Like the Sunrise: Reflections on the SFC RECON 2015 (Part 1)

 

The Sunrise @ Baybay, Roxas City

I can’t move on with my life without purging the experience from my system. Maybe, by doing this, everything will settle down to routine.

You see, I attended the CFC-Singles for Christ Regional Conference (RECON) 2015 at Capiz National High School last August 28-30, 2015. The theme, God’s Masterpiece, came from the anchor verse 1 Corinthians 13:7.

“Love bears all things, believes in all things, hopes in all things and endures all things.”

Where else will this apply more but to our family? And where else are we being called to love more other than within our own families.

In the conference, I met God again in a place where His love is openly celebrated and where He is worshipped with no holding back. I encountered Him in a place where indeed, I felt at home (as I have always felt in SFC conferences, teachings and prayer meetings). The experience was powerful, beyond what mere words can describe. You have to experience it to really understand what I mean.

But, that powerfully beautifully and amazing experience was littered with painful realizations and recollections. Realizations that would help me in my journey and in choosing my vocation and recollections of the past hurts, anger, resentments I have been feeling that I buried deep within my heart so I will be able to survive and go on living. They all came out in the open, like newly opened can of worms.

Let’s focus on the sessions and what they have given me:

Session 1: God’s Masterpiece

Our speaker for this Talk was Bro. Martin Pil. He first introduced to us his family. Listening to a father speaking all those words about the family he has is weird. It made me wonder how my father speaks about us. I am sure he does it with pride but he also speaks about us with remembered pain, hurt, regret…as I often feel when I think about him…

The session emphasized that the family is God’s masterpiece because it is here that we:

a. First experience the love of God

b. Learn how to love

c. Form who we are and solidify our identities

d. relate with others

e. discover our purpose.

Because of the brokenness and woundedness of man, God’s design for the family is not being fulfilled. Instead, society has come to accept unconventional family set ups due to socio-economic and socio-cultural factors.

However, our model family should be the Holy Family. That we ought to follow them because of their:

a. Consistent obedience to His will

b. Steadfast faith

c. Daily devotion to prayer.

It is unfortunate that my family is not like that anymore. Only Nanay and my siblings are living together. Tatay is far away. Few people appreciate families like I do. But because my own family is incomplete, I have seen how wonderful it really is to have a complete and intact family with loving couples ensuring that God’s plan is protected and passed on to the next generation.

Every time I see couples and their children, I often feel envious but then, I would remember and say a prayer for the couple and their kids because the family is really under attack. Who would have thought that our family would break up, even after 20 years of marriage? But it happened because our foundation was weak… because we were too busy surviving that we forgot the Person to whom we owe our survival from….

Like the Sunrise on that first day, I remember how my family’s warmth caressed the beginning moments of my life and how, even as that warmth faded away, it was replaced by the burning love of being in God’s own family.

A Page from my Journal

 

I went to a Carmelite Missionaries search in last August 9, 2015. It was a bittersweet moment. But, here is what I wrote about it in my journal on that date.

Yep, I have been unsure when I started. After the search-in, I suffered from a headache and a feeling of tiredness while I was travelling home. I was depressed, desolate and unhappy… and I was not sure why. I was also afraid and sad.

The SFC Regional Conference 2015 helped clear the cobwebs a bit (more on the mega impact of the RECON later will be posted later though).

Here is an entry I wrote in my journal today…

“It was in the RECON 2015 that I have decided to be honest with myself. I also want to get married someday. I also want to have a family of my own. A husband who will love and cherished me in the way God intended a man to cherish and love a woman.

I long for that physical, actual emotional manifestation of the Lord's love in another person. The only bad thing about this is that I have a specific person in mind. And I know it should not be this way. I know I should wait for the special someone God has given to me…

I was going to be honest. I still liked the Carmelite Missionaries. I like the idea that there are sisters who have given their lives fully to the Lord. In fact, I would have loved it if I felt called in that way too.

However, if I insist on this vocation despite the discomforts I have been feeling, I would be very dishonest. I did not feel comfortable during the Carmelite Missionaries Search In. I felt pressured and upset and dissatisfied and bothered which is completely unlike that strengthened, nourished and enriched feeling I get from SFC Teachings, Conferences and Household Prayer meetings.

