This is His Vineyard

 

Five years ago, God decided to place me in this field. It’s a really hungry field, a field full of weeds and little seeds. Nothing grows in this field, not much, really.The land is fallow, there’s not much water and no one’s really invested in this graveyard of lost hopes and empty promises.

When He asked me to farm this area, I agreed because I had no choice. Honestly, I did not want to become a Mobile Teacher. While I was forced to do a short stint as an Instructional Manager and Literacy Facilitator in ALS, I was the unhappiest little teacher in this corner of the world.

And then, out of the blue, God decided that I should do this work full time. Wow. I mean, I was too special and full of too much potential to be JUST a MERE Mobile Teacher. Why me, Lord? Why me?

When He sent me to a lot of seminars and trainings and when I made contact with the higher ups, I thought ALS was just a mere stepping stone for bigger things. Little did I know the bigger things He wanted me to have had nothing to do with the things I wanted for myself. I wanted a promotion, fame, fortune, position, power..

God had an entirely different music for me.And when I heard the song He was playing, I refused to dance to that crappy music anymore. I wanted to escape the painful path He wanted me to take. I wanted to turn back from this dreary road…

The disappointments still hurt. I can still associate pain with my job. There are days when I still feel like hiding under the covers on my bed and not getting up anymore. I still struggle a lot with my feelings of failure and I still cling to the principles I firmly believe in even when everyone is telling me I am out of place… but, all I know right know is this is God’s path for me… as surely as He has allowed me to wake up this day, I know this is exactly where He wanted me to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, even while everyday, my heart is hurting and hurting… because I know the pain will end and I know He has a better plan and I surrender to His plans… I will let Him lead me wherever He wanted me to be and I will let Him bring me to places where He wanted me to go even as I continually pray that He will put my career, my work life to good order.

These are some of the people I meet everyday. I just pray that He will continue to enable me to have the heart to fully commit to helping them in any way I can. I pray that He will provide us with the resources that we need. I pray that He will bless me with the wisdom to lead them, the heart to love them, and the passion to serve them..all because of Him and for Him.

New Beginnings

 

Sometimes, when you keep setting a target or a goal for yourself, you become blinded by everything else.

Goal setting is okay but goal obsessing is not. When we were informed of the post for Education Program Specialist for ALS, I got a little off tangent. I coveted that post since it would solve a lot of problems for me. And I am ashamed to admit that its foremost attraction was on the financial side.

That obsession made me forget a lot of things. For a few months I was driven. I was so suspicious of all the people around me who may apply for the post.I warned my co-workers that if I did not get that post, I will no longer do all the stuff I have been doing for ALS. I will only focus on my basic responsibilities as a Mobile Teacher, as outlined in our PAST (Performance Appraisal System for Teachers). I will no longer work on those reports except those I am required to do as a Mobile Teacher. I will only do what is specified in my job description. When I realized that my chances are slim to none, I felt depressed. I withdrew a bit inside myself. I felt really awful all the time. I felt guilty for my covetousness but I also felt more guilty for my suspicions and my conspiracy theories.  I played the blame-game with God, with myself, with my superiors, with my mother, with everything else in my life! I told God that His plan was not so good after all. I had not wanted to become a Mobile Teacher right from the start. I planned on becoming an English teacher in my Alma Mater. That was my plan. If I did not get promoted anywhere, I feel I would be happy if I grew old and mold inside my English classroom. At least, I would be doing something I love. But He led me into this work, this painful, raw reality of the other side of basic education.  Every year, He just gives me something to cry about, to be hurt about or to feel insecure about. This job is a lonely job for me. Looking for learners, watching ill-prepared learners take the test and fail, every year – it’s just too painful. Always, you are reminded that nothing is under your control. That once your learners leave your learning center, they are at the mercy of the Higher Power. There is no other option than prayer… for their protection, their success, their guidance, peace and maturity. I should have been a writer, a romance novelist. Then, I could have just stayed at home and churn one novel after another without meeting a lot of people who will only hurt me, betray my trust, talk behind my back, misinterpret my actions…. I was really becoming over-sensitive.

I wanted something too much. That should have been a warning to me then. I wanted something so badly I can almost taste the desire for it. Realizing that this was all out of my control freaked me out a lot.I mean, I should know right? I just keep forgetting.

But somehow, somewhere, a part of me has started to let go. It really is all out of my hands. I am not fit for the rat-race, as they call it. I am not a rat. It does not fit well with my skin.I know I will just fulfill my responsibilities as a Mobile Teacher as best as I can. I want to inspire my learners to be much better than who they were when they first entered our CLC (Community Learning Center). For now, that sounds a much worthy goal than obsessing over something that is out of my control.

God can see all my tomorrows. I can only see this moment. So, I will entrust all these things to Him, unburden my heart from all its fears and doubts and believe that His plans for me are all good.

