Like the Sunrise: Reflections on the SFC RECON 2015 (Part 1)

 

The Sunrise @ Baybay, Roxas City

I can’t move on with my life without purging the experience from my system. Maybe, by doing this, everything will settle down to routine.

You see, I attended the CFC-Singles for Christ Regional Conference (RECON) 2015 at Capiz National High School last August 28-30, 2015. The theme, God’s Masterpiece, came from the anchor verse 1 Corinthians 13:7.

“Love bears all things, believes in all things, hopes in all things and endures all things.”

Where else will this apply more but to our family? And where else are we being called to love more other than within our own families.

In the conference, I met God again in a place where His love is openly celebrated and where He is worshipped with no holding back. I encountered Him in a place where indeed, I felt at home (as I have always felt in SFC conferences, teachings and prayer meetings). The experience was powerful, beyond what mere words can describe. You have to experience it to really understand what I mean.

But, that powerfully beautifully and amazing experience was littered with painful realizations and recollections. Realizations that would help me in my journey and in choosing my vocation and recollections of the past hurts, anger, resentments I have been feeling that I buried deep within my heart so I will be able to survive and go on living. They all came out in the open, like newly opened can of worms.

Let’s focus on the sessions and what they have given me:

Session 1: God’s Masterpiece

Our speaker for this Talk was Bro. Martin Pil. He first introduced to us his family. Listening to a father speaking all those words about the family he has is weird. It made me wonder how my father speaks about us. I am sure he does it with pride but he also speaks about us with remembered pain, hurt, regret…as I often feel when I think about him…

The session emphasized that the family is God’s masterpiece because it is here that we:

a. First experience the love of God

b. Learn how to love

c. Form who we are and solidify our identities

d. relate with others

e. discover our purpose.

Because of the brokenness and woundedness of man, God’s design for the family is not being fulfilled. Instead, society has come to accept unconventional family set ups due to socio-economic and socio-cultural factors.

However, our model family should be the Holy Family. That we ought to follow them because of their:

a. Consistent obedience to His will

b. Steadfast faith

c. Daily devotion to prayer.

It is unfortunate that my family is not like that anymore. Only Nanay and my siblings are living together. Tatay is far away. Few people appreciate families like I do. But because my own family is incomplete, I have seen how wonderful it really is to have a complete and intact family with loving couples ensuring that God’s plan is protected and passed on to the next generation.

Every time I see couples and their children, I often feel envious but then, I would remember and say a prayer for the couple and their kids because the family is really under attack. Who would have thought that our family would break up, even after 20 years of marriage? But it happened because our foundation was weak… because we were too busy surviving that we forgot the Person to whom we owe our survival from….

Like the Sunrise on that first day, I remember how my family’s warmth caressed the beginning moments of my life and how, even as that warmth faded away, it was replaced by the burning love of being in God’s own family.

A Page from my Journal

 

I went to a Carmelite Missionaries search in last August 9, 2015. It was a bittersweet moment. But, here is what I wrote about it in my journal on that date.

Yep, I have been unsure when I started. After the search-in, I suffered from a headache and a feeling of tiredness while I was travelling home. I was depressed, desolate and unhappy… and I was not sure why. I was also afraid and sad.

The SFC Regional Conference 2015 helped clear the cobwebs a bit (more on the mega impact of the RECON later will be posted later though).

Here is an entry I wrote in my journal today…

“It was in the RECON 2015 that I have decided to be honest with myself. I also want to get married someday. I also want to have a family of my own. A husband who will love and cherished me in the way God intended a man to cherish and love a woman.

I long for that physical, actual emotional manifestation of the Lord's love in another person. The only bad thing about this is that I have a specific person in mind. And I know it should not be this way. I know I should wait for the special someone God has given to me…

I was going to be honest. I still liked the Carmelite Missionaries. I like the idea that there are sisters who have given their lives fully to the Lord. In fact, I would have loved it if I felt called in that way too.

However, if I insist on this vocation despite the discomforts I have been feeling, I would be very dishonest. I did not feel comfortable during the Carmelite Missionaries Search In. I felt pressured and upset and dissatisfied and bothered which is completely unlike that strengthened, nourished and enriched feeling I get from SFC Teachings, Conferences and Household Prayer meetings.

As I was travelling home that day, I felt drained. I suffered from a terrible head ache. I was upset and I could not settle down. I felt tired… the whole week after that, I struggled terribly from my usual addictions… I felt haunted and hunted.

Everything eased a little after our SFC Evangelization and CLP Training the Sunday after the Carmelite Search In. The community reminded me to stop stressing, to be faithful and to believe in the promises of the Lord.

Still, I felt frightened by the lack of security in the future I am envisioning for myself. Realizing you really don't feel called is rather embarrassing and disappointing. I was not really happy during the search in, I felt so self-conscious (this is the reason why I intended to finish the search-in in the first place. I needed to make sure that this is how I felt).

I am afraid because I have always used the religious vocation as an alternative to the kind of life I truly feared but wanted. I fear commitment and making myself vulnerable to another person because I have trust issues. I don’t know if I am capable of loving another person that much and I fear that when I realize I could, I won’t be able to believe or accept that another person can like or even love me as I am. Not in the romantic sense, no.”

 

So yes, that’s how my vocation discernment is going right now. I really wanted to be sure. But I am in a state of chaos…

However, a dear friend told me to that if I trust the Lord, if I have faith in Him as I claim I have, I will not fret or fear the future like this. Instead, I will hope in His promises and His plans because He is a good God…

Broken Pieces of Me

 

I don’t ever know why I ever make prayers that eventually hurt me… and the weird thing is God always hears those kind of prayers. I mean why doesn’t He listen when I ask Him for a promotion, a raise, a gadget I would have wanted to possess, freedom to travel, financial freedom and stuff like that?

Probably because He knows they won’t be good for me. Well, I do know that God only gives me the things that are good for me even if I do not agree with Him at the moment.

You see, yesterday (or maybe it was earlier), I prayed that God would show me what is wrong with my heart. I asked Him to reveal to me my sinful nature… and He did. And I feel so devastated by the extent of helplessness I feel over my own inner wickedness.

I am wicked at heart. My heart is filled with jealousy and rebelliousness. Every time I feel unloved by the people I care about, I throw a jealous tantrum. I just want to escape and whenever this is not possible, I become angry, resentful and I really am capable of expressing it.

Deep inside, I am a jealous person because I am insecure, very insecure. Deep inside, I do not trust other people to love me or care for me as much as I know I can care for or love them… I don’t really believe I can be loved. Because every time I let myself believed I can be loved, I end up feeling hurt or disappointed. I know God loves me but at times like this, I realized that wallowing in self-pity is easier than confronting how much I distrust the God I said I love.

