The Greatest Love Story of my Life (The SFC Knights’ Tale and Princess’ Diaries Weekend Retreat)

 

 

 

This weekend retreat of the CFC-Singles for Christ was originally meant for the Iloilo Lower North Sector (Passi, Duenas, Barotac Viejo/Nuevo, Banate) alone. However, since it was scheduled for November last year and Typhoon Yolanda hit the Visayas area exactly that day, it was, of course, cancelled/postponed.

I was excited about this retreat because it has been a much touted retreat in the conferences I attended. What I was not looking forward to was wearing a dress.The dress code was my biggest problem. I did not see the whole point back then. You can listen to talks by wearing everyday clothes anyway.

Last August 24, 2014, we had the Iloilo North Sector KTPD Weekend Retreat at Passi National High School, Passi City, Iloilo. Participants were from the Lower North and Upper North Sector (Ajuy, Sara, Balasan, Estancia).

The sisters attended the Princess’ Diaries retreat while the brothers attended the Kinghts’ Tale retreat. I could not grasp the concept as to why we had separate retreats at first but the first talk cleared all the cobwebs in my brain. Indeed, it would be uncomfortable to talk about the stuff our speaker mentioned when there are brothers (men) around. Just listening to her made me feel uncomfortable. I did not realize I was prudish that way.

I don’t think I can ever relay the whole five talks in this small space. Suffice it to say, it was an encounter that completed the missing pieces of the puzzle I call myself.

The other weekend retreats I attended answered several questions I needed to answer. This retreat, however, provided a necessary element that was missing – what it means to be a woman in God’s eyes… what it truly means to be the daughter of the King, to be His princess.

Growing up with two generations of a female dominated household can give you twisted ideas of womanhood. I never really knew what being a woman meant. In fact, I got the message that being a woman is not good so I have come to cultivate and develop the more masculine aspects of myself.

I became cool, cold, aloof, uncaring and gruff. I became career oriented. When Tatay left, I took over his role.I helped provide for the family and discipline my brothers in ways my mother can’t discipline them because she had a really soft heart for her sons. I can be cruel in order to be kind and I believed that.

But, I am a woman. This retreat made me see that. I am a woman, designed by God to be a woman, with a woman’s needs and desires. These desires are alright, and they are not wrong. They are not vanity or covetousness, but are normal and expected of being a woman. There’s nothing wrong with my tendencies. There’s nothing wrong with feelings of discontent since my life is not fulfilling God’s designs, after all. I saw that during this retreat.

I was becoming what Talk 3 warned us about. I was already exhibiting what becomes of a woman when she believes the lies she is told – about not being beautiful at all, about not being enough, about being undeserving, unwanted, unloved. I was becoming a little of the Dominating woman- the woman pretending to be strong. I was becoming the woman who tries to pretend she can do it all, who tries to deny or hide her heart’s desire. The woman who is always self-assured, and who focuses on material success. I was also becoming the Desolate woman – the woman who is overgenerous, who clings to people (I don’t cling though, I automatically teach myself not to care enough), and sometimes, who think that they are nothing, are nobody. I was already suffering from depression.

Despite the really positive, self defining Discovery Weekend two years ago, I was wondering why I cannot reconcile myself. I now know why – I was seeing everything with masculine eyes, the one I developed in order to protect my heart and cope with the lies I completely accepted and believed in.

Talk 4 helped me see all that. The speaker, Sis Lhyn from the Upper North, talked about how deep inside our hearts, we have questions about our beauty. I was really defensive then, thinking that I never had those question… and this is what I wrote even while she was speaking.

- There is no question whether I am lovely or beautiful because I don’t believe I am, and I don’t bother to make the effort since it will not change anything, anyway.

But deep inside, I realized I have buried all these questions. I had a standing joke with my mother three or four years ago (I was 25 that time). I always asked her Nay, gwapa ako? (Mother, am I beautiful?) She will always tell me, Huo, a. (Yes) . Despite her answers, I really never believed my mother.

