God’s Miracles and our Roles in Them

 

The last time I attended our Lower North Sector Upper Heads Meeting was last March. A lot of conflicts in my schedule and certain emotional and spiritual state issues got in the way. (I probably did not think too much about the value of attending our Upper Heads Meetings).

Last week, I decided that no matter what my emotional or spiritual state is, I am going to attend these Prayer Meetings… it does not matter if they are near or far or if someone is going to travel with me to these parts but I will be attending them anyway.

My desires and decisions were affirmed in our Chapter Assembly and Prayer Meetings for the month of July. Sis Remz said “Unaha lang bala ya ana ka Diyos, indi ka guid magsala.” (Put God first and you will never go wrong).

Why have I failed to attend our upper heads meetings? One reason is I like to say yes to keep the peace at home. Nanay does not like it when I go off to wherever it is I go off for SFC. So, in my desire not to rock the boat, I would just stay at home and sulk. The lack of financial resources is another. I have made a mess of the resources God has given me (that is another story in itself), so I am suffering the consequences now. So sometimes, I can’t go because I do not have the money for the fare. Another reason is the emotional and spiritual state I am in. I have work to do and I am tired have become overused phrases for a long while now.

But, in truth, it’s just my lack of faith and commitment and my laziness that gets in the way. It’s true. God gives you everything you ask from Him especially when the purpose is for His kingdom. It’s just that I do not ask because sometimes, it’s easier to hide in my room and let life run away from me.

But, today I felt deeply affirmed for having attended the Upper Heads meeting. It has always been like this in our Upper Heads meetings. I don’t know exactly what the difference is but after it, I would feel stronger, better, and comforted. I would go home with a lightness and gladness of heart even if I would still be going home to the same problems and issues I left behind in the first place. I just feel spiritually stronger.

Today, I clearly felt God’s consolation and love. I felt His invitation. I realized that invitation has always been there. I felt He has been asking me to serve Him in this way but I have always refused Him because I desired something else, something easier, something I wanted when He wanted something else.

I thought I was an ALS Mobile Teacher because He planned to use ALS as a stepping stone in my rise to a higher position. I did not know that higher position does not mean a promotion along the higher echelons of DepEd. His promotion was something else. He wants me to do what He has done, to walk the path He has walked, to reach out to the people who needs the most, to go out and gather the the lost, the least and the last.

I am a Mobile Teacher not just for show. He led me into this particular work for a reason and it’s not just for me to grow in here. He has a purpose and I am praying that He would help heal my bitterness and my pain so I can be of better use in His miracles…

My Love Kita! Experience

Or Why I Attend SFC Conferences…

Attending the CFC-SFC Iloilo Provincial Conference for 2015 was God’s personal surprise for me.

I never expected that I would be able to attend the said conference. For the last two months, I have cajoled,convinced and threatened my mother to allow me to attend the said conference… but deep inside, I have already given up on the possibilities. I am far too cowardly to get what I wanted anyway.

I once threatened Nanay with a text message demanding that she should allow me to attend our ProvCon  since I am very close to my “snapping point”. When she asked me what I meant, I chickened out and told her to ignore what I said.

Nanay does not want me to go because she considers Carles too far (but its okay for me to attend work-related conferences to Baguio, Tagaytay and Cebu City… huh, figure that out). She also thinks that I can always worship God in my room or at Church which is the most important part of my relationship with God. (She just does not understand or maybe, she understands too well since she was once an active member of a religious org in her heydays!)

What changed the weather? I did. Or maybe, God enabled me to. He gave me the courage, the resources, and the opportunity to attend the conference at the last minute…

Few people will understand why Singles for Christ attend conferences like this one. In fact, until I experienced those conferences, I was never that eager to go. I mean, why spend the weekend in discomfort? (Our Love Kita! experience was definitely a story worth retelling).

Well, here are my reasons for attending SFC Conferences. Maybe someday, Nanay would be able to read this and understand why I feel the need, the longing to encounter my Beloved through SFC conferences.

