Inside Out: The Truth about Me

 

I would not call this a movie review of Pixar’s movie, Inside Out. I watched it last night and ended up crying in inappropriate moments. Yeah, I just had to use my earphones to block out the rest of the world and surreptitiously check to make sure no one is around to question my tears.

I guess I felt these emotions strongly because I came to certain realizations. But let’s talk about the movie first before I tell you why I cried buckets of tears “in the middle of a colored cartoon”…

The movie shows a fascinating portrayal of what went on inside Riley’s head and how the gamut of really simple emotions inside headquarters created a mess that led to that point where I found myself crying a bucket.

It started with Joy, pleasant, slim, pretty and always perky Joy who, in a really selfish manner, refused to allow her fellow “emotion”, Sadness, to touch the memories because she feared that Sadness will make Riley, well, sad… Sadness is my favorite “emotion” right from the start.

While I was walking around the cinema lanes at Robinson’s Place (or was it SM City, I forgot), two months ago, I found myself drawn to the screen showing a trailer of Inside Out. I thought I was a lot like Sadness, physically and well, emotionally… Sadness was just sad… the weak voice of reason when compared to Joy’s bubbly effervescent personality.

But, there were also other emotions. There was Fear, purple-colored Fear who kept Riley safe. There was Anger who made sure that Riley always got what she wanted. And there was Disgust, slimy colored Disgust who prevented Riley from being poisoned, physically and socially.

When Joy and Sadness were sucked out of headquarters (and I blame Joy’s one-track mind for it), everything went haywire. Well, imagine what would happen when the only emotions you can feel are Fear, Anger and Disgust… and all this during one major event in your life?

What Riley knew about life and herself were suddenly destroyed. I know how that felt. Riley suddenly found herself arguing with her Father (Anger’s fault), and stealing money from her mother to pay for a bus ticket to go back to their old place. The three emotions left at headquarters panicked when they could no longer make Riley feel anything.

And it can happen. When everything in your world has been turned up side down and inside out and truth turned to lies and what was once reliable has let you down, you start feeling numb.It happened to me and  I too, lost touch of all emotion. I was unable to feel anything. Nothing could reach me. I guess I survived because I numbed my heart… if not for that, I probably would have done something drastic when all that was left that could deal with the pain was anger.

I was angry for a long, long time and I could not let go of that anger because it would hurt me if I do. Years after my parents break-up, I still continued to hide my emotions. The night everything went haywire, I almost committed suicide. Joy left me. I refused to entertain Sadness because I did not want to appear weak. I probably could not handle her and no one was around to help me handle her. I was alone. All I had were fear, disgust, anger.And the consoles just would not respond properly.

I don’t know where I am now at my journey. I think I am still an emotional mess but because I joined the CFC-SFC, I started feeling Joy and Sadness along with Hope, Faith, and Love.Anger, Disgust and Fear are still there but they are starting to get themselves in their proper perspectives (and yes, we have a weekend retreat about them too in The Christian and His Emotions).

I guess I cried because I know how Riley felt or did not feel while she was riding that bus. And the whole movie just made me realize how I managed to avoid confronting my feelings and how unhealthy it is to do so.

I am really clueless when it comes to emotions. I don’t know how to react. I have a flight or fight response and in most instances, the “flight” response often wins. I have a lot of escape plans and because of them, I have developed unhealthy habits and certain addictions.

I know at my age, I ought to be a little mature about it but honestly, I am still figuring out where all the pieces fit. I am quite hopeful since I have the best Tutor for it.

I can cry all I want with Him. I can be myself with Him. I can be angry, happy, and cranky with Him and He will always know how to handle me in my emotional mess so that eventually, faith, hope and love will win in the end.

All photos in this entry are not mine.

Live Fully, Love Fully, Live Love Fully

 

I have not posted for quite a while now. I have been going through some experience I did not feel comfortable sharing. I don’t feel ready to share them but I feel compelled to at least, lay them out and see for myself what they mean.

I was quite aghast when I heard one of my mother’s biggest argument against SFC. “Nagaparis-paris kamu” (You’re pairing up with each other). I vehemently denied this one because I was completely unaware of what Nanay meant. Although I often hear a lot about finding GG’s (or God’s Gift, your supposed partner in life) during Talks, I did not pay them any mind at all. I was probably unready for it. I was busy searching my heart, knowing myself and the God who loves me to even think about such stuff. Plus, I am really very much aware how difficult it would be for my future suitor to court me… he will have to battle my mother (she’s determined that I will be her partner for life), my entire family (they are very sure that I will never marry and I am wondering why they think so) and me too (since I am an insecure coward, an obedient daughter and a doting older sister).

