The Greatest Love Story of my Life (The SFC Knights’ Tale and Princess’ Diaries Weekend Retreat)

 

 

 

This weekend retreat of the CFC-Singles for Christ was originally meant for the Iloilo Lower North Sector (Passi, Duenas, Barotac Viejo/Nuevo, Banate) alone. However, since it was scheduled for November last year and Typhoon Yolanda hit the Visayas area exactly that day, it was, of course, cancelled/postponed.

I was excited about this retreat because it has been a much touted retreat in the conferences I attended. What I was not looking forward to was wearing a dress.The dress code was my biggest problem. I did not see the whole point back then. You can listen to talks by wearing everyday clothes anyway.

Last August 24, 2014, we had the Iloilo North Sector KTPD Weekend Retreat at Passi National High School, Passi City, Iloilo. Participants were from the Lower North and Upper North Sector (Ajuy, Sara, Balasan, Estancia).

The sisters attended the Princess’ Diaries retreat while the brothers attended the Kinghts’ Tale retreat. I could not grasp the concept as to why we had separate retreats at first but the first talk cleared all the cobwebs in my brain. Indeed, it would be uncomfortable to talk about the stuff our speaker mentioned when there are brothers (men) around. Just listening to her made me feel uncomfortable. I did not realize I was prudish that way.

I don’t think I can ever relay the whole five talks in this small space. Suffice it to say, it was an encounter that completed the missing pieces of the puzzle I call myself.

The other weekend retreats I attended answered several questions I needed to answer. This retreat, however, provided a necessary element that was missing – what it means to be a woman in God’s eyes… what it truly means to be the daughter of the King, to be His princess.

Growing up with two generations of a female dominated household can give you twisted ideas of womanhood. I never really knew what being a woman meant. In fact, I got the message that being a woman is not good so I have come to cultivate and develop the more masculine aspects of myself.

I became cool, cold, aloof, uncaring and gruff. I became career oriented. When Tatay left, I took over his role.I helped provide for the family and discipline my brothers in ways my mother can’t discipline them because she had a really soft heart for her sons. I can be cruel in order to be kind and I believed that.

But, I am a woman. This retreat made me see that. I am a woman, designed by God to be a woman, with a woman’s needs and desires. These desires are alright, and they are not wrong. They are not vanity or covetousness, but are normal and expected of being a woman. There’s nothing wrong with my tendencies. There’s nothing wrong with feelings of discontent since my life is not fulfilling God’s designs, after all. I saw that during this retreat.

I was becoming what Talk 3 warned us about. I was already exhibiting what becomes of a woman when she believes the lies she is told – about not being beautiful at all, about not being enough, about being undeserving, unwanted, unloved. I was becoming a little of the Dominating woman- the woman pretending to be strong. I was becoming the woman who tries to pretend she can do it all, who tries to deny or hide her heart’s desire. The woman who is always self-assured, and who focuses on material success. I was also becoming the Desolate woman – the woman who is overgenerous, who clings to people (I don’t cling though, I automatically teach myself not to care enough), and sometimes, who think that they are nothing, are nobody. I was already suffering from depression.

Despite the really positive, self defining Discovery Weekend two years ago, I was wondering why I cannot reconcile myself. I now know why – I was seeing everything with masculine eyes, the one I developed in order to protect my heart and cope with the lies I completely accepted and believed in.

Talk 4 helped me see all that. The speaker, Sis Lhyn from the Upper North, talked about how deep inside our hearts, we have questions about our beauty. I was really defensive then, thinking that I never had those question… and this is what I wrote even while she was speaking.

- There is no question whether I am lovely or beautiful because I don’t believe I am, and I don’t bother to make the effort since it will not change anything, anyway.

But deep inside, I realized I have buried all these questions. I had a standing joke with my mother three or four years ago (I was 25 that time). I always asked her Nay, gwapa ako? (Mother, am I beautiful?) She will always tell me, Huo, a. (Yes) . Despite her answers, I really never believed my mother.

