God’s Presence in Every Journey

 

Life is a journey. And we don’t have to travel alone.

That is my realization during our sisters’ household prayer meeting this afternoon. Seven of us made it to the prayer meeting and each one shared their personal reflections about today’s Gospel from John 19: 31-37.

As household head, I read all the readings in advance. I did not want a repeat performance of our previous household meeting where I stumbled over the Gospel reading because I was not able to reflect on it. It was during that HH meeting that I learned it is part of my responsibility as household head to lead by example. I know we’re supposed to read the Daily Readings and reflect on them but sometimes, I fail to do this prayerfully (yeah, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak).

Today is the Feast of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. The readings focused on God’s love made manifest in Jesus’ humanity and Passion all lovingly and willingly offered for mankind – for me.

I felt moved by the Scripture readings today. My sisters in the community also affirmed that they felt the same way.

We shared our experiences and personal struggles and how we relied on His love, how we, sometimes, forget to bask in that love in our effort to control our lives, in the fears and pressures we feel everyday.

Today, we felt that we were urged to:

1. Believe that God loves us

The first reading today is a blatant reminder and testament of the kind of love God feels towards His people. It maybe addressed to the Israelites but I can easily picture myself in their stead.

“I loved Israel when he was a child; out of Egypt I called my son. But the more I have called, the further they have gone from me – sacrificing to the Baals, burning incense to idols… How can I give you up, Ephraim? Can I abandon you like Admah or make you like Ziboiim? My heart is troubled within me and I am moved with compassion. I will not give vent to my greater anger; I will not return to destroy Ephraim for I am God and not human. I am the Holy One in your midst and I do not want to come to you in anger.” – Hos 11: 1-2, 8-9

Despite whatever sinfulness and unworthiness and inadequacies we may feel, we should not hide from Him because He welcomes us with open arms. In fact, whenever we are troubled, we should run towards Him instead.

2. Keep our focus upon Christ on the Cross

It’s so easy to forget that God loves us especially when we are in a difficult or impossible situation.

     …..When our friends betray us

     …..when the pressure of people’s expectations overwhelm us

     …..when difficulties and struggles continually pile up to undermine our resolve to continue following Him

     …..when jealousies, lack of forgiveness, anger, and doubt asail our faith

These situations can sometimes get the best of us. However, we must not forget to look at our circumstances in the light of His love.

Jesus went through all these. All of His friends disappeared when He needed them the most. People, especially His followers expected a lot from Him which He knew He was not meant to do.

Before we went through our own personal pains, Jesus went through so much more for us. He did not have to do that, but He did, for us… His love held Him on the cross to restore us in relationship with the Father.

He did all that. So, when things become impossible, look at the cross and gaze upon Jesus. Let your gaze be a prayer too.

Each one of us has a struggle. Every one of us in the community is going through our own personal journeys. But, we don’t have to walk our journeys alone. We can travel with each other, continue to encourage each other, bless each other and pray for each other. We can walk as a community… and we can walk individually and personally with Jesus.

Our hope is in this: that in this journey, we will keep growing spiritually, richly affirmed by each others personal journeys as shared during prayer meetings like this one.

A Love like His

 

Is this a sign?

 

I once heard from someone somewhere (I think that was from an aspirant during a discernment talk) that priests and religious sisters are required to fall in love first. A romantic relationship is a requirement. Well, that’s a requirement where I fall short. You see, I have never had a boyfriend and I never once imagined myself in love (I do not know what love is!)

I wanted to become a religious sister mainly because I do not want my life to go to waste. I’d rather be a religious sister than a bitter, old spinster. I was not exactly dead set on it. It was an option I refused to give up simply because I really have not fallen in love.

Let me tell you what I think about romantic love. As a romance novel junkie (I read romance novels a lot!), I thought I was a romantic at heart. I did not realize that I never really believed in love. Experience, observation, readings, telenovela surfing (I do not watch teleserye and telenovela a lot) taught me that love is temporary. It also taught me that love is reciprocal (the formula should always be man+woman=love). However, love fades and when one of the partners find someone new, it would be so easy to replace the former.

