Becoming that Person

 

 

      Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what you want me to be – and becoming that person.- St. Therese of Lisieux

 

 

 

 

From the start, I have always been a very complicated person who likes to complicate everything especially when it comes to emotions. What could have been simple becomes very complicated in my hands and in my mind.

Sometimes, I find dealing with myself quite hard. I even managed to think of this difficult person as someone separate from myself but is still a part of me. However, I want to believe that I am just a simple person. I like pretending I am one.

But then, when I think about the kind of God we have, I am bound to believe that as His creation, I am not simple at all. So, maybe I should stop pretending that I am one. He has designed and executed an intricate and complex plan for creation after all. 

However, if I try to add the needs and wants filling every nook and cranny of my very person, it would be too much, indeed. Although complex in its execution, intricate in its blue print, all our needs and wants can be met with something terribly simple. It’s too simple in fact that we often fail to grasp it in its simplicity.

As we live, every day, we ask ourselves, Who am I? What am I here for? And we come up with a lot of complex and complicated answers to these ones. We think in terms of the roles we play when we consider our responses to the first question. For the second question, we consider our first responses too.

My responses to the first question were:

1. I am a Mobile Teacher

2. I am a daughter

3. I am the eldest sister

Thus, I come up with these responses to the second question:

1. I am here to teach out-of-school children, youth and adults;

2. I am here to obey my mother and father and show them my love and affection (actually, I meant to write – to please my mother)

3. I am here to serve as a model for my younger siblings (in thought, word, and deed).

 

However, a time would usually come when my roles and purposes would overwhelm me, oppress me, and limit me too. And, at some point, I come at a stand still, because I would realize how transient these roles are, how ineffectual and how unimportant at times and how lonely I would become too.

But today, it came upon me that I have one identity and my purpose is connected with it too.

I am the daughter of a King. I am here to get to know my Father, to love my Father, and to love all His children as well. All other things would serve only to distract me form this one purpose.

Now, how does that connect with me and my life? Well, that is what this journey is all about.

The Best Lesson I Learned in Graduate School

 

I go to Graduate School at West Visayas State University. I took up Master of Arts in Education (Language Teaching in English) last 2009 at the WVSU College of Education Graduate School.

I was a Secondary School English teacher then in a national high school in our place. I was feeling as if my brain was literally decaying so I felt the need to go to Graduate School.

Unfortunately, when I transferred in the Alternative Learning System (ALS), everything changed. I had classes on Saturdays and Sundays. My new job description does not connect with my courses in Grad School. I quit two years ago and never looked back until my mother pointed out that I was messing up with my records.I really was. I have several INC. because of unfinished courses. And I had to retake not less than three courses this year.

It’s my last Academic Year and I have a full load this semester, including one tutorial course. My work is still not connected with my courses.I did not like going back to Graduate School.  Every Saturday, I just force myself to attend my 7:30 – 1:30 classes and my tutorial sessions after that…. Until last Saturday that is.

Last Saturday, our recently widowed Phonology teacher put her foot down. I know I was taking her course for granted (although last semester, I learned a lot from her because she asked a lot from us). I can’t help it. Some things take priority over work I don’t much care about. And I can feel she sensed that. She has been feeling me up for a few weeks, really noticing my absences and tardiness from her 7:30 Am class.

I came in about two hours late for her class, unprepared for the Midterm exams and literally exhausted even as I conversed with God who, I know, was not listening to my excuses. (Well, when you keep blaming Him for being late, what will you get?)

My teacher refused to give me the exam. Instead, she asked me to return next week to get the exam and write a letter explaining why I was late.

I know, at our age, as mature adults who are already working, she should not be asking that. But, I am glad Dr. Dela Llana put her foot down last Saturday. I felt embarrassed over what happened, but as a fellow teacher, I understand her predicament. What right have I to ask just as much from my own learners when I cannot give the same kind of respect to my own teachers?

I know she wanted what was best for me. I know by doing so, she is also risking a lot – she maybe labeled as very strict, as inconsiderate. But what she did was actually kind. I don’t blame her. She gave my a much needed wake up call.

She can forgive me yes, but I have to suffer the consequences of certain actions.

You cannot succeed by making excuses for yourself. You maybe forgiven for your sins, mistakes and errors but you will always have to face the consequences of your actions, especially if a lot of other people are involved. 