As I was travelling home that day, I felt drained. I suffered from a terrible head ache. I was upset and I could not settle down. I felt tired… the whole week after that, I struggled terribly from my usual addictions… I felt haunted and hunted.

Everything eased a little after our SFC Evangelization and CLP Training the Sunday after the Carmelite Search In. The community reminded me to stop stressing, to be faithful and to believe in the promises of the Lord.

Still, I felt frightened by the lack of security in the future I am envisioning for myself. Realizing you really don't feel called is rather embarrassing and disappointing. I was not really happy during the search in, I felt so self-conscious (this is the reason why I intended to finish the search-in in the first place. I needed to make sure that this is how I felt).

I am afraid because I have always used the religious vocation as an alternative to the kind of life I truly feared but wanted. I fear commitment and making myself vulnerable to another person because I have trust issues. I don’t know if I am capable of loving another person that much and I fear that when I realize I could, I won’t be able to believe or accept that another person can like or even love me as I am. Not in the romantic sense, no.”

 

So yes, that’s how my vocation discernment is going right now. I really wanted to be sure. But I am in a state of chaos…

However, a dear friend told me to that if I trust the Lord, if I have faith in Him as I claim I have, I will not fret or fear the future like this. Instead, I will hope in His promises and His plans because He is a good God…

God’s Precious People

 

These are my sisters from the community of the CFC-Singles for Christ. Pretty women, loving, generous in their gift of selves to the Lord and to each other… these are the women who walk with me in this journey towards getting to know the Lord better everyday.

And this picture I took from a brother’s facebook post shows our Chapter Assembly today. These are some of the brothers. They join us during Chapter Assemblies. Usually, we have separate household prayer meetings for sisters and brothers. However, in the past couple of months, we have been conducting joint household meetings.

I love this community. This is where I grew in the faith. In this community, I have encountered the Lord often and gotten to know Him up close and personal. I used to value the Talks and the Teachings. Now, however, I have come to value the people.

The other day, I asked God to show me His heart and how He loves ALL people. I felt that today. I did not really feel this during the prayer meeting. In fact, I felt it while reflecting about what happened.

Not more than ten SFC’s attended out meeting today. After our Bible Sharing, we talked about our upcoming Christian Life Program (CLP) while eating lunch prepared by a sister. I felt a little worried about the service team since only nine attended the meeting and I tried to convince myself that God will take care of everything. (He always does anyway).

But, while reflecting about the day, I realized how much I missed the presence of our fun-loving Unit Head who has been absent for quite sometime. Although he sometimes makes jokes at inappropriate times, I realized how his levity actually balances the seriousness of the sisters. I also realized how he has quietly served and provided for all our needs. We also had another brother who used to do all these things for us. Bro. Ahmid served SFC quietly, without fanfare, without asking for titles or labels. He has committed himself to the service and to Christ and loved all of us fully. They were true leaders. Not asking for definitions, titles, recognition… but quietly rendering service as best as they could.

Jesus said this Himself… the last will be first and the first will be last. Bro Nilo and Bro Ahmid embodied servant leadership fully.

This reflection also made me remember all the other SFC members and leaders that came and went in the last five years that I was a member of it. I remember our former Area Coordinator, Sis Tess  and her fiery passion and dedication to service. Her presence was already a power in itself.Then, there is Bro Jay-R, committed, quietly serving too and standing firm on his beliefs welcoming everyone with a warm and open heart. Sis Jejan was my DGL and household head. She is our Asst. Unit Head at present and her heart, her very life of commitment, her walking her talk helped me to grow not only as a Christian and daughter of the Lord but also as a woman. She always had a ready ear to listen, a loving heart to understand and honest lips to tell you where you might have fallen short so you can learn from your errors. Sis Remz, the woman half of our Couple Coordinators, always have a steadying presence. She is the voice of wisdom and reason for the group and her presence has guided us in our journey. Sis Ellen, one of our elder sisters, has always been the voice of wisdom. The depth of her biblical knowledge helped us muddle through the Scripture and her candor and frank nature has always allowed us to confront ourselves, our hidden selves and examine our conscience. Bro Jerome, former Unit Head, also played a huge part in making me see how God moves in each people and how we can always trust in the Lord’s guidance and provisions. His commitment and desire to serve is quite admirable.These were the brothers and sisters who were older than me in the community.

