A Page from my Journal

 

I went to a Carmelite Missionaries search in last August 9, 2015. It was a bittersweet moment. But, here is what I wrote about it in my journal on that date.

Yep, I have been unsure when I started. After the search-in, I suffered from a headache and a feeling of tiredness while I was travelling home. I was depressed, desolate and unhappy… and I was not sure why. I was also afraid and sad.

The SFC Regional Conference 2015 helped clear the cobwebs a bit (more on the mega impact of the RECON later will be posted later though).

Here is an entry I wrote in my journal today…

“It was in the RECON 2015 that I have decided to be honest with myself. I also want to get married someday. I also want to have a family of my own. A husband who will love and cherished me in the way God intended a man to cherish and love a woman.

I long for that physical, actual emotional manifestation of the Lord's love in another person. The only bad thing about this is that I have a specific person in mind. And I know it should not be this way. I know I should wait for the special someone God has given to me…

I was going to be honest. I still liked the Carmelite Missionaries. I like the idea that there are sisters who have given their lives fully to the Lord. In fact, I would have loved it if I felt called in that way too.

However, if I insist on this vocation despite the discomforts I have been feeling, I would be very dishonest. I did not feel comfortable during the Carmelite Missionaries Search In. I felt pressured and upset and dissatisfied and bothered which is completely unlike that strengthened, nourished and enriched feeling I get from SFC Teachings, Conferences and Household Prayer meetings.

As I was travelling home that day, I felt drained. I suffered from a terrible head ache. I was upset and I could not settle down. I felt tired… the whole week after that, I struggled terribly from my usual addictions… I felt haunted and hunted.

Everything eased a little after our SFC Evangelization and CLP Training the Sunday after the Carmelite Search In. The community reminded me to stop stressing, to be faithful and to believe in the promises of the Lord.

Still, I felt frightened by the lack of security in the future I am envisioning for myself. Realizing you really don't feel called is rather embarrassing and disappointing. I was not really happy during the search in, I felt so self-conscious (this is the reason why I intended to finish the search-in in the first place. I needed to make sure that this is how I felt).

I am afraid because I have always used the religious vocation as an alternative to the kind of life I truly feared but wanted. I fear commitment and making myself vulnerable to another person because I have trust issues. I don’t know if I am capable of loving another person that much and I fear that when I realize I could, I won’t be able to believe or accept that another person can like or even love me as I am. Not in the romantic sense, no.”

 

So yes, that’s how my vocation discernment is going right now. I really wanted to be sure. But I am in a state of chaos…

However, a dear friend told me to that if I trust the Lord, if I have faith in Him as I claim I have, I will not fret or fear the future like this. Instead, I will hope in His promises and His plans because He is a good God…

Live Fully, Love Fully, Live Love Fully

 

I have not posted for quite a while now. I have been going through some experience I did not feel comfortable sharing. I don’t feel ready to share them but I feel compelled to at least, lay them out and see for myself what they mean.

I was quite aghast when I heard one of my mother’s biggest argument against SFC. “Nagaparis-paris kamu” (You’re pairing up with each other). I vehemently denied this one because I was completely unaware of what Nanay meant. Although I often hear a lot about finding GG’s (or God’s Gift, your supposed partner in life) during Talks, I did not pay them any mind at all. I was probably unready for it. I was busy searching my heart, knowing myself and the God who loves me to even think about such stuff. Plus, I am really very much aware how difficult it would be for my future suitor to court me… he will have to battle my mother (she’s determined that I will be her partner for life), my entire family (they are very sure that I will never marry and I am wondering why they think so) and me too (since I am an insecure coward, an obedient daughter and a doting older sister).

That was, until the SFC Intimacy Weekend which I felt I was not ready to attend. Although I was determined to go, I lacked the enthusiasm I usually felt about going on SFC Teachings as I often did before. I felt reluctant because of the distance. We had our Intimacy Weekend at Concepcion. It takes four hours of bus ride before reaching the town. I decided to miss my MAEd class, ditch my sister from a shopping trip she so wanted and ate so much because I was confused whether I wanted to go or not. What was in it for me? In the CFC-Singles for Christ track I read somewhere online two years ago, I remember reading that the Intimacy Weekend was for engaged couples. It’s not for lost, lonely spinsters like me (yeah, my boss just called me an old maid last week and I probably am at that).

In our chapter, I was the only uncoupled participant. I was with Sis Jejan and her then fiancee (now husband) Bro Romer and Sis Remz and her husband Bro Randy. I told myself my partner was Jesus and all the way to Concepcion, while travelling alone at such a distance (aside from my Baguio Bus ride, I have never travelled alone that far), I felt God was with me… I just love travelling alone, I guess especially knowing I was going to a place where I will be meeting people I have something in common with – Jesus.