I keep hearing the jeers, the laughter (tambok ibok-ibok gadalagan, naga umpok, and please do not ask me to translate this, its rude Hiligaynon after all.). I believed I was bullied a lot in elementary and high school and in order to cope, I turned to books and food. I became cold, aloof, uncaring, sometimes shy, but really, just jaded and tired of trying to make others like me. I accepted all that and coped as best as I could but obviously, it was the wrong way to cope.

I never asked those questions again from anyone. I became too afraid to ask. Besides, boys have made their answers clear without saying a word. No one courted me, fat (obese really) girl that I am and I kept saying, I am thankful since it means I have no problem. But, in reality, it felt like rejection.

So, Talk 4 helped start the healing process. I know you can’t do away with a lifetime of taunts in just one night but it helped me see something I failed to see. Our speaker told us to pray and forgive ourselves, forgive others -the women in our lives who failed to show us what true womanhood means, the men in our lives who failed to protect our fragile hearts, and those who failed to see how innately sensitive we are and treat us accordingly. She also urged us to forgive God, because somewhere, somehow, or at some point in our lives, we have blamed God. (And she is right!)

Then, she urged us to dance with God and ask Him all our questions.

1. Do you see something in me that makes you want to pursue me?

2. Do you find me worth fighting for?

3. Is my mystery worth revealing to you?

4. Does my presence add meaning to our relationship?

5. Am I making a difference to you?

6. Do I offer something that will make you pursue a relationship with me?

7. Do you appreciate/value the beauty I held?

Sis Lhyn told us that only One should answer these questions – only God should. And all His answers are a definite YES to all our questions… and while dancing with Him that afternoon, I knew it as the truth.

God, indeed, has designed me, not only to be beautiful, but captivating, worthy to be pursue or romanced, and worthy to be loved, by the King Himself.

Others may not think so, but that is only because they do not believe this of themselves. Once you do, you’ll see everyone as worthy of being the same – God’s creation, sons and daughters of the Lord… His Princesses and Knights.

And that day, I rediscovered the greatest romance of my life.

 

 

 

Still Seeking, Sometimes Praying, Always Hoping

 

I am not more enlightened than  I was months ago. I guess, I just feel more grounded, less afraid, more hopeful, more open, less excited, but still eager.

I can still feel my emotions strongly but I am now more willing to examine them very carefully inside my own heart, hoping and sometimes praying that it won’t explode and hurt innocent bystanders. I am in that in-between space again, still waiting, hoping, and sometimes praying.

A lot has happened in the past few months. A lot has also changed. Some of the changes were positive to everybody but to a broken soul like me, sometimes, these changes are not as welcome as I thought they would be. I had to adjust to new roles, new expectations and disappointments…

I had to make a place within me for the total acceptance that You are the Sovereign God, the All Powerful, All Knowing Creator who was, is, and always will be in control of everything in my life. You write my story, and I get to live it.

But, in giving You that space, I should also provide for the knowledge that accepting You does not mean everything would be easy, and that everything will fall into place. I just have to realize and accept that I need You so that even when things go wrong, You are still in control.

That even when I do not know the why’s right now, I should not worry, because I know the Who – that I know You.

I pray that I would always be able to say that honestly.

New Beginnings

 

Sometimes, when you keep setting a target or a goal for yourself, you become blinded by everything else.

Goal setting is okay but goal obsessing is not. When we were informed of the post for Education Program Specialist for ALS, I got a little off tangent. I coveted that post since it would solve a lot of problems for me. And I am ashamed to admit that its foremost attraction was on the financial side.