Those who joined the SFC at the same time I did and who are still present are Sis Razel and Bro Kit. Bro Nyor has recently left the community after committedly, constantly and determinedly serving as our Music Ministry Head. Work opportunities in Manila lured our baby brother but he has also joined the community there. I already missed his commitment and zeal and passion to serve despite all odds. Sis Razel is now a household head too and last year, she was our Asst. Team Leader in the CLP. Sis Razel’s struggle and growth over the years has also inspired me and her sweet nature and openness made household meetings enjoyable. She has been my confidant in the community and I tell her secrets and stuff I could not tell anyone. Bro Kit has rejoined the community after a hiatus of two(or three) years. A young man full of wisdom and talent, a lot has been demanded of him upon his return. He has served as Team Leader in the last CLP and he is the team leader again in this year’s CLP. He is a true gentleman to the core and very considerate of others too.I know once he commits himself fully to whatever it is he is doing, he can make things really happen.

The members who came in later were members that we were called to serve during the CLP and they occupy really special places in my heart. They are like children and we are accountable to God in guiding them, in loving them, in being expressions of God’s love to them. I am unable to name all of them since I started serving four years ago but their very lives and their very persons are deeply engraved in my heart. I have invested a little bit of myself in those CLP’s. I once thought I was merely serving out of responsibility. Later on, I started thinking I was serving the Lord. Now, I can feel it. I am not only serving out of responsibility, and not only for the Lord but also for the people He loves… His precious people.

Each of the member of this community plays a definite and vital role not only in the SFC but also in the lives of each other. Missing those who were no longer here and what they have done has made me realize how precious each and every member of the community is, not only in God’s sight but also in each others lives. Each of us are truly God’s amazing gifts to the other. And we anticipate more of God’s love manifesting itself through more members of the community.

We, the CFC-Singles for Christ Passi City Chapter, wholeheartedly, and eagerly anticipates another opportunity of sharing ourselves, our lives and our experiences in our journey of Love with His precious people.

God’s Miracles and our Roles in Them

 

The last time I attended our Lower North Sector Upper Heads Meeting was last March. A lot of conflicts in my schedule and certain emotional and spiritual state issues got in the way. (I probably did not think too much about the value of attending our Upper Heads Meetings).

Last week, I decided that no matter what my emotional or spiritual state is, I am going to attend these Prayer Meetings… it does not matter if they are near or far or if someone is going to travel with me to these parts but I will be attending them anyway.

My desires and decisions were affirmed in our Chapter Assembly and Prayer Meetings for the month of July. Sis Remz said “Unaha lang bala ya ana ka Diyos, indi ka guid magsala.” (Put God first and you will never go wrong).

Why have I failed to attend our upper heads meetings? One reason is I like to say yes to keep the peace at home. Nanay does not like it when I go off to wherever it is I go off for SFC. So, in my desire not to rock the boat, I would just stay at home and sulk. The lack of financial resources is another. I have made a mess of the resources God has given me (that is another story in itself), so I am suffering the consequences now. So sometimes, I can’t go because I do not have the money for the fare. Another reason is the emotional and spiritual state I am in. I have work to do and I am tired have become overused phrases for a long while now.

But, in truth, it’s just my lack of faith and commitment and my laziness that gets in the way. It’s true. God gives you everything you ask from Him especially when the purpose is for His kingdom. It’s just that I do not ask because sometimes, it’s easier to hide in my room and let life run away from me.

But, today I felt deeply affirmed for having attended the Upper Heads meeting. It has always been like this in our Upper Heads meetings. I don’t know exactly what the difference is but after it, I would feel stronger, better, and comforted. I would go home with a lightness and gladness of heart even if I would still be going home to the same problems and issues I left behind in the first place. I just feel spiritually stronger.

Today, I clearly felt God’s consolation and love. I felt His invitation. I realized that invitation has always been there. I felt He has been asking me to serve Him in this way but I have always refused Him because I desired something else, something easier, something I wanted when He wanted something else.

