A Page from my Journal

 

I went to a Carmelite Missionaries search in last August 9, 2015. It was a bittersweet moment. But, here is what I wrote about it in my journal on that date.

Yep, I have been unsure when I started. After the search-in, I suffered from a headache and a feeling of tiredness while I was travelling home. I was depressed, desolate and unhappy… and I was not sure why. I was also afraid and sad.

The SFC Regional Conference 2015 helped clear the cobwebs a bit (more on the mega impact of the RECON later will be posted later though).

Here is an entry I wrote in my journal today…

“It was in the RECON 2015 that I have decided to be honest with myself. I also want to get married someday. I also want to have a family of my own. A husband who will love and cherished me in the way God intended a man to cherish and love a woman.

I long for that physical, actual emotional manifestation of the Lord's love in another person. The only bad thing about this is that I have a specific person in mind. And I know it should not be this way. I know I should wait for the special someone God has given to me…

I was going to be honest. I still liked the Carmelite Missionaries. I like the idea that there are sisters who have given their lives fully to the Lord. In fact, I would have loved it if I felt called in that way too.

However, if I insist on this vocation despite the discomforts I have been feeling, I would be very dishonest. I did not feel comfortable during the Carmelite Missionaries Search In. I felt pressured and upset and dissatisfied and bothered which is completely unlike that strengthened, nourished and enriched feeling I get from SFC Teachings, Conferences and Household Prayer meetings.

As I was travelling home that day, I felt drained. I suffered from a terrible head ache. I was upset and I could not settle down. I felt tired… the whole week after that, I struggled terribly from my usual addictions… I felt haunted and hunted.

Everything eased a little after our SFC Evangelization and CLP Training the Sunday after the Carmelite Search In. The community reminded me to stop stressing, to be faithful and to believe in the promises of the Lord.

Still, I felt frightened by the lack of security in the future I am envisioning for myself. Realizing you really don't feel called is rather embarrassing and disappointing. I was not really happy during the search in, I felt so self-conscious (this is the reason why I intended to finish the search-in in the first place. I needed to make sure that this is how I felt).

I am afraid because I have always used the religious vocation as an alternative to the kind of life I truly feared but wanted. I fear commitment and making myself vulnerable to another person because I have trust issues. I don’t know if I am capable of loving another person that much and I fear that when I realize I could, I won’t be able to believe or accept that another person can like or even love me as I am. Not in the romantic sense, no.”

 

So yes, that’s how my vocation discernment is going right now. I really wanted to be sure. But I am in a state of chaos…

However, a dear friend told me to that if I trust the Lord, if I have faith in Him as I claim I have, I will not fret or fear the future like this. Instead, I will hope in His promises and His plans because He is a good God…

Broken Pieces of Me

 

I don’t ever know why I ever make prayers that eventually hurt me… and the weird thing is God always hears those kind of prayers. I mean why doesn’t He listen when I ask Him for a promotion, a raise, a gadget I would have wanted to possess, freedom to travel, financial freedom and stuff like that?

Probably because He knows they won’t be good for me. Well, I do know that God only gives me the things that are good for me even if I do not agree with Him at the moment.

You see, yesterday (or maybe it was earlier), I prayed that God would show me what is wrong with my heart. I asked Him to reveal to me my sinful nature… and He did. And I feel so devastated by the extent of helplessness I feel over my own inner wickedness.

I am wicked at heart. My heart is filled with jealousy and rebelliousness. Every time I feel unloved by the people I care about, I throw a jealous tantrum. I just want to escape and whenever this is not possible, I become angry, resentful and I really am capable of expressing it.

Deep inside, I am a jealous person because I am insecure, very insecure. Deep inside, I do not trust other people to love me or care for me as much as I know I can care for or love them… I don’t really believe I can be loved. Because every time I let myself believed I can be loved, I end up feeling hurt or disappointed. I know God loves me but at times like this, I realized that wallowing in self-pity is easier than confronting how much I distrust the God I said I love.

I fear the Lord. I do not trust Him enough. I am afraid of His plans because even when I know that His plans are always good (yes, even His plans for me), I am not very sure that I would come to like His plans for me.

This is the reason why I was able to hide my hearts desires from myself. This is why, up to this point, I am always ambivalent and unsure of what I want. This is why I am able to complacently go with the flow and just grin and bear it (even grind my teeth while doing so). This is why I have grown so numb, why I have developed a lot of addictions that tear away at my body, my heart, my mind and my soul.

Ask me what I want to do with my life and myself and I will not be able to tell you because I feel afraid. I am afraid that once I learn what I truly want, God would discover my hearts’ desires and deny these things from me.

The funny thing is, I also know He knows them already. Even as I unconsciously refuse to acknowledge the things I desire, He already knows them. And He is not doing anything to keep me away from those things…There is nothing wrong with Him and everything is wrong with me, with my weak, human, fearful and distrustful heart.

I fear the Lord’s love and I do not trust His love. There is nothing wrong with His love and everything is wrong with mine.

It’s funny how I watch all other peoples’ lives flourish even as I secretly pray for good things for them and I wonder if others are even praying for me too.

In the religious community I am a member of, I have a sister whose boyfriend is also one of the brothers (I do pray that their relationship will flourish beautifully and be richly blessed by the Lord).  The other members teasingly mentioned that Sis **** is the prayer warrior of Bro ****. I joined in the teasing but I came to realize there is a truth in this too.

I wonder, who is praying for me too? Do I have no one? I come from a family of broken people. I am not sure what goes on in their private prayer lives. Mine is a mess, to be honest. (But we will talk about that in another blog entry). So, I wonder, does anyone pray for me? Or am I such an easy person to dismiss that no one can even recall me in their prayers (if you can see me now, staring before the screen, typing crazily, while tears are streaming down my face…it’s almost funny, and yes, there’s snot too).