I fear the Lord. I do not trust Him enough. I am afraid of His plans because even when I know that His plans are always good (yes, even His plans for me), I am not very sure that I would come to like His plans for me.

This is the reason why I was able to hide my hearts desires from myself. This is why, up to this point, I am always ambivalent and unsure of what I want. This is why I am able to complacently go with the flow and just grin and bear it (even grind my teeth while doing so). This is why I have grown so numb, why I have developed a lot of addictions that tear away at my body, my heart, my mind and my soul.

Ask me what I want to do with my life and myself and I will not be able to tell you because I feel afraid. I am afraid that once I learn what I truly want, God would discover my hearts’ desires and deny these things from me.

The funny thing is, I also know He knows them already. Even as I unconsciously refuse to acknowledge the things I desire, He already knows them. And He is not doing anything to keep me away from those things…There is nothing wrong with Him and everything is wrong with me, with my weak, human, fearful and distrustful heart.

I fear the Lord’s love and I do not trust His love. There is nothing wrong with His love and everything is wrong with mine.

It’s funny how I watch all other peoples’ lives flourish even as I secretly pray for good things for them and I wonder if others are even praying for me too.

In the religious community I am a member of, I have a sister whose boyfriend is also one of the brothers (I do pray that their relationship will flourish beautifully and be richly blessed by the Lord).  The other members teasingly mentioned that Sis **** is the prayer warrior of Bro ****. I joined in the teasing but I came to realize there is a truth in this too.

I wonder, who is praying for me too? Do I have no one? I come from a family of broken people. I am not sure what goes on in their private prayer lives. Mine is a mess, to be honest. (But we will talk about that in another blog entry). So, I wonder, does anyone pray for me? Or am I such an easy person to dismiss that no one can even recall me in their prayers (if you can see me now, staring before the screen, typing crazily, while tears are streaming down my face…it’s almost funny, and yes, there’s snot too).

I don’t want to think that way but I have that fear… I don’t feel important or significant in the lives of others. I don’t feel like I matter. I don’t feel valued. I feel like something of a burden. I feel like an intruder. Sometimes, I stay out of people’s way so I won’t be a bother.

Yes, this is what goes on in my heart. You see me smile but deep inside, I am this broken. You see me trying to be strong and keep it all together, but deep inside, this is the mess that I am.

I know only He can heal me from my own brokenness. He is the only One who can make me whole. I wonder, have I ever really known wholeness? The fragmented broken pieces of myself is scattered all over and He is picking up the pieces, dusting them away, washing the grime and the first with His own blood… pierced by the broken pieces of me as He resolutely pieced them together again.

One day, I will be made whole and on that day, my love for Him will be perfect, pure and true as my heart is washed clean of its wickedness and darkness and made clean and pure.

I long for that day.

Create in me, O God, a pure heart;

Give me a new and steadfast spirit.

Do not cast me out of Your presence

nor take your Holy Spirit from me.

                      - Psalm 51:12-13

God’s Precious People

 

These are my sisters from the community of the CFC-Singles for Christ. Pretty women, loving, generous in their gift of selves to the Lord and to each other… these are the women who walk with me in this journey towards getting to know the Lord better everyday.

And this picture I took from a brother’s facebook post shows our Chapter Assembly today. These are some of the brothers. They join us during Chapter Assemblies. Usually, we have separate household prayer meetings for sisters and brothers. However, in the past couple of months, we have been conducting joint household meetings.

I love this community. This is where I grew in the faith. In this community, I have encountered the Lord often and gotten to know Him up close and personal. I used to value the Talks and the Teachings. Now, however, I have come to value the people.

The other day, I asked God to show me His heart and how He loves ALL people. I felt that today. I did not really feel this during the prayer meeting. In fact, I felt it while reflecting about what happened.

Not more than ten SFC’s attended out meeting today. After our Bible Sharing, we talked about our upcoming Christian Life Program (CLP) while eating lunch prepared by a sister. I felt a little worried about the service team since only nine attended the meeting and I tried to convince myself that God will take care of everything. (He always does anyway).

But, while reflecting about the day, I realized how much I missed the presence of our fun-loving Unit Head who has been absent for quite sometime. Although he sometimes makes jokes at inappropriate times, I realized how his levity actually balances the seriousness of the sisters. I also realized how he has quietly served and provided for all our needs. We also had another brother who used to do all these things for us. Bro. Ahmid served SFC quietly, without fanfare, without asking for titles or labels. He has committed himself to the service and to Christ and loved all of us fully. They were true leaders. Not asking for definitions, titles, recognition… but quietly rendering service as best as they could.

Jesus said this Himself… the last will be first and the first will be last. Bro Nilo and Bro Ahmid embodied servant leadership fully.

This reflection also made me remember all the other SFC members and leaders that came and went in the last five years that I was a member of it. I remember our former Area Coordinator, Sis Tess  and her fiery passion and dedication to service. Her presence was already a power in itself.Then, there is Bro Jay-R, committed, quietly serving too and standing firm on his beliefs welcoming everyone with a warm and open heart. Sis Jejan was my DGL and household head. She is our Asst. Unit Head at present and her heart, her very life of commitment, her walking her talk helped me to grow not only as a Christian and daughter of the Lord but also as a woman. She always had a ready ear to listen, a loving heart to understand and honest lips to tell you where you might have fallen short so you can learn from your errors. Sis Remz, the woman half of our Couple Coordinators, always have a steadying presence. She is the voice of wisdom and reason for the group and her presence has guided us in our journey. Sis Ellen, one of our elder sisters, has always been the voice of wisdom. The depth of her biblical knowledge helped us muddle through the Scripture and her candor and frank nature has always allowed us to confront ourselves, our hidden selves and examine our conscience. Bro Jerome, former Unit Head, also played a huge part in making me see how God moves in each people and how we can always trust in the Lord’s guidance and provisions. His commitment and desire to serve is quite admirable.These were the brothers and sisters who were older than me in the community.

Those who joined the SFC at the same time I did and who are still present are Sis Razel and Bro Kit. Bro Nyor has recently left the community after committedly, constantly and determinedly serving as our Music Ministry Head. Work opportunities in Manila lured our baby brother but he has also joined the community there. I already missed his commitment and zeal and passion to serve despite all odds. Sis Razel is now a household head too and last year, she was our Asst. Team Leader in the CLP. Sis Razel’s struggle and growth over the years has also inspired me and her sweet nature and openness made household meetings enjoyable. She has been my confidant in the community and I tell her secrets and stuff I could not tell anyone. Bro Kit has rejoined the community after a hiatus of two(or three) years. A young man full of wisdom and talent, a lot has been demanded of him upon his return. He has served as Team Leader in the last CLP and he is the team leader again in this year’s CLP. He is a true gentleman to the core and very considerate of others too.I know once he commits himself fully to whatever it is he is doing, he can make things really happen.