I thought I was an ALS Mobile Teacher because He planned to use ALS as a stepping stone in my rise to a higher position. I did not know that higher position does not mean a promotion along the higher echelons of DepEd. His promotion was something else. He wants me to do what He has done, to walk the path He has walked, to reach out to the people who needs the most, to go out and gather the the lost, the least and the last.

I am a Mobile Teacher not just for show. He led me into this particular work for a reason and it’s not just for me to grow in here. He has a purpose and I am praying that He would help heal my bitterness and my pain so I can be of better use in His miracles…

The Seeker 2.0

 

This is me, coming clean…

In the midst of the chaos of my mind, the flurry of activity around me, the anxiety of my soul, the longings and insecurities and fears of my heart… I was able to hear Him say to me: “Pause for a while… take it slow. Let’s take it slow.”

I was so anxious to rush into things. I was so defensive and all my walls were up. Jealousy, insecurities, fear and the need to take control of things filled me day in and day out. I snatched back the heart I surrendered in His care because things were getting out of hand.

I fell in love. I missed out on a promotion. I got a lot crazy. I came to realize the mistakes of my youth and the regrets were eating out at me. I succumbed to my weaknesses and let my dementia get the better of me. All in all, I was trying to take control of my life so that I could take care of the pain… or in the very least, numb my heart as I did before.

It did not work. It was the heavy streak of jealousy and insecurity that did me in. I am such a good actor that no one could really see what is happening in my heart and its something I can never really share because I do not want to destroy friendships and good relationships when my secret feelings come to light. I want the object of my affection to be happy in his choices. And if it so happens that he likes someone close to my heart, its okay. She’s a good choice for him. She will take good care of him. He is a good choice for her. A steady person who is dependable, one you can trust and rely on… such a pillar of strength has been missing in our lives so far.

I am probably leaving clues around here (and I am keeping my fingers crossed that those significant people won’t be reading this) but yeah, it was love that did me in. And when love is outside the context of its Godly perspective, when we try to love without God in it (probably because we want to preserve a portion of our hearts and our minds and reserve something for ourselves…) we become selfish, our vision narrows, we become jealous…

The other day, I decided to come clean to myself and to God. Yes, I am jealous and denying the jealousy is warping up my thinking. My actions were already unkind and yeah, spiteful. So, I decided to give my heart back to God (and I do not want it back).

In His hands, my heart will be safe. In His care, my heart will be okay. I am no longer sure if I want to pursue becoming a religious sister. Let me be honest here. Wanting to become a religious sister has been my defense mechanism for a long, long time. It kept my heart safe (the image of a princess in an impregnable tower without a charging prince or knight in shining armor). I don’t really feel called. There was and is no sense of being called to be one inside me. I just wanted to feel so special that I made myself believe God chose me for this special vocation. (Being rejected and bypassed and being unnoticed a lot of times for not measuring up or because of your physical appearance, incapacities takes a toll on a vain, female heart. It’s so easy to disregard the need to feel loved and appreciated when you tell them you have reserved your all to the Lord).

I will also be honest in here. I am like all the other girls in the world. I also want to get married someday. I guess for a long time, I resigned myself with the possibility of not being able to get married because of my weight. No guy could ever like a girl like me, I decided. I still won’t believe romantic love can happen to someone like me. And so, I have learned to hide my heart so that it won’t ever feel a man’s rejection.So that it won’t ever be hurt… but,despite all the hiding, love still caught me unawares. And my heart is hurting… since I can’t stand the hurt, I decided to give my heart to God… so He will keep it safe for me.

Maybe, someday, I would also know love in that other sense…Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know what God has in store for me. All I know is, from now on, I am focusing on Him. Getting to know His love. Getting to know Him. If He decides to give my heart to someone, I am sure its because He trusts that this someone will help Him care for my broken, fragile heart.

Maybe, someday….

But for now, Jesus and I will take it slow… as I explore the greatest love story and romance of my life.

The Face in the Pool

 

The title has everything to do with today’s post and not because I found myself looking at some pool (I wish I did). I just found myself encoding a Reading Comprehension Test with that title… and English Reading Comprehension Test…for my ALS learners.

