God’s Presence in Every Journey

 

Life is a journey. And we don’t have to travel alone.

That is my realization during our sisters’ household prayer meeting this afternoon. Seven of us made it to the prayer meeting and each one shared their personal reflections about today’s Gospel from John 19: 31-37.

As household head, I read all the readings in advance. I did not want a repeat performance of our previous household meeting where I stumbled over the Gospel reading because I was not able to reflect on it. It was during that HH meeting that I learned it is part of my responsibility as household head to lead by example. I know we’re supposed to read the Daily Readings and reflect on them but sometimes, I fail to do this prayerfully (yeah, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak).

Today is the Feast of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. The readings focused on God’s love made manifest in Jesus’ humanity and Passion all lovingly and willingly offered for mankind – for me.

I felt moved by the Scripture readings today. My sisters in the community also affirmed that they felt the same way.

We shared our experiences and personal struggles and how we relied on His love, how we, sometimes, forget to bask in that love in our effort to control our lives, in the fears and pressures we feel everyday.

Today, we felt that we were urged to:

1. Believe that God loves us

The first reading today is a blatant reminder and testament of the kind of love God feels towards His people. It maybe addressed to the Israelites but I can easily picture myself in their stead.

“I loved Israel when he was a child; out of Egypt I called my son. But the more I have called, the further they have gone from me – sacrificing to the Baals, burning incense to idols… How can I give you up, Ephraim? Can I abandon you like Admah or make you like Ziboiim? My heart is troubled within me and I am moved with compassion. I will not give vent to my greater anger; I will not return to destroy Ephraim for I am God and not human. I am the Holy One in your midst and I do not want to come to you in anger.” – Hos 11: 1-2, 8-9

Despite whatever sinfulness and unworthiness and inadequacies we may feel, we should not hide from Him because He welcomes us with open arms. In fact, whenever we are troubled, we should run towards Him instead.

2. Keep our focus upon Christ on the Cross

It’s so easy to forget that God loves us especially when we are in a difficult or impossible situation.

     …..When our friends betray us

     …..when the pressure of people’s expectations overwhelm us

     …..when difficulties and struggles continually pile up to undermine our resolve to continue following Him

     …..when jealousies, lack of forgiveness, anger, and doubt asail our faith

These situations can sometimes get the best of us. However, we must not forget to look at our circumstances in the light of His love.

Jesus went through all these. All of His friends disappeared when He needed them the most. People, especially His followers expected a lot from Him which He knew He was not meant to do.

Before we went through our own personal pains, Jesus went through so much more for us. He did not have to do that, but He did, for us… His love held Him on the cross to restore us in relationship with the Father.

He did all that. So, when things become impossible, look at the cross and gaze upon Jesus. Let your gaze be a prayer too.

Each one of us has a struggle. Every one of us in the community is going through our own personal journeys. But, we don’t have to walk our journeys alone. We can travel with each other, continue to encourage each other, bless each other and pray for each other. We can walk as a community… and we can walk individually and personally with Jesus.

Our hope is in this: that in this journey, we will keep growing spiritually, richly affirmed by each others personal journeys as shared during prayer meetings like this one.

Live Fully, Love Fully, Live Love Fully

 

I have not posted for quite a while now. I have been going through some experience I did not feel comfortable sharing. I don’t feel ready to share them but I feel compelled to at least, lay them out and see for myself what they mean.

I was quite aghast when I heard one of my mother’s biggest argument against SFC. “Nagaparis-paris kamu” (You’re pairing up with each other). I vehemently denied this one because I was completely unaware of what Nanay meant. Although I often hear a lot about finding GG’s (or God’s Gift, your supposed partner in life) during Talks, I did not pay them any mind at all. I was probably unready for it. I was busy searching my heart, knowing myself and the God who loves me to even think about such stuff. Plus, I am really very much aware how difficult it would be for my future suitor to court me… he will have to battle my mother (she’s determined that I will be her partner for life), my entire family (they are very sure that I will never marry and I am wondering why they think so) and me too (since I am an insecure coward, an obedient daughter and a doting older sister).