I don’t want to think that way but I have that fear… I don’t feel important or significant in the lives of others. I don’t feel like I matter. I don’t feel valued. I feel like something of a burden. I feel like an intruder. Sometimes, I stay out of people’s way so I won’t be a bother.

Yes, this is what goes on in my heart. You see me smile but deep inside, I am this broken. You see me trying to be strong and keep it all together, but deep inside, this is the mess that I am.

I know only He can heal me from my own brokenness. He is the only One who can make me whole. I wonder, have I ever really known wholeness? The fragmented broken pieces of myself is scattered all over and He is picking up the pieces, dusting them away, washing the grime and the first with His own blood… pierced by the broken pieces of me as He resolutely pieced them together again.

One day, I will be made whole and on that day, my love for Him will be perfect, pure and true as my heart is washed clean of its wickedness and darkness and made clean and pure.

I long for that day.

Create in me, O God, a pure heart;

Give me a new and steadfast spirit.

Do not cast me out of Your presence

nor take your Holy Spirit from me.

                      - Psalm 51:12-13

Inside Out: The Truth about Me

 

I would not call this a movie review of Pixar’s movie, Inside Out. I watched it last night and ended up crying in inappropriate moments. Yeah, I just had to use my earphones to block out the rest of the world and surreptitiously check to make sure no one is around to question my tears.

I guess I felt these emotions strongly because I came to certain realizations. But let’s talk about the movie first before I tell you why I cried buckets of tears “in the middle of a colored cartoon”…

The movie shows a fascinating portrayal of what went on inside Riley’s head and how the gamut of really simple emotions inside headquarters created a mess that led to that point where I found myself crying a bucket.

It started with Joy, pleasant, slim, pretty and always perky Joy who, in a really selfish manner, refused to allow her fellow “emotion”, Sadness, to touch the memories because she feared that Sadness will make Riley, well, sad… Sadness is my favorite “emotion” right from the start.

While I was walking around the cinema lanes at Robinson’s Place (or was it SM City, I forgot), two months ago, I found myself drawn to the screen showing a trailer of Inside Out. I thought I was a lot like Sadness, physically and well, emotionally… Sadness was just sad… the weak voice of reason when compared to Joy’s bubbly effervescent personality.

But, there were also other emotions. There was Fear, purple-colored Fear who kept Riley safe. There was Anger who made sure that Riley always got what she wanted. And there was Disgust, slimy colored Disgust who prevented Riley from being poisoned, physically and socially.

When Joy and Sadness were sucked out of headquarters (and I blame Joy’s one-track mind for it), everything went haywire. Well, imagine what would happen when the only emotions you can feel are Fear, Anger and Disgust… and all this during one major event in your life?

What Riley knew about life and herself were suddenly destroyed. I know how that felt. Riley suddenly found herself arguing with her Father (Anger’s fault), and stealing money from her mother to pay for a bus ticket to go back to their old place. The three emotions left at headquarters panicked when they could no longer make Riley feel anything.

And it can happen. When everything in your world has been turned up side down and inside out and truth turned to lies and what was once reliable has let you down, you start feeling numb.It happened to me and  I too, lost touch of all emotion. I was unable to feel anything. Nothing could reach me. I guess I survived because I numbed my heart… if not for that, I probably would have done something drastic when all that was left that could deal with the pain was anger.

I was angry for a long, long time and I could not let go of that anger because it would hurt me if I do. Years after my parents break-up, I still continued to hide my emotions. The night everything went haywire, I almost committed suicide. Joy left me. I refused to entertain Sadness because I did not want to appear weak. I probably could not handle her and no one was around to help me handle her. I was alone. All I had were fear, disgust, anger.And the consoles just would not respond properly.

I don’t know where I am now at my journey. I think I am still an emotional mess but because I joined the CFC-SFC, I started feeling Joy and Sadness along with Hope, Faith, and Love.Anger, Disgust and Fear are still there but they are starting to get themselves in their proper perspectives (and yes, we have a weekend retreat about them too in The Christian and His Emotions).

I guess I cried because I know how Riley felt or did not feel while she was riding that bus. And the whole movie just made me realize how I managed to avoid confronting my feelings and how unhealthy it is to do so.

I am really clueless when it comes to emotions. I don’t know how to react. I have a flight or fight response and in most instances, the “flight” response often wins. I have a lot of escape plans and because of them, I have developed unhealthy habits and certain addictions.

I know at my age, I ought to be a little mature about it but honestly, I am still figuring out where all the pieces fit. I am quite hopeful since I have the best Tutor for it.

I can cry all I want with Him. I can be myself with Him. I can be angry, happy, and cranky with Him and He will always know how to handle me in my emotional mess so that eventually, faith, hope and love will win in the end.

All photos in this entry are not mine.

Faith: The Beginning

 

Now we have faith, hope and love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.c- 1 Corinthians 13:13

A serious seeker may have gone through a similar path,I will never really know.But, I did. I went from faith, to hope and then now, I’m getting to know love as a verb and a noun at the same time.

I remember my prayer when I first joined the CFC-Singles for Christ. I asked for faith.

My faith, back then, was primeval. It was the faith of a child who thought she must do good works so that she will be loved.

I thought God’s love is a conditional kind of love.

My faith was very weak. God knows how weak it was and how I constantly question everything around me.

I was very distrustful and controlling and I expected God to hurt me and fail me all the time. I had a lot of questions too and I never really accepted the easy answers to them. I had to know and I had to be sure, that was my mantra.

During the Christian Life Program (CLP), I asked our Discussion Group Leader (DGL) about how I can have more faith in God. My faith was minuscule. It was probably microscopic at best. She gave me one pat answer: Pray for it.

It was probably not the right thing to say to a doubting Thomas. Because praying needs faith. And I could not pray very well especially when I am not sure the one I was praying to was paying any attention to me. He doesn’t seem to be listening to me back then.

I did pray for it though. No matter how intelligent you are, no matter how you rationalize things, God will always defeat you. I could not win this battle without surrendering to the greater wisdom of God. I can’t find answers to my questions in books, to the people I talked to (and yes, I talked to many helpful Christians from many denominations and still, their answers did not make any sense).