That obsession made me forget a lot of things. For a few months I was driven. I was so suspicious of all the people around me who may apply for the post.I warned my co-workers that if I did not get that post, I will no longer do all the stuff I have been doing for ALS. I will only focus on my basic responsibilities as a Mobile Teacher, as outlined in our PAST (Performance Appraisal System for Teachers). I will no longer work on those reports except those I am required to do as a Mobile Teacher. I will only do what is specified in my job description. When I realized that my chances are slim to none, I felt depressed. I withdrew a bit inside myself. I felt really awful all the time. I felt guilty for my covetousness but I also felt more guilty for my suspicions and my conspiracy theories.  I played the blame-game with God, with myself, with my superiors, with my mother, with everything else in my life! I told God that His plan was not so good after all. I had not wanted to become a Mobile Teacher right from the start. I planned on becoming an English teacher in my Alma Mater. That was my plan. If I did not get promoted anywhere, I feel I would be happy if I grew old and mold inside my English classroom. At least, I would be doing something I love. But He led me into this work, this painful, raw reality of the other side of basic education.  Every year, He just gives me something to cry about, to be hurt about or to feel insecure about. This job is a lonely job for me. Looking for learners, watching ill-prepared learners take the test and fail, every year – it’s just too painful. Always, you are reminded that nothing is under your control. That once your learners leave your learning center, they are at the mercy of the Higher Power. There is no other option than prayer… for their protection, their success, their guidance, peace and maturity. I should have been a writer, a romance novelist. Then, I could have just stayed at home and churn one novel after another without meeting a lot of people who will only hurt me, betray my trust, talk behind my back, misinterpret my actions…. I was really becoming over-sensitive.

I wanted something too much. That should have been a warning to me then. I wanted something so badly I can almost taste the desire for it. Realizing that this was all out of my control freaked me out a lot.I mean, I should know right? I just keep forgetting.

But somehow, somewhere, a part of me has started to let go. It really is all out of my hands. I am not fit for the rat-race, as they call it. I am not a rat. It does not fit well with my skin.I know I will just fulfill my responsibilities as a Mobile Teacher as best as I can. I want to inspire my learners to be much better than who they were when they first entered our CLC (Community Learning Center). For now, that sounds a much worthy goal than obsessing over something that is out of my control.

God can see all my tomorrows. I can only see this moment. So, I will entrust all these things to Him, unburden my heart from all its fears and doubts and believe that His plans for me are all good.

Becoming that Person

 

 

      Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what you want me to be – and becoming that person.- St. Therese of Lisieux

 

 

 

 

From the start, I have always been a very complicated person who likes to complicate everything especially when it comes to emotions. What could have been simple becomes very complicated in my hands and in my mind.

Sometimes, I find dealing with myself quite hard. I even managed to think of this difficult person as someone separate from myself but is still a part of me. However, I want to believe that I am just a simple person. I like pretending I am one.

But then, when I think about the kind of God we have, I am bound to believe that as His creation, I am not simple at all. So, maybe I should stop pretending that I am one. He has designed and executed an intricate and complex plan for creation after all. 

However, if I try to add the needs and wants filling every nook and cranny of my very person, it would be too much, indeed. Although complex in its execution, intricate in its blue print, all our needs and wants can be met with something terribly simple. It’s too simple in fact that we often fail to grasp it in its simplicity.

As we live, every day, we ask ourselves, Who am I? What am I here for? And we come up with a lot of complex and complicated answers to these ones. We think in terms of the roles we play when we consider our responses to the first question. For the second question, we consider our first responses too.

My responses to the first question were:

1. I am a Mobile Teacher

2. I am a daughter

3. I am the eldest sister

Thus, I come up with these responses to the second question:

1. I am here to teach out-of-school children, youth and adults;

2. I am here to obey my mother and father and show them my love and affection (actually, I meant to write – to please my mother)

3. I am here to serve as a model for my younger siblings (in thought, word, and deed).

 

However, a time would usually come when my roles and purposes would overwhelm me, oppress me, and limit me too. And, at some point, I come at a stand still, because I would realize how transient these roles are, how ineffectual and how unimportant at times and how lonely I would become too.

But today, it came upon me that I have one identity and my purpose is connected with it too.