The members who came in later were members that we were called to serve during the CLP and they occupy really special places in my heart. They are like children and we are accountable to God in guiding them, in loving them, in being expressions of God’s love to them. I am unable to name all of them since I started serving four years ago but their very lives and their very persons are deeply engraved in my heart. I have invested a little bit of myself in those CLP’s. I once thought I was merely serving out of responsibility. Later on, I started thinking I was serving the Lord. Now, I can feel it. I am not only serving out of responsibility, and not only for the Lord but also for the people He loves… His precious people.

Each of the member of this community plays a definite and vital role not only in the SFC but also in the lives of each other. Missing those who were no longer here and what they have done has made me realize how precious each and every member of the community is, not only in God’s sight but also in each others lives. Each of us are truly God’s amazing gifts to the other. And we anticipate more of God’s love manifesting itself through more members of the community.

We, the CFC-Singles for Christ Passi City Chapter, wholeheartedly, and eagerly anticipates another opportunity of sharing ourselves, our lives and our experiences in our journey of Love with His precious people.

Inside Out: The Truth about Me

 

I would not call this a movie review of Pixar’s movie, Inside Out. I watched it last night and ended up crying in inappropriate moments. Yeah, I just had to use my earphones to block out the rest of the world and surreptitiously check to make sure no one is around to question my tears.

I guess I felt these emotions strongly because I came to certain realizations. But let’s talk about the movie first before I tell you why I cried buckets of tears “in the middle of a colored cartoon”…

The movie shows a fascinating portrayal of what went on inside Riley’s head and how the gamut of really simple emotions inside headquarters created a mess that led to that point where I found myself crying a bucket.

It started with Joy, pleasant, slim, pretty and always perky Joy who, in a really selfish manner, refused to allow her fellow “emotion”, Sadness, to touch the memories because she feared that Sadness will make Riley, well, sad… Sadness is my favorite “emotion” right from the start.

While I was walking around the cinema lanes at Robinson’s Place (or was it SM City, I forgot), two months ago, I found myself drawn to the screen showing a trailer of Inside Out. I thought I was a lot like Sadness, physically and well, emotionally… Sadness was just sad… the weak voice of reason when compared to Joy’s bubbly effervescent personality.

But, there were also other emotions. There was Fear, purple-colored Fear who kept Riley safe. There was Anger who made sure that Riley always got what she wanted. And there was Disgust, slimy colored Disgust who prevented Riley from being poisoned, physically and socially.

When Joy and Sadness were sucked out of headquarters (and I blame Joy’s one-track mind for it), everything went haywire. Well, imagine what would happen when the only emotions you can feel are Fear, Anger and Disgust… and all this during one major event in your life?

What Riley knew about life and herself were suddenly destroyed. I know how that felt. Riley suddenly found herself arguing with her Father (Anger’s fault), and stealing money from her mother to pay for a bus ticket to go back to their old place. The three emotions left at headquarters panicked when they could no longer make Riley feel anything.

And it can happen. When everything in your world has been turned up side down and inside out and truth turned to lies and what was once reliable has let you down, you start feeling numb.It happened to me and  I too, lost touch of all emotion. I was unable to feel anything. Nothing could reach me. I guess I survived because I numbed my heart… if not for that, I probably would have done something drastic when all that was left that could deal with the pain was anger.

I was angry for a long, long time and I could not let go of that anger because it would hurt me if I do. Years after my parents break-up, I still continued to hide my emotions. The night everything went haywire, I almost committed suicide. Joy left me. I refused to entertain Sadness because I did not want to appear weak. I probably could not handle her and no one was around to help me handle her. I was alone. All I had were fear, disgust, anger.And the consoles just would not respond properly.

I don’t know where I am now at my journey. I think I am still an emotional mess but because I joined the CFC-SFC, I started feeling Joy and Sadness along with Hope, Faith, and Love.Anger, Disgust and Fear are still there but they are starting to get themselves in their proper perspectives (and yes, we have a weekend retreat about them too in The Christian and His Emotions).

I guess I cried because I know how Riley felt or did not feel while she was riding that bus. And the whole movie just made me realize how I managed to avoid confronting my feelings and how unhealthy it is to do so.

I am really clueless when it comes to emotions. I don’t know how to react. I have a flight or fight response and in most instances, the “flight” response often wins. I have a lot of escape plans and because of them, I have developed unhealthy habits and certain addictions.

I know at my age, I ought to be a little mature about it but honestly, I am still figuring out where all the pieces fit. I am quite hopeful since I have the best Tutor for it.

I can cry all I want with Him. I can be myself with Him. I can be angry, happy, and cranky with Him and He will always know how to handle me in my emotional mess so that eventually, faith, hope and love will win in the end.

All photos in this entry are not mine.

God’s Miracles and our Roles in Them

 

The last time I attended our Lower North Sector Upper Heads Meeting was last March. A lot of conflicts in my schedule and certain emotional and spiritual state issues got in the way. (I probably did not think too much about the value of attending our Upper Heads Meetings).

Last week, I decided that no matter what my emotional or spiritual state is, I am going to attend these Prayer Meetings… it does not matter if they are near or far or if someone is going to travel with me to these parts but I will be attending them anyway.

My desires and decisions were affirmed in our Chapter Assembly and Prayer Meetings for the month of July. Sis Remz said “Unaha lang bala ya ana ka Diyos, indi ka guid magsala.” (Put God first and you will never go wrong).

Why have I failed to attend our upper heads meetings? One reason is I like to say yes to keep the peace at home. Nanay does not like it when I go off to wherever it is I go off for SFC. So, in my desire not to rock the boat, I would just stay at home and sulk. The lack of financial resources is another. I have made a mess of the resources God has given me (that is another story in itself), so I am suffering the consequences now. So sometimes, I can’t go because I do not have the money for the fare. Another reason is the emotional and spiritual state I am in. I have work to do and I am tired have become overused phrases for a long while now.

But, in truth, it’s just my lack of faith and commitment and my laziness that gets in the way. It’s true. God gives you everything you ask from Him especially when the purpose is for His kingdom. It’s just that I do not ask because sometimes, it’s easier to hide in my room and let life run away from me.

But, today I felt deeply affirmed for having attended the Upper Heads meeting. It has always been like this in our Upper Heads meetings. I don’t know exactly what the difference is but after it, I would feel stronger, better, and comforted. I would go home with a lightness and gladness of heart even if I would still be going home to the same problems and issues I left behind in the first place. I just feel spiritually stronger.