1. I am given the chance to step out of the fast-lane called life and reflect on my part in God’s grand scheme.

Travel time from Passi City to Carles (the venue for the 2015 ProvCon) took 3-4 hours. We took the bus from Passi to Roxas and waited for the bus to Balasan from Crossing Lanot. After the two-hour ride to Balasan, we rode a jeepney to Carles (about 30 minutes).

 

The travel time alone is enough to let you think about life and where it is taking you. For me, the destination is not just the goal. Most of my significant musings and discussions with the Lord happens over the long-distance travel from our residence to wherever it is He is taking me.

One of my most memorable TRAVELOGUE with the Lord occurred on the four-hour trip to Concepcion, the venue of last year’s Intimacy Weekend Retreat. Because I had a prior engagement, I had to travel alone. And yes, it was the best travel experience of my life so far… because I felt His presence-His enfolding, protecting, loving presence on that bus ride to Concepcion.I felt so blessed and so overwhelmed that day.

2. I get to worship Christ on a deeper level, in the company of likeminded people who share in His love.

One of the experiences that I look forward to during Conferences is the Praise Fest. Praise fests are lengthy worship moments. During praise fests, we get to praise, glorify and worship the Lord through corporate worship,and by singing,praise and worship songs…

 

I am not a very expressive person but in the privacy, intimacy and solemnity of a praise fest in the SFC community, I feel as if I am able to freely let go and worship the Lord. I am allowed to openly immerse myself in His presence, in His pleasure, in His love.

During moments like this, I keep imagining the Lord, looking down upon all of us, with a pleased and happy smile on His face, and loving tears in His eyes.

I feel as if through this, I am able to express my love for Him and show that I know how good He is, how awesome, and amazing and how I believe that His love is so great and perfect. Through the praise fest, I get to express what words can never truly convey.

3. Through conferences like this, I get to encounter Christ.

 

Our Love Kita! experience has given me a unique perspective about life and about God’s love. The parish priest’s homily reminded us not to keep ourselves “exclusive” as a community. The charismatic revival, he said, was meant to empower the Church, to keep it burning hot and on fire. Instead of keeping God’s love within our community, we should reach out to the rest of the world.

And I realized what he meant by that the very next day when, in search of water (since the water supply in our lodging area was cut off), a poor couple offered us their home for our morning ablutions. They were not part of the community, and their home, after being devastated by Yolanda, was still in an impoverished state. But, they were very generous, and accommodating to us.

I think this is what the Parish Priest meant. Our activities within the community should not be limited therein. We must bring love especially outside the community for a lot of people need that love.

My encounter with the Lord taught me this…. We live in a broken world. Broken adults are raising broken children. And broken people, like broken glass, hurt others that comes into contact with it.

Christ is the healer of our brokenness and the world needs Him. It needs us to bring them to Him and Him to them through our actions, our words and our very lives.

A Love like His

 

Is this a sign?

 

I once heard from someone somewhere (I think that was from an aspirant during a discernment talk) that priests and religious sisters are required to fall in love first. A romantic relationship is a requirement. Well, that’s a requirement where I fall short. You see, I have never had a boyfriend and I never once imagined myself in love (I do not know what love is!)

I wanted to become a religious sister mainly because I do not want my life to go to waste. I’d rather be a religious sister than a bitter, old spinster. I was not exactly dead set on it. It was an option I refused to give up simply because I really have not fallen in love.

Let me tell you what I think about romantic love. As a romance novel junkie (I read romance novels a lot!), I thought I was a romantic at heart. I did not realize that I never really believed in love. Experience, observation, readings, telenovela surfing (I do not watch teleserye and telenovela a lot) taught me that love is temporary. It also taught me that love is reciprocal (the formula should always be man+woman=love). However, love fades and when one of the partners find someone new, it would be so easy to replace the former.

So, I decided to just read about love in pocketbooks. They are safer there. Let me tell you how awfully affected I am whenever a love ends (like the hero cheats on the girl, the girl does not really get the guy in the end etc). I always cry and sometimes, when cheating is involved, my dreams will be haunted by the broken relationships I just witnessed.My pet peeved has always been cheating. I am always high strung whenever my family watch teleserye’s that carry that particular arc.