The talks were heavy, a little embarrassing and quite sensitive. I realized the purpose behind SFC itself. Couples for Christ conceptualized its family ministries to protect the family and they have to start early. They have to start with individuals, single men and women who will eventually become CFCs in the future. Future husbands and wives in Christ, fully grown and mature in their faith and ready to live up to the vocation of marriage.

It was here I realized how beautiful marriage is. Confronted with loving Christian couples (especially the ones I was with), I felt drawn, more accepting, and a whole lot more understanding about people who chose the vocation of marriage. This is love. My twisted concept of marriage being a noose and a bother was shattered. Scoffing over the very human need to have someone with whom you can bare yourself completely, someone who can carry the struggle when you can’t be strong anymore, someone who can be there for you and tell you how wonderful, beautiful and amazing you are, someone who equally needs you, your understanding, love and affection, your comfort and your very presence… that was just amazing in itself.

Back then, I told myself I welcome all vocations. Whether God has willed me for single blessedness and the religious life or married life – I am okay with it. But, I was really partial to single blessedness and desiring the religious life (I felt I need it more than God needed me to be a religious sister or a cloistered nun). The reason why I cannot seem to move forward with my discernment is that I haven’t explored married life at all. My own experience shattered the concept of romance. I did not trust human love at all. I do not know how to trust another person in such a manner that I would completely entrust my heart that way. I know I can trust God, trust His plans and His purpose (but despite that, He will still hurt me or disappoint me because it is necessary for His purpose) but not another person.

The Intimacy Weekend was one teaching I was not ready for. However, it accomplished one thing. It made me open my heart to that other vocation I sincerely refused to consider because I preferred the “alone with God” options. It challenged my concept of my own vocation and it led me to the beautiful conclusion that all vocations are meant to glorify God.

I am Mary Magdalene

I don’t know if I will ever publish this blog post. If I did, then, you would be reading it.
Mary Magdalene is the notorious prostitute who was almost stoned because she was caught in an adulterous act. She was saved from death because of Jesus. After that, Magdalene did not go her merry way to sin again. Instead, she followed the Christ and became one of His disciples.
Today, July 22, is her feast day.
I can identify with Mary Magdalene. The 1st reading and the psalm today speaks of a longing for the Lord. A longing I have been familiar with for the past months.
My previous blog entries speak of how I am waiting, because I have grown tired of my own self-control. It speaks of my discontent as I try to fill my life with things that do not count – work, ambition, graduate school, a lot of books especially the erotic ones, food, too much sleeping- I actually allowed myself all the pleasure it can afford. But, no matter how I fill the emptiness in me, it cannot be assuaged. I was still longing.
The first reading got that correctly.
“Asleep on my bed, night after night I dreamed of the one I love; I was looking for him, but I couldn’t find him.” –Song of Songs, 3:1
I went through that phase and filled it with things that are not right in His eyes. I knew it but it was so easy to justify it. I was Magdalene. And I was not happy.
I keep wondering if there will ever be a time when I would feel the joy of His presence, the assurance of His love and I know I could not do that as long as I keep holding on to the novels that make it so impossible for me to be with Him.
Then, last Sunday, after so much pressure and so much trouble, I attended the SFC CLP Training. It was the first SFC event I went to after 10 months. I keep missing everything after I struggled over an identity crisis, with some fear and doubt thrown in. I am not sure how things changed. I felt it was brewing then for a while.I’ve gone back to hearing the Mass on Sunday. I was experiencing Catholicism anew.I was trying to convince myself that by just hearing the mass, I would be okay. I do not need to attend SFC activities anymore.But something was lacking.
So, that Sunday, I went back to the community I did not really openly turn away from. And things changed.It’s like I woke up.
All I know is that a Christian community helps you experience the fullness of God’s love. My Christian Community, the CFC-Singles for Christ, despite its imperfections (because its members are the very same human beings that God loves so much), helped me overcome the struggle… not in empty words of encouragement. I haven’t told anyone the struggle I was going through but their kindness, their concern, their availability to be used by God, made them all a conduit of His love for me. And so, in that old chapel in Duenas, I found God again or maybe, like Magdalene in today’s Gospel, Jesus found her, knew her, called her by name. It was only when Jesus called her by name that she realized she was not talking to the gardener but to the risen Lord Himself. (John 20:1-2, 11-18).
And when she did find him, “I held him and wouldn’t let him go until I took him to my mother’s house, to the room where I was born.” – Song of Songs 3:4

I am Mary Magdalene. My sins have shackled me from experiencing life to its fullest (and I know experiencing it to the fullest doesn’t mean just enjoying it but living life and feeling all the range of emotions man is supposed to go through and still feel love, peace and joy because you know that God is with you). I am Mary Magdalene. And He found me again, knew me, and called me by name.