That was, until the SFC Intimacy Weekend which I felt I was not ready to attend. Although I was determined to go, I lacked the enthusiasm I usually felt about going on SFC Teachings as I often did before. I felt reluctant because of the distance. We had our Intimacy Weekend at Concepcion. It takes four hours of bus ride before reaching the town. I decided to miss my MAEd class, ditch my sister from a shopping trip she so wanted and ate so much because I was confused whether I wanted to go or not. What was in it for me? In the CFC-Singles for Christ track I read somewhere online two years ago, I remember reading that the Intimacy Weekend was for engaged couples. It’s not for lost, lonely spinsters like me (yeah, my boss just called me an old maid last week and I probably am at that).

In our chapter, I was the only uncoupled participant. I was with Sis Jejan and her then fiancee (now husband) Bro Romer and Sis Remz and her husband Bro Randy. I told myself my partner was Jesus and all the way to Concepcion, while travelling alone at such a distance (aside from my Baguio Bus ride, I have never travelled alone that far), I felt God was with me… I just love travelling alone, I guess especially knowing I was going to a place where I will be meeting people I have something in common with – Jesus.

The talks were heavy, a little embarrassing and quite sensitive. I realized the purpose behind SFC itself. Couples for Christ conceptualized its family ministries to protect the family and they have to start early. They have to start with individuals, single men and women who will eventually become CFCs in the future. Future husbands and wives in Christ, fully grown and mature in their faith and ready to live up to the vocation of marriage.

It was here I realized how beautiful marriage is. Confronted with loving Christian couples (especially the ones I was with), I felt drawn, more accepting, and a whole lot more understanding about people who chose the vocation of marriage. This is love. My twisted concept of marriage being a noose and a bother was shattered. Scoffing over the very human need to have someone with whom you can bare yourself completely, someone who can carry the struggle when you can’t be strong anymore, someone who can be there for you and tell you how wonderful, beautiful and amazing you are, someone who equally needs you, your understanding, love and affection, your comfort and your very presence… that was just amazing in itself.

Back then, I told myself I welcome all vocations. Whether God has willed me for single blessedness and the religious life or married life – I am okay with it. But, I was really partial to single blessedness and desiring the religious life (I felt I need it more than God needed me to be a religious sister or a cloistered nun). The reason why I cannot seem to move forward with my discernment is that I haven’t explored married life at all. My own experience shattered the concept of romance. I did not trust human love at all. I do not know how to trust another person in such a manner that I would completely entrust my heart that way. I know I can trust God, trust His plans and His purpose (but despite that, He will still hurt me or disappoint me because it is necessary for His purpose) but not another person.

The Intimacy Weekend was one teaching I was not ready for. However, it accomplished one thing. It made me open my heart to that other vocation I sincerely refused to consider because I preferred the “alone with God” options. It challenged my concept of my own vocation and it led me to the beautiful conclusion that all vocations are meant to glorify God.

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.2)

 

 

My vocation is His purpose for creating me…

I really wanted to be able to say that I have discerned and accepted God’s purpose for my life. I started out as if I was on a quest of discovering my vocation! I was excited, and very eager to know God’s will for my life.

I have been in that particular mode for several weeks after the Regional Conference. I wanted to know! I had to know God’s will for me! And I tried finding out (as if I could do it on my own…)

After several weeks, I got tired of trying to find out. Now, I still do not have answers. I still do not know if it is His will for me to be single, get married or become a religious sister.  Not being able to know the answer has crushed my soul a little. I felt as if God was denying me something I really wanted to know! Or did I really?

I did find out several things about myself though. These discoveries has led to more confusion because I did not like what I learned. I have learned that I also wanted to get married and have a family of my own (and the really sad thing about it is I already have someone in mind, someone who will likely never notice me – this led to self-pity, resentment and binge-eating in order to cope with the depressing feelings). I also learned that I really did not want to stay single (and be a spinster, although this is what my family expects me to be and this just feels like the most likely outcome anyway) and since this is almost a given, I decided that I would rather be a religious sister than become a bitter spinster who hates everyone for being happy!