That was, until the SFC Intimacy Weekend which I felt I was not ready to attend. Although I was determined to go, I lacked the enthusiasm I usually felt about going on SFC Teachings as I often did before. I felt reluctant because of the distance. We had our Intimacy Weekend at Concepcion. It takes four hours of bus ride before reaching the town. I decided to miss my MAEd class, ditch my sister from a shopping trip she so wanted and ate so much because I was confused whether I wanted to go or not. What was in it for me? In the CFC-Singles for Christ track I read somewhere online two years ago, I remember reading that the Intimacy Weekend was for engaged couples. It’s not for lost, lonely spinsters like me (yeah, my boss just called me an old maid last week and I probably am at that).

In our chapter, I was the only uncoupled participant. I was with Sis Jejan and her then fiancee (now husband) Bro Romer and Sis Remz and her husband Bro Randy. I told myself my partner was Jesus and all the way to Concepcion, while travelling alone at such a distance (aside from my Baguio Bus ride, I have never travelled alone that far), I felt God was with me… I just love travelling alone, I guess especially knowing I was going to a place where I will be meeting people I have something in common with – Jesus.

The talks were heavy, a little embarrassing and quite sensitive. I realized the purpose behind SFC itself. Couples for Christ conceptualized its family ministries to protect the family and they have to start early. They have to start with individuals, single men and women who will eventually become CFCs in the future. Future husbands and wives in Christ, fully grown and mature in their faith and ready to live up to the vocation of marriage.

It was here I realized how beautiful marriage is. Confronted with loving Christian couples (especially the ones I was with), I felt drawn, more accepting, and a whole lot more understanding about people who chose the vocation of marriage. This is love. My twisted concept of marriage being a noose and a bother was shattered. Scoffing over the very human need to have someone with whom you can bare yourself completely, someone who can carry the struggle when you can’t be strong anymore, someone who can be there for you and tell you how wonderful, beautiful and amazing you are, someone who equally needs you, your understanding, love and affection, your comfort and your very presence… that was just amazing in itself.

Back then, I told myself I welcome all vocations. Whether God has willed me for single blessedness and the religious life or married life – I am okay with it. But, I was really partial to single blessedness and desiring the religious life (I felt I need it more than God needed me to be a religious sister or a cloistered nun). The reason why I cannot seem to move forward with my discernment is that I haven’t explored married life at all. My own experience shattered the concept of romance. I did not trust human love at all. I do not know how to trust another person in such a manner that I would completely entrust my heart that way. I know I can trust God, trust His plans and His purpose (but despite that, He will still hurt me or disappoint me because it is necessary for His purpose) but not another person.

The Intimacy Weekend was one teaching I was not ready for. However, it accomplished one thing. It made me open my heart to that other vocation I sincerely refused to consider because I preferred the “alone with God” options. It challenged my concept of my own vocation and it led me to the beautiful conclusion that all vocations are meant to glorify God.

Life as You Planned It

 

I am a planner by nature. I like making to do list. I also like making daily “want” list. I have plans for one year, plans for the next five years, plans for the next ten years and hopeful aspirations for the remaining years of my life.

I have plans for myself, plans for my family, plans for work, plans for everything. I told you I like plans.

When my supervisor tells me to do work plans and action plans, my soul is thrilled. I can’t wait to challenge my imagination regarding how I want the future to be.

The problem with planning (and yes, there is a problem with planning especially at the end of the planned period) is that plans rarely materialize. Some of what you planned will happen but often, they happen in ways you least planned them to be. Some of what you planned never happens. And when you care, you get hurt and disappointed – a lot.

Lesson/Session plans are also the same story. Sometimes your plans are realized. Sometimes, they are not. Like right now, while waiting for my learners to arrive, I can’t help but feel disappointed because they actually failed to come. Only one learner came and we cannot do the lesson I have planned… not alone. So, I need to do something else for her… which is not in my plan at all.

Life never goes according to our plans. They seldom do. However, planning is still a good thing. It makes you understand what you want for the future and how you want it to be. I just have to learn not to get too immersed in planning because I just might be missing the point of living.

So, what’s on my plan today?

1. To live life to its fullest today.

2. To feel and really feel but not be overwhelmed or controlled by emotions.

3. To enjoy the moment!

4. To live this world a better and brighter place than it was before I came into it today.

5. To bask in God’s love every moment.

Dear Heart 1: A Post-Valentine Reflection

 

I was astounded by one of Macrina Weiderkehr’s reflections on John 14:1-14.

Let me lift her lines on this:

“A troubled, anxious heart is like a little person. It has its own personality and we do need to learn how to be with it. Here are some ways of being present to your troubled heart.

1. Take if for a walk in the early morning hours when few people are around.

2. Sit with it for long hours gazing into the waters of the lake.

3. Take it to a window at night. Turn out the light; open the curtains and gaze at the stars.

4. Light a candle. Sit down and empty your dear head of thoughts to the extent possible. Become one with your breathing. Let your breath become your prayer.

5. Write a poem for it! Sing it a song!

6. Take it for dancing lessons!

7. Listen to a beautiful piece of music with it!

8. Introduce it to the wide-open spaces of a meadow and fresh air.

9. Have tea with it and maybe even invite a friend.

10. Take it to church for holy hour.

                                            - from Abide, Keeping Vigil with the Word of God

I want to follow what she said but since I am too scattered to write a poem for it, let me write a letter then, an open letter to my heart.