I am the daughter of a King. I am here to get to know my Father, to love my Father, and to love all His children as well. All other things would serve only to distract me form this one purpose.

Now, how does that connect with me and my life? Well, that is what this journey is all about.

Beloved 2013

 

At the end of 2013, I was confused and a little out of sort. I was often not thinking clearly. I was feeling down and discouraged. Walking with Jesus while holding hands with the devil is a difficult  experience, and a humiliating one.

So, I was not able to write a year-ender that would clearly show what 2013 was like. I needed to look back and realized that the answer was just there, staring at me. It’s like a veil has been lifted.

2013 is a beautiful year despite the pains and trials that my heart and soul went through. It was beautiful exactly because of those pains.

This 2013, I realized and really felt that I am a daughter of God. But realizing that I am His daughter does not make me perfect in an instant. There is still an ongoing struggle of dying everyday against my own desire to be, what the world would call, myself. That self was a creature of darkness who only considers her self at the center of every thought, decision and action.

This 2013, I also appreciated being a Roman Catholic. Our so called religion is so rich with tradition and rituals which are often misunderstood and persecuted even by Roman Catholics themselves. I always avoided calling myself a Roman Catholic because of the distrust I felt over these very same traditions and rituals. I don’t want to be like my grandmother who is so dogmatic in her faith nor do I want to be like those people who come to church and curse and yell and hate other people outside it. I did not go to church because I think of these same people as hypocrites, going to church and not living up to the tenets of Christianity. Now, I hear the mass and go to confession not because it is required or desirable for a Catholic to do so. I want to be a part of that community that worship Him and I long for my soul and my heart to be healed and touched by Him. Attending SFC Household meetings and conferences is no longer enough. I need Him too much to wait for SFC activities.. And about my fellow “hypocritical Catholics? I remember what our supervisor once told me when I explained why I do not go to Church “You do not hear the mass for them, but for Him.” It did not make sense before, but it does now. And so, the judgmental, prideful and sick daughter of the Lord goes to church…

This 2013, I felt and experienced His love. When people used to ask  me if I love God,  I did not answer. I really did not know. How can I love someone who does not care about me? Despite what they taught us, despite John 3:16, I just did not get it. John 3:16 will remain a verse until you experience what God’s love truly means. This 2013, I experienced more of His love. What felt as a short, swift caress before became an onslaught and outpouring this 2013. It’s not because He did not love me. It’s because I did not trust Him so I did not open up myself to Him. His persistent love is overwhelming in its intensity, strong and gentle, forgiving, merciful, kind and understanding but firm despite it all. Everyday, I have to be reminded of that love. It’s so easy to forget that I am His daughter, that He loves me so much when you encounter so much pain, and problems and difficulties everyday.  Honestly, there are days when I keenly feel His presence but there are days when He is just so absent in my life and during those days, I would feel so lonely and so alone despite the presence of people around me. I would ask, why can’t He just be here every moment and every day of my life? I know and understand during those times, I should trust Him. But knowing and feeling are not the same and sometimes, feelings would just overwhelm me and I would start fearing.

I feel that I should be a religious sister because I long for the perfection of the union of my soul with Him. I see no other way that this could be possible. I don’t know what to do with my life as it is. But I don’t have the courage to do what I feel I should do.

So, I wait. Wait for more this 2014. Wait for His will to unfold. Wait and trust in His ways.

 

The people in my life this 2013

My family                                                Graduate School folks

My ALS Family                                         My learners

My SFC Family

                                                  You are the Light of the World

                                                   by Simon Dewey

Outstanding in His Eyes

 

It has been a long, eventful and blessedly educational year with ALS (Alternative Learning System).

Even if there is no search, or even if there is no need to do so, I made a deal with myself to always prepare a portfolio. Earlier this year, I learned a lot about my deficiencies as a teacher while I worked on my portfolio and my PAST (Performance Appraisal System for ALS Mobile Teachers). When I honestly filled in the contents, I saw my weaknesses and strengths. I realized how weak I have been as a teacher and I saw where I should improve myself.