Those discoveries made me unhappy about myself. I once gave up on the idea of marriage for myself. I was content, or so I told myself. I even anticipated spinsterhood. I was determined to glory in it and enjoy the freedom and not be the stereotypical sad and unhappy old maid. I was going to become the cool aunt or at least, the nice and kindly although eccentric teacher.  However, when those convictions were challenged, when I was repeatedly told that God has other plans for us, I felt a surge of resentment and anger well up in me. I wanted to cry and tell them to not give me false hopes. It seems a big part of myself has already given up on the concept that someone other than God can love me for me…. And I did not want to be bothered anymore. I joined SFC because I knew I would be a Single for Christ – maybe forever and I even started inquiring about how to become a Handmaid of the Lord when I reach 40.

I really did not want to open myself to other possibilities!

Then came the frantic desire to be called, be chosen for something really special. I wanted God to show me signs that He wanted me for Himself. I long for Him to let me hear, know and really see that yes, I am called to become a religious sister because if I can only be sure, I would be brave and tell Nanay about it and even if it hurts her, I would follow God's calling. But, I did not ask God to do that because I was really afraid to know… I feel afraid to know what He plans for me…

Silly person that I am… wanting to know but not really wanting to know. I prayed for Him to reveal His will for me in a rather half-hearted manner… because I really am afraid to know about it and God knows it too.God knows I am unready to know His will for me and because He loves me, He is waiting for me to be ready for Him…

***

Wonderful and loving Father, thank You for being so patient with me. Forgive me for being impatient with You and for refusing to really know Your perfect will for my life. Father, grant me the desire to truly know what it is that You plan for me. Prepare my heart for Your plans and ready my life for Your wonders. Create in me the desire to know and the courage to follow You all the days of my life. Amen.

A Sonnet for my One True Love

 

Back in college, there was one Shakespearean sonnet I adored simply because it initially described my idea of what marriage or love should be.

Sonnet 116

by William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove,

Oh no, it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempest and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth’s unknown. although his height be taken.

Love’s not Times fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickles compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom,.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ nor no man ever loved.

 

Well, to put it bluntly, this is the sonnet that disappointed me. I never found that kind of love. Around me, marriages were breaking apart, couples were splitting up after passionate weeks or months of being together. What once was so loved became so hated. I never trusted love after personally seeing what it can do to a twenty-year old marriage.

I would smile at heartbreaking break ups and splits and nod my head sagely saying Shakespeare was oh so wrong. I never experienced a break up myself but I considered myself lucky I was spared the trouble. I was one of the joyless club, I thought, but then I think I’d prefer to think I was part of the better-safe-than-sorry group. So I threw away that silly sonnet I carefully wrote on a piece of Cattleya note and lovingly taped on my college clipboard. Shakespeare was a fraud and love is just that, an urban myth.

And then, Love found me. My True Love found me in my most hidden corner, sulking bitterly over the silliness of life. And I learned, it’s not that Shakespeare was wrong.Its just that I have been looking for love in the wrong places. I have been searching and expecting it from other people who never really knew what Love is. I have been scouring every piece of romance novel I could find for my happily ever after and was more surprised I never found it there. True love cannot be found in a mere piece of paper or corruptible flesh. Love is this: that He gave His son, His only begotten Son, for us.

That’s love. That is my One True Love.

P.S. And yes, He proved Shakespeare right, every bit of what is written in Sonnet 116 is true.

 

 

Developing Oneself while Developing K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials

This week's Workshop on the Development of K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials here at the GSP Helena Z. Benitez National Program and Training Center here in Tagaytay City is both a professional and personal growth time for me.

The writers @ GSP, Helena Z. Benitez National Program
and Training Center, Tagaytay City.

We were required to study the ALS curriculum vis-a-vis the K to 12 Curriculum of the formal school. Just going over the differences, similarities and gaps between the two is a nerve wracking process. Findings revealed that the ALS Curriculum for Basic Education is not that different from the K to 12 Curriculum once the gaps have been addressed... and that is the reason why we are here - to address the differences.