So, I decided to just read about love in pocketbooks. They are safer there. Let me tell you how awfully affected I am whenever a love ends (like the hero cheats on the girl, the girl does not really get the guy in the end etc). I always cry and sometimes, when cheating is involved, my dreams will be haunted by the broken relationships I just witnessed.My pet peeved has always been cheating. I am always high strung whenever my family watch teleserye’s that carry that particular arc.

So for me, love fades. Love ends. Love is temporary. Love is not forever. Love is selfish. Love never lasts.

I was not into lovesongs, except those on unrequited love. I prefer country songs, rock music,and other music that never dwells on love. It upsets me.

Until I fell in love.

Years ago, I would not have called it love. I would have relegated it under the “crush” category. Mostly, my crushes were unattainable people. People I never really talk to. I guess it’s pretty much safer that way.

It’s fascinating how God used this very human emotion to show me His love. I needed an example, I guess. I needed to know what His love felt like. I wanted to understand. How can He love someone like me? Why does He bother? What does He feel?

My dearest friend doesn’t find my crush handsome. In fact, when I told her that I think (let’s call him Jordan shall we) Jordan is in love with another, my friend told me to “get over him, he’s ugly anyway.” He is not my usual type. I was not expecting to fall for him since I thought of him as a kid brother, no more and no less although I already admired a lot of his qualities.

The feeling sneak up on me until one day, I just looked up and found myself looking for his familiar, comforting presence amidst a crowd of hostility.

Back then, I was discerning. Should I become a Carmelite or shouldn’t I? How am I supposed to break the news to my mother? How about my debts? I was not pretty sure how to proceed.

I am still discerning but unlike before, I no longer have my mind closed against marriage. It’s true, marriage isn’t just an institution, sometimes, it’s a person. I never once considered getting married and having a family until I fell in love with him. I never once imagined myself hitched before. So, my Carmelite plans are on hold until I join the weekend retreat I needed to join before I turn 30.

I heard he is in love too. It’s okay with me. It only made me understand how Jesus feels every time I turn away from Him to seek comfort elsewhere.

You see, I am a troublesome little fellow, trying to find my identity and love in food, books, career and my family that I forgot the single source of my being. When I felt the bittersweet idea that the person I love is in love with another, I came to understand how God must have felt every time I turn away from Him.

And because of this, I now make a conscious effort to turn to Him all the time. My love hurts me or disappoints me, I run to Jesus and hug Him. Jesus loves me enough and He will never ever deem me unworthy of Him. He has made me worthy. He has cleansed me. He has died for me. That’s the kind of love Jesus has. Eternal. Everlasting. Selfless. Self-sacrificing. Our priests called it a “martyr’s” kind of love.

Hearing this message and experiencing this message are two different things. What I feel for Jordan is only a little bit of the love Jesus feels for me. I can only wish the utmost happiness for Jordan and whoever it is that he loves. And I can only wait for whatever it is that my Eternal Lover has planned, designed and willed for me even if it means another person to love.

As Long as It Takes

In our earthly journey, we often come to a standstill... a point where taking a step back feels as dangerous as making another step forward. A point where it's too dark to make any move in any direction at all...

At this point, you feel like you are going nowhere and you do not know what direction to take or where to go. So, what do you do? I am at this point. I can't move forward and I can't move backward... all I can do is play this song over and over and over again.

Becoming that Person

 

 

      Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what you want me to be – and becoming that person.- St. Therese of Lisieux

 

 

 

 

From the start, I have always been a very complicated person who likes to complicate everything especially when it comes to emotions. What could have been simple becomes very complicated in my hands and in my mind.

Sometimes, I find dealing with myself quite hard. I even managed to think of this difficult person as someone separate from myself but is still a part of me. However, I want to believe that I am just a simple person. I like pretending I am one.

