A Love like His

 

Is this a sign?

 

I once heard from someone somewhere (I think that was from an aspirant during a discernment talk) that priests and religious sisters are required to fall in love first. A romantic relationship is a requirement. Well, that’s a requirement where I fall short. You see, I have never had a boyfriend and I never once imagined myself in love (I do not know what love is!)

I wanted to become a religious sister mainly because I do not want my life to go to waste. I’d rather be a religious sister than a bitter, old spinster. I was not exactly dead set on it. It was an option I refused to give up simply because I really have not fallen in love.

Let me tell you what I think about romantic love. As a romance novel junkie (I read romance novels a lot!), I thought I was a romantic at heart. I did not realize that I never really believed in love. Experience, observation, readings, telenovela surfing (I do not watch teleserye and telenovela a lot) taught me that love is temporary. It also taught me that love is reciprocal (the formula should always be man+woman=love). However, love fades and when one of the partners find someone new, it would be so easy to replace the former.

So, I decided to just read about love in pocketbooks. They are safer there. Let me tell you how awfully affected I am whenever a love ends (like the hero cheats on the girl, the girl does not really get the guy in the end etc). I always cry and sometimes, when cheating is involved, my dreams will be haunted by the broken relationships I just witnessed.My pet peeved has always been cheating. I am always high strung whenever my family watch teleserye’s that carry that particular arc.

So for me, love fades. Love ends. Love is temporary. Love is not forever. Love is selfish. Love never lasts.

I was not into lovesongs, except those on unrequited love. I prefer country songs, rock music,and other music that never dwells on love. It upsets me.

Until I fell in love.

Years ago, I would not have called it love. I would have relegated it under the “crush” category. Mostly, my crushes were unattainable people. People I never really talk to. I guess it’s pretty much safer that way.

It’s fascinating how God used this very human emotion to show me His love. I needed an example, I guess. I needed to know what His love felt like. I wanted to understand. How can He love someone like me? Why does He bother? What does He feel?

My dearest friend doesn’t find my crush handsome. In fact, when I told her that I think (let’s call him Jordan shall we) Jordan is in love with another, my friend told me to “get over him, he’s ugly anyway.” He is not my usual type. I was not expecting to fall for him since I thought of him as a kid brother, no more and no less although I already admired a lot of his qualities.

The feeling sneak up on me until one day, I just looked up and found myself looking for his familiar, comforting presence amidst a crowd of hostility.

Back then, I was discerning. Should I become a Carmelite or shouldn’t I? How am I supposed to break the news to my mother? How about my debts? I was not pretty sure how to proceed.

I am still discerning but unlike before, I no longer have my mind closed against marriage. It’s true, marriage isn’t just an institution, sometimes, it’s a person. I never once considered getting married and having a family until I fell in love with him. I never once imagined myself hitched before. So, my Carmelite plans are on hold until I join the weekend retreat I needed to join before I turn 30.

I heard he is in love too. It’s okay with me. It only made me understand how Jesus feels every time I turn away from Him to seek comfort elsewhere.

You see, I am a troublesome little fellow, trying to find my identity and love in food, books, career and my family that I forgot the single source of my being. When I felt the bittersweet idea that the person I love is in love with another, I came to understand how God must have felt every time I turn away from Him.

And because of this, I now make a conscious effort to turn to Him all the time. My love hurts me or disappoints me, I run to Jesus and hug Him. Jesus loves me enough and He will never ever deem me unworthy of Him. He has made me worthy. He has cleansed me. He has died for me. That’s the kind of love Jesus has. Eternal. Everlasting. Selfless. Self-sacrificing. Our priests called it a “martyr’s” kind of love.

Hearing this message and experiencing this message are two different things. What I feel for Jordan is only a little bit of the love Jesus feels for me. I can only wish the utmost happiness for Jordan and whoever it is that he loves. And I can only wait for whatever it is that my Eternal Lover has planned, designed and willed for me even if it means another person to love.

From Just Dating to Really Committing Pt.1

(Alternative Title: Joining the CFC-Singles for Christ Community)

Image from: https://www.facebook.com/digitalchristian?ref=br_tf

In the year 2011, my life started to change.

From a cynical 27 year old who barely believes much less trust in God, I started getting to know Him. In response to a very long standing invitation to attend the CFC-Singles for Christ’s (SFC) Christian Life Program (CLP) (a friend, mentor and co-teacher from PNHS kept inviting me three years before 2011), I at last accepted the Call on the Easter Sunday of 2011.

It was weird since I did not realize there was a hunger in me until God started feeding that hunger. After the orientation, I was determined to finish the CLP with no absences. I was not after the external motivation (the rewards and the perks) of course but I just felt that I should never miss any of the Talks.