So for me, love fades. Love ends. Love is temporary. Love is not forever. Love is selfish. Love never lasts.

I was not into lovesongs, except those on unrequited love. I prefer country songs, rock music,and other music that never dwells on love. It upsets me.

Until I fell in love.

Years ago, I would not have called it love. I would have relegated it under the “crush” category. Mostly, my crushes were unattainable people. People I never really talk to. I guess it’s pretty much safer that way.

It’s fascinating how God used this very human emotion to show me His love. I needed an example, I guess. I needed to know what His love felt like. I wanted to understand. How can He love someone like me? Why does He bother? What does He feel?

My dearest friend doesn’t find my crush handsome. In fact, when I told her that I think (let’s call him Jordan shall we) Jordan is in love with another, my friend told me to “get over him, he’s ugly anyway.” He is not my usual type. I was not expecting to fall for him since I thought of him as a kid brother, no more and no less although I already admired a lot of his qualities.

The feeling sneak up on me until one day, I just looked up and found myself looking for his familiar, comforting presence amidst a crowd of hostility.

Back then, I was discerning. Should I become a Carmelite or shouldn’t I? How am I supposed to break the news to my mother? How about my debts? I was not pretty sure how to proceed.

I am still discerning but unlike before, I no longer have my mind closed against marriage. It’s true, marriage isn’t just an institution, sometimes, it’s a person. I never once considered getting married and having a family until I fell in love with him. I never once imagined myself hitched before. So, my Carmelite plans are on hold until I join the weekend retreat I needed to join before I turn 30.

I heard he is in love too. It’s okay with me. It only made me understand how Jesus feels every time I turn away from Him to seek comfort elsewhere.

You see, I am a troublesome little fellow, trying to find my identity and love in food, books, career and my family that I forgot the single source of my being. When I felt the bittersweet idea that the person I love is in love with another, I came to understand how God must have felt every time I turn away from Him.

And because of this, I now make a conscious effort to turn to Him all the time. My love hurts me or disappoints me, I run to Jesus and hug Him. Jesus loves me enough and He will never ever deem me unworthy of Him. He has made me worthy. He has cleansed me. He has died for me. That’s the kind of love Jesus has. Eternal. Everlasting. Selfless. Self-sacrificing. Our priests called it a “martyr’s” kind of love.

Hearing this message and experiencing this message are two different things. What I feel for Jordan is only a little bit of the love Jesus feels for me. I can only wish the utmost happiness for Jordan and whoever it is that he loves. And I can only wait for whatever it is that my Eternal Lover has planned, designed and willed for me even if it means another person to love.

The Greatest Love Story of my Life (The SFC Knights’ Tale and Princess’ Diaries Weekend Retreat)

 

 

 

This weekend retreat of the CFC-Singles for Christ was originally meant for the Iloilo Lower North Sector (Passi, Duenas, Barotac Viejo/Nuevo, Banate) alone. However, since it was scheduled for November last year and Typhoon Yolanda hit the Visayas area exactly that day, it was, of course, cancelled/postponed.

I was excited about this retreat because it has been a much touted retreat in the conferences I attended. What I was not looking forward to was wearing a dress.The dress code was my biggest problem. I did not see the whole point back then. You can listen to talks by wearing everyday clothes anyway.

Last August 24, 2014, we had the Iloilo North Sector KTPD Weekend Retreat at Passi National High School, Passi City, Iloilo. Participants were from the Lower North and Upper North Sector (Ajuy, Sara, Balasan, Estancia).

The sisters attended the Princess’ Diaries retreat while the brothers attended the Kinghts’ Tale retreat. I could not grasp the concept as to why we had separate retreats at first but the first talk cleared all the cobwebs in my brain. Indeed, it would be uncomfortable to talk about the stuff our speaker mentioned when there are brothers (men) around. Just listening to her made me feel uncomfortable. I did not realize I was prudish that way.

I don’t think I can ever relay the whole five talks in this small space. Suffice it to say, it was an encounter that completed the missing pieces of the puzzle I call myself.

The other weekend retreats I attended answered several questions I needed to answer. This retreat, however, provided a necessary element that was missing – what it means to be a woman in God’s eyes… what it truly means to be the daughter of the King, to be His princess.