Unseen Footprints, Unseen Truths

If you are a seeker and you long to encounter the Divine, I have a book for you. Unseen Footprints: Encountering the Divine along the Journey of Life by Sheridan Voysey

It has revealed a lot of exciting truths that I have never considered in the past. After reading it, I came to the realization that I am not yet fully aware of God and His moving in my life. I get consumed and distracted by earthly stuff like pride, anger, covetousness, jealousies, food, sloth and many others.

I have never fully connected the Creator with His creation thus making me know too little of the greatness, creativity, wonder, and variety that is God. I never fully pondered the various moods of the skies - how fast the sunny weather can sometimes turn gloomy and how powerful typhoons like Yolanda are. I never took time to carefully look at the way the flowers were formed, or how different shades green has for trees. I never once realized how different the animals are from each other and how different man is from one another.

God is greater than I ever pondered Him to be. His creations testify to that. This is one of the reasons why I praise and glorify God and I never completely grasped it.

Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leave you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing, and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it? I did it just for you." 

                                                                                       - Max Lucado

Developing Oneself while Developing K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials

This week's Workshop on the Development of K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials here at the GSP Helena Z. Benitez National Program and Training Center here in Tagaytay City is both a professional and personal growth time for me.

The writers @ GSP, Helena Z. Benitez National Program
and Training Center, Tagaytay City.

We were required to study the ALS curriculum vis-a-vis the K to 12 Curriculum of the formal school. Just going over the differences, similarities and gaps between the two is a nerve wracking process. Findings revealed that the ALS Curriculum for Basic Education is not that different from the K to 12 Curriculum once the gaps have been addressed... and that is the reason why we are here - to address the differences.

I have always been a solo-worker.

I don't really resent other people's opinion regarding how I work but the artistic bent in me desires full and free expression. I want to be able to fully explore all options and possibilities available to me.

However, we were grouped into learning strands and we were expected to work together. Since I am not used to it, I did not know how to approach this particular project. But with Ma'am Cora from La Carlota and Ma'am Elaine from Cavite, I was able to learn something essential. I can work with a partner or a group.

I can work even if I am not very interested in the material I am developing. I can actually surrender  and leave everything to God. I can go with the flow and trust that He will not drop me as long as I rely upon Him for everything.

I will probably be talking of all the other experiences, moving and touching experiences I had this week but yes, I feel so blessed because He never left my side at all.

Christ the Lord from a Vampire Writer

 

Anne Rice, yes, who would have thought. I probably lived under a big rock or something but this is the first time that I gave attention to my favorite contemporary novelist… again.

Well, yes, essentially, Anne Rice wrote the books I read in high school, which were quite popular to people my age then, at least, people whose opinion mattered to me. My romance novels were ridiculed even by my favorite teachers – they believe (and in a way I agree with them), that those books were not good for me.

But not Anne Rice. Anne Rice was okay. Well, she is okay to people with brains not like mine because you see, whatever I read, I consume. And I consumed Anne Rice’s world – just like Rowling and Shakespeare, and Bronte. I get away with romance novels because, these books can be read and discarded, just like that. They don’t really stick in my head and cause me nightmares. But not Anne Rice – no, not Anne Rice.

Armand haunted me for years. One of her books on witches haunted me for days that I penned a letter asking it to be taken out of the library’s circulation section. Her Queen of the Damned was with me all through my rides. She was boring with her prose but eloquent with her words and yes, she can capture you with the details. And she dazzled me with hers.

I followed Anne Rice. I even read her as Ann Roquelaure. Yes, it’s Anne’s pen name for her erotica and yes, I have read her three Beauty series. I even lent one of her books about an island of pleasure (I forgot the title) to a student.

And no, I was not that into Anne Rice and no I am not advicing you to read her books, not those prior to the Christ the Lord series.

I remember seeing Out of Egypt at National Bookstore years ago and imagine my surprise upon seeing whose name the byline is. Anne Rice. I mean, no. She could not have. And I ignored the book. I don’t trust Anne Rice at all.

Until I finished her book today and learned of how she returned back to the Catholic Church before her husband’s death. But prior to that, I read her announcment about how she was renouncing Christianity because of her son, her homosexual son.

These No Longer Matter

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of the earth

will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace.

 

I used to sing this song simply because it made me feel better but I never really understood the lyrics – until recently. I finished a book too, recently. Good News for those Trying Harder by Alan Kraft. This opened my eyes to certain truths that my legalistic brain could not grasp. It was followed by circumstantial revelations and leadings which astounded me. Why did I not see this before?