Nothing was wrong with all their answers. I was in the wrong. I was looking at everything not with the eyes of faith, thus, I cannot comprehend them at all. I was trying to understand the beautiful mystery of the Lord with the world’s knowledge.

So, I prayed for faith. And I received what I prayed for. The faith that He gave me continues to grow stronger everyday. There are times when I weaken, when I forget, and then, I would try to control my surroundings or escape with a quick fix.

But, the microscopic seed is growing, especially if its is continuously nourished and fed with His word, with communal worship, with the Sacraments.

Faith was only the beginning. And just like modern teachers, God taught me faith in spiral progression, along with hope and love.

The Seeker 2.0

 

This is me, coming clean…

In the midst of the chaos of my mind, the flurry of activity around me, the anxiety of my soul, the longings and insecurities and fears of my heart… I was able to hear Him say to me: “Pause for a while… take it slow. Let’s take it slow.”

I was so anxious to rush into things. I was so defensive and all my walls were up. Jealousy, insecurities, fear and the need to take control of things filled me day in and day out. I snatched back the heart I surrendered in His care because things were getting out of hand.

I fell in love. I missed out on a promotion. I got a lot crazy. I came to realize the mistakes of my youth and the regrets were eating out at me. I succumbed to my weaknesses and let my dementia get the better of me. All in all, I was trying to take control of my life so that I could take care of the pain… or in the very least, numb my heart as I did before.

It did not work. It was the heavy streak of jealousy and insecurity that did me in. I am such a good actor that no one could really see what is happening in my heart and its something I can never really share because I do not want to destroy friendships and good relationships when my secret feelings come to light. I want the object of my affection to be happy in his choices. And if it so happens that he likes someone close to my heart, its okay. She’s a good choice for him. She will take good care of him. He is a good choice for her. A steady person who is dependable, one you can trust and rely on… such a pillar of strength has been missing in our lives so far.

I am probably leaving clues around here (and I am keeping my fingers crossed that those significant people won’t be reading this) but yeah, it was love that did me in. And when love is outside the context of its Godly perspective, when we try to love without God in it (probably because we want to preserve a portion of our hearts and our minds and reserve something for ourselves…) we become selfish, our vision narrows, we become jealous…

The other day, I decided to come clean to myself and to God. Yes, I am jealous and denying the jealousy is warping up my thinking. My actions were already unkind and yeah, spiteful. So, I decided to give my heart back to God (and I do not want it back).

In His hands, my heart will be safe. In His care, my heart will be okay. I am no longer sure if I want to pursue becoming a religious sister. Let me be honest here. Wanting to become a religious sister has been my defense mechanism for a long, long time. It kept my heart safe (the image of a princess in an impregnable tower without a charging prince or knight in shining armor). I don’t really feel called. There was and is no sense of being called to be one inside me. I just wanted to feel so special that I made myself believe God chose me for this special vocation. (Being rejected and bypassed and being unnoticed a lot of times for not measuring up or because of your physical appearance, incapacities takes a toll on a vain, female heart. It’s so easy to disregard the need to feel loved and appreciated when you tell them you have reserved your all to the Lord).

I will also be honest in here. I am like all the other girls in the world. I also want to get married someday. I guess for a long time, I resigned myself with the possibility of not being able to get married because of my weight. No guy could ever like a girl like me, I decided. I still won’t believe romantic love can happen to someone like me. And so, I have learned to hide my heart so that it won’t ever feel a man’s rejection.So that it won’t ever be hurt… but,despite all the hiding, love still caught me unawares. And my heart is hurting… since I can’t stand the hurt, I decided to give my heart to God… so He will keep it safe for me.

Maybe, someday, I would also know love in that other sense…Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know what God has in store for me. All I know is, from now on, I am focusing on Him. Getting to know His love. Getting to know Him. If He decides to give my heart to someone, I am sure its because He trusts that this someone will help Him care for my broken, fragile heart.

Maybe, someday….

But for now, Jesus and I will take it slow… as I explore the greatest love story and romance of my life.

Routines, Responsibilities and Selfish Servitude

 

While you live searching for meaning, there is this one guy (representative of the many probably) in the world whose wasting his time and millions in selfish, self-serving pursuits, offending people with his very lifestyle and not caring a whit.

I used to find Dan Bilzerian fascinating. His very lifestyle appealed to the rebellious, dark streak I had - the side that read erotic romance novels. He was the epitome of the heroes I met (except for the I-don’t-care-attitude) in those paranormal romance novels (I kept imagining him in place of Dragos, the dragon tycoon, yes, dragon, from Thea Harrison’s novel, Dragon Bound).

I know Dragos and his ilk do not exist in real life. But since my imagination is poor, while reading Dragon Bound, I kept putting Dan Bilzerian in his place… and the heroine? I had the image of someone like that girl from Tekken  ( I know I need to brush up on my imagination and pay attention to details when reading and no, I am not one of those girl who imagine myself in place of the heroines, I don’t have the guts. The heroes and heroines just become my friends and well, I haven’t read much novels with fat heroines in them, so I really, really can’t imagine away).

I keep thinking how lucky he is to have that much money to waste away while I turn over all my earnings to send my younger siblings to school. I even have to scrape the meager amount of money I have left to photocopy learning materials for my learners and yeah, still have some left for my favorite street food, at the end of the day. Every lunchtime I go home to feed our pets and spend time with our cat and her kittens, I keep thinking that if I had his money, I would build a home conducive to pets where I can let them loose and they can play their hearts away and I would not have to worry that they might slip outside and get run over by vehicles.