I keep hearing the jeers, the laughter (tambok ibok-ibok gadalagan, naga umpok, and please do not ask me to translate this, its rude Hiligaynon after all.). I believed I was bullied a lot in elementary and high school and in order to cope, I turned to books and food. I became cold, aloof, uncaring, sometimes shy, but really, just jaded and tired of trying to make others like me. I accepted all that and coped as best as I could but obviously, it was the wrong way to cope.

I never asked those questions again from anyone. I became too afraid to ask. Besides, boys have made their answers clear without saying a word. No one courted me, fat (obese really) girl that I am and I kept saying, I am thankful since it means I have no problem. But, in reality, it felt like rejection.

So, Talk 4 helped start the healing process. I know you can’t do away with a lifetime of taunts in just one night but it helped me see something I failed to see. Our speaker told us to pray and forgive ourselves, forgive others -the women in our lives who failed to show us what true womanhood means, the men in our lives who failed to protect our fragile hearts, and those who failed to see how innately sensitive we are and treat us accordingly. She also urged us to forgive God, because somewhere, somehow, or at some point in our lives, we have blamed God. (And she is right!)

Then, she urged us to dance with God and ask Him all our questions.

1. Do you see something in me that makes you want to pursue me?

2. Do you find me worth fighting for?

3. Is my mystery worth revealing to you?

4. Does my presence add meaning to our relationship?

5. Am I making a difference to you?

6. Do I offer something that will make you pursue a relationship with me?

7. Do you appreciate/value the beauty I held?

Sis Lhyn told us that only One should answer these questions – only God should. And all His answers are a definite YES to all our questions… and while dancing with Him that afternoon, I knew it as the truth.

God, indeed, has designed me, not only to be beautiful, but captivating, worthy to be pursue or romanced, and worthy to be loved, by the King Himself.

Others may not think so, but that is only because they do not believe this of themselves. Once you do, you’ll see everyone as worthy of being the same – God’s creation, sons and daughters of the Lord… His Princesses and Knights.

And that day, I rediscovered the greatest romance of my life.

 

 

 

A Sonnet for my One True Love

 

Back in college, there was one Shakespearean sonnet I adored simply because it initially described my idea of what marriage or love should be.

Sonnet 116

by William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove,

Oh no, it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempest and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth’s unknown. although his height be taken.

Love’s not Times fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickles compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom,.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ nor no man ever loved.

 

Well, to put it bluntly, this is the sonnet that disappointed me. I never found that kind of love. Around me, marriages were breaking apart, couples were splitting up after passionate weeks or months of being together. What once was so loved became so hated. I never trusted love after personally seeing what it can do to a twenty-year old marriage.

I would smile at heartbreaking break ups and splits and nod my head sagely saying Shakespeare was oh so wrong. I never experienced a break up myself but I considered myself lucky I was spared the trouble. I was one of the joyless club, I thought, but then I think I’d prefer to think I was part of the better-safe-than-sorry group. So I threw away that silly sonnet I carefully wrote on a piece of Cattleya note and lovingly taped on my college clipboard. Shakespeare was a fraud and love is just that, an urban myth.

And then, Love found me. My True Love found me in my most hidden corner, sulking bitterly over the silliness of life. And I learned, it’s not that Shakespeare was wrong.Its just that I have been looking for love in the wrong places. I have been searching and expecting it from other people who never really knew what Love is. I have been scouring every piece of romance novel I could find for my happily ever after and was more surprised I never found it there. True love cannot be found in a mere piece of paper or corruptible flesh. Love is this: that He gave His son, His only begotten Son, for us.

That’s love. That is my One True Love.

P.S. And yes, He proved Shakespeare right, every bit of what is written in Sonnet 116 is true.

 

 

I am His Beloved

 

 

Love is something I would have never touched with a two foot pole. Love is something I used to reserve to describe an emotion I would rather read about than experience. Love is something I always thought would eventually just lead to tears and disappointments.

I am familiar with hard work and dedication. I am very intimately connected with words like “obligation” and “responsibility” and “sacrifice”.

But I can’t seem to connect love and myself in one sentence….