Dear Heart,

In the 28 years that you beat on my chest, I never really thought of you as a part of me. Your presence in the cavity on my chest embarrassed me. We used to be friends when I was younger. I used to wear you on my sleeves. I used to openly share you with others. We used to laugh out loud. We used to have friends. We used to sing, and talk long hours with someone else’s heart. We used to play and run freely in the meadows. We cried when my grandfather died. When you stopped crying and I saw others crying inside that church, we would start again.

You used to beat so fast when I see guys I admire from afar. When I first wrote a love letter and handed it to that crush who crushed you in return, you retreated a little. But you would come out to play with your best friends and we found other guys to admire. We just made sure never to let others know.

Then, do you remember the one time we were about to leave school and someone teased me that I am so OA. I felt OA was bad and thus, you were bad. I stopped talking and listening to you, didn’t I? It’s easier to temper my reactions when I can no longer feel you.

Now, you have completely hidden yourself from me. Even at those points I allowed myself to feel emotions, I do not trust what you allowed me to feel. And sometimes, I cannot even identify what I feel.

I am sorry for hiding you, for locking you up for so long. I know it made my life easier. No one made fun of me again. No one hurt me. No, I did not care enough to be hurt. I had no feelings. 

Now, you have become a stranger to me. Who are you? What are you? At times, you scare me now. The way you beat, the way you want things I think you should not want. The way you just seem to take over me. Take my hand again. Talk to me. Let me feel you. Get out of hiding and look at Him. Let Him heal you after the way I have treated you. Let Him assure you that you are safe in His hands. That yes, you will still get hurt, will still feel pain but that’s okay. One touch of His healing hands and you will be okay again. Scarred yes but alive, beating, living, breathing.

Stop hiding. Join me in prayer, in worship. You can cry before Him. You can tell Him everything since He already knows them anyway. Let Him hold you and take care of you as I never did. I am sorry for hiding you for so long, for rejecting you, for not getting to know you.

When I first read Macrina’s reflections a few days ago, I am sorry for thinking how recalcitrant and contrary and bratty you have grown. I am sorry for being angry that you refused to subject yourself to my will, my mind. I am sorry for feeling perplexed and disappointed that you are one broken piece of organ that I can do without! I am sorry for being impatient with your unpredictability, your tantrums. I did not try to understand you. I have ignored and abandoned and starved you of love and affection from others and from myself thinking it would protect me from pain, rejection and disappointments.

No wonder you’d rebel.  No wonder you would be uncontrollable. You have so much in you, so much you could have shared which I have controlled, curtailed and killed. Get out of that cell now. It is safe there but it’s not a happy place to be.

I know a much safer place for you. In His hands is where you should be. Because He will take very good care of you.

                                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                              Heaven’s Mind

Borrowed Prayer

 

 

I started reading Macrina Wiederkehr’s book last year. I bought the book last June 15, 2013 and I have yet to finish it. My excuse? Good books are meant to be savored, not rushed through.

I think she was one of the reasons why I have grown fascinated with religious sisters. They are very human. But very drawn to the divine. I like the way she thinks and I think I would have wanted to be around her, observe her, listen to her and be inspired by her. She made me think of nuns, religious sisters and the clergy in a different way. She made me wonder if lay people can be the same. Could we also think in the way that they do? ( And it made me think, if I am so pleased by how she thinks and what she stands for, what must God be feeling towards her? Huh.)

I am fascinated by the way their mind ticks. And she made me think about the saints. If the living religious sisters can be like this, how about those who have been perfected by God’s grace? They have already passed through this life, so what was their life like? Before they were drawn to the Divine and after that? But I digress…

Anyway, I opened her book again today and her prayer is something that appeals to me, to my heart today. With her, I am praying this prayer too:

O God, My Refuge, My Path of Life Forever,

This I know to be true – when I needed a refuge, it was always for you whom I was seeking! Every time I tried to fill my emptiness with too many things, too much food, too many words, too much work, it was always you for whom I was seeking. Every time I hoarded more than I needed, it was you for whom I was hungering. Every time I searched in the wrong places, I was searching for you. Every time I wanted to be right more than I wanted the truth, it was you for whom I was yearning. It was always you! You are my path of life. It was always you to whom I wanted to flee for refuge. May my refuge be in you!

Amen.

Perfect Peace

Life is one tension after another.

When you think you have just met one deadline and can sit back and relax, another one would come in. Sometimes, tension does not wait. In the middle of a life altering problem, another turmoil inserts itself.

Will there ever be peace and ease for man’s weary heart?

When you feel this alone, this desperate, is there ever peace like the one your heart is longing for?

According to Laura Story’s song, Perfect Peace, there is:

Lord, I long for Your perfect peace. Right now, I feel alone, desperate, lonely, overwhelmed with struggles… remind me that I am never alone.