But then, when I think about the kind of God we have, I am bound to believe that as His creation, I am not simple at all. So, maybe I should stop pretending that I am one. He has designed and executed an intricate and complex plan for creation after all. 

However, if I try to add the needs and wants filling every nook and cranny of my very person, it would be too much, indeed. Although complex in its execution, intricate in its blue print, all our needs and wants can be met with something terribly simple. It’s too simple in fact that we often fail to grasp it in its simplicity.

As we live, every day, we ask ourselves, Who am I? What am I here for? And we come up with a lot of complex and complicated answers to these ones. We think in terms of the roles we play when we consider our responses to the first question. For the second question, we consider our first responses too.

My responses to the first question were:

1. I am a Mobile Teacher

2. I am a daughter

3. I am the eldest sister

Thus, I come up with these responses to the second question:

1. I am here to teach out-of-school children, youth and adults;

2. I am here to obey my mother and father and show them my love and affection (actually, I meant to write – to please my mother)

3. I am here to serve as a model for my younger siblings (in thought, word, and deed).

 

However, a time would usually come when my roles and purposes would overwhelm me, oppress me, and limit me too. And, at some point, I come at a stand still, because I would realize how transient these roles are, how ineffectual and how unimportant at times and how lonely I would become too.

But today, it came upon me that I have one identity and my purpose is connected with it too.

I am the daughter of a King. I am here to get to know my Father, to love my Father, and to love all His children as well. All other things would serve only to distract me form this one purpose.

Now, how does that connect with me and my life? Well, that is what this journey is all about.

Beloved 2013

 

At the end of 2013, I was confused and a little out of sort. I was often not thinking clearly. I was feeling down and discouraged. Walking with Jesus while holding hands with the devil is a difficult  experience, and a humiliating one.

So, I was not able to write a year-ender that would clearly show what 2013 was like. I needed to look back and realized that the answer was just there, staring at me. It’s like a veil has been lifted.

2013 is a beautiful year despite the pains and trials that my heart and soul went through. It was beautiful exactly because of those pains.

This 2013, I realized and really felt that I am a daughter of God. But realizing that I am His daughter does not make me perfect in an instant. There is still an ongoing struggle of dying everyday against my own desire to be, what the world would call, myself. That self was a creature of darkness who only considers her self at the center of every thought, decision and action.

This 2013, I also appreciated being a Roman Catholic. Our so called religion is so rich with tradition and rituals which are often misunderstood and persecuted even by Roman Catholics themselves. I always avoided calling myself a Roman Catholic because of the distrust I felt over these very same traditions and rituals. I don’t want to be like my grandmother who is so dogmatic in her faith nor do I want to be like those people who come to church and curse and yell and hate other people outside it. I did not go to church because I think of these same people as hypocrites, going to church and not living up to the tenets of Christianity. Now, I hear the mass and go to confession not because it is required or desirable for a Catholic to do so. I want to be a part of that community that worship Him and I long for my soul and my heart to be healed and touched by Him. Attending SFC Household meetings and conferences is no longer enough. I need Him too much to wait for SFC activities.. And about my fellow “hypocritical Catholics? I remember what our supervisor once told me when I explained why I do not go to Church “You do not hear the mass for them, but for Him.” It did not make sense before, but it does now. And so, the judgmental, prideful and sick daughter of the Lord goes to church…

This 2013, I felt and experienced His love. When people used to ask  me if I love God,  I did not answer. I really did not know. How can I love someone who does not care about me? Despite what they taught us, despite John 3:16, I just did not get it. John 3:16 will remain a verse until you experience what God’s love truly means. This 2013, I experienced more of His love. What felt as a short, swift caress before became an onslaught and outpouring this 2013. It’s not because He did not love me. It’s because I did not trust Him so I did not open up myself to Him. His persistent love is overwhelming in its intensity, strong and gentle, forgiving, merciful, kind and understanding but firm despite it all. Everyday, I have to be reminded of that love. It’s so easy to forget that I am His daughter, that He loves me so much when you encounter so much pain, and problems and difficulties everyday.  Honestly, there are days when I keenly feel His presence but there are days when He is just so absent in my life and during those days, I would feel so lonely and so alone despite the presence of people around me. I would ask, why can’t He just be here every moment and every day of my life? I know and understand during those times, I should trust Him. But knowing and feeling are not the same and sometimes, feelings would just overwhelm me and I would start fearing.