Today, I clearly felt God’s consolation and love. I felt His invitation. I realized that invitation has always been there. I felt He has been asking me to serve Him in this way but I have always refused Him because I desired something else, something easier, something I wanted when He wanted something else.

I thought I was an ALS Mobile Teacher because He planned to use ALS as a stepping stone in my rise to a higher position. I did not know that higher position does not mean a promotion along the higher echelons of DepEd. His promotion was something else. He wants me to do what He has done, to walk the path He has walked, to reach out to the people who needs the most, to go out and gather the the lost, the least and the last.

I am a Mobile Teacher not just for show. He led me into this particular work for a reason and it’s not just for me to grow in here. He has a purpose and I am praying that He would help heal my bitterness and my pain so I can be of better use in His miracles…

My Love Kita! Experience

Or Why I Attend SFC Conferences…

Attending the CFC-SFC Iloilo Provincial Conference for 2015 was God’s personal surprise for me.

I never expected that I would be able to attend the said conference. For the last two months, I have cajoled,convinced and threatened my mother to allow me to attend the said conference… but deep inside, I have already given up on the possibilities. I am far too cowardly to get what I wanted anyway.

I once threatened Nanay with a text message demanding that she should allow me to attend our ProvCon  since I am very close to my “snapping point”. When she asked me what I meant, I chickened out and told her to ignore what I said.

Nanay does not want me to go because she considers Carles too far (but its okay for me to attend work-related conferences to Baguio, Tagaytay and Cebu City… huh, figure that out). She also thinks that I can always worship God in my room or at Church which is the most important part of my relationship with God. (She just does not understand or maybe, she understands too well since she was once an active member of a religious org in her heydays!)

What changed the weather? I did. Or maybe, God enabled me to. He gave me the courage, the resources, and the opportunity to attend the conference at the last minute…

Few people will understand why Singles for Christ attend conferences like this one. In fact, until I experienced those conferences, I was never that eager to go. I mean, why spend the weekend in discomfort? (Our Love Kita! experience was definitely a story worth retelling).

Well, here are my reasons for attending SFC Conferences. Maybe someday, Nanay would be able to read this and understand why I feel the need, the longing to encounter my Beloved through SFC conferences.

1. I am given the chance to step out of the fast-lane called life and reflect on my part in God’s grand scheme.

Travel time from Passi City to Carles (the venue for the 2015 ProvCon) took 3-4 hours. We took the bus from Passi to Roxas and waited for the bus to Balasan from Crossing Lanot. After the two-hour ride to Balasan, we rode a jeepney to Carles (about 30 minutes).

 

The travel time alone is enough to let you think about life and where it is taking you. For me, the destination is not just the goal. Most of my significant musings and discussions with the Lord happens over the long-distance travel from our residence to wherever it is He is taking me.

One of my most memorable TRAVELOGUE with the Lord occurred on the four-hour trip to Concepcion, the venue of last year’s Intimacy Weekend Retreat. Because I had a prior engagement, I had to travel alone. And yes, it was the best travel experience of my life so far… because I felt His presence-His enfolding, protecting, loving presence on that bus ride to Concepcion.I felt so blessed and so overwhelmed that day.

2. I get to worship Christ on a deeper level, in the company of likeminded people who share in His love.

One of the experiences that I look forward to during Conferences is the Praise Fest. Praise fests are lengthy worship moments. During praise fests, we get to praise, glorify and worship the Lord through corporate worship,and by singing,praise and worship songs…

 

I am not a very expressive person but in the privacy, intimacy and solemnity of a praise fest in the SFC community, I feel as if I am able to freely let go and worship the Lord. I am allowed to openly immerse myself in His presence, in His pleasure, in His love.

During moments like this, I keep imagining the Lord, looking down upon all of us, with a pleased and happy smile on His face, and loving tears in His eyes.

I feel as if through this, I am able to express my love for Him and show that I know how good He is, how awesome, and amazing and how I believe that His love is so great and perfect. Through the praise fest, I get to express what words can never truly convey.

3. Through conferences like this, I get to encounter Christ.

 

Our Love Kita! experience has given me a unique perspective about life and about God’s love. The parish priest’s homily reminded us not to keep ourselves “exclusive” as a community. The charismatic revival, he said, was meant to empower the Church, to keep it burning hot and on fire. Instead of keeping God’s love within our community, we should reach out to the rest of the world.

And I realized what he meant by that the very next day when, in search of water (since the water supply in our lodging area was cut off), a poor couple offered us their home for our morning ablutions. They were not part of the community, and their home, after being devastated by Yolanda, was still in an impoverished state. But, they were very generous, and accommodating to us.

I think this is what the Parish Priest meant. Our activities within the community should not be limited therein. We must bring love especially outside the community for a lot of people need that love.

My encounter with the Lord taught me this…. We live in a broken world. Broken adults are raising broken children. And broken people, like broken glass, hurt others that comes into contact with it.

Christ is the healer of our brokenness and the world needs Him. It needs us to bring them to Him and Him to them through our actions, our words and our very lives.

Faith: The Beginning

 

Now we have faith, hope and love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.c- 1 Corinthians 13:13

A serious seeker may have gone through a similar path,I will never really know.But, I did. I went from faith, to hope and then now, I’m getting to know love as a verb and a noun at the same time.

I remember my prayer when I first joined the CFC-Singles for Christ. I asked for faith.

My faith, back then, was primeval. It was the faith of a child who thought she must do good works so that she will be loved.

I thought God’s love is a conditional kind of love.

My faith was very weak. God knows how weak it was and how I constantly question everything around me.

I was very distrustful and controlling and I expected God to hurt me and fail me all the time. I had a lot of questions too and I never really accepted the easy answers to them. I had to know and I had to be sure, that was my mantra.

During the Christian Life Program (CLP), I asked our Discussion Group Leader (DGL) about how I can have more faith in God. My faith was minuscule. It was probably microscopic at best. She gave me one pat answer: Pray for it.

It was probably not the right thing to say to a doubting Thomas. Because praying needs faith. And I could not pray very well especially when I am not sure the one I was praying to was paying any attention to me. He doesn’t seem to be listening to me back then.

I did pray for it though. No matter how intelligent you are, no matter how you rationalize things, God will always defeat you. I could not win this battle without surrendering to the greater wisdom of God. I can’t find answers to my questions in books, to the people I talked to (and yes, I talked to many helpful Christians from many denominations and still, their answers did not make any sense).

Nothing was wrong with all their answers. I was in the wrong. I was looking at everything not with the eyes of faith, thus, I cannot comprehend them at all. I was trying to understand the beautiful mystery of the Lord with the world’s knowledge.