Beloved 2013

 

At the end of 2013, I was confused and a little out of sort. I was often not thinking clearly. I was feeling down and discouraged. Walking with Jesus while holding hands with the devil is a difficult  experience, and a humiliating one.

So, I was not able to write a year-ender that would clearly show what 2013 was like. I needed to look back and realized that the answer was just there, staring at me. It’s like a veil has been lifted.

2013 is a beautiful year despite the pains and trials that my heart and soul went through. It was beautiful exactly because of those pains.

This 2013, I realized and really felt that I am a daughter of God. But realizing that I am His daughter does not make me perfect in an instant. There is still an ongoing struggle of dying everyday against my own desire to be, what the world would call, myself. That self was a creature of darkness who only considers her self at the center of every thought, decision and action.

This 2013, I also appreciated being a Roman Catholic. Our so called religion is so rich with tradition and rituals which are often misunderstood and persecuted even by Roman Catholics themselves. I always avoided calling myself a Roman Catholic because of the distrust I felt over these very same traditions and rituals. I don’t want to be like my grandmother who is so dogmatic in her faith nor do I want to be like those people who come to church and curse and yell and hate other people outside it. I did not go to church because I think of these same people as hypocrites, going to church and not living up to the tenets of Christianity. Now, I hear the mass and go to confession not because it is required or desirable for a Catholic to do so. I want to be a part of that community that worship Him and I long for my soul and my heart to be healed and touched by Him. Attending SFC Household meetings and conferences is no longer enough. I need Him too much to wait for SFC activities.. And about my fellow “hypocritical Catholics? I remember what our supervisor once told me when I explained why I do not go to Church “You do not hear the mass for them, but for Him.” It did not make sense before, but it does now. And so, the judgmental, prideful and sick daughter of the Lord goes to church…

This 2013, I felt and experienced His love. When people used to ask  me if I love God,  I did not answer. I really did not know. How can I love someone who does not care about me? Despite what they taught us, despite John 3:16, I just did not get it. John 3:16 will remain a verse until you experience what God’s love truly means. This 2013, I experienced more of His love. What felt as a short, swift caress before became an onslaught and outpouring this 2013. It’s not because He did not love me. It’s because I did not trust Him so I did not open up myself to Him. His persistent love is overwhelming in its intensity, strong and gentle, forgiving, merciful, kind and understanding but firm despite it all. Everyday, I have to be reminded of that love. It’s so easy to forget that I am His daughter, that He loves me so much when you encounter so much pain, and problems and difficulties everyday.  Honestly, there are days when I keenly feel His presence but there are days when He is just so absent in my life and during those days, I would feel so lonely and so alone despite the presence of people around me. I would ask, why can’t He just be here every moment and every day of my life? I know and understand during those times, I should trust Him. But knowing and feeling are not the same and sometimes, feelings would just overwhelm me and I would start fearing.

I feel that I should be a religious sister because I long for the perfection of the union of my soul with Him. I see no other way that this could be possible. I don’t know what to do with my life as it is. But I don’t have the courage to do what I feel I should do.

So, I wait. Wait for more this 2014. Wait for His will to unfold. Wait and trust in His ways.

 

The people in my life this 2013

My family                                                Graduate School folks

My ALS Family                                         My learners

My SFC Family

                                                  You are the Light of the World

                                                   by Simon Dewey

2014: The Greatest Journey

Have a peek of my diary entry for the 1st of January 2014.

Despite the worries over deadlines, over unfinished works, over family feuds, over personal issues, fears and frustrations… despite the guilt, despite the sadness of the physical solitude…. I am anticipating this year. My heart is throbbing to the sound of Celtic Woman's The Call.
I woke up with a heart that truly anticipates today. I feel alive. I feel my heart, I feel my soul. I feel a certain joy despite the sadness. Life is the greatest journey and all we really have to do is open our heart.
I leave all the pains, frustrations and fears in 2013. I leave all the doubts, the resentments, the confusions, and all the emotions that strangled my heart in that year. This year, today is the beginning of the greatest journey of my heart and my soul.

Because today, I will continue to walk with Jesus...not fearfully walking behind Him. Not proudly walking before Him. Not doubtfully watching Him in the crowd. Not running away from Him. But walking with Him and holding His hand, trustingly, joyfully and poignantly sweetly, like a child.

Lover of my Soul

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know, I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart (x2)

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart (x2)

Songwriters
BRONLEEWE, MATT / GLOVER, BEN / JOBE, KARI

                                                                                                         (www.metrolyrics.com)

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.2)

 

 

My vocation is His purpose for creating me…

I really wanted to be able to say that I have discerned and accepted God’s purpose for my life. I started out as if I was on a quest of discovering my vocation! I was excited, and very eager to know God’s will for my life.