I find myself wondering why he is doing what he is doing. And then I would ask why am I doing what I am doing? What do I do? I wake up late (because I read late into the night trying to escape my problems and reality), rush to our Community Learning Center and conduct learning sessions with my out-of-school youth learners, and buy squid balls and japanese siomai after class to make myself feel better. Then, I would go home and feed the cats and dogs. Go back to work on session plans, learning materials, and sometimes, work on reports requested by our supervisor and paper stuff requested by the City or hold tutorial sessions. Then, before my family comes home from work or school (I still live with my family), I have to clean up the house, wash the dishes and make sure everything's okay. Then I would go up to my room to sleep or read or just putter around, trying to run away from the frustration that this is not the life I want to live. By Saturday, I would waste an entire day reading away, escaping. On Sunday, I would force myself to go to Mass and attend the Singles for Christ’s prayer meetings and activities. Then, we would repeat everything else on Monday. I do things out of routine and responsibility.

And then, I find myself online staring at amazing, titillating photos that Dan Bilzerian would post on his twitter account and think, wow, what a waste. Waste of resources, waste of time (time especially), waste of human life, created in God’s image and doing things it is not supposed to do… and he does not care at all!

Am I bitter? Am I jealous? Did his lifestyle made mine pale in comparison? Here’s a man doing what he wants for himself and here I am doing what others want me to do. What is the difference? Both lives are still a waste. I do things selflessly, it may appear, but deep inside, I feel bitter, joyless. I just keep doing it for appearances sake, for responsibility’s sake, which is not how life was meant to be.I try to escape the pain of living for others by reading and eating too much. Sometimes, I also sleep too much because I know, deep inside, I am wasting my life.

There’s nothing wrong with doing things for other people but doing so because you feel guilty, or because you can’t say no for fear of offending them and then feel bad about everything you had to do is the wrong thing. Trying to escape that situation by reading, eating and sleeping my life away is also the wrong things.

Passion is the answer. A passion for life, for God, for His people. A love for them moving inside your soul, extending from within you, making your limbs move to serve, out of love, out of joy, out of concern, not out of routine and responsibility.This one is healthy.

What should I live for? I have no final answer or answers for this question but in the meantime, I have these:

1. I live for my family 

I live for my brothers and sisters and my parents…to provide them with a better way of life than what they could have without me.

2. I live for my learners 

I live to encourage and inspire them to be the best self that they can become even at those points when no one would want to believe in them

3. I live for my Father in Heaven

God loves me so much that He made me. It was His love that enabled me to be alive and it is this love that I hold on for living. I may stumble and fall, I may sometimes get lost in this journey, but I live with the clear awareness and knowledge that I am journeying towards something and that is Him.

4. I live for His people

God loves His people. He created man out of the enormity of that love. In our Christian Life Program, I learned that the ten commandments are summarized into two: (1) Love God with all your heart, soul and strength and (2) Love your neighbor as you love yourself. It is important for us to love ourselves too because that is the measurement of the kind of love we can give another person, our neighbor, the person in need that we encounter in our lives.

Back to Dan Bilzerian. Who am I to judge his life or lifestyle? Who are we indeed? I believe that eventually, all of us will answer to Someone, and that Someone has already told us what He wanted from us right from the start. It’s up to us to use what He has given us. But we would eventually answer to Him, in the end.

But to the judgmental side of ourselves who wants to decide on the time and place of reckoning ourselves, here’s a timely reminder:

 

Yep. And I thank the Lord for that timely reminder too.

Life as You Planned It

 

I am a planner by nature. I like making to do list. I also like making daily “want” list. I have plans for one year, plans for the next five years, plans for the next ten years and hopeful aspirations for the remaining years of my life.

I have plans for myself, plans for my family, plans for work, plans for everything. I told you I like plans.

When my supervisor tells me to do work plans and action plans, my soul is thrilled. I can’t wait to challenge my imagination regarding how I want the future to be.

The problem with planning (and yes, there is a problem with planning especially at the end of the planned period) is that plans rarely materialize. Some of what you planned will happen but often, they happen in ways you least planned them to be. Some of what you planned never happens. And when you care, you get hurt and disappointed – a lot.

Lesson/Session plans are also the same story. Sometimes your plans are realized. Sometimes, they are not. Like right now, while waiting for my learners to arrive, I can’t help but feel disappointed because they actually failed to come. Only one learner came and we cannot do the lesson I have planned… not alone. So, I need to do something else for her… which is not in my plan at all.

Life never goes according to our plans. They seldom do. However, planning is still a good thing. It makes you understand what you want for the future and how you want it to be. I just have to learn not to get too immersed in planning because I just might be missing the point of living.

So, what’s on my plan today?

1. To live life to its fullest today.

2. To feel and really feel but not be overwhelmed or controlled by emotions.

3. To enjoy the moment!

4. To live this world a better and brighter place than it was before I came into it today.

5. To bask in God’s love every moment.

What Went Unsaid

 

Image from: https://www.facebook.com/digitalchristian

Today, I just announced on Facebook that I plan on quitting it for a while. I have been trying to do that for several months now but the need to be connected, to see what others are doing, what they may be thinking, to share this “awesome” part of me that just screams to be shared… these are the reasons that stop me every time I decide to quit.

I am a certified Facebook junkie. If I had the beauty and the body, I probably would be posting ‘selfies’ too. All I have is my brainy-brag moments. I just love to brag!(and not in a good way too).

However, Facebook sometimes depresses me. Every time I see negative status updates, war declarations, petty quarrels, and angry tirades, I just feel depress all the time.Every time I see people my age post pictures of their babies, handsome husbands and pretty wives (of course they are beautiful people, they found partners after all)I just feel pea-green with jealousy. Pictures of travels to foreign places just make me downright envious that often, I would feel bad for myself. And I would end up crying myself to sleep all because good ol’ me has not left the Philippines after all (and yes, I would forget to pray too).

For the past years, Facebook has become an open journal of certain thoughts I don’t share to people personally. What I could have told my learners, friends, my brothers and sisters,co-workers,  I end up posting to the whole world – and those words don’t mean much to those who read them and those who matter don’t always end up reading them.