I am currently reading “The Story of a Soul” by St. Therese of Lisieux and I feel a little resentful because God did not give me parents like He gave Therese Martin. The “Little Queen” (as her father called her) had a childhood filled with so much love – from her parents and her sisters and from her God. At such a young age, she was already drawn to the divine.

She has so much love to draw from.

I grew up in a household where love is not demonstrated. So, I grew up cold and callous and uncaring, not because I chose to be cold and uncaring but because I did not know how to be anything else. There was just nothing inside my heart. I used to feel nothing at all. I was seldom moved by compassion, seldom moved to tears, seldom touched by scenes that would have made others cry. I felt neither pain nor comfort, neither joy nor sorrow. Everything was gray. I only feel the things that hurt my pride. I was simply existing, moving on from one chapter of my life and stoically smiling over tragedies and triumphs, while inside, there was just this empty hole.

I was incapable of love because I never felt love.

St. Therese said “… I understood that if all the lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would lose its springtide beauty, and the fields would no longer be enamelled with lovely hues.” Why can’t I have had parents like St. Therese’s mother and father so that I would have grown up into a loving woman like St. Therese… so that I could have had known and loved God with all of me ever since I was a child?

But then, who am I to question His plan for my life? He gave me my Nanay and Tatay because He had His reasons. My parents are good parents.They are responsible parents and they loved me in ways I had not seen because I was expecting them to love me in a certain way. And now, I can honestly say that I love them… just as I love my brothers and sisters. No, not out of familial obligation and responsibility but out of something inside me that has been growing and breaking free since I felt how much He loves me.

Love is now a wonderful feeling. Love is now this strange and beautiful thing I hold out in the open when I am alone. It is something that I ponder and wonder at in the silence of my solitude. Love is so amazing. Love is everything and if not for my experiences, if not for the lack of love in my life before, if not for that void in my heart, I would not have this kind of appreciation, and sense of wonder before It.

Love is God. God is Love. God is amazing. Love is amazing. God is wonderful. Love is wonderful. Love is all I need. God is all I need… because I am His beloved and He is mine… And I love Him with all that I am….

See how He works? Glory and praise to the King alone.

Fair and Unfair

 

 

I was trying to hold back tears of frustration.

I was angry, and irritated and fed up and the anger was just fighting to burst out of my chest. I knew that when I let loose, it would be very ugly and awful.

As an advocate of freedom of self-expression and authenticity, I would have allowed myself to let loose. I just wanted to vent my frustration over how unfair everything is, just then.

When others get tired, or angry or fed up with you, they do not feel compelled to hold back on the censure. They will be very quick to make and pass judgments around and tell you to your face what exactly is wrong, in a very unkind manner. Worst, some would even go behind your back and tell others about what you have done wrong without telling you.

On my way home, while blinking back tears of pent-up frustration, I came to this realization. I was once like this. I was quick to make judgment. Quick to find fault. Quick to see what is wrong. I was so good at fault-finding that it became more than a habit. It become part of who I was. And it hurt a lot of people around me (and the sad thing was, I did not even realize this).

However, knowing what I know now and believing in what I believe in now does not change that attitude overnight. There are moments when I can feel myself reeling from trying to hold back! I am so angry I just have to vent it!

Last night, I even told my sisters how unfair they were to me. When they are angry or irritated, they feel that it’s okay to show it. Don’t they realize that the silent, pouting treatment is hurting me? It’s okay when they act childish and petty but when I do that, I get reminded that “SFC kaw, ga amo kaw ka daa?” (You are a Singles For Christ. Why are you acting like that?”). As if being an SFC has transformed me into a saint overnight.

And then, I prayed. (It was more the “anguished cry for comfort from above” kind of prayer, one that makes word unnecessary). Immediately, this thought flashed through my mind. “When Christ suffered for my sins on the cross, did He blame me for it? Did He cry out that it was all my fault and not His own that led Him to that moment? Did He tell me I was being unfair to Him? Did He ask me why He had to suffer for me when I refused to suffer for others in His name?”

He bore the pain quietly. He bore His cross in obedience, in quiet pain, crying out only to His father.