I have been in that particular mode for several weeks after the Regional Conference. I wanted to know! I had to know God’s will for me! And I tried finding out (as if I could do it on my own…)

After several weeks, I got tired of trying to find out. Now, I still do not have answers. I still do not know if it is His will for me to be single, get married or become a religious sister.  Not being able to know the answer has crushed my soul a little. I felt as if God was denying me something I really wanted to know! Or did I really?

I did find out several things about myself though. These discoveries has led to more confusion because I did not like what I learned. I have learned that I also wanted to get married and have a family of my own (and the really sad thing about it is I already have someone in mind, someone who will likely never notice me – this led to self-pity, resentment and binge-eating in order to cope with the depressing feelings). I also learned that I really did not want to stay single (and be a spinster, although this is what my family expects me to be and this just feels like the most likely outcome anyway) and since this is almost a given, I decided that I would rather be a religious sister than become a bitter spinster who hates everyone for being happy!

Those discoveries made me unhappy about myself. I once gave up on the idea of marriage for myself. I was content, or so I told myself. I even anticipated spinsterhood. I was determined to glory in it and enjoy the freedom and not be the stereotypical sad and unhappy old maid. I was going to become the cool aunt or at least, the nice and kindly although eccentric teacher.  However, when those convictions were challenged, when I was repeatedly told that God has other plans for us, I felt a surge of resentment and anger well up in me. I wanted to cry and tell them to not give me false hopes. It seems a big part of myself has already given up on the concept that someone other than God can love me for me…. And I did not want to be bothered anymore. I joined SFC because I knew I would be a Single for Christ – maybe forever and I even started inquiring about how to become a Handmaid of the Lord when I reach 40.

I really did not want to open myself to other possibilities!

Then came the frantic desire to be called, be chosen for something really special. I wanted God to show me signs that He wanted me for Himself. I long for Him to let me hear, know and really see that yes, I am called to become a religious sister because if I can only be sure, I would be brave and tell Nanay about it and even if it hurts her, I would follow God's calling. But, I did not ask God to do that because I was really afraid to know… I feel afraid to know what He plans for me…

Silly person that I am… wanting to know but not really wanting to know. I prayed for Him to reveal His will for me in a rather half-hearted manner… because I really am afraid to know about it and God knows it too.God knows I am unready to know His will for me and because He loves me, He is waiting for me to be ready for Him…

***

Wonderful and loving Father, thank You for being so patient with me. Forgive me for being impatient with You and for refusing to really know Your perfect will for my life. Father, grant me the desire to truly know what it is that You plan for me. Prepare my heart for Your plans and ready my life for Your wonders. Create in me the desire to know and the courage to follow You all the days of my life. Amen.

Hollowed Out

 

Blogging is an effort.

I find it difficult to pour not only my thoughts but also my soul on paper.

A famous writer once said that writing  is effortless because you only have to sit before a typewriter and … bleed. Yes. Easy. I can literally see blood gushing out of my pores now.

What you read on this blog has more to it than just the letters strung together to form words to describe an experience, no an encounter that can never be fully explained.

I don’t like revealing this side of me to others. I don’t much like sharing my thoughts and feelings because every time I do, I feel as if a hollowing out is occurring within my soul. I would start to feel empty, as if all I have learned in that arduous experience has disappeared! The same happens when I share/ speak in front of my brothers and sisters in SFC. There is that hollowing out I have grown to dread, thus, making me want to hide when “sharing” time comes.

Everything I have written  or said will be tested the next day. Everything I shared will be experienced again. Everything I have posted will be re-encountered and the learning would begin all over again. It seems in this wonderful walk, you never stop learning.

But I can’t not share. I can’t say no anymore.

Saying no was easy before. Its easy to say no to my household head. ( I can’t say no when it comes to my work!) But now, I can’t say no to Him, not as easily as I used to.

The speaker in one of the workshops I attended during the SFC Regional Conference said  we should not keep our experiences with Christ to ourselves since it is not ours to keep.

I keep a diary. Since high school, I have learned to keep a diary because I had no one to share my secrets with. Keeping a diary kept me sane and really secretive. My diary contained everything I feel and thought of, all my angst, my anger, my irritation. It was only later that I learned I had very negative diary entries. Reading through it revealed how vitriolic I have been and how angry I was. People say I can’t be this solitary and sane. They were right too. My older diaries would attest to how “dark” my heart has become. Outwardly, they see this workaholic girl who is always so accepting, and seems so happy. They see this person who always says yes to what they want. But they do not see the bitter girl inside the diary, so full of resentment and anger…

I have burned a lot of diaries simply because I can’t stomach my own thoughts! When my mother found several of my diaries and read through my entries, she was crushed with what she found there. That was when I realized how hurtful my writing has become. I was writing, and thinking and feeling unforgivable thoughts towards people around me (and they thought I was this sweet, innocent girl who can’t say a bad thing at all).

Realizing that was crushing. Even my blog posts were reflecting my negativity. My posts were “God-less” entries in an already self focused blogosphere. Heavenessence was just one of those dangerous pot holes in an already pain-ridden world.