I believe I just replaced my book addiction with online addiction. And I don’t feel alive doing that. I just feel like I need my Facebook fix or else…

But there’s the good side to Facebook too. The pages and posts dedicated to Christ always uplift my soul. I would miss them. I would miss my Facebook friends whom I stalk simply because I want to witness their secret relationship with the Lord and I want to see what make them so different from mere weak mortals like me. I would miss posting my thoughts too and believing that my little ideas, insights and realizations are making a difference in someone else’s life just as what the Facebook posts of those Ate’s and Kuya’s from SFC has done with my days.

I would miss the soul-inspiring digital works of art from several Facebook pages too. They enliven my desktop every day.

I would still keep blogging but for now, I long to spend time with the One who matters and its definitely not Zuckey’s baby.

In No Man’s Land: An SFC ICON I am going to Miss

 

The CFC-Singles for Christ is set to have it’s International Conference (ICON) for 2014 at Cagayan de Oro. All I know about the SFC ICON is that all SFC’s in the Philippines would gather at one place to worship God. There would be talks/workshops, consultations with religious sisters, confessions and other stuff I have not heard about.

I was hoping to attend. I was looking forward to it. But, my mother thinks of Mindanao as a no man’s land. She has allowed me to attend seminars to Baguio, Tagaytay, Manila, Cebu, Bacolod but she will never allow me to go to Mindanao. Not even for work reasons and especially not for ICON.

She has something against the place. We have relatives in Mindanao. My grandfather once worked there. My Uncle spent a year or two with our relatives there. If providence allowed it, Nanay’s family would have settled in Mindanao. Lolo just got homesick so he returned home instead.

Now, I would have wanted to have my first ICON in this no man’s land. But Nanay was adamant.

Here are the workshops posted by one SFC leader in the SFC Global Iloilo page.  The workshops just make me drool.

 

I would have wanted to register in the following workshops:

1. Dip into the Deep – 8:00 AM – 12:00 PM; and

2. Personality Plus – 1:00 PM – 4:00 PM or

* Amidst the Storm – 1:00 PM – 4:00 PM or

* Road to the Future – 1:00 PM – 4:00 PM

---

I feel a little lonely over this.I know a lot of people are wondering why I am so dependent on my mother. Let me tell you the truth: I am not dependent on my mother. Nanay knows how strong-willed I am. She knows how head strong I am. I think we both know that if I leave, there really would be no looking back for me. And that will break my mother’s heart, because I know Nanay is the one who depends on me. She trusts me, she believes that I got her back, that I will be there for her. (But a time will come when she will know that even if I am not with her, there is One who has her everything, but the time is not yet now.)

I don’t want to break her heart. I only have one Nanay and despite what people know, my mother has done her best for us. I understand the shortcomings and I am not in a position to judge her actions. I am solely responsible for my decision and choice to listen to my mother’s counsel. Jesus waited until He was thirty. I could wait too.

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Photo Credits: CFC facebook page; SFC facebook page

The Best Lesson I Learned in Graduate School

 

I go to Graduate School at West Visayas State University. I took up Master of Arts in Education (Language Teaching in English) last 2009 at the WVSU College of Education Graduate School.

I was a Secondary School English teacher then in a national high school in our place. I was feeling as if my brain was literally decaying so I felt the need to go to Graduate School.

Unfortunately, when I transferred in the Alternative Learning System (ALS), everything changed. I had classes on Saturdays and Sundays. My new job description does not connect with my courses in Grad School. I quit two years ago and never looked back until my mother pointed out that I was messing up with my records.I really was. I have several INC. because of unfinished courses. And I had to retake not less than three courses this year.

It’s my last Academic Year and I have a full load this semester, including one tutorial course. My work is still not connected with my courses.I did not like going back to Graduate School.  Every Saturday, I just force myself to attend my 7:30 – 1:30 classes and my tutorial sessions after that…. Until last Saturday that is.

Last Saturday, our recently widowed Phonology teacher put her foot down. I know I was taking her course for granted (although last semester, I learned a lot from her because she asked a lot from us). I can’t help it. Some things take priority over work I don’t much care about. And I can feel she sensed that. She has been feeling me up for a few weeks, really noticing my absences and tardiness from her 7:30 Am class.

I came in about two hours late for her class, unprepared for the Midterm exams and literally exhausted even as I conversed with God who, I know, was not listening to my excuses. (Well, when you keep blaming Him for being late, what will you get?)

My teacher refused to give me the exam. Instead, she asked me to return next week to get the exam and write a letter explaining why I was late.

I know, at our age, as mature adults who are already working, she should not be asking that. But, I am glad Dr. Dela Llana put her foot down last Saturday. I felt embarrassed over what happened, but as a fellow teacher, I understand her predicament. What right have I to ask just as much from my own learners when I cannot give the same kind of respect to my own teachers?

I know she wanted what was best for me. I know by doing so, she is also risking a lot – she maybe labeled as very strict, as inconsiderate. But what she did was actually kind. I don’t blame her. She gave my a much needed wake up call.

She can forgive me yes, but I have to suffer the consequences of certain actions.

You cannot succeed by making excuses for yourself. You maybe forgiven for your sins, mistakes and errors but you will always have to face the consequences of your actions, especially if a lot of other people are involved. 

Inspired

 

 

Joselito, one of my Elementary Level learners, wrote this essay last year. I was touched by what he has written. He works in his uncle’s junk shop and lives with his grand mother. At his age, he still helped his mother.

These are the things that break my heart a little every time I look deeper into my learners lives. So young, so helpless. Parents should be protecting them from life’s painful realities so that they can grow up functional and happy.

These learners who weathered the storms of life grew up scarred, but strong. I just pray that we, teachers, would be able to help them see the brighter side of life. That we can become the light that would help show the way out of whatever tunnels they are in.

One Step at a Time

 

My first year as an ALS Mobile Teacher was one year filled with so much turmoil. It was explosive because I felt like I was a baby that was thrust into the outside world for the first time.