I feel that I should be a religious sister because I long for the perfection of the union of my soul with Him. I see no other way that this could be possible. I don’t know what to do with my life as it is. But I don’t have the courage to do what I feel I should do.

So, I wait. Wait for more this 2014. Wait for His will to unfold. Wait and trust in His ways.

 

The people in my life this 2013

My family                                                Graduate School folks

My ALS Family                                         My learners

My SFC Family

                                                  You are the Light of the World

                                                   by Simon Dewey

Making a Choice: How to Love (Pt.1)

Love is a verb that requires an object.

That is the one sure thing I have learned about love. Touchy subject.So, how do I live my life in love? Living in love is truly living out your vocation or living according to God’s purpose for you.

I became aware that the Christian vocation may be lived out in any of the three basic ways : the married state, the single state in the world, and the religious state.

I used to think that when you say vocation, you really mean becoming a nun. That to go on a vocational discernment retreat (or something) is to emerge as a nun. But its not like that at all. A vocation is God’s calling for us to carry out a particular role he has designated for us in his plan. And God’s plan is none other than to bring all people in union with Him. (from a booklet by the Daughters of St. Paul)

I am at that point in life where I am seriously thinking about my vocation, something I have not done before.Until that fateful (and a little reluctant, yes, sadly, when it comes to God, I have been a reluctant disciple…) and eventful individual consultation with one of the nuns from the Daughters of St. Paul. (That was during the Singles for Christ’s Western Visayas Regional Conference last September 27-29, 2013 at Ateneo de Iloilo). She told me that the age limit for entering as an aspirant with the Daughters of St. Paul was 28 years old. I have reached that limit. 

If I don’t do something, a door will close for me, a door I am fondly considering. I like what the Daughters of St. Paul is doing. The Daughters of St. Paul is an international religious congregation of women who are called and consecrated to proclaim Jesus Christ and make His WORD alive to the world by witnessing to a life lived through prayer, study, community life and through the apostolate of social communications.

The nun I talked to (I forgot to ask her name!), said I could come and visit them anytime in their place in Iloilo. I could visit their Chapel just to pray and talk to them. The problem with this girl she was talking to is that if it involves taking the initiative, you will just have to wait forever. I never take the first step. I like being dragged around because if things go wrong, I could always blame the one who dragged me around! If Peter was the disciple who denied Jesus, and Judas betrayed Jesus, and Paul persecuted Jesus, and Jonah tried to run away from God, I guess my claim to fame (well, in my own mind) is that I am the reluctant believer! I want to, yes, but I am a coward!You need to force me to do something I actually wanted to do in the first place (but, tell me not to do something and I will set my mind on doing just that!). Besides, I like being sure and certain of things. (And I was told how erroneous this need is, fueled probably by a lack of faith in the One who holds my forever).

So now, I am seriously pondering where God is calling me, where He is leading me. I can recall several  things from the consultation and from the RECON itself.

1. I don’t have much time left until one of the three options is taken away from me forever.

2. I need to pray for the grace of  courage to do what God has called me to do.

3. I should learn to trust God with my future and not secure my future by myself (she told me that. I have the tendency to “ensure” my future and refuse to listen to His loving urgings).

4. Not all are called to serve Him in this way.  It’s a special call.

5. I need to be open to wherever He leads me. I should be open to all three vocations: the married state, single blessedness, and the religious life, while discerning and praying for my vocation, for His call for me. (I guess I clued her into the fact that I want single blessedness over the other two because holy matrimony and the religious life wreaks a lot of havoc in my heart ( I am afraid of both).