My God, forgive me for resenting my crosses. Bless me with the grace to bear them with the same love that You have borne Yours with. And in moments like this, let me turn to You for comfort when the wounds get too painful.

Under Construction

 

This blog is under construction…

It needs a little “creativity” and “love”….. In the meantime, let’s ponder this song and this saint whose Feast Day is being celebrated today.

You fill my night full with stars

Oremus pro invicem (Let Us Pray for one Another)

 

C.S. Lewis often ends his letters to his friends in this manner… (don’t ask me for details, I have not yet finished the book edited by Paul F. Ford, Yours, Jack : Spiritual Direction from C.S. Lewis.

And I would never have understood what that meant' if I was not brought into the CFC-Singles for Christ. Prayer is a tricky matter to me. God blessed me with the gift of writing. The English language is a wonderful tool of expression for me. But when it comes to prayer, I am often at a loss, out of words.

Of course I know the prayers taught during or Catechesis in school but I never seriously considered a different aspect of prayer… prayer is talking to God… prayer is being with our Father… Even until now, prayer is a challenge for me.

I never really prayer for others. I did not know how. And then, when I pray, I often wonder if my sincere in my prayers, if my heart is in it.

But somehow, I was blessed with a new view of prayer – praying for others. I used to wonder why we are urged to “pray for one another” and what’s the use. Only later did I learn what praying for one another means. You can only pray for others when others have opened themselves up so that you can pray for them. You can only pray for others when you feel that stirring of the Spirit, that desire to comfort and offer comfort and you know, that you can only help by praying for that other person. Your own struggles are set aside and you pray for peace and comfort for this other person. You see God’s grace at work in another’s life and you are filled with so much hope that He does the same for you.

Sometimes, we are just too closed to our own realities that we cannot see God’s hands in everything we do. But, by opening up to my sisters in the SFC during our household meetings, I have learned to be vulnerable, I have learned to lay down my worries and ask them to pray for me and I let them lay down their worries so that I can pray for them as well.

Praying for one another is very important and I often wonder how God has designed everything in our live’s that makes communion with other believers a very life-altering experience for someone who never really went out of her shell.

Wants: Mine, Hers and His

 

I wanted so many things from life. I wanted financial independence. I seek a good and comfortable teaching post. I desire further education. I want to travel whenever  I have the opportunity.

I also want my own nice little house… for myself and my family. I want a car too for a comfortable way of travelling. I want comfort and peace and prosperity and a quiet life. Those are the things that  I want.

My mother wants me to get promotions, to be in a position of power and fame… She wants me to explore my potential and she wants me to be everything she wanted to be… until she had me.She wants me to aggressively finish my post graduate studies. She wants me to win awards as an outstanding teacher. She wants me to have it all.

But it seems God wants something else for me. He wants me for something else. He placed me in a work where I uncomfortably started off. He wanted me to learn life’s lessons in a humble way. He wanted me to become a tough follower in celestial terms. He wanted me to do something else, not just sit in my room and write or read books. He gave me a family that’s too big to comfortably feed in a month, a house that uncomfortably squats beside public land, a body that does not sit well with the mind and ambitions planted in me since I was young. He placed in my heart a desire to be with His people when I have been reared an environment of distrust and confusion.

These three things, three ideals, three visions of what I want and what my life should be is tearing at me. But looking at it now, does it not seem clear which vision is best for me?

Thus says Yahweh, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I, Yahweh, your God, teach you what is best for you; I lead you in the way you must go. Had you paid attention to my commandments, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendants would have been like the sand, and those born of your stock like its grains, their names never cut off nor blotted out from my presence. – Isaiah 48:17-19

Developing Oneself while Developing K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials

This week's Workshop on the Development of K to 12-Compliant ALS Learning Materials here at the GSP Helena Z. Benitez National Program and Training Center here in Tagaytay City is both a professional and personal growth time for me.

The writers @ GSP, Helena Z. Benitez National Program
and Training Center, Tagaytay City.