I was emotionally volatile and vulnerable in 2010. I was feeling strongly rejected because I was not hired by my Alma Mater when my lifetime’s true dream was to become an English teacher at Passi National High School where I will teach literature, creative writing, journalism, debate and impromptu speech  (at my spare time) and open the minds of my learners to all possibilities available to them – just like what my favorite English teacher and mentor has done for me.

But it was not meant to be. God has other plans for me.

I remember lying on the floor, crying, my heart so broken , when I made the decision to leave PNHS. It was not an easy decision. It was me turning away and closing the door completely from my dream of becoming a weird English teacher-spinster.

I was already teaching as an Instructional Manager with ALS every Saturdays and Sundays back then and I knew what I was getting into when I accepted the job. It was necessity that made me do it. I needed a permanent job that pays well. This is one job that would do it. My heart was not completely involved but my head was and I was aware that I was making a commitment to being a Mobile Teacher.

Last January 4 marked my fourth year in ALS and I feel utterly blessed that I followed and obeyed and worked where I was called. Being a Mobile Teacher is no longer just the job I saw it to be. It has become a mission for me.

It was in ALS that I have grown not only as a professional but as a person. I was forced out of my self-focused shell. I was asked to get out and get involved with my learners, with the community, even with the people who run the community so that they would support the program.

In ALS, we are a family. With our supervisor (whose words I will never forget when I first went on a seminar to Baguio City with him – he told me to think of him as a father), my fellow Mobile Teachers who have become like siblings for me, my District ALS Coordinator who is much like a mother-figure.

With ALS, I was also forced to rely heavily on God. ALS placed me in a position where I realized that myself alone is not enough. It has shown me the empty pockets of my soul that requires one currency – the presence of God in my life and in my reality. We could say God forced me to come to Him because of ALS. The sense of security I was feeling at home and at work as a classroom teacher made me so self-sufficient and proud that I was able to ignore the emptiness and restlessness I was feeling.

Looking back, I have grown astounded at the progress my head and my heart has gone through. Because of ALS, I have become stronger and better as a person and I continue to grow everyday.

On our first Educational Tour in 2010, the report I prepared and the video I made was inspired by the then famous pop song, One Step at a Time. With ALS, everything comes in one step at a time. Just like the growth of the soul, you can’t force it. You just have to live it.

Thank you Lord, for giving me a career that has helped me to grow as a person. Thank you for making me work in a place where I was forced to make connections so that my heart could expand and my soul extend (I just wish it would shrink my girth too).Indeed, You know what is best for me. Amen.

 

Beloved 2013

 

At the end of 2013, I was confused and a little out of sort. I was often not thinking clearly. I was feeling down and discouraged. Walking with Jesus while holding hands with the devil is a difficult  experience, and a humiliating one.

So, I was not able to write a year-ender that would clearly show what 2013 was like. I needed to look back and realized that the answer was just there, staring at me. It’s like a veil has been lifted.

2013 is a beautiful year despite the pains and trials that my heart and soul went through. It was beautiful exactly because of those pains.

This 2013, I realized and really felt that I am a daughter of God. But realizing that I am His daughter does not make me perfect in an instant. There is still an ongoing struggle of dying everyday against my own desire to be, what the world would call, myself. That self was a creature of darkness who only considers her self at the center of every thought, decision and action.

This 2013, I also appreciated being a Roman Catholic. Our so called religion is so rich with tradition and rituals which are often misunderstood and persecuted even by Roman Catholics themselves. I always avoided calling myself a Roman Catholic because of the distrust I felt over these very same traditions and rituals. I don’t want to be like my grandmother who is so dogmatic in her faith nor do I want to be like those people who come to church and curse and yell and hate other people outside it. I did not go to church because I think of these same people as hypocrites, going to church and not living up to the tenets of Christianity. Now, I hear the mass and go to confession not because it is required or desirable for a Catholic to do so. I want to be a part of that community that worship Him and I long for my soul and my heart to be healed and touched by Him. Attending SFC Household meetings and conferences is no longer enough. I need Him too much to wait for SFC activities.. And about my fellow “hypocritical Catholics? I remember what our supervisor once told me when I explained why I do not go to Church “You do not hear the mass for them, but for Him.” It did not make sense before, but it does now. And so, the judgmental, prideful and sick daughter of the Lord goes to church…

This 2013, I felt and experienced His love. When people used to ask  me if I love God,  I did not answer. I really did not know. How can I love someone who does not care about me? Despite what they taught us, despite John 3:16, I just did not get it. John 3:16 will remain a verse until you experience what God’s love truly means. This 2013, I experienced more of His love. What felt as a short, swift caress before became an onslaught and outpouring this 2013. It’s not because He did not love me. It’s because I did not trust Him so I did not open up myself to Him. His persistent love is overwhelming in its intensity, strong and gentle, forgiving, merciful, kind and understanding but firm despite it all. Everyday, I have to be reminded of that love. It’s so easy to forget that I am His daughter, that He loves me so much when you encounter so much pain, and problems and difficulties everyday.  Honestly, there are days when I keenly feel His presence but there are days when He is just so absent in my life and during those days, I would feel so lonely and so alone despite the presence of people around me. I would ask, why can’t He just be here every moment and every day of my life? I know and understand during those times, I should trust Him. But knowing and feeling are not the same and sometimes, feelings would just overwhelm me and I would start fearing.

I feel that I should be a religious sister because I long for the perfection of the union of my soul with Him. I see no other way that this could be possible. I don’t know what to do with my life as it is. But I don’t have the courage to do what I feel I should do.

So, I wait. Wait for more this 2014. Wait for His will to unfold. Wait and trust in His ways.

 

The people in my life this 2013

My family                                                Graduate School folks

My ALS Family                                         My learners

My SFC Family

                                                  You are the Light of the World

                                                   by Simon Dewey

Choices

 

We all have goals and plans for the future.

We all have dreams and aspirations.