I have been reading the book for quite a while too. It took me very long to finish the whole book and it left me with a heavy heart when I learned how I tried to live a life pleasing to God when He is already well-pleased with me. My God is so fond of me that He sent His only Son to save me from myself. I have a great God. A God bigger than religion. And I feel so blessed.

I used to be a workaholic – addicted to the taste of triumph and success of doing a job so well that I had no time for anything else. I had to run the play and watch in the sidelines as everything unfolds. I had to be in the center of everything I do. I want to work and work hard. Work defined my life. Being the responsible daughter, responsible employee, responsible teacher was all that I am. When I joined the CFC-Singles for Christ, I wanted to be a responsible Christian… I was so fervent in my desire to please my God that I never realized everything I did became a burden to me. I carried the heavy loads and responsibilities of work because I saw my God with clouded eyes. I thought I had to earn His love and work my butt off in order to please Him and be saved. I did not realize how poisonous that mindset was. It was the road to hell, not salvation. I was trying to find and attain life thru self-effort and not Christ. What I tended to call my prayer time every morning and evening were actually Bible Study time. I read the Bible religiously because I wanted instruction on how to live a life that is pleasing to God. I never knew that God wanted a relationship with me. That the Bible was only His love letter to me. He did not hire me to be His employee. Heaven and salvation was not the fee for services rendered. No. They were a given. We are already saved when we believe in Him, in His name. Trying to earn His favor by doing empty good works is not what He wants from us.

He wants us to enjoy Him. Delight in Him. Truly loving others and loving Him does not come from self-effort. We do not force ourselves to love our boyfriends or at least to like our crushes.We just feel the depth of love and affection and are sometimes overtaken by them. The same is true with Christ. Love begets love. If we only give Him the chance to work in us, if we open our hearts to Him – how could we not love Him? Everytime I read a book about His pain, His love, I get overwhelmed. I remember two songs actually. The King and I’s How Can I Not Love You? and Jesus Christ Superstar’s “I Don’t Know How to Love Him”

Love comes about because we bask in His love all the time. Patience comes about because we have this relationship with Him. The fruits of the Spirit comes about when we commune with the Spirit. Not out of self-effort. If we try to convince ourselves to feel moved, to feel compassion, to ignore our pain and be forgiving, and selfless and utterly dedicated to service,  to work hard because we had to as Christians - everything will be for show then – like the Pharisees. I am like those Pharisees. I wanted to please God by doing penance and sacrifices, by following the Law – love God above all else and love your neighbor as yourself (it was difficult and painful and I learned to fake it). I was eager to please God even to the point that He would be very pleased and happy with me even if I was already hurting myself. I never entertained the pain. I told myself – think positive, think positive. But the gauze on the wounds of my self-inflicted pains kept dripping. The bile I had to drink made me bitter, made me angry, made me wonder why I always had to make the sacrifices. It came to the point when I asked, why am I the only who had to think of others. Does anybody every think about me, for me? This is not what He wants from us. This is not His plan for us.

Of course, Someone was thinking about me all the time – I just forgot to think about Him. My Wonderful Savior was just waiting for me to see Him, hear Him, feel His love. I was busy doing good works and reading the Bible that I actually forgot Him. Wow.

Are you like that too? Then let’s pray: Almighty God and Savior, Creator of Heaven and Earth, wonderful Redeemer and Healer of all pains, save us from ourselves, Lord God. Break our hearts that we may feel Your love, burn our eyes that we may see Your face, pierce our skins that we may feel Your presence… Show us Lord, how You have endured the most terrible of hell’s pain so that we need not suffer it anymore. Teach us that we need only to call upon Your name, and we will be saved. Amen.

 

 

 

Through the Mirage

Two day's after the SFC Provincial Conference and I am feeling another bout of restlessness. 

I took the day off (well, not totally since I am also working on the MIS at home), in order to think about certain matters, and ask myself questions that I fear to answer.

I am currently reading a book by Robert Fabing, SJ which deals with Self Knowledge. The Spiritual Life: Recognizing the Holy is one difficult book to understand. You just can't pause somewhere in the chapter and expect things to flow when you take up the book next time.

It demands a thorough read through (huh). Anyway, this reaffirms ( I am getting terribly fond of the word), my experience during the Weekend Retreat at the Carmelite Missionaries in Duenas. 