When I did not get chosen as Outstanding ALS Mobile Teacher, I was devastated and I managed to hurt others as well because of that feeling of inadequacy. I lashed out on a friend because I did not know how to deal with the feelings of loss. I have always defined my self by my career. I dedicated my whole life to it. When I did not receive the award, I felt betrayed… as if I was the one who was deserving after all. I gave my all, everything I am in this job. I always put my job above everything else. For the last three years, my job was above everything… I also felt as if I disappointed a lot of people by failing to live up to expectations.

It was a painful experience for me. I was filled with feelings of loss, betrayal, confusion, disappointment and guilt for having those feelings… it did not make sense. After all the things I did, this is the reward I get? I told myself I was not expecting anything, but deep inside, I wanted to be recognized for the sacrifices I made, for the sleepless nights I spent working on a lot of stuff for the betterment of the program.

However, 7 or more months after the fact, I feel utterly grateful for not making it. Deep inside is this gratitude surging within. That was the big learning curve of this year, the biggest. When I can no longer cling to my identity as a professional, I turned to being His daughter. There's no comfort in my work, there's no joy or reward in it. It does not make sense anymore.

But when I turned to Him, I realized why I had to experience that. In my desire to do everything for everyone, in my need to please everybody, I was forgetting the essence of the program. I forgot about my learners. I forgot about the people for whom the program was designed. I was not being a good teacher. Rather, I was becoming a trained planner who rushes out of the classroom when called.

From that failure and painful experience came a new perspective. If I did my best for my learners, if I was truly working for God and not for people, even if I do not get selected as outstanding mobile teacher, I would not be bothered. The praise and adulation of man is temporary but to do the will of God gives you eternal reward.

It took awhile. It took Him awhile to teach me that. Even if my 2012 portfolio claimed the message of Colossians 3:23, its embodiment was realized later.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people."  - Colossians 3:23

With this in mind and in my heart, I know I will never go wrong.

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.2)

 

 

My vocation is His purpose for creating me…

I really wanted to be able to say that I have discerned and accepted God’s purpose for my life. I started out as if I was on a quest of discovering my vocation! I was excited, and very eager to know God’s will for my life.

I have been in that particular mode for several weeks after the Regional Conference. I wanted to know! I had to know God’s will for me! And I tried finding out (as if I could do it on my own…)

After several weeks, I got tired of trying to find out. Now, I still do not have answers. I still do not know if it is His will for me to be single, get married or become a religious sister.  Not being able to know the answer has crushed my soul a little. I felt as if God was denying me something I really wanted to know! Or did I really?

I did find out several things about myself though. These discoveries has led to more confusion because I did not like what I learned. I have learned that I also wanted to get married and have a family of my own (and the really sad thing about it is I already have someone in mind, someone who will likely never notice me – this led to self-pity, resentment and binge-eating in order to cope with the depressing feelings). I also learned that I really did not want to stay single (and be a spinster, although this is what my family expects me to be and this just feels like the most likely outcome anyway) and since this is almost a given, I decided that I would rather be a religious sister than become a bitter spinster who hates everyone for being happy!

Those discoveries made me unhappy about myself. I once gave up on the idea of marriage for myself. I was content, or so I told myself. I even anticipated spinsterhood. I was determined to glory in it and enjoy the freedom and not be the stereotypical sad and unhappy old maid. I was going to become the cool aunt or at least, the nice and kindly although eccentric teacher.  However, when those convictions were challenged, when I was repeatedly told that God has other plans for us, I felt a surge of resentment and anger well up in me. I wanted to cry and tell them to not give me false hopes. It seems a big part of myself has already given up on the concept that someone other than God can love me for me…. And I did not want to be bothered anymore. I joined SFC because I knew I would be a Single for Christ – maybe forever and I even started inquiring about how to become a Handmaid of the Lord when I reach 40.