Growing up with two generations of a female dominated household can give you twisted ideas of womanhood. I never really knew what being a woman meant. In fact, I got the message that being a woman is not good so I have come to cultivate and develop the more masculine aspects of myself.

I became cool, cold, aloof, uncaring and gruff. I became career oriented. When Tatay left, I took over his role.I helped provide for the family and discipline my brothers in ways my mother can’t discipline them because she had a really soft heart for her sons. I can be cruel in order to be kind and I believed that.

But, I am a woman. This retreat made me see that. I am a woman, designed by God to be a woman, with a woman’s needs and desires. These desires are alright, and they are not wrong. They are not vanity or covetousness, but are normal and expected of being a woman. There’s nothing wrong with my tendencies. There’s nothing wrong with feelings of discontent since my life is not fulfilling God’s designs, after all. I saw that during this retreat.

I was becoming what Talk 3 warned us about. I was already exhibiting what becomes of a woman when she believes the lies she is told – about not being beautiful at all, about not being enough, about being undeserving, unwanted, unloved. I was becoming a little of the Dominating woman- the woman pretending to be strong. I was becoming the woman who tries to pretend she can do it all, who tries to deny or hide her heart’s desire. The woman who is always self-assured, and who focuses on material success. I was also becoming the Desolate woman – the woman who is overgenerous, who clings to people (I don’t cling though, I automatically teach myself not to care enough), and sometimes, who think that they are nothing, are nobody. I was already suffering from depression.

Despite the really positive, self defining Discovery Weekend two years ago, I was wondering why I cannot reconcile myself. I now know why – I was seeing everything with masculine eyes, the one I developed in order to protect my heart and cope with the lies I completely accepted and believed in.

Talk 4 helped me see all that. The speaker, Sis Lhyn from the Upper North, talked about how deep inside our hearts, we have questions about our beauty. I was really defensive then, thinking that I never had those question… and this is what I wrote even while she was speaking.

- There is no question whether I am lovely or beautiful because I don’t believe I am, and I don’t bother to make the effort since it will not change anything, anyway.

But deep inside, I realized I have buried all these questions. I had a standing joke with my mother three or four years ago (I was 25 that time). I always asked her Nay, gwapa ako? (Mother, am I beautiful?) She will always tell me, Huo, a. (Yes) . Despite her answers, I really never believed my mother.

I keep hearing the jeers, the laughter (tambok ibok-ibok gadalagan, naga umpok, and please do not ask me to translate this, its rude Hiligaynon after all.). I believed I was bullied a lot in elementary and high school and in order to cope, I turned to books and food. I became cold, aloof, uncaring, sometimes shy, but really, just jaded and tired of trying to make others like me. I accepted all that and coped as best as I could but obviously, it was the wrong way to cope.

I never asked those questions again from anyone. I became too afraid to ask. Besides, boys have made their answers clear without saying a word. No one courted me, fat (obese really) girl that I am and I kept saying, I am thankful since it means I have no problem. But, in reality, it felt like rejection.

So, Talk 4 helped start the healing process. I know you can’t do away with a lifetime of taunts in just one night but it helped me see something I failed to see. Our speaker told us to pray and forgive ourselves, forgive others -the women in our lives who failed to show us what true womanhood means, the men in our lives who failed to protect our fragile hearts, and those who failed to see how innately sensitive we are and treat us accordingly. She also urged us to forgive God, because somewhere, somehow, or at some point in our lives, we have blamed God. (And she is right!)

Then, she urged us to dance with God and ask Him all our questions.

1. Do you see something in me that makes you want to pursue me?

2. Do you find me worth fighting for?

3. Is my mystery worth revealing to you?

4. Does my presence add meaning to our relationship?

5. Am I making a difference to you?

6. Do I offer something that will make you pursue a relationship with me?

7. Do you appreciate/value the beauty I held?

Sis Lhyn told us that only One should answer these questions – only God should. And all His answers are a definite YES to all our questions… and while dancing with Him that afternoon, I knew it as the truth.