The First Module
The first Module of the CLP deals with Basic Truths About Christianity. After the Orientation, Talk 1 followed on the next Sunday. Our speaker talked about God’s Love (and I have a post on that some where in this blog). Talk 2 was on Who is Jesus Christ. Back then, Jesus Christ was a hazy figure in history. I have read the Gospel According to Matthew but I never really knew Jesus. I had a crush on the boy Jesus (based on a Christmas film) but Jesus was never that “real” to me. My fellow participants in our Discussion Group said Jesus was like a friend to them, a best friend, a brother etc. I could not remember my response (but I was never really into saying the politically correct things anyway so my answer was probably shocking or surprising), all I can recall are feelings of confusion even as I grope for the “right” answer. Talk 3 was the awe-inspiring What it Means to be A Christian. It destroyed my notions of Christianity and confused me even more (and I was still not praying then but I know I had to keep coming back, I just had to). Talk 4 was Repentance and Faith. I was barely listening to the Talk since I was busy thinking of the trip I had to make the next day for a seminar in Cebu. But the one-to-one I had with Sis Roxan after the Talk blew me away.

The Discussion Groups
At first, I was reluctant to open up to my Discussion Group. I was born mistrustful of other people (and hey, these were people I barely know so why should I tell them my deep, dark secrets!).  Then, several Sundays later, in response to the fervent prayers of my DGL and now Household Head, I started opening up (and I was brutally honest about my ignorance of God, my mistrust of who He is etc). The way I opened up was frightening. Me, the perpetual wallflower who wears eyeglasses just to look cutely intelligent or intelligently cute, was admitting her ignorance and her emptiness, her shallowness to everyone in her Discussion Group. But then, I was assured of confidentiality and since they have strongly held beliefs in God, I think it goes to follow that they will honor this particular clause (when I, who admitted how she started doubting God in college, could very well obey that one).

I loved the CLP. I loved all the things I learned and all those Singles I met who were living testimonies of God’s wonderful power and presence in their lives. (There was one thing I did not like though, it’s the games afterwards. They made me really uncomfortable and I often hid myself in the CR during these times).

First One-to-One
My first one-to-one with our Assistant Discussion Group Leader (ADGL) destroyed me a bit. It made me own up to a lot of things, and I was made to promise to give up certain things I was made to realize was wrong. What I used to explain away as simple, unimportant, unnecessary stuff which Talk 4: Repentance and Faith, declared as wrong and sinful in God’s eyes, was taken for what it really was. Telling Sis Roxan of the hidden guilt, anger, deep, deep anger and unforgiveness I was feeling was freeing. Telling her of the secret things I dare not tell the world freed me of them (but not overnight, no). It took us about an hour and a half or two to finish our first one-to-one then. Then, I realize how serious this is. This is not just a Religion class… no… it’s a relationship… one you make between yourself and God. And I started feeling a secret fear that I just won’t be able to measure up to God’s standards for His people (this should have clued me in that I was putting someone else’s stern visage over God’s merciful and loving face).

Borrowed Prayer

 

 

I started reading Macrina Wiederkehr’s book last year. I bought the book last June 15, 2013 and I have yet to finish it. My excuse? Good books are meant to be savored, not rushed through.

I think she was one of the reasons why I have grown fascinated with religious sisters. They are very human. But very drawn to the divine. I like the way she thinks and I think I would have wanted to be around her, observe her, listen to her and be inspired by her. She made me think of nuns, religious sisters and the clergy in a different way. She made me wonder if lay people can be the same. Could we also think in the way that they do? ( And it made me think, if I am so pleased by how she thinks and what she stands for, what must God be feeling towards her? Huh.)

I am fascinated by the way their mind ticks. And she made me think about the saints. If the living religious sisters can be like this, how about those who have been perfected by God’s grace? They have already passed through this life, so what was their life like? Before they were drawn to the Divine and after that? But I digress…

Anyway, I opened her book again today and her prayer is something that appeals to me, to my heart today. With her, I am praying this prayer too:

O God, My Refuge, My Path of Life Forever,

This I know to be true – when I needed a refuge, it was always for you whom I was seeking! Every time I tried to fill my emptiness with too many things, too much food, too many words, too much work, it was always you for whom I was seeking. Every time I hoarded more than I needed, it was you for whom I was hungering. Every time I searched in the wrong places, I was searching for you. Every time I wanted to be right more than I wanted the truth, it was you for whom I was yearning. It was always you! You are my path of life. It was always you to whom I wanted to flee for refuge. May my refuge be in you!

Amen.

Unseen Footprints, Unseen Truths

If you are a seeker and you long to encounter the Divine, I have a book for you. Unseen Footprints: Encountering the Divine along the Journey of Life by Sheridan Voysey

It has revealed a lot of exciting truths that I have never considered in the past. After reading it, I came to the realization that I am not yet fully aware of God and His moving in my life. I get consumed and distracted by earthly stuff like pride, anger, covetousness, jealousies, food, sloth and many others.

I have never fully connected the Creator with His creation thus making me know too little of the greatness, creativity, wonder, and variety that is God. I never fully pondered the various moods of the skies - how fast the sunny weather can sometimes turn gloomy and how powerful typhoons like Yolanda are. I never took time to carefully look at the way the flowers were formed, or how different shades green has for trees. I never once realized how different the animals are from each other and how different man is from one another.

God is greater than I ever pondered Him to be. His creations testify to that. This is one of the reasons why I praise and glorify God and I never completely grasped it.

Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leave you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing, and listen as heaven whispers, "Do you like it? I did it just for you." 

                                                                                       - Max Lucado