I really did not want to open myself to other possibilities!

Then came the frantic desire to be called, be chosen for something really special. I wanted God to show me signs that He wanted me for Himself. I long for Him to let me hear, know and really see that yes, I am called to become a religious sister because if I can only be sure, I would be brave and tell Nanay about it and even if it hurts her, I would follow God's calling. But, I did not ask God to do that because I was really afraid to know… I feel afraid to know what He plans for me…

Silly person that I am… wanting to know but not really wanting to know. I prayed for Him to reveal His will for me in a rather half-hearted manner… because I really am afraid to know about it and God knows it too.God knows I am unready to know His will for me and because He loves me, He is waiting for me to be ready for Him…

***

Wonderful and loving Father, thank You for being so patient with me. Forgive me for being impatient with You and for refusing to really know Your perfect will for my life. Father, grant me the desire to truly know what it is that You plan for me. Prepare my heart for Your plans and ready my life for Your wonders. Create in me the desire to know and the courage to follow You all the days of my life. Amen.

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.1)

Love is a verb that requires an object.

That is the one sure thing I have learned about love. Touchy subject.So, how do I live my life in love? Living in love is truly living out your vocation or living according to God’s purpose for you.

I became aware that the Christian vocation may be lived out in any of the three basic ways : the married state, the single state in the world, and the religious state.

I used to think that when you say vocation, you really mean becoming a nun. That to go on a vocational discernment retreat (or something) is to emerge as a nun. But its not like that at all. A vocation is God’s calling for us to carry out a particular role he has designated for us in his plan. And God’s plan is none other than to bring all people in union with Him. (from a booklet by the Daughters of St. Paul)

I am at that point in life where I am seriously thinking about my vocation, something I have not done before.Until that fateful (and a little reluctant, yes, sadly, when it comes to God, I have been a reluctant disciple…) and eventful individual consultation with one of the nuns from the Daughters of St. Paul. (That was during the Singles for Christ’s Western Visayas Regional Conference last September 27-29, 2013 at Ateneo de Iloilo). She told me that the age limit for entering as an aspirant with the Daughters of St. Paul was 28 years old. I have reached that limit. 

If I don’t do something, a door will close for me, a door I am fondly considering. I like what the Daughters of St. Paul is doing. The Daughters of St. Paul is an international religious congregation of women who are called and consecrated to proclaim Jesus Christ and make His WORD alive to the world by witnessing to a life lived through prayer, study, community life and through the apostolate of social communications.

The nun I talked to (I forgot to ask her name!), said I could come and visit them anytime in their place in Iloilo. I could visit their Chapel just to pray and talk to them. The problem with this girl she was talking to is that if it involves taking the initiative, you will just have to wait forever. I never take the first step. I like being dragged around because if things go wrong, I could always blame the one who dragged me around! If Peter was the disciple who denied Jesus, and Judas betrayed Jesus, and Paul persecuted Jesus, and Jonah tried to run away from God, I guess my claim to fame (well, in my own mind) is that I am the reluctant believer! I want to, yes, but I am a coward!You need to force me to do something I actually wanted to do in the first place (but, tell me not to do something and I will set my mind on doing just that!). Besides, I like being sure and certain of things. (And I was told how erroneous this need is, fueled probably by a lack of faith in the One who holds my forever).

So now, I am seriously pondering where God is calling me, where He is leading me. I can recall several  things from the consultation and from the RECON itself.

1. I don’t have much time left until one of the three options is taken away from me forever.

2. I need to pray for the grace of  courage to do what God has called me to do.

3. I should learn to trust God with my future and not secure my future by myself (she told me that. I have the tendency to “ensure” my future and refuse to listen to His loving urgings).

4. Not all are called to serve Him in this way.  It’s a special call.

5. I need to be open to wherever He leads me. I should be open to all three vocations: the married state, single blessedness, and the religious life, while discerning and praying for my vocation, for His call for me. (I guess I clued her into the fact that I want single blessedness over the other two because holy matrimony and the religious life wreaks a lot of havoc in my heart ( I am afraid of both).