So, I prayed for faith. And I received what I prayed for. The faith that He gave me continues to grow stronger everyday. There are times when I weaken, when I forget, and then, I would try to control my surroundings or escape with a quick fix.

But, the microscopic seed is growing, especially if its is continuously nourished and fed with His word, with communal worship, with the Sacraments.

Faith was only the beginning. And just like modern teachers, God taught me faith in spiral progression, along with hope and love.

The Seeker 2.0

 

This is me, coming clean…

In the midst of the chaos of my mind, the flurry of activity around me, the anxiety of my soul, the longings and insecurities and fears of my heart… I was able to hear Him say to me: “Pause for a while… take it slow. Let’s take it slow.”

I was so anxious to rush into things. I was so defensive and all my walls were up. Jealousy, insecurities, fear and the need to take control of things filled me day in and day out. I snatched back the heart I surrendered in His care because things were getting out of hand.

I fell in love. I missed out on a promotion. I got a lot crazy. I came to realize the mistakes of my youth and the regrets were eating out at me. I succumbed to my weaknesses and let my dementia get the better of me. All in all, I was trying to take control of my life so that I could take care of the pain… or in the very least, numb my heart as I did before.

It did not work. It was the heavy streak of jealousy and insecurity that did me in. I am such a good actor that no one could really see what is happening in my heart and its something I can never really share because I do not want to destroy friendships and good relationships when my secret feelings come to light. I want the object of my affection to be happy in his choices. And if it so happens that he likes someone close to my heart, its okay. She’s a good choice for him. She will take good care of him. He is a good choice for her. A steady person who is dependable, one you can trust and rely on… such a pillar of strength has been missing in our lives so far.

I am probably leaving clues around here (and I am keeping my fingers crossed that those significant people won’t be reading this) but yeah, it was love that did me in. And when love is outside the context of its Godly perspective, when we try to love without God in it (probably because we want to preserve a portion of our hearts and our minds and reserve something for ourselves…) we become selfish, our vision narrows, we become jealous…

The other day, I decided to come clean to myself and to God. Yes, I am jealous and denying the jealousy is warping up my thinking. My actions were already unkind and yeah, spiteful. So, I decided to give my heart back to God (and I do not want it back).

In His hands, my heart will be safe. In His care, my heart will be okay. I am no longer sure if I want to pursue becoming a religious sister. Let me be honest here. Wanting to become a religious sister has been my defense mechanism for a long, long time. It kept my heart safe (the image of a princess in an impregnable tower without a charging prince or knight in shining armor). I don’t really feel called. There was and is no sense of being called to be one inside me. I just wanted to feel so special that I made myself believe God chose me for this special vocation. (Being rejected and bypassed and being unnoticed a lot of times for not measuring up or because of your physical appearance, incapacities takes a toll on a vain, female heart. It’s so easy to disregard the need to feel loved and appreciated when you tell them you have reserved your all to the Lord).

I will also be honest in here. I am like all the other girls in the world. I also want to get married someday. I guess for a long time, I resigned myself with the possibility of not being able to get married because of my weight. No guy could ever like a girl like me, I decided. I still won’t believe romantic love can happen to someone like me. And so, I have learned to hide my heart so that it won’t ever feel a man’s rejection.So that it won’t ever be hurt… but,despite all the hiding, love still caught me unawares. And my heart is hurting… since I can’t stand the hurt, I decided to give my heart to God… so He will keep it safe for me.

Maybe, someday, I would also know love in that other sense…Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know what God has in store for me. All I know is, from now on, I am focusing on Him. Getting to know His love. Getting to know Him. If He decides to give my heart to someone, I am sure its because He trusts that this someone will help Him care for my broken, fragile heart.

Maybe, someday….

But for now, Jesus and I will take it slow… as I explore the greatest love story and romance of my life.

Live Fully, Love Fully, Live Love Fully

 

I have not posted for quite a while now. I have been going through some experience I did not feel comfortable sharing. I don’t feel ready to share them but I feel compelled to at least, lay them out and see for myself what they mean.

I was quite aghast when I heard one of my mother’s biggest argument against SFC. “Nagaparis-paris kamu” (You’re pairing up with each other). I vehemently denied this one because I was completely unaware of what Nanay meant. Although I often hear a lot about finding GG’s (or God’s Gift, your supposed partner in life) during Talks, I did not pay them any mind at all. I was probably unready for it. I was busy searching my heart, knowing myself and the God who loves me to even think about such stuff. Plus, I am really very much aware how difficult it would be for my future suitor to court me… he will have to battle my mother (she’s determined that I will be her partner for life), my entire family (they are very sure that I will never marry and I am wondering why they think so) and me too (since I am an insecure coward, an obedient daughter and a doting older sister).

That was, until the SFC Intimacy Weekend which I felt I was not ready to attend. Although I was determined to go, I lacked the enthusiasm I usually felt about going on SFC Teachings as I often did before. I felt reluctant because of the distance. We had our Intimacy Weekend at Concepcion. It takes four hours of bus ride before reaching the town. I decided to miss my MAEd class, ditch my sister from a shopping trip she so wanted and ate so much because I was confused whether I wanted to go or not. What was in it for me? In the CFC-Singles for Christ track I read somewhere online two years ago, I remember reading that the Intimacy Weekend was for engaged couples. It’s not for lost, lonely spinsters like me (yeah, my boss just called me an old maid last week and I probably am at that).

In our chapter, I was the only uncoupled participant. I was with Sis Jejan and her then fiancee (now husband) Bro Romer and Sis Remz and her husband Bro Randy. I told myself my partner was Jesus and all the way to Concepcion, while travelling alone at such a distance (aside from my Baguio Bus ride, I have never travelled alone that far), I felt God was with me… I just love travelling alone, I guess especially knowing I was going to a place where I will be meeting people I have something in common with – Jesus.

The talks were heavy, a little embarrassing and quite sensitive. I realized the purpose behind SFC itself. Couples for Christ conceptualized its family ministries to protect the family and they have to start early. They have to start with individuals, single men and women who will eventually become CFCs in the future. Future husbands and wives in Christ, fully grown and mature in their faith and ready to live up to the vocation of marriage.

It was here I realized how beautiful marriage is. Confronted with loving Christian couples (especially the ones I was with), I felt drawn, more accepting, and a whole lot more understanding about people who chose the vocation of marriage. This is love. My twisted concept of marriage being a noose and a bother was shattered. Scoffing over the very human need to have someone with whom you can bare yourself completely, someone who can carry the struggle when you can’t be strong anymore, someone who can be there for you and tell you how wonderful, beautiful and amazing you are, someone who equally needs you, your understanding, love and affection, your comfort and your very presence… that was just amazing in itself.