For the past few  weeks, I have learned this. The hollowing out is good because you are only being emptied to receive new fillings – fresher, healthier for the soul and better with your romance with God.

Lord, hollow me out and fill me with new wine. Refresh me and let me not fear the “emptying” process. Give me the courage to seek the “emptying” time so that I will be ready for the times of “refilling”.

A Sonnet for my One True Love

 

Back in college, there was one Shakespearean sonnet I adored simply because it initially described my idea of what marriage or love should be.

Sonnet 116

by William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove,

Oh no, it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempest and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth’s unknown. although his height be taken.

Love’s not Times fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickles compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom,.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ nor no man ever loved.

 

Well, to put it bluntly, this is the sonnet that disappointed me. I never found that kind of love. Around me, marriages were breaking apart, couples were splitting up after passionate weeks or months of being together. What once was so loved became so hated. I never trusted love after personally seeing what it can do to a twenty-year old marriage.

I would smile at heartbreaking break ups and splits and nod my head sagely saying Shakespeare was oh so wrong. I never experienced a break up myself but I considered myself lucky I was spared the trouble. I was one of the joyless club, I thought, but then I think I’d prefer to think I was part of the better-safe-than-sorry group. So I threw away that silly sonnet I carefully wrote on a piece of Cattleya note and lovingly taped on my college clipboard. Shakespeare was a fraud and love is just that, an urban myth.

And then, Love found me. My True Love found me in my most hidden corner, sulking bitterly over the silliness of life. And I learned, it’s not that Shakespeare was wrong.Its just that I have been looking for love in the wrong places. I have been searching and expecting it from other people who never really knew what Love is. I have been scouring every piece of romance novel I could find for my happily ever after and was more surprised I never found it there. True love cannot be found in a mere piece of paper or corruptible flesh. Love is this: that He gave His son, His only begotten Son, for us.

That’s love. That is my One True Love.

P.S. And yes, He proved Shakespeare right, every bit of what is written in Sonnet 116 is true.

 

 

Fair and Unfair

 

 

I was trying to hold back tears of frustration.

I was angry, and irritated and fed up and the anger was just fighting to burst out of my chest. I knew that when I let loose, it would be very ugly and awful.

As an advocate of freedom of self-expression and authenticity, I would have allowed myself to let loose. I just wanted to vent my frustration over how unfair everything is, just then.

When others get tired, or angry or fed up with you, they do not feel compelled to hold back on the censure. They will be very quick to make and pass judgments around and tell you to your face what exactly is wrong, in a very unkind manner. Worst, some would even go behind your back and tell others about what you have done wrong without telling you.

On my way home, while blinking back tears of pent-up frustration, I came to this realization. I was once like this. I was quick to make judgment. Quick to find fault. Quick to see what is wrong. I was so good at fault-finding that it became more than a habit. It become part of who I was. And it hurt a lot of people around me (and the sad thing was, I did not even realize this).

However, knowing what I know now and believing in what I believe in now does not change that attitude overnight. There are moments when I can feel myself reeling from trying to hold back! I am so angry I just have to vent it!

Last night, I even told my sisters how unfair they were to me. When they are angry or irritated, they feel that it’s okay to show it. Don’t they realize that the silent, pouting treatment is hurting me? It’s okay when they act childish and petty but when I do that, I get reminded that “SFC kaw, ga amo kaw ka daa?” (You are a Singles For Christ. Why are you acting like that?”). As if being an SFC has transformed me into a saint overnight.

And then, I prayed. (It was more the “anguished cry for comfort from above” kind of prayer, one that makes word unnecessary). Immediately, this thought flashed through my mind. “When Christ suffered for my sins on the cross, did He blame me for it? Did He cry out that it was all my fault and not His own that led Him to that moment? Did He tell me I was being unfair to Him? Did He ask me why He had to suffer for me when I refused to suffer for others in His name?”

He bore the pain quietly. He bore His cross in obedience, in quiet pain, crying out only to His father.

My God, forgive me for resenting my crosses. Bless me with the grace to bear them with the same love that You have borne Yours with. And in moments like this, let me turn to You for comfort when the wounds get too painful.

Saturday Afternoons, Red Gloves and Tears

 

Still reading Unafraid, and was only able to finish Gideon’s Gift and Maggie’s Miracle from the Red Gloves collection, but these are stories that would change a readers life, if you only open your heart and head to it.

I was morose that whole week, wondering what I wanted from life and wondering why I feel so unfulfilled, and a little resentful about my lot in life.

That short, quick, unexpected Saturday afternoon talk with Nong Gil was certainly an eye-opener.

I wanted to write. I just don’t know why I can’t anymore.

I like teaching. I am just not sure why I feel so restless with what I am doing.

Reading, after God and family, is my one (well, three actually), Great Love. So, why do I keep flipping from book to book, cover to cover, author after another author, without really reading anything?

What could be so wrong?