When I was in grade school, I wanted to be: a doctor, a singer, a writer,a novelist, a librarian, and a princess. In high school, I only wanted to be left alone to read my books (thus, I worked hard to give what my mother wanted i.e. honors and awards and then I spent most of my time pretending to study while I was really just reading) .

It was in college that a lot of wants came in. I wanted to become a SILAK writer (and promptly failed on my first screening). I vowed to graduate Summa Cum Laude (and graduated without any academic distinction because I was disqualified by a grade I had in Math). I wanted to become Most Outstanding Student Teacher (and was consoled with an Outstanding Student Teacher award in my Major area). I also planned to be a LET topnotcher (and of course, I was not). I always prayed for all these wants (but always with tongue-in-cheek so to speak).

I guess I did not get everything I wanted or planned to have despite my prayers back then. I felt as if God was not listening to my prayers. And so, I actually stopped praying for whatever it is that I wanted. God will not give them to me anyway!

After college, I just wanted to find work and a salary that would help us through our monthly needs. Once I had the work, I planned on career advancements, on improving my chances for promotion. I focused on learning the trade.

I refused to dream about getting married, and having a family of my own and all that. I was afraid to ask God for those things because maybe, God is particularly contrary with me. He would not give me the things I ask for after all.

By the latter part of 2013, I was singing a different song. I wanted God to tell me what He wanted me to do. I was waiting for signs, for His moving, for His voice to just tell me I should do this “thing” I was born to do because once I know, I will do it.

I know now that God is totally in control but “each one chooses”, as Jesus said in Francine River’s novelette, Unafraid (Mary’s story) . We all have choices. God respects and loves us too much to impose His will upon us. We can always chose.

I can choose to become a religious sister despite my mothers very dire refusal to even consider the thought and despite all the fears I have. I can stay single and pour all the love and passion I have to serving Him through my family, my own profession and my SFC community (or someday, the CFC-Handmaids of the Lord). And if He will send me this paragon of virtue He has intended to pair me up with, I can consider letting go of all my fears, inhibitions and insecurities and trust a man to love me enough to put a ring on my finger.

There are just so many possibilities with this life, this time on earth He has given me.

Whatever I chose ( and I still do not have any idea for now), I know I should chose to live that life with Him in it.

Fair and Unfair

 

 

I was trying to hold back tears of frustration.

I was angry, and irritated and fed up and the anger was just fighting to burst out of my chest. I knew that when I let loose, it would be very ugly and awful.

As an advocate of freedom of self-expression and authenticity, I would have allowed myself to let loose. I just wanted to vent my frustration over how unfair everything is, just then.

When others get tired, or angry or fed up with you, they do not feel compelled to hold back on the censure. They will be very quick to make and pass judgments around and tell you to your face what exactly is wrong, in a very unkind manner. Worst, some would even go behind your back and tell others about what you have done wrong without telling you.

On my way home, while blinking back tears of pent-up frustration, I came to this realization. I was once like this. I was quick to make judgment. Quick to find fault. Quick to see what is wrong. I was so good at fault-finding that it became more than a habit. It become part of who I was. And it hurt a lot of people around me (and the sad thing was, I did not even realize this).

However, knowing what I know now and believing in what I believe in now does not change that attitude overnight. There are moments when I can feel myself reeling from trying to hold back! I am so angry I just have to vent it!

Last night, I even told my sisters how unfair they were to me. When they are angry or irritated, they feel that it’s okay to show it. Don’t they realize that the silent, pouting treatment is hurting me? It’s okay when they act childish and petty but when I do that, I get reminded that “SFC kaw, ga amo kaw ka daa?” (You are a Singles For Christ. Why are you acting like that?”). As if being an SFC has transformed me into a saint overnight.

And then, I prayed. (It was more the “anguished cry for comfort from above” kind of prayer, one that makes word unnecessary). Immediately, this thought flashed through my mind. “When Christ suffered for my sins on the cross, did He blame me for it? Did He cry out that it was all my fault and not His own that led Him to that moment? Did He tell me I was being unfair to Him? Did He ask me why He had to suffer for me when I refused to suffer for others in His name?”

He bore the pain quietly. He bore His cross in obedience, in quiet pain, crying out only to His father.

My God, forgive me for resenting my crosses. Bless me with the grace to bear them with the same love that You have borne Yours with. And in moments like this, let me turn to You for comfort when the wounds get too painful.

Saturday Afternoons, Red Gloves and Tears

 

Still reading Unafraid, and was only able to finish Gideon’s Gift and Maggie’s Miracle from the Red Gloves collection, but these are stories that would change a readers life, if you only open your heart and head to it.

I was morose that whole week, wondering what I wanted from life and wondering why I feel so unfulfilled, and a little resentful about my lot in life.

That short, quick, unexpected Saturday afternoon talk with Nong Gil was certainly an eye-opener.

I wanted to write. I just don’t know why I can’t anymore.

I like teaching. I am just not sure why I feel so restless with what I am doing.

Reading, after God and family, is my one (well, three actually), Great Love. So, why do I keep flipping from book to book, cover to cover, author after another author, without really reading anything?

What could be so wrong?

I guess, I have learned to separate the heart from the brain that what the brain can comprehend, the heart can’t express and what the heart can feel, the brain cannot realize. Not really unusual. I may look like one whole big person but deep inside, I really am just one huge compartment with a lot of little compartments subdividing the rest of my life.

And that afternoon, I understand why I have to get hurt while reading a book and that it’s okay to cry (just not where my mother and siblings could see me). And that by so doing, I am letting my heart and brain connect with each other again.

I can’t write while I am not whole. I can’t be myself without the freedom of using what He has given me all along. I don’t know what I am capable of yet because I have always been too afraid to try.Still am though.

But this week, I found my way back into the arms of my most favorite activity, with all of me, this time. And while lying on a hammock, I absorbed one great story with both my head and my heart, taking in a series of stories involving a Red Glove and Christmas time.