We were required to study the ALS curriculum vis-a-vis the K to 12 Curriculum of the formal school. Just going over the differences, similarities and gaps between the two is a nerve wracking process. Findings revealed that the ALS Curriculum for Basic Education is not that different from the K to 12 Curriculum once the gaps have been addressed... and that is the reason why we are here - to address the differences.

I have always been a solo-worker.

I don't really resent other people's opinion regarding how I work but the artistic bent in me desires full and free expression. I want to be able to fully explore all options and possibilities available to me.

However, we were grouped into learning strands and we were expected to work together. Since I am not used to it, I did not know how to approach this particular project. But with Ma'am Cora from La Carlota and Ma'am Elaine from Cavite, I was able to learn something essential. I can work with a partner or a group.

I can work even if I am not very interested in the material I am developing. I can actually surrender  and leave everything to God. I can go with the flow and trust that He will not drop me as long as I rely upon Him for everything.

I will probably be talking of all the other experiences, moving and touching experiences I had this week but yes, I feel so blessed because He never left my side at all.

Talitha Kumi

 

Mark 5:21-43 tells the story of my currently favourite miracle that Jesus has performed. This is the story that made me see Jesus, really see Him as a person, as one who walked this Earth before us, as one who truly lived. After I read this, I become truly conscious and very eager to read the Gospel because I know I would encounter this beautiful and wonderful Jesus again.

And He is amazing! No wonder we are drawn to Him, from the cradle to the cross, to the cave and to the throne.

Jairus came to Jesus to ask him to heal his sick and dying daughter. On the way, they were met by some people who came to inform Jairus not to trouble the Master any further because his daughter is already dead.

And what did Jesus say to Jairus?

But Jesus ignored what they said and told the official, “Do not fear, just believe.” A favourite sentence which now lingers in my mind every time I become afraid. Jesus telling us, do not fear, just believe – is it not comforting? Isn’t that enough of a security blanket on those cold and fearful nights when you find yourself wondering where the next cent would come?

They laughed at him. But Jesus sent them outside and went with the child’s father and mother and his companions into the room where the child lay. Taking her by the hand, he said to her, “Talitha kumi!” which means: ‘Little girl, get up!” – Mark 5:40-41

And what did the girl do? The 12 year old child got up at once and began to walk around.

Jesus called and despite death, He was heard and the one called responded, not with words, but with action.

Talitha kumi is a favourite phrase now. It reminds me that Jesus calls me every day and it reminds me that I should respond… lovingly respond not just with mere words but with actions.

In God’s Perfect Time

 

Two weeks ago, while rooting on old documents, I found a very old piece of bondpaper with a wildflower taped on its corners.

I smiled when I saw my handwriting. The short note was dated September 3, 2010. That long ago.

I smiled as I looked back on how I started a daily reflective walk back then. My world was in a terrible shape. I was floundering in the dark – professionally, emotionally, spiritually.

If you got to know me as I am now, you probably would not have wanted to get to know the Heaven that I was two years ago. I did not even like myself!

Attached on that whimsical note was a letter written on a yellow pad paper. It was dated November 7, 2010 and it was addressed to God. (It started with Dear God…)

I was asking God why I have an empty feeling in my heat. Why I felt so lost. I mentioned about being so emotional and then being so numb and dead inside.

I told God that I did not understand my self, my life and my world. I asked Him why he denied me the things I have asked from Him. I asked Him if He loves me or not. And to quote one line: “I’m sure You know what I am talking about even if I clearly don’t.”

And then, I asked Him for several things and yes, let me enumerate:

1. OSCYA’s to come forward so that I will have learners in my sessions

2. His presence in my life because I felt so far from Him

3. A new laptop and an internet connection (I had a second-hand laptop back then).

4. A much deeper connection and understanding from/with Him

5. Forgiveness and for Him to make me feel it

6. Emotions because inside I was dead

7. A better life (holier life and self – yep, I wrote that)

8. I asked Him to give me the “strength, the courage, the blessings to continue with this work that I no longer believe in”

9. Assign someone to watch over me and my idiocy and my sinfulness.

And to all 9, He has responded. He gave me Himself, fully, completely. He gave me a community where I can fully share Him and the people who believe and follow Him. It is beautiful how God works. And I did not know He was even working things out like that, so quickly, so drastically, and sometimes so painfully.