Little Mercies, Little Blessings

 

 

Dear Heart,

You were so torn and broken yesterday, weren’t you? You were so worried, and so afraid, you were fretting out. You were coveting something so much that you have forgotten about the essential things in your journey.

Aren’t you thankful that God made you see something yesterday? Aren’t you grateful for seeing how precious teaching is? Yes, that promotion will give you a good salary. It will give you the respect and approval that you crave so much. It will show all those people who rejected you before that you can climb up the ladder of success while you are young. Aren’t you thankful for that friend and colleague who reminded you that there is more to this life than just this?

There is nothing wrong with wanting success but earlier, God told you something so clearly that He made sure to leave it on a pink folder inside the adoration chapel. I am sure you were so weary that you came in there, as if being pulled by unseen strings, simply to cool off the heat of the sun. Who won’t when you bore out the heat of the noonday sun after  you got perplexed and confused with the gamut of emotions running around your little corners during your conference with other ALS implementers.

On that neat little pink folder, the reflection asks you to think back on why you want success. Yes, bare yourself, little heart. He already knows why. Now come up, own up to it, and admit it right now and see what it really is for. Isn’t that a desire to be loved and appreciated for everything you have done? Isn’t that a desire for approval? Teaching won’t give you that because as long as you teach, you will be obliged to make others- your learners for example- to feel more important than yourself. You can’t stand doing that for the next ten or fifteen years of your life? Yes, you can. And you might as well learn not just to live with it but to love it. Because God’s approval in everything you do is more important than the adulations of anyone else. You only need to know and feel this one important thing – God approves of you, that’s why he created you.God loves you so much, that’s why you are still here. God has a plan for you.

You know one thing I have learned, dear Heart, one thing I think you should really learn to believe in. We make plans yes, but ultimately, God’s plan for us is better than we ever imagined our future to be.

You don’t need rewards and awards and the recognition of your superiors. Honest hard work is it’s own reward.

Lovingly reminding you,

Heaven

The Best Lesson I Learned in Graduate School

 

I go to Graduate School at West Visayas State University. I took up Master of Arts in Education (Language Teaching in English) last 2009 at the WVSU College of Education Graduate School.

I was a Secondary School English teacher then in a national high school in our place. I was feeling as if my brain was literally decaying so I felt the need to go to Graduate School.

Unfortunately, when I transferred in the Alternative Learning System (ALS), everything changed. I had classes on Saturdays and Sundays. My new job description does not connect with my courses in Grad School. I quit two years ago and never looked back until my mother pointed out that I was messing up with my records.I really was. I have several INC. because of unfinished courses. And I had to retake not less than three courses this year.

It’s my last Academic Year and I have a full load this semester, including one tutorial course. My work is still not connected with my courses.I did not like going back to Graduate School.  Every Saturday, I just force myself to attend my 7:30 – 1:30 classes and my tutorial sessions after that…. Until last Saturday that is.

Last Saturday, our recently widowed Phonology teacher put her foot down. I know I was taking her course for granted (although last semester, I learned a lot from her because she asked a lot from us). I can’t help it. Some things take priority over work I don’t much care about. And I can feel she sensed that. She has been feeling me up for a few weeks, really noticing my absences and tardiness from her 7:30 Am class.

I came in about two hours late for her class, unprepared for the Midterm exams and literally exhausted even as I conversed with God who, I know, was not listening to my excuses. (Well, when you keep blaming Him for being late, what will you get?)

My teacher refused to give me the exam. Instead, she asked me to return next week to get the exam and write a letter explaining why I was late.

I know, at our age, as mature adults who are already working, she should not be asking that. But, I am glad Dr. Dela Llana put her foot down last Saturday. I felt embarrassed over what happened, but as a fellow teacher, I understand her predicament. What right have I to ask just as much from my own learners when I cannot give the same kind of respect to my own teachers?

I know she wanted what was best for me. I know by doing so, she is also risking a lot – she maybe labeled as very strict, as inconsiderate. But what she did was actually kind. I don’t blame her. She gave my a much needed wake up call.

She can forgive me yes, but I have to suffer the consequences of certain actions.

You cannot succeed by making excuses for yourself. You maybe forgiven for your sins, mistakes and errors but you will always have to face the consequences of your actions, especially if a lot of other people are involved. 

One Step at a Time

 

My first year as an ALS Mobile Teacher was one year filled with so much turmoil. It was explosive because I felt like I was a baby that was thrust into the outside world for the first time.

I was emotionally volatile and vulnerable in 2010. I was feeling strongly rejected because I was not hired by my Alma Mater when my lifetime’s true dream was to become an English teacher at Passi National High School where I will teach literature, creative writing, journalism, debate and impromptu speech  (at my spare time) and open the minds of my learners to all possibilities available to them – just like what my favorite English teacher and mentor has done for me.

But it was not meant to be. God has other plans for me.