And I have come to realize the same thing as well. I am living an image. I could not consciously remember everything but I realized that the real me has not emerged. What people see is the me I wanted them to see. Reliable, serious, dependable, non-threatening, soft-spoken, quiet and mousy, Miss Do-It-All. They think I am this nice girl in the corner who simply loves to have life pass her by. They think I am this obedient and self-sacrificing daughter.

But deep inside, a voice was rebelliously and querulously plotting the downfall of such a person. I am not Miss Goody-two-shoes. I am the empty shell of a girl denying her real self.

Inside me, there is emptiness... I do not know how to love. I know responsibility, obligation, and decency. I also know about morality and accountability. I value honesty.

And I wanted to be perfect for a reason. But I am not perfect. I am totally imperfect. I am a fake. Inside me is an angry grl crying out, screaming in frustration and rejection. I have been rejected and in order to protect myself from such a pain, I denied all feelings. I became an automaton.

Currently, through my work as a Mobile Teacher and thru the SFC community, I am being taught how to love. I have come to know social feeling through my learners. But I have yet to learn of love. I know God loves me but I am the one incapable of it.

I would not know love even if it gobbles me up alive because my idealized self killed all feelings inside. I realized I have been dead for a long time now. 

The Spiritual Life, according to this book, is a journey inward... a process of getting to know oneself, getting to know the real self.

I used to think I knew who I really am. Now, I realized I truly do not know who I am... and I want to know who I am as God created me, not as I wanted to appear to others... I want to be real. To be true. I have been faked for a long time. I have been seeking for a long time. 

Lord, I pray, give me the wisdom to know where to look for that self I have hidden from for a long, long time. I also pray for the courage to confront the person You have created me to be... and not hide from it anymore...as mentioned before, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"... and I want to know that fearful and wonderful creature You have created. 

My Journey: Personal and Intimate

I am on a journey. I now see how the earth is supposed to be our land of adventure and discovery and the one thing that we seek is God.

I did not see it this way before. I knew I was on a Journey. I just never realized what that journey was for. I knew I was seeking something. I just did not know what it was. I also know I was supposed to be doing something as well, that I have a task in this world. I am just not sure what that was.

So, I went on with life as if I were simply travelling. I was a bus with no route. A traveler with no map and no specific destination. Was I lost? No, I don't think I was. I can only be lost if I have a destination in mind and I am no longer in the right path towards that end.  But as it is, I had no place to go. I was just moving around.

But not anymore. After SFC, after that single retreat before lent, I have come to realize a lot of things. I am on a pilgrimage towards Christ. My life is like the story of everyone else who walked this earth before me. Just like our graduation song in elementary school - we are pilgrims on the journey ...a journey back into the embrace of our God.


Although I have come to the ripe old age of 26, I have only taken a few, mincing steps forward. Most of the sprint, the walk, the climb even the crawl that I made in the past were made towards other directions but not towards the right one.

Now, step by step, like an infant learning to walk, I am making my way towards Him. The path is not clear. The road is not easy. And the funny thing about walking down this foggy road is you cannot even see the map. It's dark. It's too quiet by far. It's my journey alone.  But, I am holding on to Someone's hand this time. I am listening to Someone's voice as He guides me along the way.

He loves me. He loves me with the kind of fearsome, frightening love that sends me to my knees every time I realize and feel it. But, I cannot honestly tell Him that I love Him. Not yet. There is a little of it in here, in my heart, but it is not yet the all-encompassing and outpouring love - the love that I long to give Him, the love that I know I am capable of giving to Him. All of me, and everything in Me.

But that is the end of my journey. Me and Christ. Reconciled. Me loving Him with all that I am and everything that is in me. Me basking in the wonder of His love and mercy.

The CFC-SFC Covenant

After completing the Christian Life Program of the CFC-SFC last year and during the Lord’s Day last August 28, 2011, we were given our SFC tool kit containing a sort of welcome note, the CFC guidelines for business dealings between or among members, the SFC Bible Reading Guide, a one-year reading guide for reading through the new testament, an ID, and a little booklet thingy which enumerates the Covenant of the CFC Singles for Christ.

Here is what is written in that covenant.

Trusting in the Lord’s help and guidance:

1. I shall live as a follower of Christ:

·         Pray daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Read Scriptures daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Live a righteous life and avoid situations which are occasions for sin.

·         Put good order into my private life and support my parents in building a Christian family.

·         Participate regularly in the worship life of my church.

2. I will work towards the evangelization and transformation of my work place, my family and my community:

·         Put good order in my work situation

·         Be a witness of the love and power of the Lord Jesus in my work and in my family

·         Be a good steward of all resources entrusted to me.