6. I need to pray, to listen to Him attentively so that indeed, I would be responding to His will, not mine, not my mother’s, not other peoples’ but His alone (freaking out here, how do I do that?)

I don’t know where this will lead me. I am not even sure if I want to know or if I am ready to know the answer. I don’t know where I will get the courage to tell my mother that, if I am called to the religious life, to be a bride of Christ, that I would be doing what she has called  “my foolishness”. (I used to joke about becoming a nun, just to tease them, just as I joke about getting married when I get irked with them a bit for disregarding me).

During the Provincial Conference last year, I felt that aching call which I set aside because I cannot face it at that time. I was unwilling, a lot unwilling and I told myself that maybe, my vocation was to become a blessing to everyone by staying single, because I could reach more people in the “normal state”.

Then, in this year’s RECON, why is there a discontent? A persistence for something else. Why is there a restlessness, a dissatisfaction in my soul? Why is there a call for more? I am already doing mission work just by being a teacher to my out of school youth and adult learners! I am already so blessed in my present state really. This should be enough. I am happy with my journey but why is it that there seems to be more, that there is something much deeper, richer and fuller somewhere out there?

I don’t want to regret not doing this. I am unsure where to start, but I am sure He will teach me, lead me, and make His will known to me.

I am His Beloved

 

 

Love is something I would have never touched with a two foot pole. Love is something I used to reserve to describe an emotion I would rather read about than experience. Love is something I always thought would eventually just lead to tears and disappointments.

I am familiar with hard work and dedication. I am very intimately connected with words like “obligation” and “responsibility” and “sacrifice”.

But I can’t seem to connect love and myself in one sentence….

I am currently reading “The Story of a Soul” by St. Therese of Lisieux and I feel a little resentful because God did not give me parents like He gave Therese Martin. The “Little Queen” (as her father called her) had a childhood filled with so much love – from her parents and her sisters and from her God. At such a young age, she was already drawn to the divine.

She has so much love to draw from.

I grew up in a household where love is not demonstrated. So, I grew up cold and callous and uncaring, not because I chose to be cold and uncaring but because I did not know how to be anything else. There was just nothing inside my heart. I used to feel nothing at all. I was seldom moved by compassion, seldom moved to tears, seldom touched by scenes that would have made others cry. I felt neither pain nor comfort, neither joy nor sorrow. Everything was gray. I only feel the things that hurt my pride. I was simply existing, moving on from one chapter of my life and stoically smiling over tragedies and triumphs, while inside, there was just this empty hole.

I was incapable of love because I never felt love.

St. Therese said “… I understood that if all the lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would lose its springtide beauty, and the fields would no longer be enamelled with lovely hues.” Why can’t I have had parents like St. Therese’s mother and father so that I would have grown up into a loving woman like St. Therese… so that I could have had known and loved God with all of me ever since I was a child?

But then, who am I to question His plan for my life? He gave me my Nanay and Tatay because He had His reasons. My parents are good parents.They are responsible parents and they loved me in ways I had not seen because I was expecting them to love me in a certain way. And now, I can honestly say that I love them… just as I love my brothers and sisters. No, not out of familial obligation and responsibility but out of something inside me that has been growing and breaking free since I felt how much He loves me.

Love is now a wonderful feeling. Love is now this strange and beautiful thing I hold out in the open when I am alone. It is something that I ponder and wonder at in the silence of my solitude. Love is so amazing. Love is everything and if not for my experiences, if not for the lack of love in my life before, if not for that void in my heart, I would not have this kind of appreciation, and sense of wonder before It.

Love is God. God is Love. God is amazing. Love is amazing. God is wonderful. Love is wonderful. Love is all I need. God is all I need… because I am His beloved and He is mine… And I love Him with all that I am….

See how He works? Glory and praise to the King alone.