Back then, I told myself I welcome all vocations. Whether God has willed me for single blessedness and the religious life or married life – I am okay with it. But, I was really partial to single blessedness and desiring the religious life (I felt I need it more than God needed me to be a religious sister or a cloistered nun). The reason why I cannot seem to move forward with my discernment is that I haven’t explored married life at all. My own experience shattered the concept of romance. I did not trust human love at all. I do not know how to trust another person in such a manner that I would completely entrust my heart that way. I know I can trust God, trust His plans and His purpose (but despite that, He will still hurt me or disappoint me because it is necessary for His purpose) but not another person.

The Intimacy Weekend was one teaching I was not ready for. However, it accomplished one thing. It made me open my heart to that other vocation I sincerely refused to consider because I preferred the “alone with God” options. It challenged my concept of my own vocation and it led me to the beautiful conclusion that all vocations are meant to glorify God.

Routines, Responsibilities and Selfish Servitude

 

While you live searching for meaning, there is this one guy (representative of the many probably) in the world whose wasting his time and millions in selfish, self-serving pursuits, offending people with his very lifestyle and not caring a whit.

I used to find Dan Bilzerian fascinating. His very lifestyle appealed to the rebellious, dark streak I had - the side that read erotic romance novels. He was the epitome of the heroes I met (except for the I-don’t-care-attitude) in those paranormal romance novels (I kept imagining him in place of Dragos, the dragon tycoon, yes, dragon, from Thea Harrison’s novel, Dragon Bound).

I know Dragos and his ilk do not exist in real life. But since my imagination is poor, while reading Dragon Bound, I kept putting Dan Bilzerian in his place… and the heroine? I had the image of someone like that girl from Tekken  ( I know I need to brush up on my imagination and pay attention to details when reading and no, I am not one of those girl who imagine myself in place of the heroines, I don’t have the guts. The heroes and heroines just become my friends and well, I haven’t read much novels with fat heroines in them, so I really, really can’t imagine away).

I keep thinking how lucky he is to have that much money to waste away while I turn over all my earnings to send my younger siblings to school. I even have to scrape the meager amount of money I have left to photocopy learning materials for my learners and yeah, still have some left for my favorite street food, at the end of the day. Every lunchtime I go home to feed our pets and spend time with our cat and her kittens, I keep thinking that if I had his money, I would build a home conducive to pets where I can let them loose and they can play their hearts away and I would not have to worry that they might slip outside and get run over by vehicles.

I find myself wondering why he is doing what he is doing. And then I would ask why am I doing what I am doing? What do I do? I wake up late (because I read late into the night trying to escape my problems and reality), rush to our Community Learning Center and conduct learning sessions with my out-of-school youth learners, and buy squid balls and japanese siomai after class to make myself feel better. Then, I would go home and feed the cats and dogs. Go back to work on session plans, learning materials, and sometimes, work on reports requested by our supervisor and paper stuff requested by the City or hold tutorial sessions. Then, before my family comes home from work or school (I still live with my family), I have to clean up the house, wash the dishes and make sure everything's okay. Then I would go up to my room to sleep or read or just putter around, trying to run away from the frustration that this is not the life I want to live. By Saturday, I would waste an entire day reading away, escaping. On Sunday, I would force myself to go to Mass and attend the Singles for Christ’s prayer meetings and activities. Then, we would repeat everything else on Monday. I do things out of routine and responsibility.

And then, I find myself online staring at amazing, titillating photos that Dan Bilzerian would post on his twitter account and think, wow, what a waste. Waste of resources, waste of time (time especially), waste of human life, created in God’s image and doing things it is not supposed to do… and he does not care at all!

Am I bitter? Am I jealous? Did his lifestyle made mine pale in comparison? Here’s a man doing what he wants for himself and here I am doing what others want me to do. What is the difference? Both lives are still a waste. I do things selflessly, it may appear, but deep inside, I feel bitter, joyless. I just keep doing it for appearances sake, for responsibility’s sake, which is not how life was meant to be.I try to escape the pain of living for others by reading and eating too much. Sometimes, I also sleep too much because I know, deep inside, I am wasting my life.

There’s nothing wrong with doing things for other people but doing so because you feel guilty, or because you can’t say no for fear of offending them and then feel bad about everything you had to do is the wrong thing. Trying to escape that situation by reading, eating and sleeping my life away is also the wrong things.

Passion is the answer. A passion for life, for God, for His people. A love for them moving inside your soul, extending from within you, making your limbs move to serve, out of love, out of joy, out of concern, not out of routine and responsibility.This one is healthy.

What should I live for? I have no final answer or answers for this question but in the meantime, I have these:

1. I live for my family 

I live for my brothers and sisters and my parents…to provide them with a better way of life than what they could have without me.

2. I live for my learners 

I live to encourage and inspire them to be the best self that they can become even at those points when no one would want to believe in them

3. I live for my Father in Heaven

God loves me so much that He made me. It was His love that enabled me to be alive and it is this love that I hold on for living. I may stumble and fall, I may sometimes get lost in this journey, but I live with the clear awareness and knowledge that I am journeying towards something and that is Him.

4. I live for His people

God loves His people. He created man out of the enormity of that love. In our Christian Life Program, I learned that the ten commandments are summarized into two: (1) Love God with all your heart, soul and strength and (2) Love your neighbor as you love yourself. It is important for us to love ourselves too because that is the measurement of the kind of love we can give another person, our neighbor, the person in need that we encounter in our lives.

Back to Dan Bilzerian. Who am I to judge his life or lifestyle? Who are we indeed? I believe that eventually, all of us will answer to Someone, and that Someone has already told us what He wanted from us right from the start. It’s up to us to use what He has given us. But we would eventually answer to Him, in the end.

But to the judgmental side of ourselves who wants to decide on the time and place of reckoning ourselves, here’s a timely reminder:

 

Yep. And I thank the Lord for that timely reminder too.