Every time I realize and feel His love, that overflowing sense of being so loved utterly and completely and unconditionally, I cry. I always cry. Because it is not normal for me. I took emotions and feelings for granted. I take love and affection for granted. I have learned to protect myself from rejection that I stopped feeling anything… and yes, I even could not feel His love… until He took my blinders.

Jesus is more real to me now. He is not just that hazy figure in history but a friend, a familiar friend I get to experience every morning and evening and yes, every moment of every day of my life. It’s just so beautiful, so overwhelmingly beautiful. Now I can feel how Jesus drew people and is drawing them still now.

And He gave it all to me, in His perfect time.

Like an Avalanche

I have never experienced an avalanche… but I have experienced this.

Yes, I find myself here on my knees again. Caught up in grace like an avalanche. Nothing compares to this love burning in my heart. And no, it’s not my love but His love…setting fire to my soul, creating a new song in my parched heart… A wellspring of love, unending, majestic and consuming love.

These No Longer Matter

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of the earth

will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace.

 

I used to sing this song simply because it made me feel better but I never really understood the lyrics – until recently. I finished a book too, recently. Good News for those Trying Harder by Alan Kraft. This opened my eyes to certain truths that my legalistic brain could not grasp. It was followed by circumstantial revelations and leadings which astounded me. Why did I not see this before?

I have been reading the book for quite a while too. It took me very long to finish the whole book and it left me with a heavy heart when I learned how I tried to live a life pleasing to God when He is already well-pleased with me. My God is so fond of me that He sent His only Son to save me from myself. I have a great God. A God bigger than religion. And I feel so blessed.

I used to be a workaholic – addicted to the taste of triumph and success of doing a job so well that I had no time for anything else. I had to run the play and watch in the sidelines as everything unfolds. I had to be in the center of everything I do. I want to work and work hard. Work defined my life. Being the responsible daughter, responsible employee, responsible teacher was all that I am. When I joined the CFC-Singles for Christ, I wanted to be a responsible Christian… I was so fervent in my desire to please my God that I never realized everything I did became a burden to me. I carried the heavy loads and responsibilities of work because I saw my God with clouded eyes. I thought I had to earn His love and work my butt off in order to please Him and be saved. I did not realize how poisonous that mindset was. It was the road to hell, not salvation. I was trying to find and attain life thru self-effort and not Christ. What I tended to call my prayer time every morning and evening were actually Bible Study time. I read the Bible religiously because I wanted instruction on how to live a life that is pleasing to God. I never knew that God wanted a relationship with me. That the Bible was only His love letter to me. He did not hire me to be His employee. Heaven and salvation was not the fee for services rendered. No. They were a given. We are already saved when we believe in Him, in His name. Trying to earn His favor by doing empty good works is not what He wants from us.

He wants us to enjoy Him. Delight in Him. Truly loving others and loving Him does not come from self-effort. We do not force ourselves to love our boyfriends or at least to like our crushes.We just feel the depth of love and affection and are sometimes overtaken by them. The same is true with Christ. Love begets love. If we only give Him the chance to work in us, if we open our hearts to Him – how could we not love Him? Everytime I read a book about His pain, His love, I get overwhelmed. I remember two songs actually. The King and I’s How Can I Not Love You? and Jesus Christ Superstar’s “I Don’t Know How to Love Him”

Love comes about because we bask in His love all the time. Patience comes about because we have this relationship with Him. The fruits of the Spirit comes about when we commune with the Spirit. Not out of self-effort. If we try to convince ourselves to feel moved, to feel compassion, to ignore our pain and be forgiving, and selfless and utterly dedicated to service,  to work hard because we had to as Christians - everything will be for show then – like the Pharisees. I am like those Pharisees. I wanted to please God by doing penance and sacrifices, by following the Law – love God above all else and love your neighbor as yourself (it was difficult and painful and I learned to fake it). I was eager to please God even to the point that He would be very pleased and happy with me even if I was already hurting myself. I never entertained the pain. I told myself – think positive, think positive. But the gauze on the wounds of my self-inflicted pains kept dripping. The bile I had to drink made me bitter, made me angry, made me wonder why I always had to make the sacrifices. It came to the point when I asked, why am I the only who had to think of others. Does anybody every think about me, for me? This is not what He wants from us. This is not His plan for us.