I remember lying on the floor, crying, my heart so broken , when I made the decision to leave PNHS. It was not an easy decision. It was me turning away and closing the door completely from my dream of becoming a weird English teacher-spinster.

I was already teaching as an Instructional Manager with ALS every Saturdays and Sundays back then and I knew what I was getting into when I accepted the job. It was necessity that made me do it. I needed a permanent job that pays well. This is one job that would do it. My heart was not completely involved but my head was and I was aware that I was making a commitment to being a Mobile Teacher.

Last January 4 marked my fourth year in ALS and I feel utterly blessed that I followed and obeyed and worked where I was called. Being a Mobile Teacher is no longer just the job I saw it to be. It has become a mission for me.

It was in ALS that I have grown not only as a professional but as a person. I was forced out of my self-focused shell. I was asked to get out and get involved with my learners, with the community, even with the people who run the community so that they would support the program.

In ALS, we are a family. With our supervisor (whose words I will never forget when I first went on a seminar to Baguio City with him – he told me to think of him as a father), my fellow Mobile Teachers who have become like siblings for me, my District ALS Coordinator who is much like a mother-figure.

With ALS, I was also forced to rely heavily on God. ALS placed me in a position where I realized that myself alone is not enough. It has shown me the empty pockets of my soul that requires one currency – the presence of God in my life and in my reality. We could say God forced me to come to Him because of ALS. The sense of security I was feeling at home and at work as a classroom teacher made me so self-sufficient and proud that I was able to ignore the emptiness and restlessness I was feeling.

Looking back, I have grown astounded at the progress my head and my heart has gone through. Because of ALS, I have become stronger and better as a person and I continue to grow everyday.

On our first Educational Tour in 2010, the report I prepared and the video I made was inspired by the then famous pop song, One Step at a Time. With ALS, everything comes in one step at a time. Just like the growth of the soul, you can’t force it. You just have to live it.

Thank you Lord, for giving me a career that has helped me to grow as a person. Thank you for making me work in a place where I was forced to make connections so that my heart could expand and my soul extend (I just wish it would shrink my girth too).Indeed, You know what is best for me. Amen.

 

Unseen Footprints, Unseen Truths

If you are a seeker and you long to encounter the Divine, I have a book for you. Unseen Footprints: Encountering the Divine along the Journey of Life by Sheridan Voysey

It has revealed a lot of exciting truths that I have never considered in the past. After reading it, I came to the realization that I am not yet fully aware of God and His moving in my life. I get consumed and distracted by earthly stuff like pride, anger, covetousness, jealousies, food, sloth and many others.

I have never fully connected the Creator with His creation thus making me know too little of the greatness, creativity, wonder, and variety that is God. I never fully pondered the various moods of the skies - how fast the sunny weather can sometimes turn gloomy and how powerful typhoons like Yolanda are. I never took time to carefully look at the way the flowers were formed, or how different shades green has for trees. I never once realized how different the animals are from each other and how different man is from one another.

God is greater than I ever pondered Him to be. His creations testify to that. This is one of the reasons why I praise and glorify God and I never completely grasped it.

Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leave you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing, and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it? I did it just for you." 

                                                                                       - Max Lucado

A Sonnet for my One True Love

 

Back in college, there was one Shakespearean sonnet I adored simply because it initially described my idea of what marriage or love should be.

Sonnet 116

by William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove,

Oh no, it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempest and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth’s unknown. although his height be taken.

Love’s not Times fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickles compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom,.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ nor no man ever loved.

 

Well, to put it bluntly, this is the sonnet that disappointed me. I never found that kind of love. Around me, marriages were breaking apart, couples were splitting up after passionate weeks or months of being together. What once was so loved became so hated. I never trusted love after personally seeing what it can do to a twenty-year old marriage.

I would smile at heartbreaking break ups and splits and nod my head sagely saying Shakespeare was oh so wrong. I never experienced a break up myself but I considered myself lucky I was spared the trouble. I was one of the joyless club, I thought, but then I think I’d prefer to think I was part of the better-safe-than-sorry group. So I threw away that silly sonnet I carefully wrote on a piece of Cattleya note and lovingly taped on my college clipboard. Shakespeare was a fraud and love is just that, an urban myth.

And then, Love found me. My True Love found me in my most hidden corner, sulking bitterly over the silliness of life. And I learned, it’s not that Shakespeare was wrong.Its just that I have been looking for love in the wrong places. I have been searching and expecting it from other people who never really knew what Love is. I have been scouring every piece of romance novel I could find for my happily ever after and was more surprised I never found it there. True love cannot be found in a mere piece of paper or corruptible flesh. Love is this: that He gave His son, His only begotten Son, for us.

That’s love. That is my One True Love.

P.S. And yes, He proved Shakespeare right, every bit of what is written in Sonnet 116 is true.