I have always been a solo-worker.

I don't really resent other people's opinion regarding how I work but the artistic bent in me desires full and free expression. I want to be able to fully explore all options and possibilities available to me.

However, we were grouped into learning strands and we were expected to work together. Since I am not used to it, I did not know how to approach this particular project. But with Ma'am Cora from La Carlota and Ma'am Elaine from Cavite, I was able to learn something essential. I can work with a partner or a group.

I can work even if I am not very interested in the material I am developing. I can actually surrender  and leave everything to God. I can go with the flow and trust that He will not drop me as long as I rely upon Him for everything.

I will probably be talking of all the other experiences, moving and touching experiences I had this week but yes, I feel so blessed because He never left my side at all.

All the Time in the World

 

When I heard from our household head that our area coordinator in the lower north sector of the CFC-SFC is leaving for abroad, the only words that crossed my mind was “I thought I had more time.”

I thought I had more time. I did not realize how much I would regret taking a rain check for a sleepover with the two of them last December. I never expected that I would regret clamming up whenever she asked me questions because I thought we were in a rather public setting. I never thought I would regret holding back questions I would have popped up just because I was afraid what those questions would reflect about me, and who I am or how people see me. If only I were more forthcoming, more open, more accepting, more courageous…

Sayang. So many wasted opportunities. So many chances of getting to know a woman who is so spirit-filled and so blessed as Sis Tess is. I could have talked to her. I could have shared, really shared with her.

What held me back? Fear?Trepidation? The usual social- distance- rule engraved upon me from my rather dry and sterile background? Being too shy? Insecure?

Cold creature comforts tonight – as I think of the overflowing blessings and graces I received just by listening to her address us in general. I listened to her and I was comforted, affirmed, strengthened, reminded, loved…

She has allowed God to love others through her. And I thought I had all the time in the world to really, really share in her life.

But all the time in the world ended today…..

Like an Avalanche

I have never experienced an avalanche… but I have experienced this.

Yes, I find myself here on my knees again. Caught up in grace like an avalanche. Nothing compares to this love burning in my heart. And no, it’s not my love but His love…setting fire to my soul, creating a new song in my parched heart… A wellspring of love, unending, majestic and consuming love.

Through the Mirage

Two day's after the SFC Provincial Conference and I am feeling another bout of restlessness. 

I took the day off (well, not totally since I am also working on the MIS at home), in order to think about certain matters, and ask myself questions that I fear to answer.

I am currently reading a book by Robert Fabing, SJ which deals with Self Knowledge. The Spiritual Life: Recognizing the Holy is one difficult book to understand. You just can't pause somewhere in the chapter and expect things to flow when you take up the book next time.

It demands a thorough read through (huh). Anyway, this reaffirms ( I am getting terribly fond of the word), my experience during the Weekend Retreat at the Carmelite Missionaries in Duenas. 

And I have come to realize the same thing as well. I am living an image. I could not consciously remember everything but I realized that the real me has not emerged. What people see is the me I wanted them to see. Reliable, serious, dependable, non-threatening, soft-spoken, quiet and mousy, Miss Do-It-All. They think I am this nice girl in the corner who simply loves to have life pass her by. They think I am this obedient and self-sacrificing daughter.

But deep inside, a voice was rebelliously and querulously plotting the downfall of such a person. I am not Miss Goody-two-shoes. I am the empty shell of a girl denying her real self.

Inside me, there is emptiness... I do not know how to love. I know responsibility, obligation, and decency. I also know about morality and accountability. I value honesty.

And I wanted to be perfect for a reason. But I am not perfect. I am totally imperfect. I am a fake. Inside me is an angry grl crying out, screaming in frustration and rejection. I have been rejected and in order to protect myself from such a pain, I denied all feelings. I became an automaton.