Longing for God

(Psalm 63:1-8)

O God, you are my God and I long for you.

My whole being desires you; like a dry, worn-out, and

waterless land, my soul is thirsty for you.

Let me see you in the sanctuary;

let me see how mighty and glorious you are.

Your constant love is better than life itself,

and so I will praise you.

I will give you thanks as long as I live;

I will raise my hands to you in prayer.

My soul will feast and be satisfied,

and I will sing glad songs of praise to you.

As I lie in bed, I remember you;

all night long I think of you,

because you have always been my help.

In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.

I cling to you, and your hand keeps me safe.

Inspired

 

 

Joselito, one of my Elementary Level learners, wrote this essay last year. I was touched by what he has written. He works in his uncle’s junk shop and lives with his grand mother. At his age, he still helped his mother.

These are the things that break my heart a little every time I look deeper into my learners lives. So young, so helpless. Parents should be protecting them from life’s painful realities so that they can grow up functional and happy.

These learners who weathered the storms of life grew up scarred, but strong. I just pray that we, teachers, would be able to help them see the brighter side of life. That we can become the light that would help show the way out of whatever tunnels they are in.

One Step at a Time

 

My first year as an ALS Mobile Teacher was one year filled with so much turmoil. It was explosive because I felt like I was a baby that was thrust into the outside world for the first time.

I was emotionally volatile and vulnerable in 2010. I was feeling strongly rejected because I was not hired by my Alma Mater when my lifetime’s true dream was to become an English teacher at Passi National High School where I will teach literature, creative writing, journalism, debate and impromptu speech  (at my spare time) and open the minds of my learners to all possibilities available to them – just like what my favorite English teacher and mentor has done for me.

But it was not meant to be. God has other plans for me.

I remember lying on the floor, crying, my heart so broken , when I made the decision to leave PNHS. It was not an easy decision. It was me turning away and closing the door completely from my dream of becoming a weird English teacher-spinster.

I was already teaching as an Instructional Manager with ALS every Saturdays and Sundays back then and I knew what I was getting into when I accepted the job. It was necessity that made me do it. I needed a permanent job that pays well. This is one job that would do it. My heart was not completely involved but my head was and I was aware that I was making a commitment to being a Mobile Teacher.

Last January 4 marked my fourth year in ALS and I feel utterly blessed that I followed and obeyed and worked where I was called. Being a Mobile Teacher is no longer just the job I saw it to be. It has become a mission for me.

It was in ALS that I have grown not only as a professional but as a person. I was forced out of my self-focused shell. I was asked to get out and get involved with my learners, with the community, even with the people who run the community so that they would support the program.

In ALS, we are a family. With our supervisor (whose words I will never forget when I first went on a seminar to Baguio City with him – he told me to think of him as a father), my fellow Mobile Teachers who have become like siblings for me, my District ALS Coordinator who is much like a mother-figure.

With ALS, I was also forced to rely heavily on God. ALS placed me in a position where I realized that myself alone is not enough. It has shown me the empty pockets of my soul that requires one currency – the presence of God in my life and in my reality. We could say God forced me to come to Him because of ALS. The sense of security I was feeling at home and at work as a classroom teacher made me so self-sufficient and proud that I was able to ignore the emptiness and restlessness I was feeling.

Looking back, I have grown astounded at the progress my head and my heart has gone through. Because of ALS, I have become stronger and better as a person and I continue to grow everyday.

On our first Educational Tour in 2010, the report I prepared and the video I made was inspired by the then famous pop song, One Step at a Time. With ALS, everything comes in one step at a time. Just like the growth of the soul, you can’t force it. You just have to live it.

Thank you Lord, for giving me a career that has helped me to grow as a person. Thank you for making me work in a place where I was forced to make connections so that my heart could expand and my soul extend (I just wish it would shrink my girth too).Indeed, You know what is best for me. Amen.

 

2014: The Greatest Journey

Have a peek of my diary entry for the 1st of January 2014.

Despite the worries over deadlines, over unfinished works, over family feuds, over personal issues, fears and frustrations… despite the guilt, despite the sadness of the physical solitude…. I am anticipating this year. My heart is throbbing to the sound of Celtic Woman's The Call.
I woke up with a heart that truly anticipates today. I feel alive. I feel my heart, I feel my soul. I feel a certain joy despite the sadness. Life is the greatest journey and all we really have to do is open our heart.
I leave all the pains, frustrations and fears in 2013. I leave all the doubts, the resentments, the confusions, and all the emotions that strangled my heart in that year. This year, today is the beginning of the greatest journey of my heart and my soul.