·         Be a good citizen of my country, obeying its laws and protecting its environment.

3. I will be a committed and active member of the CFC Singles for Christ:

·         Attend my small group meetings regularly and support the good order of the meetings.

·         Faithfully participate in all the activities of the group.

·         Relate in love, loyalty to and respect for all my brothers and sisters in the Lord.

·         Intercede daily for the group and its mission.

4. I will make myself available to the Lord for service:

·         Bring other single men and women to Christ.

·         Give generously of my time and resources to the Lord’s service, whenever I am called and follow directions of those who have responsibility for the service.

·         Support the work of Couples for Christ and its ministries.

5. I will study and seek to grow as a Christian person:

·         Attend all teachings, retreats, seminars and conferences of the CFC Singles for Christ.

·         Diligently study all materials given to me.

May the Lord Jesus Christ help me to be faithful in living out this commitment everyday for His greater honor and glory and for the good of my brothers and sisters.

_____________________________________________

Signature

Until now, I have not yet signed the covenant because of certain fears, and certain issues that I have not yet clarified. I told myself I was not ready to follow it. In fact, I am not the only one who has not signed the covenant. I know several brothers and sisters who have not signed theirs because of the fear and the doubts that clouds the heart – maybe, I can’t live up to the covenant, I am afraid of disappointing the Lord,  I am not good enough, I am unworthy, I am not strong enough…

We only see the bottom line – the blank that requires our signature. I did too. I keep seeing the back flap of the booklet every time I attempt to sign. It seems to mock me in my humanity, my weakness…

History shows how many times covenants have failed. In fact, man seems to be predesigned to fail God most of the time. We have so many custom-made excuses for our failure to obey Him. I am only human, we say. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. No wonder SFC newbies are afraid to sign this covenant. It asks us too much. And we want to have the excuse that if we did fail, we can only say that we have not signed anything – but this, this contract is very clear in its stipulations.

However, in all our worldly fears, we seem to have forgotten a statement at the beginning.

It says: TRUSTING IN THE LORD”S HELP AND GUIDANCE…I WILL…

I would never have signed this covenant… until yesterday’s exposition with our retreat master, Sr. Rose of the Carmelite Missionary.

Last Saturday, I was made to face my fears and my pains and there were a great many of them. They led to a feeling of numbness, a “deadness” inside that festered and affected my growth as a child of God. I took on roles and lived fixedly to those roles all the while thinking that if I let my masks slip, the world will reject me. I became the selfless daughter, the workaholic government employee, the patient teacher, the generous sister, the nice friend… but they were all on the surface. It was not me, not who I am. The self, according to Sister Rose, has four layers. We have the outer layer, the role self (the masks we wear), then we have the natural self, the actual self, and the true self.

It pained me to realize that I never really progressed from the outer layer. My actions, the things I do, never really came close to who I am. And this has destroyed all semblance of self-knowledge. I was a broken person, someone who barely knows who she is.

The fears and the pain clouded everything in me that despite all endeavours, I never really felt God’s love…until yesterday morning when His love, his amazing love, destroyed me…or who I thought I was.

He loves me. I felt it. His tremendous love humbles me and drives me to my knees time and again. I do not need to feel rejection because He loves me. And that is all that matters. His love.

So today, (err, I wanted to wait until Sunday but I want to sign this today), I will be signing my personal covenant with the God who loves me. I am not perfect. I am not strong enough. I am not worthy and no matter what I do, I will never be worthy of that love He has for me. To wait until I become worthy, perfect and strong enough will be to wait forever.

But, He has promised to help me. He has promised to hold my right hand. And I will always turn to Him when things go wrong and I start reverting to my masks.

I will trust Him, trust in His love.

Desert Song

My facebook timeline indicates that I am currently going through a Desert Experience. Currently wading though sandstorms and all that head. Whew. (I am feeling physically tired too).

Right now, after the ALS Lingap Kalikasan Program (tree planting), and while waddling through tons of paperwork, I can't help but think about the escape I so long for.

Anyway, tomorrow the CFC-SFC will have its retreat at the Carmelite House in Dingle ( I am not really oversure of the venue), and yes, I am looking forward to the experience.

This will be the first retreat I will be joining after high school. I have been looking forward to joining such retreats I just never had the chance, time and opportunity to do so.

And while were at it, above is the song I keep listening when I am down in the dumps. It does make you feel better afterwards.