Of course, Someone was thinking about me all the time – I just forgot to think about Him. My Wonderful Savior was just waiting for me to see Him, hear Him, feel His love. I was busy doing good works and reading the Bible that I actually forgot Him. Wow.

Are you like that too? Then let’s pray: Almighty God and Savior, Creator of Heaven and Earth, wonderful Redeemer and Healer of all pains, save us from ourselves, Lord God. Break our hearts that we may feel Your love, burn our eyes that we may see Your face, pierce our skins that we may feel Your presence… Show us Lord, how You have endured the most terrible of hell’s pain so that we need not suffer it anymore. Teach us that we need only to call upon Your name, and we will be saved. Amen.

 

 

 

My Journey: Personal and Intimate

I am on a journey. I now see how the earth is supposed to be our land of adventure and discovery and the one thing that we seek is God.

I did not see it this way before. I knew I was on a Journey. I just never realized what that journey was for. I knew I was seeking something. I just did not know what it was. I also know I was supposed to be doing something as well, that I have a task in this world. I am just not sure what that was.

So, I went on with life as if I were simply travelling. I was a bus with no route. A traveler with no map and no specific destination. Was I lost? No, I don't think I was. I can only be lost if I have a destination in mind and I am no longer in the right path towards that end.  But as it is, I had no place to go. I was just moving around.

But not anymore. After SFC, after that single retreat before lent, I have come to realize a lot of things. I am on a pilgrimage towards Christ. My life is like the story of everyone else who walked this earth before me. Just like our graduation song in elementary school - we are pilgrims on the journey ...a journey back into the embrace of our God.


Although I have come to the ripe old age of 26, I have only taken a few, mincing steps forward. Most of the sprint, the walk, the climb even the crawl that I made in the past were made towards other directions but not towards the right one.

Now, step by step, like an infant learning to walk, I am making my way towards Him. The path is not clear. The road is not easy. And the funny thing about walking down this foggy road is you cannot even see the map. It's dark. It's too quiet by far. It's my journey alone.  But, I am holding on to Someone's hand this time. I am listening to Someone's voice as He guides me along the way.

He loves me. He loves me with the kind of fearsome, frightening love that sends me to my knees every time I realize and feel it. But, I cannot honestly tell Him that I love Him. Not yet. There is a little of it in here, in my heart, but it is not yet the all-encompassing and outpouring love - the love that I long to give Him, the love that I know I am capable of giving to Him. All of me, and everything in Me.

But that is the end of my journey. Me and Christ. Reconciled. Me loving Him with all that I am and everything that is in me. Me basking in the wonder of His love and mercy.

The CFC-SFC Covenant

After completing the Christian Life Program of the CFC-SFC last year and during the Lord’s Day last August 28, 2011, we were given our SFC tool kit containing a sort of welcome note, the CFC guidelines for business dealings between or among members, the SFC Bible Reading Guide, a one-year reading guide for reading through the new testament, an ID, and a little booklet thingy which enumerates the Covenant of the CFC Singles for Christ.

Here is what is written in that covenant.

Trusting in the Lord’s help and guidance:

1. I shall live as a follower of Christ:

·         Pray daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Read Scriptures daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Live a righteous life and avoid situations which are occasions for sin.

·         Put good order into my private life and support my parents in building a Christian family.

·         Participate regularly in the worship life of my church.

2. I will work towards the evangelization and transformation of my work place, my family and my community:

·         Put good order in my work situation

·         Be a witness of the love and power of the Lord Jesus in my work and in my family

·         Be a good steward of all resources entrusted to me.

·         Be a good citizen of my country, obeying its laws and protecting its environment.

3. I will be a committed and active member of the CFC Singles for Christ:

·         Attend my small group meetings regularly and support the good order of the meetings.

