The Seeker: Beloved 2013

At the end of 2013, I was confused and a little out of sort. I was often not thinking clearly. I was feeling down and discouraged. Walking with Jesus while holding hands with the devil is a difficult experience, and a humiliating one.

So, I was not able to write a year-ender that would clearly show what 2013 was like. I needed to look back and realized that the answer was just there, staring at me. It’s like a veil has been lifted.

2013 is a beautiful year despite the pains and trials that my heart and soul went through. It was beautiful exactly because of those pains.

This 2013, I realized and really felt that I am a daughter of God. But realizing that I am His daughter does not make me perfect in an instant. There is still an ongoing struggle of dying everyday against my own desire to be, what the world would call, myself. That self was a creature of darkness who only considers her self at the center of every thought, decision and action.

This 2013, I also appreciated being a Roman Catholic. Our so called religion is so rich with tradition and rituals which are often misunderstood and persecuted even by Roman Catholics themselves. I always avoided calling myself a Roman Catholic because of the distrust I felt over these very same traditions and rituals. I don’t want to be like my grandmother who is so dogmatic in her faith nor do I want to be like those people who come to church and curse and yell and hate other people outside it. I did not go to church because I think of these same people as hypocrites, going to church and not living up to the tenets of Christianity. Now, I hear the mass and go to confession not because it is required or desirable for a Catholic to do so. I want to be a part of that community that worship Him and I long for my soul and my heart to be healed and touched by Him. Attending SFC Household meetings and conferences is no longer enough. I need Him too much to wait for SFC activities.. And about my fellow “hypocritical Catholics? I remember what our supervisor once told me when I explained why I do not go to Church “You do not hear the mass for them, but for Him.” It did not make sense before, but it does now. And so, the judgmental, prideful and sick daughter of the Lord goes to church…

This 2013, I felt and experienced His love. When people used to ask me if I love God, I did not answer. I really did not know. How can I love someone who does not care about me? Despite what they taught us, despite John 3:16, I just did not get it. John 3:16 will remain a verse until you experience what God’s love truly means. This 2013, I experienced more of His love. What felt as a short, swift caress before became an onslaught and outpouring this 2013. It’s not because He did not love me. It’s because I did not trust Him so I did not open up myself to Him. His persistent love is overwhelming in its intensity, strong and gentle, forgiving, merciful, kind and understanding but firm despite it all. Everyday, I have to be reminded of that love. It’s so easy to forget that I am His daughter, that He loves me so much when you encounter so much pain, and problems and difficulties everyday. Honestly, there are days when I keenly feel His presence but there are days when He is just so absent in my life and during those days, I would feel so lonely and so alone despite the presence of people around me. I would ask, why can’t He just be here every moment and every day of my life? I know and understand during those times, I should trust Him. But knowing and feeling are not the same and sometimes, feelings would just overwhelm me and I would start fearing.

I feel that I should be a religious sister because I long for the perfection of the union of my soul with Him. I see no other way that this could be possible. I don’t know what to do with my life as it is. But I don’t have the courage to do what I feel I should do.

So, I wait. Wait for more this 2014. Wait for His will to unfold. Wait and trust in His ways.

The people in my life this 2013