I guess, I have learned to separate the heart from the brain that what the brain can comprehend, the heart can’t express and what the heart can feel, the brain cannot realize. Not really unusual. I may look like one whole big person but deep inside, I really am just one huge compartment with a lot of little compartments subdividing the rest of my life.

And that afternoon, I understand why I have to get hurt while reading a book and that it’s okay to cry (just not where my mother and siblings could see me). And that by so doing, I am letting my heart and brain connect with each other again.

I can’t write while I am not whole. I can’t be myself without the freedom of using what He has given me all along. I don’t know what I am capable of yet because I have always been too afraid to try.Still am though.

But this week, I found my way back into the arms of my most favorite activity, with all of me, this time. And while lying on a hammock, I absorbed one great story with both my head and my heart, taking in a series of stories involving a Red Glove and Christmas time.

After crying a river (Karen Kingsbury, seriously, knows how to make a person cry), and after engaging the whole of me in the exercise, I felt better afterward. This has always been the ultimate reading experience for me – taking in all my senses, delighting the intellect and stimulating the heart – and feeling good afterward.

Romance novels have dulled my heart after many years of gobbling them (they are just like the junk food of books). But, the kind of fiction that Francine Rivers and Karen Kingsbury create makes me feel and think and appreciate life. They make me feel more alive and closer to Him. They make me feel a part of Him, His creation. They make me think of Him and they make me cry because He makes me cry often. (And only He can do that – and reading too, and yeah, my mother as well).

And maybe, someday, I would be able to write something like what Rivers and Kingsbury have written and maybe, that would make me feel ever more alive, and fulfilled and much closer to Him too.

Broken Generations

 

The world has coined various labels for its varied and many generations of people. Lumped together to be perfectly categorized into neat boxes, these generations have been born, existed, survived, and died. Some of its members left indelible marks in the annals of history, some faded like mere bubbles, fragments of an imagination that littered the world for a while with people.

But there is one thing common in all humankind… whether referred to as Generation X, Y, Z or whatever pretentious label man comes up with, all of man’s generations have always been broken.

Broken by the stings of an aimless, meaningless existence, stung by the poisons of inexplicable family dynamics, bitten by varied neuroses… Man tried to cope by rationalizing his brokenness. He tried to make excuses for his behavior by blaming others for it. No one was willing to take responsibility of choices that went wrong, decisions that lead only to more pain and hurt. There was always someone or something to blame. A broken man finds it easy to expose the chink in a fellows armor than deal with his own broken shield.

We are a broken generation. We are a broken people. And we try to heal our brokenness by covering it up with more broken armors and fragments of the self we could have been.

What glues us together are the very same things that broke us apart. The tiny pieces of ourselves have been cast away or were lost, and we believe that we can no longer find those pieces anymore.

But we don’t need those pieces. We do not need to hang on to the tattered rags we are wearing.

Someone out there sees our brokenness for what it is.But, since He crafted us in the first place, He knows that these broken chunks need to be broken, so that the beautiful masterpieces would come out.

We are a broken generation with scraped elbows, and bruised knees and we can turn to the Great Physician to heal our brokenness.

We are a broken people who can be mended by a great God.

Loving Thy Neighbor

 

I was asked to talk about this particular topic in an SFC Christian Life Program in a neighboring chapter. My first thought, to be honest, was Why Me? and then Okay… and then, I decided to set it aside.

However, now that the talk is drawing quite near, I started wondering why I was asked to give the said talk because hey, I do not know what that topic really means. Really. My college school mates once accused me of not knowing how to relate to other people because I read too much. You do not read people in the same way that you read books.And my own mother once remarked that she already pities my future husband (if I ever get married) because I was so cold-blooded and aloof. Even an acquaintance once remarked how distant I really am with them – that I am surrounded by brick walls, all over… brick walls that are 12 feet high, and 10 feet thick. It was a joke, but I guess jokes are often half-truths.

And deep inside, beneath the façade, is really this dead person walking – because if this dead person could feel, she would be crying, and groaning day and night… but since I only started crying after I joined the SFC, I guess I am not used to letting my guard down.

I do know that the 10 commandments can be summarized into two : Love the Lord your God with all your strength, with all your mind and with all your heart and love your neighbors as you love yourself.

Whew. Simple words and reminders for every Christian but… I haven’t even gotten close to loving God with all my strength, heart and mind and now, I am being asked to answer to the 2nd command Jesus left His disciples.

I always thought that a Christian’s curriculum is somewhat similar to that of the formal school but I guess Christ’s operates in a similar manner as the alternative learning system – He meets the learner’s needs first. (Well, that is indeed another way of putting it)

Oremus pro invicem (Let Us Pray for one Another)

 

C.S. Lewis often ends his letters to his friends in this manner… (don’t ask me for details, I have not yet finished the book edited by Paul F. Ford, Yours, Jack : Spiritual Direction from C.S. Lewis.

And I would never have understood what that meant' if I was not brought into the CFC-Singles for Christ. Prayer is a tricky matter to me. God blessed me with the gift of writing. The English language is a wonderful tool of expression for me. But when it comes to prayer, I am often at a loss, out of words.