God, indeed, has designed me, not only to be beautiful, but captivating, worthy to be pursue or romanced, and worthy to be loved, by the King Himself.

Others may not think so, but that is only because they do not believe this of themselves. Once you do, you’ll see everyone as worthy of being the same – God’s creation, sons and daughters of the Lord… His Princesses and Knights.

And that day, I rediscovered the greatest romance of my life.

 

 

 

From Just Dating to Really Committing Pt.1

(Alternative Title: Joining the CFC-Singles for Christ Community)

Image from: https://www.facebook.com/digitalchristian?ref=br_tf

In the year 2011, my life started to change.

From a cynical 27 year old who barely believes much less trust in God, I started getting to know Him. In response to a very long standing invitation to attend the CFC-Singles for Christ’s (SFC) Christian Life Program (CLP) (a friend, mentor and co-teacher from PNHS kept inviting me three years before 2011), I at last accepted the Call on the Easter Sunday of 2011.

It was weird since I did not realize there was a hunger in me until God started feeding that hunger. After the orientation, I was determined to finish the CLP with no absences. I was not after the external motivation (the rewards and the perks) of course but I just felt that I should never miss any of the Talks.

The First Module
The first Module of the CLP deals with Basic Truths About Christianity. After the Orientation, Talk 1 followed on the next Sunday. Our speaker talked about God’s Love (and I have a post on that some where in this blog). Talk 2 was on Who is Jesus Christ. Back then, Jesus Christ was a hazy figure in history. I have read the Gospel According to Matthew but I never really knew Jesus. I had a crush on the boy Jesus (based on a Christmas film) but Jesus was never that “real” to me. My fellow participants in our Discussion Group said Jesus was like a friend to them, a best friend, a brother etc. I could not remember my response (but I was never really into saying the politically correct things anyway so my answer was probably shocking or surprising), all I can recall are feelings of confusion even as I grope for the “right” answer. Talk 3 was the awe-inspiring What it Means to be A Christian. It destroyed my notions of Christianity and confused me even more (and I was still not praying then but I know I had to keep coming back, I just had to). Talk 4 was Repentance and Faith. I was barely listening to the Talk since I was busy thinking of the trip I had to make the next day for a seminar in Cebu. But the one-to-one I had with Sis Roxan after the Talk blew me away.

The Discussion Groups
At first, I was reluctant to open up to my Discussion Group. I was born mistrustful of other people (and hey, these were people I barely know so why should I tell them my deep, dark secrets!).  Then, several Sundays later, in response to the fervent prayers of my DGL and now Household Head, I started opening up (and I was brutally honest about my ignorance of God, my mistrust of who He is etc). The way I opened up was frightening. Me, the perpetual wallflower who wears eyeglasses just to look cutely intelligent or intelligently cute, was admitting her ignorance and her emptiness, her shallowness to everyone in her Discussion Group. But then, I was assured of confidentiality and since they have strongly held beliefs in God, I think it goes to follow that they will honor this particular clause (when I, who admitted how she started doubting God in college, could very well obey that one).

I loved the CLP. I loved all the things I learned and all those Singles I met who were living testimonies of God’s wonderful power and presence in their lives. (There was one thing I did not like though, it’s the games afterwards. They made me really uncomfortable and I often hid myself in the CR during these times).

First One-to-One
My first one-to-one with our Assistant Discussion Group Leader (ADGL) destroyed me a bit. It made me own up to a lot of things, and I was made to promise to give up certain things I was made to realize was wrong. What I used to explain away as simple, unimportant, unnecessary stuff which Talk 4: Repentance and Faith, declared as wrong and sinful in God’s eyes, was taken for what it really was. Telling Sis Roxan of the hidden guilt, anger, deep, deep anger and unforgiveness I was feeling was freeing. Telling her of the secret things I dare not tell the world freed me of them (but not overnight, no). It took us about an hour and a half or two to finish our first one-to-one then. Then, I realize how serious this is. This is not just a Religion class… no… it’s a relationship… one you make between yourself and God. And I started feeling a secret fear that I just won’t be able to measure up to God’s standards for His people (this should have clued me in that I was putting someone else’s stern visage over God’s merciful and loving face).