Because today, I will continue to walk with Jesus...not fearfully walking behind Him. Not proudly walking before Him. Not doubtfully watching Him in the crowd. Not running away from Him. But walking with Him and holding His hand, trustingly, joyfully and poignantly sweetly, like a child.

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.1)

Love is a verb that requires an object.

That is the one sure thing I have learned about love. Touchy subject.So, how do I live my life in love? Living in love is truly living out your vocation or living according to God’s purpose for you.

I became aware that the Christian vocation may be lived out in any of the three basic ways : the married state, the single state in the world, and the religious state.

I used to think that when you say vocation, you really mean becoming a nun. That to go on a vocational discernment retreat (or something) is to emerge as a nun. But its not like that at all. A vocation is God’s calling for us to carry out a particular role he has designated for us in his plan. And God’s plan is none other than to bring all people in union with Him. (from a booklet by the Daughters of St. Paul)

I am at that point in life where I am seriously thinking about my vocation, something I have not done before.Until that fateful (and a little reluctant, yes, sadly, when it comes to God, I have been a reluctant disciple…) and eventful individual consultation with one of the nuns from the Daughters of St. Paul. (That was during the Singles for Christ’s Western Visayas Regional Conference last September 27-29, 2013 at Ateneo de Iloilo). She told me that the age limit for entering as an aspirant with the Daughters of St. Paul was 28 years old. I have reached that limit. 

If I don’t do something, a door will close for me, a door I am fondly considering. I like what the Daughters of St. Paul is doing. The Daughters of St. Paul is an international religious congregation of women who are called and consecrated to proclaim Jesus Christ and make His WORD alive to the world by witnessing to a life lived through prayer, study, community life and through the apostolate of social communications.

The nun I talked to (I forgot to ask her name!), said I could come and visit them anytime in their place in Iloilo. I could visit their Chapel just to pray and talk to them. The problem with this girl she was talking to is that if it involves taking the initiative, you will just have to wait forever. I never take the first step. I like being dragged around because if things go wrong, I could always blame the one who dragged me around! If Peter was the disciple who denied Jesus, and Judas betrayed Jesus, and Paul persecuted Jesus, and Jonah tried to run away from God, I guess my claim to fame (well, in my own mind) is that I am the reluctant believer! I want to, yes, but I am a coward!You need to force me to do something I actually wanted to do in the first place (but, tell me not to do something and I will set my mind on doing just that!). Besides, I like being sure and certain of things. (And I was told how erroneous this need is, fueled probably by a lack of faith in the One who holds my forever).

So now, I am seriously pondering where God is calling me, where He is leading me. I can recall several  things from the consultation and from the RECON itself.

1. I don’t have much time left until one of the three options is taken away from me forever.

2. I need to pray for the grace of  courage to do what God has called me to do.

3. I should learn to trust God with my future and not secure my future by myself (she told me that. I have the tendency to “ensure” my future and refuse to listen to His loving urgings).

4. Not all are called to serve Him in this way.  It’s a special call.

5. I need to be open to wherever He leads me. I should be open to all three vocations: the married state, single blessedness, and the religious life, while discerning and praying for my vocation, for His call for me. (I guess I clued her into the fact that I want single blessedness over the other two because holy matrimony and the religious life wreaks a lot of havoc in my heart ( I am afraid of both).

6. I need to pray, to listen to Him attentively so that indeed, I would be responding to His will, not mine, not my mother’s, not other peoples’ but His alone (freaking out here, how do I do that?)

I don’t know where this will lead me. I am not even sure if I want to know or if I am ready to know the answer. I don’t know where I will get the courage to tell my mother that, if I am called to the religious life, to be a bride of Christ, that I would be doing what she has called  “my foolishness”. (I used to joke about becoming a nun, just to tease them, just as I joke about getting married when I get irked with them a bit for disregarding me).

During the Provincial Conference last year, I felt that aching call which I set aside because I cannot face it at that time. I was unwilling, a lot unwilling and I told myself that maybe, my vocation was to become a blessing to everyone by staying single, because I could reach more people in the “normal state”.

Then, in this year’s RECON, why is there a discontent? A persistence for something else. Why is there a restlessness, a dissatisfaction in my soul? Why is there a call for more? I am already doing mission work just by being a teacher to my out of school youth and adult learners! I am already so blessed in my present state really. This should be enough. I am happy with my journey but why is it that there seems to be more, that there is something much deeper, richer and fuller somewhere out there?

I don’t want to regret not doing this. I am unsure where to start, but I am sure He will teach me, lead me, and make His will known to me.