6. I need to pray, to listen to Him attentively so that indeed, I would be responding to His will, not mine, not my mother’s, not other peoples’ but His alone (freaking out here, how do I do that?)

I don’t know where this will lead me. I am not even sure if I want to know or if I am ready to know the answer. I don’t know where I will get the courage to tell my mother that, if I am called to the religious life, to be a bride of Christ, that I would be doing what she has called  “my foolishness”. (I used to joke about becoming a nun, just to tease them, just as I joke about getting married when I get irked with them a bit for disregarding me).

During the Provincial Conference last year, I felt that aching call which I set aside because I cannot face it at that time. I was unwilling, a lot unwilling and I told myself that maybe, my vocation was to become a blessing to everyone by staying single, because I could reach more people in the “normal state”.

Then, in this year’s RECON, why is there a discontent? A persistence for something else. Why is there a restlessness, a dissatisfaction in my soul? Why is there a call for more? I am already doing mission work just by being a teacher to my out of school youth and adult learners! I am already so blessed in my present state really. This should be enough. I am happy with my journey but why is it that there seems to be more, that there is something much deeper, richer and fuller somewhere out there?

I don’t want to regret not doing this. I am unsure where to start, but I am sure He will teach me, lead me, and make His will known to me.

I am His Beloved

 

 

Love is something I would have never touched with a two foot pole. Love is something I used to reserve to describe an emotion I would rather read about than experience. Love is something I always thought would eventually just lead to tears and disappointments.

I am familiar with hard work and dedication. I am very intimately connected with words like “obligation” and “responsibility” and “sacrifice”.

But I can’t seem to connect love and myself in one sentence….

I am currently reading “The Story of a Soul” by St. Therese of Lisieux and I feel a little resentful because God did not give me parents like He gave Therese Martin. The “Little Queen” (as her father called her) had a childhood filled with so much love – from her parents and her sisters and from her God. At such a young age, she was already drawn to the divine.

She has so much love to draw from.

I grew up in a household where love is not demonstrated. So, I grew up cold and callous and uncaring, not because I chose to be cold and uncaring but because I did not know how to be anything else. There was just nothing inside my heart. I used to feel nothing at all. I was seldom moved by compassion, seldom moved to tears, seldom touched by scenes that would have made others cry. I felt neither pain nor comfort, neither joy nor sorrow. Everything was gray. I only feel the things that hurt my pride. I was simply existing, moving on from one chapter of my life and stoically smiling over tragedies and triumphs, while inside, there was just this empty hole.

I was incapable of love because I never felt love.

St. Therese said “… I understood that if all the lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would lose its springtide beauty, and the fields would no longer be enamelled with lovely hues.” Why can’t I have had parents like St. Therese’s mother and father so that I would have grown up into a loving woman like St. Therese… so that I could have had known and loved God with all of me ever since I was a child?

But then, who am I to question His plan for my life? He gave me my Nanay and Tatay because He had His reasons. My parents are good parents.They are responsible parents and they loved me in ways I had not seen because I was expecting them to love me in a certain way. And now, I can honestly say that I love them… just as I love my brothers and sisters. No, not out of familial obligation and responsibility but out of something inside me that has been growing and breaking free since I felt how much He loves me.

Love is now a wonderful feeling. Love is now this strange and beautiful thing I hold out in the open when I am alone. It is something that I ponder and wonder at in the silence of my solitude. Love is so amazing. Love is everything and if not for my experiences, if not for the lack of love in my life before, if not for that void in my heart, I would not have this kind of appreciation, and sense of wonder before It.

Love is God. God is Love. God is amazing. Love is amazing. God is wonderful. Love is wonderful. Love is all I need. God is all I need… because I am His beloved and He is mine… And I love Him with all that I am….

See how He works? Glory and praise to the King alone.