Currently, through my work as a Mobile Teacher and thru the SFC community, I am being taught how to love. I have come to know social feeling through my learners. But I have yet to learn of love. I know God loves me but I am the one incapable of it.

I would not know love even if it gobbles me up alive because my idealized self killed all feelings inside. I realized I have been dead for a long time now. 

The Spiritual Life, according to this book, is a journey inward... a process of getting to know oneself, getting to know the real self.

I used to think I knew who I really am. Now, I realized I truly do not know who I am... and I want to know who I am as God created me, not as I wanted to appear to others... I want to be real. To be true. I have been faked for a long time. I have been seeking for a long time. 

Lord, I pray, give me the wisdom to know where to look for that self I have hidden from for a long, long time. I also pray for the courage to confront the person You have created me to be... and not hide from it anymore...as mentioned before, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"... and I want to know that fearful and wonderful creature You have created. 

My Journey: Personal and Intimate

I am on a journey. I now see how the earth is supposed to be our land of adventure and discovery and the one thing that we seek is God.

I did not see it this way before. I knew I was on a Journey. I just never realized what that journey was for. I knew I was seeking something. I just did not know what it was. I also know I was supposed to be doing something as well, that I have a task in this world. I am just not sure what that was.

So, I went on with life as if I were simply travelling. I was a bus with no route. A traveler with no map and no specific destination. Was I lost? No, I don't think I was. I can only be lost if I have a destination in mind and I am no longer in the right path towards that end.  But as it is, I had no place to go. I was just moving around.

But not anymore. After SFC, after that single retreat before lent, I have come to realize a lot of things. I am on a pilgrimage towards Christ. My life is like the story of everyone else who walked this earth before me. Just like our graduation song in elementary school - we are pilgrims on the journey ...a journey back into the embrace of our God.


Although I have come to the ripe old age of 26, I have only taken a few, mincing steps forward. Most of the sprint, the walk, the climb even the crawl that I made in the past were made towards other directions but not towards the right one.

Now, step by step, like an infant learning to walk, I am making my way towards Him. The path is not clear. The road is not easy. And the funny thing about walking down this foggy road is you cannot even see the map. It's dark. It's too quiet by far. It's my journey alone.  But, I am holding on to Someone's hand this time. I am listening to Someone's voice as He guides me along the way.

He loves me. He loves me with the kind of fearsome, frightening love that sends me to my knees every time I realize and feel it. But, I cannot honestly tell Him that I love Him. Not yet. There is a little of it in here, in my heart, but it is not yet the all-encompassing and outpouring love - the love that I long to give Him, the love that I know I am capable of giving to Him. All of me, and everything in Me.

But that is the end of my journey. Me and Christ. Reconciled. Me loving Him with all that I am and everything that is in me. Me basking in the wonder of His love and mercy.

The CFC-SFC Covenant

After completing the Christian Life Program of the CFC-SFC last year and during the Lord’s Day last August 28, 2011, we were given our SFC tool kit containing a sort of welcome note, the CFC guidelines for business dealings between or among members, the SFC Bible Reading Guide, a one-year reading guide for reading through the new testament, an ID, and a little booklet thingy which enumerates the Covenant of the CFC Singles for Christ.

Here is what is written in that covenant.

Trusting in the Lord’s help and guidance:

1. I shall live as a follower of Christ:

·         Pray daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Read Scriptures daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Live a righteous life and avoid situations which are occasions for sin.

·         Put good order into my private life and support my parents in building a Christian family.

·         Participate regularly in the worship life of my church.

2. I will work towards the evangelization and transformation of my work place, my family and my community:

·         Put good order in my work situation

·         Be a witness of the love and power of the Lord Jesus in my work and in my family

·         Be a good steward of all resources entrusted to me.

·         Be a good citizen of my country, obeying its laws and protecting its environment.

3. I will be a committed and active member of the CFC Singles for Christ:

·         Attend my small group meetings regularly and support the good order of the meetings.

·         Faithfully participate in all the activities of the group.

·         Relate in love, loyalty to and respect for all my brothers and sisters in the Lord.

·         Intercede daily for the group and its mission.