Of course I know the prayers taught during or Catechesis in school but I never seriously considered a different aspect of prayer… prayer is talking to God… prayer is being with our Father… Even until now, prayer is a challenge for me.

I never really prayer for others. I did not know how. And then, when I pray, I often wonder if my sincere in my prayers, if my heart is in it.

But somehow, I was blessed with a new view of prayer – praying for others. I used to wonder why we are urged to “pray for one another” and what’s the use. Only later did I learn what praying for one another means. You can only pray for others when others have opened themselves up so that you can pray for them. You can only pray for others when you feel that stirring of the Spirit, that desire to comfort and offer comfort and you know, that you can only help by praying for that other person. Your own struggles are set aside and you pray for peace and comfort for this other person. You see God’s grace at work in another’s life and you are filled with so much hope that He does the same for you.

Sometimes, we are just too closed to our own realities that we cannot see God’s hands in everything we do. But, by opening up to my sisters in the SFC during our household meetings, I have learned to be vulnerable, I have learned to lay down my worries and ask them to pray for me and I let them lay down their worries so that I can pray for them as well.

Praying for one another is very important and I often wonder how God has designed everything in our live’s that makes communion with other believers a very life-altering experience for someone who never really went out of her shell.

Am I Heartless?

 

Am I heartless because I choose to live by my principles? Yes, I was heartless because I once chose to live by my principles – the principles of honesty, decency, loyalty and responsibility have been drilled into me by my experiences in my formative years.

Add the rather ruthless independent streak and the desire not to involve others in my troubles plus the desire to please everybody else around me, and yeah, I am rotten and heartless to the core…

Because I lived by my principles and not love… I was responsible, and decent, and honest to a fault (now I know what that means)…

But this time, I no longer live by those principles. I live by love. His love. How can I do something that offends my God but pleases other people? How can something offensive before the eyes of my Lord be good for His people? How can a lie, a deceitful action be ever good in the sight of this just and good and great God?

Now, am I heartless?

Am I heartless because I refused to swim and chose to sink and brought a whole boat with me? Am I heartless because I refused to do an obvious wrong?

I am hurt. The first and foremost person my action hurt was me.  My pride took a beating (and it needed that beating). My reputation was damaged. My promises of an easy way out has been destroyed. I have nothing…

Am I heartless? A lot of them has been hurt. My mother and I keep butting heads about it. My friends wonder at what I am doing… but how can I keep doing something that is so wrong to Him? How can I do that?

I chose this. I chose not to be god of my fate and the fate of others. I chose this because He is my God.

Now, am I heartless?

Wants: Mine, Hers and His

 

I wanted so many things from life. I wanted financial independence. I seek a good and comfortable teaching post. I desire further education. I want to travel whenever  I have the opportunity.

I also want my own nice little house… for myself and my family. I want a car too for a comfortable way of travelling. I want comfort and peace and prosperity and a quiet life. Those are the things that  I want.

My mother wants me to get promotions, to be in a position of power and fame… She wants me to explore my potential and she wants me to be everything she wanted to be… until she had me.She wants me to aggressively finish my post graduate studies. She wants me to win awards as an outstanding teacher. She wants me to have it all.

But it seems God wants something else for me. He wants me for something else. He placed me in a work where I uncomfortably started off. He wanted me to learn life’s lessons in a humble way. He wanted me to become a tough follower in celestial terms. He wanted me to do something else, not just sit in my room and write or read books. He gave me a family that’s too big to comfortably feed in a month, a house that uncomfortably squats beside public land, a body that does not sit well with the mind and ambitions planted in me since I was young. He placed in my heart a desire to be with His people when I have been reared an environment of distrust and confusion.

These three things, three ideals, three visions of what I want and what my life should be is tearing at me. But looking at it now, does it not seem clear which vision is best for me?

Thus says Yahweh, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I, Yahweh, your God, teach you what is best for you; I lead you in the way you must go. Had you paid attention to my commandments, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendants would have been like the sand, and those born of your stock like its grains, their names never cut off nor blotted out from my presence. – Isaiah 48:17-19

Triumphs and Tears

 

The results of the ALS A&E Test have come out this week and it was a fascinating study in contrast… another learning curve in my life.

I am feeling a poignant sort of triumph and assurance as well as a little regret for what must be but I am happy and confident that the learners who passed were indeed deserving and worth their salt. These learners are truly ready for college…

In my Passi NHS Learning Group, the following passed the test:

1. Anna Marie Agudon

2. Reanne Ruales

3. Dexter Dave Panes

4. Ralph Paclibar

5. Rhody Lyn Lapera

I am confident that these 5 are indeed ready for anything that will come in their future. They have gone through a lot. Life was not easy but at least, they have what it is needed to pursue a brighter future ahead of them.

To those who did not make it, there is still another year. I pray that together, we can prepare for what lies ahead.

To God be the all the glory!!!