Twelve years ago, I entered the gates of West Visayas State University to start my preparation for a lifetime career as an English teacher. I love English as a language. I love learning about its nuances, its forms, its structures… I especially love all the literatures we studied. It was in the midst of English teachers and those aspiring to become English teachers that my philosophy of education has been formed. The entire learning experience shaped a lot of my beliefs, my ideals, my strange easy acceptance of the world.

I left WVSU as a proficient graduate and future English teacher (yes, I am that confident).

Then, five years ago, I found myself (sometime around this month or so too) rolling all over our floor, crying, thinking and pondering deeply. I was already a secondary school English teacher for three years back then, contracted with the Local School Board of our Local Government Unit and assigned to teach in my Alma Mater – Passi National High School. However, it was not a national item and for a teacher, teaching in a public school is a must, a necessity to safeguard not only one’s future but that of her family’s.

An offer I could not resist was placed before me. There was an item for an ALS Mobile Teacher. Back then, I was also working under contract with the ALS service provider in our division as an Instructional Manager, teaching out of school youth and adults. It took me months to ponder that decision. I told myself that when I make this leap, there would be no going back. I told myself that it would still be “teaching” and teaching is really the one I love… it does not matter what I teach as long as I am teaching. I still cried, because it also meant I would be giving up something I love too. It’s like loving marriage but getting married to a person you do not love and expecting that you will just learn to love him in the end.

On January 4, 2010, I became an ALS Mobile Teacher.

And now, honestly, I am hurting. It took a reading exercise in a Grade 6 book to open the wound that I have kept bandaged for four years. I feel so hurt now, so disappointed with what I have become. I feel so sad and I keep thinking about what I told myself five years ago. I told myself that whatever decision I made, I would never regret it.

And here I am, wondering if I am actually regretting the decision I made.

What I Want to Tell You

 

Dear Heaven,

Photo Credit: somewhere on the internet (sorry)

I just want to tell you and the rest of the world, that I am not okay. I am hurting. I am filled with anger, pain, resentment, guilt and dark passions I can’t handle.

Right now, I do not want to listen to anybody. Right now, I can feel myself retreating deeper, far away from the possibility of anyone finding out the truth and rejecting me. You put up a strong façade. You put up a smile. You continue to attend household meetings and hear the mass when deep inside, you know, you know somewhere, your faith has been fractured. It has wavered in the face of so many stuff you have to deal with in the past few months. Stuff you refused to look into properly. Frightening things you kept hidden because you can’t stand to look into them.

You want them to see that you are strong. You're not that strong! You want to convince them your good. We both know you are not good at all. Sometimes, I am sick and tired of your pontifications that I often wonder where they all come from!

You keep listening to what your mind tells us. But, haven’t you notice that it is only echoing what it has read, heard and seen? Why is your theology not making any impact on me at all? Because I cannot feel it!

Your faith in God and His goodness is intact. But, I wonder, have you convinced me of it? You paint me out as the one at fault all the time. You keep pointing out that I am evil!. Your mind does not care about me at all.

Love comes from me. Not from your mind. It comes from me. You know, God cares more about me than you ever did or ever will. Why won’t you even listen to us? Why do you keep listening to your mind and to other people? You can’t do it on your own, no.

I don’t feel the right things? It’s because you never cared to talk about them with me.  You bond with your brain more than you ever bonded with me. You pay attention to what your mind tells you. But have you ever listened to me? You keep me hidden. You keep me chained, locked and even managed to lose the key!

I embarrass you a lot don’t I? It hurts me that you think that way. It pains me that you have not even given me a shed of respect and affection. You just lock me in, like a dirty little secret.

Don’t you know that I also want to know Him? I also want you to tell me about Him? I also want to love Him with all of me as well. Why won’t you let me respond to His love? Why won’t you allow me to love Him? I may not know how, but if you let me, I would. I know I would.

I hope you will listen to me, this time. I know this is the first time I told you these things. This is the first time you listened to me. I long for Him just as much or maybe more than you know how to. I hope you will continue to allow me to tell you these things. You and your mind needs to know about these.

I need you to surrender me to Him.