4. I will make myself available to the Lord for service:

·         Bring other single men and women to Christ.

·         Give generously of my time and resources to the Lord’s service, whenever I am called and follow directions of those who have responsibility for the service.

·         Support the work of Couples for Christ and its ministries.

5. I will study and seek to grow as a Christian person:

·         Attend all teachings, retreats, seminars and conferences of the CFC Singles for Christ.

·         Diligently study all materials given to me.

May the Lord Jesus Christ help me to be faithful in living out this commitment everyday for His greater honor and glory and for the good of my brothers and sisters.

_____________________________________________

Signature

Until now, I have not yet signed the covenant because of certain fears, and certain issues that I have not yet clarified. I told myself I was not ready to follow it. In fact, I am not the only one who has not signed the covenant. I know several brothers and sisters who have not signed theirs because of the fear and the doubts that clouds the heart – maybe, I can’t live up to the covenant, I am afraid of disappointing the Lord,  I am not good enough, I am unworthy, I am not strong enough…

We only see the bottom line – the blank that requires our signature. I did too. I keep seeing the back flap of the booklet every time I attempt to sign. It seems to mock me in my humanity, my weakness…

History shows how many times covenants have failed. In fact, man seems to be predesigned to fail God most of the time. We have so many custom-made excuses for our failure to obey Him. I am only human, we say. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. No wonder SFC newbies are afraid to sign this covenant. It asks us too much. And we want to have the excuse that if we did fail, we can only say that we have not signed anything – but this, this contract is very clear in its stipulations.

However, in all our worldly fears, we seem to have forgotten a statement at the beginning.

It says: TRUSTING IN THE LORD”S HELP AND GUIDANCE…I WILL…

I would never have signed this covenant… until yesterday’s exposition with our retreat master, Sr. Rose of the Carmelite Missionary.

Last Saturday, I was made to face my fears and my pains and there were a great many of them. They led to a feeling of numbness, a “deadness” inside that festered and affected my growth as a child of God. I took on roles and lived fixedly to those roles all the while thinking that if I let my masks slip, the world will reject me. I became the selfless daughter, the workaholic government employee, the patient teacher, the generous sister, the nice friend… but they were all on the surface. It was not me, not who I am. The self, according to Sister Rose, has four layers. We have the outer layer, the role self (the masks we wear), then we have the natural self, the actual self, and the true self.

It pained me to realize that I never really progressed from the outer layer. My actions, the things I do, never really came close to who I am. And this has destroyed all semblance of self-knowledge. I was a broken person, someone who barely knows who she is.

The fears and the pain clouded everything in me that despite all endeavours, I never really felt God’s love…until yesterday morning when His love, his amazing love, destroyed me…or who I thought I was.

He loves me. I felt it. His tremendous love humbles me and drives me to my knees time and again. I do not need to feel rejection because He loves me. And that is all that matters. His love.

So today, (err, I wanted to wait until Sunday but I want to sign this today), I will be signing my personal covenant with the God who loves me. I am not perfect. I am not strong enough. I am not worthy and no matter what I do, I will never be worthy of that love He has for me. To wait until I become worthy, perfect and strong enough will be to wait forever.

But, He has promised to help me. He has promised to hold my right hand. And I will always turn to Him when things go wrong and I start reverting to my masks.

I will trust Him, trust in His love.

Desert Song

My facebook timeline indicates that I am currently going through a Desert Experience. Currently wading though sandstorms and all that head. Whew. (I am feeling physically tired too).

Right now, after the ALS Lingap Kalikasan Program (tree planting), and while waddling through tons of paperwork, I can't help but think about the escape I so long for.

Anyway, tomorrow the CFC-SFC will have its retreat at the Carmelite House in Dingle ( I am not really oversure of the venue), and yes, I am looking forward to the experience.

This will be the first retreat I will be joining after high school. I have been looking forward to joining such retreats I just never had the chance, time and opportunity to do so.

And while were at it, above is the song I keep listening when I am down in the dumps. It does make you feel better afterwards.