I am Mary Magdalene

I don’t know if I will ever publish this blog post. If I did, then, you would be reading it.
Mary Magdalene is the notorious prostitute who was almost stoned because she was caught in an adulterous act. She was saved from death because of Jesus. After that, Magdalene did not go her merry way to sin again. Instead, she followed the Christ and became one of His disciples.
Today, July 22, is her feast day.
I can identify with Mary Magdalene. The 1st reading and the psalm today speaks of a longing for the Lord. A longing I have been familiar with for the past months.
My previous blog entries speak of how I am waiting, because I have grown tired of my own self-control. It speaks of my discontent as I try to fill my life with things that do not count – work, ambition, graduate school, a lot of books especially the erotic ones, food, too much sleeping- I actually allowed myself all the pleasure it can afford. But, no matter how I fill the emptiness in me, it cannot be assuaged. I was still longing.
The first reading got that correctly.
“Asleep on my bed, night after night I dreamed of the one I love; I was looking for him, but I couldn’t find him.” –Song of Songs, 3:1
I went through that phase and filled it with things that are not right in His eyes. I knew it but it was so easy to justify it. I was Magdalene. And I was not happy.
I keep wondering if there will ever be a time when I would feel the joy of His presence, the assurance of His love and I know I could not do that as long as I keep holding on to the novels that make it so impossible for me to be with Him.
Then, last Sunday, after so much pressure and so much trouble, I attended the SFC CLP Training. It was the first SFC event I went to after 10 months. I keep missing everything after I struggled over an identity crisis, with some fear and doubt thrown in. I am not sure how things changed. I felt it was brewing then for a while.I’ve gone back to hearing the Mass on Sunday. I was experiencing Catholicism anew.I was trying to convince myself that by just hearing the mass, I would be okay. I do not need to attend SFC activities anymore.But something was lacking.
So, that Sunday, I went back to the community I did not really openly turn away from. And things changed.It’s like I woke up.
All I know is that a Christian community helps you experience the fullness of God’s love. My Christian Community, the CFC-Singles for Christ, despite its imperfections (because its members are the very same human beings that God loves so much), helped me overcome the struggle… not in empty words of encouragement. I haven’t told anyone the struggle I was going through but their kindness, their concern, their availability to be used by God, made them all a conduit of His love for me. And so, in that old chapel in Duenas, I found God again or maybe, like Magdalene in today’s Gospel, Jesus found her, knew her, called her by name. It was only when Jesus called her by name that she realized she was not talking to the gardener but to the risen Lord Himself. (John 20:1-2, 11-18).
And when she did find him, “I held him and wouldn’t let him go until I took him to my mother’s house, to the room where I was born.” – Song of Songs 3:4

I am Mary Magdalene. My sins have shackled me from experiencing life to its fullest (and I know experiencing it to the fullest doesn’t mean just enjoying it but living life and feeling all the range of emotions man is supposed to go through and still feel love, peace and joy because you know that God is with you). I am Mary Magdalene. And He found me again, knew me, and called me by name.

Longing for God

(Psalm 63:1-8)

O God, you are my God and I long for you.

My whole being desires you; like a dry, worn-out, and

waterless land, my soul is thirsty for you.

Let me see you in the sanctuary;

let me see how mighty and glorious you are.

Your constant love is better than life itself,

and so I will praise you.

I will give you thanks as long as I live;

I will raise my hands to you in prayer.

My soul will feast and be satisfied,

and I will sing glad songs of praise to you.

As I lie in bed, I remember you;

all night long I think of you,

because you have always been my help.

In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.

I cling to you, and your hand keeps me safe.

Life as You Planned It

 

I am a planner by nature. I like making to do list. I also like making daily “want” list. I have plans for one year, plans for the next five years, plans for the next ten years and hopeful aspirations for the remaining years of my life.

I have plans for myself, plans for my family, plans for work, plans for everything. I told you I like plans.

When my supervisor tells me to do work plans and action plans, my soul is thrilled. I can’t wait to challenge my imagination regarding how I want the future to be.

The problem with planning (and yes, there is a problem with planning especially at the end of the planned period) is that plans rarely materialize. Some of what you planned will happen but often, they happen in ways you least planned them to be. Some of what you planned never happens. And when you care, you get hurt and disappointed – a lot.

Lesson/Session plans are also the same story. Sometimes your plans are realized. Sometimes, they are not. Like right now, while waiting for my learners to arrive, I can’t help but feel disappointed because they actually failed to come. Only one learner came and we cannot do the lesson I have planned… not alone. So, I need to do something else for her… which is not in my plan at all.

Life never goes according to our plans. They seldom do. However, planning is still a good thing. It makes you understand what you want for the future and how you want it to be. I just have to learn not to get too immersed in planning because I just might be missing the point of living.

So, what’s on my plan today?

1. To live life to its fullest today.

2. To feel and really feel but not be overwhelmed or controlled by emotions.

3. To enjoy the moment!

4. To live this world a better and brighter place than it was before I came into it today.

5. To bask in God’s love every moment.

Little Mercies, Little Blessings

 

 

Dear Heart,

You were so torn and broken yesterday, weren’t you? You were so worried, and so afraid, you were fretting out. You were coveting something so much that you have forgotten about the essential things in your journey.

Aren’t you thankful that God made you see something yesterday? Aren’t you grateful for seeing how precious teaching is? Yes, that promotion will give you a good salary. It will give you the respect and approval that you crave so much. It will show all those people who rejected you before that you can climb up the ladder of success while you are young. Aren’t you thankful for that friend and colleague who reminded you that there is more to this life than just this?

There is nothing wrong with wanting success but earlier, God told you something so clearly that He made sure to leave it on a pink folder inside the adoration chapel. I am sure you were so weary that you came in there, as if being pulled by unseen strings, simply to cool off the heat of the sun. Who won’t when you bore out the heat of the noonday sun after  you got perplexed and confused with the gamut of emotions running around your little corners during your conference with other ALS implementers.

On that neat little pink folder, the reflection asks you to think back on why you want success. Yes, bare yourself, little heart. He already knows why. Now come up, own up to it, and admit it right now and see what it really is for. Isn’t that a desire to be loved and appreciated for everything you have done? Isn’t that a desire for approval? Teaching won’t give you that because as long as you teach, you will be obliged to make others- your learners for example- to feel more important than yourself. You can’t stand doing that for the next ten or fifteen years of your life? Yes, you can. And you might as well learn not just to live with it but to love it. Because God’s approval in everything you do is more important than the adulations of anyone else. You only need to know and feel this one important thing – God approves of you, that’s why he created you.God loves you so much, that’s why you are still here. God has a plan for you.

You know one thing I have learned, dear Heart, one thing I think you should really learn to believe in. We make plans yes, but ultimately, God’s plan for us is better than we ever imagined our future to be.

You don’t need rewards and awards and the recognition of your superiors. Honest hard work is it’s own reward.

Lovingly reminding you,

Heaven

What Went Unsaid

 

Image from: https://www.facebook.com/digitalchristian

Today, I just announced on Facebook that I plan on quitting it for a while. I have been trying to do that for several months now but the need to be connected, to see what others are doing, what they may be thinking, to share this “awesome” part of me that just screams to be shared… these are the reasons that stop me every time I decide to quit.