After crying a river (Karen Kingsbury, seriously, knows how to make a person cry), and after engaging the whole of me in the exercise, I felt better afterward. This has always been the ultimate reading experience for me – taking in all my senses, delighting the intellect and stimulating the heart – and feeling good afterward.

Romance novels have dulled my heart after many years of gobbling them (they are just like the junk food of books). But, the kind of fiction that Francine Rivers and Karen Kingsbury create makes me feel and think and appreciate life. They make me feel more alive and closer to Him. They make me feel a part of Him, His creation. They make me think of Him and they make me cry because He makes me cry often. (And only He can do that – and reading too, and yeah, my mother as well).

And maybe, someday, I would be able to write something like what Rivers and Kingsbury have written and maybe, that would make me feel ever more alive, and fulfilled and much closer to Him too.

Broken Generations

 

The world has coined various labels for its varied and many generations of people. Lumped together to be perfectly categorized into neat boxes, these generations have been born, existed, survived, and died. Some of its members left indelible marks in the annals of history, some faded like mere bubbles, fragments of an imagination that littered the world for a while with people.

But there is one thing common in all humankind… whether referred to as Generation X, Y, Z or whatever pretentious label man comes up with, all of man’s generations have always been broken.

Broken by the stings of an aimless, meaningless existence, stung by the poisons of inexplicable family dynamics, bitten by varied neuroses… Man tried to cope by rationalizing his brokenness. He tried to make excuses for his behavior by blaming others for it. No one was willing to take responsibility of choices that went wrong, decisions that lead only to more pain and hurt. There was always someone or something to blame. A broken man finds it easy to expose the chink in a fellows armor than deal with his own broken shield.

We are a broken generation. We are a broken people. And we try to heal our brokenness by covering it up with more broken armors and fragments of the self we could have been.

What glues us together are the very same things that broke us apart. The tiny pieces of ourselves have been cast away or were lost, and we believe that we can no longer find those pieces anymore.

But we don’t need those pieces. We do not need to hang on to the tattered rags we are wearing.

Someone out there sees our brokenness for what it is.But, since He crafted us in the first place, He knows that these broken chunks need to be broken, so that the beautiful masterpieces would come out.

We are a broken generation with scraped elbows, and bruised knees and we can turn to the Great Physician to heal our brokenness.

We are a broken people who can be mended by a great God.

Am I Heartless?

 

Am I heartless because I choose to live by my principles? Yes, I was heartless because I once chose to live by my principles – the principles of honesty, decency, loyalty and responsibility have been drilled into me by my experiences in my formative years.

Add the rather ruthless independent streak and the desire not to involve others in my troubles plus the desire to please everybody else around me, and yeah, I am rotten and heartless to the core…

Because I lived by my principles and not love… I was responsible, and decent, and honest to a fault (now I know what that means)…

But this time, I no longer live by those principles. I live by love. His love. How can I do something that offends my God but pleases other people? How can something offensive before the eyes of my Lord be good for His people? How can a lie, a deceitful action be ever good in the sight of this just and good and great God?

Now, am I heartless?

Am I heartless because I refused to swim and chose to sink and brought a whole boat with me? Am I heartless because I refused to do an obvious wrong?

I am hurt. The first and foremost person my action hurt was me.  My pride took a beating (and it needed that beating). My reputation was damaged. My promises of an easy way out has been destroyed. I have nothing…

Am I heartless? A lot of them has been hurt. My mother and I keep butting heads about it. My friends wonder at what I am doing… but how can I keep doing something that is so wrong to Him? How can I do that?

I chose this. I chose not to be god of my fate and the fate of others. I chose this because He is my God.

Now, am I heartless?

Wants: Mine, Hers and His

 

I wanted so many things from life. I wanted financial independence. I seek a good and comfortable teaching post. I desire further education. I want to travel whenever  I have the opportunity.

I also want my own nice little house… for myself and my family. I want a car too for a comfortable way of travelling. I want comfort and peace and prosperity and a quiet life. Those are the things that  I want.

My mother wants me to get promotions, to be in a position of power and fame… She wants me to explore my potential and she wants me to be everything she wanted to be… until she had me.She wants me to aggressively finish my post graduate studies. She wants me to win awards as an outstanding teacher. She wants me to have it all.

But it seems God wants something else for me. He wants me for something else. He placed me in a work where I uncomfortably started off. He wanted me to learn life’s lessons in a humble way. He wanted me to become a tough follower in celestial terms. He wanted me to do something else, not just sit in my room and write or read books. He gave me a family that’s too big to comfortably feed in a month, a house that uncomfortably squats beside public land, a body that does not sit well with the mind and ambitions planted in me since I was young. He placed in my heart a desire to be with His people when I have been reared an environment of distrust and confusion.

These three things, three ideals, three visions of what I want and what my life should be is tearing at me. But looking at it now, does it not seem clear which vision is best for me?

Thus says Yahweh, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I, Yahweh, your God, teach you what is best for you; I lead you in the way you must go. Had you paid attention to my commandments, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendants would have been like the sand, and those born of your stock like its grains, their names never cut off nor blotted out from my presence. – Isaiah 48:17-19

Triumphs and Tears

 

The results of the ALS A&E Test have come out this week and it was a fascinating study in contrast… another learning curve in my life.

I am feeling a poignant sort of triumph and assurance as well as a little regret for what must be but I am happy and confident that the learners who passed were indeed deserving and worth their salt. These learners are truly ready for college…

In my Passi NHS Learning Group, the following passed the test:

1. Anna Marie Agudon

2. Reanne Ruales

3. Dexter Dave Panes

4. Ralph Paclibar

5. Rhody Lyn Lapera

I am confident that these 5 are indeed ready for anything that will come in their future. They have gone through a lot. Life was not easy but at least, they have what it is needed to pursue a brighter future ahead of them.

To those who did not make it, there is still another year. I pray that together, we can prepare for what lies ahead.

To God be the all the glory!!!