This is His Vineyard

 

Five years ago, God decided to place me in this field. It’s a really hungry field, a field full of weeds and little seeds. Nothing grows in this field, not much, really.The land is fallow, there’s not much water and no one’s really invested in this graveyard of lost hopes and empty promises.

When He asked me to farm this area, I agreed because I had no choice. Honestly, I did not want to become a Mobile Teacher. While I was forced to do a short stint as an Instructional Manager and Literacy Facilitator in ALS, I was the unhappiest little teacher in this corner of the world.

And then, out of the blue, God decided that I should do this work full time. Wow. I mean, I was too special and full of too much potential to be JUST a MERE Mobile Teacher. Why me, Lord? Why me?

When He sent me to a lot of seminars and trainings and when I made contact with the higher ups, I thought ALS was just a mere stepping stone for bigger things. Little did I know the bigger things He wanted me to have had nothing to do with the things I wanted for myself. I wanted a promotion, fame, fortune, position, power..

God had an entirely different music for me.And when I heard the song He was playing, I refused to dance to that crappy music anymore. I wanted to escape the painful path He wanted me to take. I wanted to turn back from this dreary road…

The disappointments still hurt. I can still associate pain with my job. There are days when I still feel like hiding under the covers on my bed and not getting up anymore. I still struggle a lot with my feelings of failure and I still cling to the principles I firmly believe in even when everyone is telling me I am out of place… but, all I know right know is this is God’s path for me… as surely as He has allowed me to wake up this day, I know this is exactly where He wanted me to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, even while everyday, my heart is hurting and hurting… because I know the pain will end and I know He has a better plan and I surrender to His plans… I will let Him lead me wherever He wanted me to be and I will let Him bring me to places where He wanted me to go even as I continually pray that He will put my career, my work life to good order.

These are some of the people I meet everyday. I just pray that He will continue to enable me to have the heart to fully commit to helping them in any way I can. I pray that He will provide us with the resources that we need. I pray that He will bless me with the wisdom to lead them, the heart to love them, and the passion to serve them..all because of Him and for Him.

Still Seeking, Sometimes Praying, Always Hoping

 

I am not more enlightened than  I was months ago. I guess, I just feel more grounded, less afraid, more hopeful, more open, less excited, but still eager.

I can still feel my emotions strongly but I am now more willing to examine them very carefully inside my own heart, hoping and sometimes praying that it won’t explode and hurt innocent bystanders. I am in that in-between space again, still waiting, hoping, and sometimes praying.

A lot has happened in the past few months. A lot has also changed. Some of the changes were positive to everybody but to a broken soul like me, sometimes, these changes are not as welcome as I thought they would be. I had to adjust to new roles, new expectations and disappointments…

I had to make a place within me for the total acceptance that You are the Sovereign God, the All Powerful, All Knowing Creator who was, is, and always will be in control of everything in my life. You write my story, and I get to live it.

But, in giving You that space, I should also provide for the knowledge that accepting You does not mean everything would be easy, and that everything will fall into place. I just have to realize and accept that I need You so that even when things go wrong, You are still in control.

That even when I do not know the why’s right now, I should not worry, because I know the Who – that I know You.

I pray that I would always be able to say that honestly.

Little Mercies, Little Blessings

 

 

Dear Heart,

You were so torn and broken yesterday, weren’t you? You were so worried, and so afraid, you were fretting out. You were coveting something so much that you have forgotten about the essential things in your journey.

Aren’t you thankful that God made you see something yesterday? Aren’t you grateful for seeing how precious teaching is? Yes, that promotion will give you a good salary. It will give you the respect and approval that you crave so much. It will show all those people who rejected you before that you can climb up the ladder of success while you are young. Aren’t you thankful for that friend and colleague who reminded you that there is more to this life than just this?

There is nothing wrong with wanting success but earlier, God told you something so clearly that He made sure to leave it on a pink folder inside the adoration chapel. I am sure you were so weary that you came in there, as if being pulled by unseen strings, simply to cool off the heat of the sun. Who won’t when you bore out the heat of the noonday sun after  you got perplexed and confused with the gamut of emotions running around your little corners during your conference with other ALS implementers.

On that neat little pink folder, the reflection asks you to think back on why you want success. Yes, bare yourself, little heart. He already knows why. Now come up, own up to it, and admit it right now and see what it really is for. Isn’t that a desire to be loved and appreciated for everything you have done? Isn’t that a desire for approval? Teaching won’t give you that because as long as you teach, you will be obliged to make others- your learners for example- to feel more important than yourself. You can’t stand doing that for the next ten or fifteen years of your life? Yes, you can. And you might as well learn not just to live with it but to love it. Because God’s approval in everything you do is more important than the adulations of anyone else. You only need to know and feel this one important thing – God approves of you, that’s why he created you.God loves you so much, that’s why you are still here. God has a plan for you.

You know one thing I have learned, dear Heart, one thing I think you should really learn to believe in. We make plans yes, but ultimately, God’s plan for us is better than we ever imagined our future to be.

You don’t need rewards and awards and the recognition of your superiors. Honest hard work is it’s own reward.

Lovingly reminding you,

Heaven