not expecting anything, but deep inside, I wanted to be recognized for the sacrifices I made, for the sleepless nights I spent working on a lot of stuff for the betterment of the program.

However, 7 or more months after the fact, I feel utterly grateful for not making it. Deep inside is this gratitude surging within. That was the big learning curve of this year, the biggest. When I can no longer cling to my identity as a professional, I turned to being His daughter. There's no comfort in my work, there's no joy or reward in it. It does not make sense anymore.

But when I turned to Him, I realized why I had to experience that. In my desire to do everything for everyone, in my need to please everybody, I was forgetting the essence of the program. I forgot about my learners. I forgot about the people for whom the program was designed. I was not being a good teacher. Rather, I was becoming a trained planner who rushes out of the classroom when called.

From that failure and painful experience came a new perspective. If I did my best for my learners, if I was truly working for God and not for people, even if I do not get selected as outstanding mobile teacher, I would not be bothered. The praise and adulation of man is temporary but to do the will of God gives you eternal reward.

It took awhile. It took Him awhile to teach me that. Even if my 2012 portfolio claimed the message of Colossians 3:23, its embodiment was realized later.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people."  - Colossians 3:23

With this in mind and in my heart, I know I will never go wrong.

Lover of my Soul

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know, I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart (x2)

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart (x2)

Songwriters
BRONLEEWE, MATT / GLOVER, BEN / JOBE, KARI

                                                                                                         (www.metrolyrics.com)

Unseen Footprints, Unseen Truths

If you are a seeker and you long to encounter the Divine, I have a book for you. Unseen Footprints: Encountering the Divine along the Journey of Life by Sheridan Voysey

It has revealed a lot of exciting truths that I have never considered in the past. After reading it, I came to the realization that I am not yet fully aware of God and His moving in my life. I get consumed and distracted by earthly stuff like pride, anger, covetousness, jealousies, food, sloth and many others.

I have never fully connected the Creator with His creation thus making me know too little of the greatness, creativity, wonder, and variety that is God. I never fully pondered the various moods of the skies - how fast the sunny weather can sometimes turn gloomy and how powerful typhoons like Yolanda are. I never took time to carefully look at the way the flowers were formed, or how different shades green has for trees. I never once realized how different the animals are from each other and how different man is from one another.

God is greater than I ever pondered Him to be. His creations testify to that. This is one of the reasons why I praise and glorify God and I never completely grasped it.

Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leave you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing, and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it? I did it just for you." 

                                                                                       - Max Lucado

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.2)

 

 

My vocation is His purpose for creating me…

I really wanted to be able to say that I have discerned and accepted God’s purpose for my life. I started out as if I was on a quest of discovering my vocation! I was excited, and very eager to know God’s will for my life.

I have been in that particular mode for several weeks after the Regional Conference. I wanted to know! I had to know God’s will for me! And I tried finding out (as if I could do it on my own…)

After several weeks, I got tired of trying to find out. Now, I still do not have answers. I still do not know if it is His will for me to be single, get married or become a religious sister.  Not being able to know the answer has crushed my soul a little. I felt as if God was denying me something I really wanted to know! Or did I really?

I did find out several things about myself though. These discoveries has led to more confusion because I did not like what I learned. I have learned that I also wanted to get married and have a family of my own (and the really sad thing about it is I already have someone in mind, someone who will likely never notice me – this led to self-pity, resentment and binge-eating in order to cope with the depressing feelings). I also learned that I really did not want to stay single (and be a spinster, although this is what my family expects me to be and this just feels like the most likely outcome anyway) and since this is almost a given, I decided that I would rather be a religious sister than become a bitter spinster who hates everyone for being happy!

Those discoveries made me unhappy about myself. I once gave up on the idea of marriage for myself. I was content, or so I told myself. I even anticipated spinsterhood. I was determined to glory in it and enjoy the freedom and not be the stereotypical sad and unhappy old maid. I was going to become the cool aunt or at least, the nice and kindly although eccentric teacher.  However, when those convictions were challenged, when I was repeatedly told that God has other plans for us, I felt a surge of resentment and anger well up in me. I wanted to cry and tell them to not give me false hopes. It seems a big part of myself has already given up on the concept that someone other than God can love me for me…. And I did not want to be bothered anymore. I joined SFC because I knew I would be a Single for Christ – maybe forever and I even started inquiring about how to become a Handmaid of the Lord when I reach 40.

I really did not want to open myself to other possibilities!

Then came the frantic desire to be called, be chosen for something really special. I wanted God to show me signs that He wanted me for Himself. I long for Him to let me hear, know and really see that yes, I am called to become a religious sister because if I can only be sure, I would be brave and tell Nanay about it and even if it hurts her, I would follow God's calling. But, I did not ask God to do that because I was really afraid to know… I feel afraid to know what He plans for me…

Silly person that I am… wanting to know but not really wanting to know. I prayed for Him to reveal His will for me in a rather half-hearted manner… because I really am afraid to know about it and God knows it too.God knows I am unready to know His will for me and because He loves me, He is waiting for me to be ready for Him…

***

Wonderful and loving Father, thank You for being so patient with me. Forgive me for being impatient with You and for refusing to really know Your perfect will for my life. Father, grant me the desire to truly know what it is that You plan for me. Prepare my heart for Your plans and ready my life for Your wonders. Create in me the desire to know and the courage to follow You all the days of my life. Amen.

Stars in the Sky

Let me just sing when I can't find the words to say what I feel.