·         Faithfully participate in all the activities of the group.

·         Relate in love, loyalty to and respect for all my brothers and sisters in the Lord.

·         Intercede daily for the group and its mission.

4. I will make myself available to the Lord for service:

·         Bring other single men and women to Christ.

·         Give generously of my time and resources to the Lord’s service, whenever I am called and follow directions of those who have responsibility for the service.

·         Support the work of Couples for Christ and its ministries.

5. I will study and seek to grow as a Christian person:

·         Attend all teachings, retreats, seminars and conferences of the CFC Singles for Christ.

·         Diligently study all materials given to me.

May the Lord Jesus Christ help me to be faithful in living out this commitment everyday for His greater honor and glory and for the good of my brothers and sisters.

_____________________________________________

Signature

Until now, I have not yet signed the covenant because of certain fears, and certain issues that I have not yet clarified. I told myself I was not ready to follow it. In fact, I am not the only one who has not signed the covenant. I know several brothers and sisters who have not signed theirs because of the fear and the doubts that clouds the heart – maybe, I can’t live up to the covenant, I am afraid of disappointing the Lord,  I am not good enough, I am unworthy, I am not strong enough…

We only see the bottom line – the blank that requires our signature. I did too. I keep seeing the back flap of the booklet every time I attempt to sign. It seems to mock me in my humanity, my weakness…

History shows how many times covenants have failed. In fact, man seems to be predesigned to fail God most of the time. We have so many custom-made excuses for our failure to obey Him. I am only human, we say. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. No wonder SFC newbies are afraid to sign this covenant. It asks us too much. And we want to have the excuse that if we did fail, we can only say that we have not signed anything – but this, this contract is very clear in its stipulations.

However, in all our worldly fears, we seem to have forgotten a statement at the beginning.

It says: TRUSTING IN THE LORD”S HELP AND GUIDANCE…I WILL…

I would never have signed this covenant… until yesterday’s exposition with our retreat master, Sr. Rose of the Carmelite Missionary.

Last Saturday, I was made to face my fears and my pains and there were a great many of them. They led to a feeling of numbness, a “deadness” inside that festered and affected my growth as a child of God. I took on roles and lived fixedly to those roles all the while thinking that if I let my masks slip, the world will reject me. I became the selfless daughter, the workaholic government employee, the patient teacher, the generous sister, the nice friend… but they were all on the surface. It was not me, not who I am. The self, according to Sister Rose, has four layers. We have the outer layer, the role self (the masks we wear), then we have the natural self, the actual self, and the true self.

It pained me to realize that I never really progressed from the outer layer. My actions, the things I do, never really came close to who I am. And this has destroyed all semblance of self-knowledge. I was a broken person, someone who barely knows who she is.

The fears and the pain clouded everything in me that despite all endeavours, I never really felt God’s love…until yesterday morning when His love, his amazing love, destroyed me…or who I thought I was.

He loves me. I felt it. His tremendous love humbles me and drives me to my knees time and again. I do not need to feel rejection because He loves me. And that is all that matters. His love.

So today, (err, I wanted to wait until Sunday but I want to sign this today), I will be signing my personal covenant with the God who loves me. I am not perfect. I am not strong enough. I am not worthy and no matter what I do, I will never be worthy of that love He has for me. To wait until I become worthy, perfect and strong enough will be to wait forever.

But, He has promised to help me. He has promised to hold my right hand. And I will always turn to Him when things go wrong and I start reverting to my masks.

I will trust Him, trust in His love.

Painless Hurt

Disappointments litter the life of every man. We are only disappoint because we expect too much from life and from others but, if we work with no expectation of a reward, we will truly be happy.

Lord, let me work and work hard in Your name and Your name alone. Let not all my efforts garner meaningless mortal praise and capricious human adulation. Let all my work be focus entirely upon your pleasure. Let me be an instrument of Your love.

Let my life be a celebration of Your unconditional love. Relieve my focus from worldly gain. Destroy all material desires within me. Humble me as a lowly mortal undeserving of Your blessings and love.