                                                                                             Yours,

                                                               Your Heart

What Went Unsaid

 

Image from: https://www.facebook.com/digitalchristian

Today, I just announced on Facebook that I plan on quitting it for a while. I have been trying to do that for several months now but the need to be connected, to see what others are doing, what they may be thinking, to share this “awesome” part of me that just screams to be shared… these are the reasons that stop me every time I decide to quit.

I am a certified Facebook junkie. If I had the beauty and the body, I probably would be posting ‘selfies’ too. All I have is my brainy-brag moments. I just love to brag!(and not in a good way too).

However, Facebook sometimes depresses me. Every time I see negative status updates, war declarations, petty quarrels, and angry tirades, I just feel depress all the time.Every time I see people my age post pictures of their babies, handsome husbands and pretty wives (of course they are beautiful people, they found partners after all)I just feel pea-green with jealousy. Pictures of travels to foreign places just make me downright envious that often, I would feel bad for myself. And I would end up crying myself to sleep all because good ol’ me has not left the Philippines after all (and yes, I would forget to pray too).

For the past years, Facebook has become an open journal of certain thoughts I don’t share to people personally. What I could have told my learners, friends, my brothers and sisters,co-workers,  I end up posting to the whole world – and those words don’t mean much to those who read them and those who matter don’t always end up reading them.

I believe I just replaced my book addiction with online addiction. And I don’t feel alive doing that. I just feel like I need my Facebook fix or else…

But there’s the good side to Facebook too. The pages and posts dedicated to Christ always uplift my soul. I would miss them. I would miss my Facebook friends whom I stalk simply because I want to witness their secret relationship with the Lord and I want to see what make them so different from mere weak mortals like me. I would miss posting my thoughts too and believing that my little ideas, insights and realizations are making a difference in someone else’s life just as what the Facebook posts of those Ate’s and Kuya’s from SFC has done with my days.

I would miss the soul-inspiring digital works of art from several Facebook pages too. They enliven my desktop every day.

I would still keep blogging but for now, I long to spend time with the One who matters and its definitely not Zuckey’s baby.

God’s Gifts and Love Ripples

I guess I can’t help it. I used to spend valentines day and its aftermath being too busy to ponder or think. With my sore eyes, I can’t do that. And my family forced me to quarantine myself for two days now.
I spent the day after my 29th valentine’s day thinking: I think I found him. I found the guy that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I found my so called “ideal man”. And I know I will not do anything about it (not after the rejected 4th grade love letter nor the early adulthood fan mail).

He is someone I met in 2012 when I was not hoping to meet anyone, just the miracle of a life that is going to change for the better.I tempered the feelings and admired him from a distance. I was determined to just admire and not feel anything.

The first time I met him, he did not really impress me until he started talking. I know and feel he will understand me and understand the struggles I was going through. I like his honesty, his maturity and his love of family. I admire his zeal and love and focus and passion for God. I know I would love talking to him and he would be able to understand me.

This man inspired me. When I think about him, I feel good inside. I like knowing he is there and that my ideal is not impossible after all. I did once say I would know if I meet the one I would want to marry right? I was right. I did say I will never just “settle” right? And I probably never will.

He and I are unlike in many ways. He loves freely, he can cook, he is gregarious and spontaneous and open whilst I still lurk in the shadows, fearful of love, doubtful of human nature and distrustful of a whole host of things. He is beyond my reach at all. I know about him and he does not know about me. He lives in another region and I don’t know if I will ever see him again.I like knowing he has a reserved space in his heart for the woman who will be his wife someday. He is very conscious of this partner who will enter his life in the future. Whoever she is, she is very lucky and blessed to have a husband who would honor his vows, who will raise a family he will lead to God, who would love and cherish the woman he marries till his dying day. His sons and daughters would be very blessed to have him as a father. This is how I admire him so!

He deserves a woman who will complement him. Who will take care of him, love him, be loyal to him and share his passion, love and commitment.  And I am praying that he will find her. Few men would say they wanted to get married, but he is very eager for his very own God’s gift. God, it just hurts a bit to think about it. Me, praying like this. I would pray that He set him aside for me but I am not the one for him. Sad to say, my ideal man has a perfectly different ideal woman in mind.

This is reality.

He is waiting for his God’s gift while I keep wondering if God has something as good for me.