I am a certified Facebook junkie. If I had the beauty and the body, I probably would be posting ‘selfies’ too. All I have is my brainy-brag moments. I just love to brag!(and not in a good way too).

However, Facebook sometimes depresses me. Every time I see negative status updates, war declarations, petty quarrels, and angry tirades, I just feel depress all the time.Every time I see people my age post pictures of their babies, handsome husbands and pretty wives (of course they are beautiful people, they found partners after all)I just feel pea-green with jealousy. Pictures of travels to foreign places just make me downright envious that often, I would feel bad for myself. And I would end up crying myself to sleep all because good ol’ me has not left the Philippines after all (and yes, I would forget to pray too).

For the past years, Facebook has become an open journal of certain thoughts I don’t share to people personally. What I could have told my learners, friends, my brothers and sisters,co-workers,  I end up posting to the whole world – and those words don’t mean much to those who read them and those who matter don’t always end up reading them.

I believe I just replaced my book addiction with online addiction. And I don’t feel alive doing that. I just feel like I need my Facebook fix or else…

But there’s the good side to Facebook too. The pages and posts dedicated to Christ always uplift my soul. I would miss them. I would miss my Facebook friends whom I stalk simply because I want to witness their secret relationship with the Lord and I want to see what make them so different from mere weak mortals like me. I would miss posting my thoughts too and believing that my little ideas, insights and realizations are making a difference in someone else’s life just as what the Facebook posts of those Ate’s and Kuya’s from SFC has done with my days.

I would miss the soul-inspiring digital works of art from several Facebook pages too. They enliven my desktop every day.

I would still keep blogging but for now, I long to spend time with the One who matters and its definitely not Zuckey’s baby.

Love and Other Drugs (Pt.2)

 

I read too much.

I have tried starting my blog several times with that. Reading is my chosen drug. My guilty little pleasure, along with food.

I read too much. Not a lot, but too much. I don’t read to enlighten the mind. I don’t read for literary entertainment. I do not read to know or be aware. I read to escape.

I do not have much of a life if I compare my life with that of people my age. I don’t go to parties. I never went on any night-outs. I never drink (except for red wine). I never shopped except for essential stuff (meaning books). I never leave home on weekends except for school and lately, church or SFC activities. I never went places except for work-related seminars and trainings (and I never ventured out of the venue, not in Baguio, certainly not in Tagaytay or in Manila (except for that expensive dinner with our City’s first lady) although several concerned souls dragged me around Cebu twice or thrice).

I guess when you don’t have much experience, you compensate somewhere. I compensate by reading a lot. If I can say vicarious living is experience, I would say I have been through a lot of scandalous reading material to offer me one lifetime of experience over people my age. I know stuff I am not supposed to know and I am aware of things women my age and my background and upbringing should not know about.

My teachers used to warn Nanay about the reading materials I pore over during school breaks. I hated them for ruining my enjoyment of a spicy historical romance novel and because of their reaction, I would often raise up my books covered with scantily dressed couples cavorting on lush, verdant, forest-like backgrounds, just to irritate them.

But my teachers were right. I have become addicted to these books. Whenever I am upset, I read. Whenever I am worried, scared, troubled, I read. If I do not read, I eat. Sometimes,I wish Nanay carefully monitored what I was reading all those years ago. (If I get married and have a daughter, my daughter will be reading books on my lap!).

Reading is so much easier than praying.

Reading does not bring your problems and your helplessness to mind. Reading let’s you cover up your scars, and your fears. It let’s you forget the troubles you have. It let’s you escape.

Praying reminds you of your helplessness, your powerlessness, your lack of control and your ignorance. It points out how little control you have over everything. It reminds you how human you are… how much dependent your are on God.

Reading takes away that sense of dependence. It makes you feel a false sense of being powerful and in control because you can read anytime you please. You can even skip to the back portion and know the story before hand.

But reading just makes you feel more confused, more unhappy. It binds you in its endless, utter hopeless spiral of reading and reading more to numb you from everything else.

Praying is freeing. After a long, open-hearted and honest moment of prayer, you would feel refreshed, comforted, assured. You can leave all your worries in His hands because You have been assured that He cares, He loves, and He is involved in your life and that He wants what is best for you.

Reading leaves you hopeless, more desperate and bound by the need to read more books. But prayer let’s you live. Truly live.

I know I don’t treat reading in it’s proper context and I don’t resort to prayer when I am so upset and troubled that I can barely think. I can pray when everything is okay but when sorrow, fear, pain and disappointment drowns my heart, I resort to reading.

Reading has brought me a lot of trouble. Sometimes, I wish I don’t know that much or that I can erase certain stuff, images and scenes I have stored in my head. But I can’t.

I should remember however that the love of reading is God’s gift too. But if I abuse it, it would be the devil’s tool.

Lord, teach me to use reading in good, helpful and Godly ways. Remind me that in every book I read, You are always looking over my shoulders. Lead me to good books that would nourish my soul and my heart and not just titillate my senses.

A quote from Macrina Wiederkehr, OSB comes to mind:

God is the sustaining presence that is our inheritance, our greatest good, our refuge in times of trouble. When we court other gods, the troubles in our lives tend to increase.

In No Man’s Land: An SFC ICON I am going to Miss

 

The CFC-Singles for Christ is set to have it’s International Conference (ICON) for 2014 at Cagayan de Oro. All I know about the SFC ICON is that all SFC’s in the Philippines would gather at one place to worship God. There would be talks/workshops, consultations with religious sisters, confessions and other stuff I have not heard about.

I was hoping to attend. I was looking forward to it. But, my mother thinks of Mindanao as a no man’s land. She has allowed me to attend seminars to Baguio, Tagaytay, Manila, Cebu, Bacolod but she will never allow me to go to Mindanao. Not even for work reasons and especially not for ICON.

She has something against the place. We have relatives in Mindanao. My grandfather once worked there. My Uncle spent a year or two with our relatives there. If providence allowed it, Nanay’s family would have settled in Mindanao. Lolo just got homesick so he returned home instead.

Now, I would have wanted to have my first ICON in this no man’s land. But Nanay was adamant.

Here are the workshops posted by one SFC leader in the SFC Global Iloilo page.  The workshops just make me drool.

 

I would have wanted to register in the following workshops:

1. Dip into the Deep – 8:00 AM – 12:00 PM; and

2. Personality Plus – 1:00 PM – 4:00 PM or

* Amidst the Storm – 1:00 PM – 4:00 PM or

* Road to the Future – 1:00 PM – 4:00 PM

---

I feel a little lonely over this.I know a lot of people are wondering why I am so dependent on my mother. Let me tell you the truth: I am not dependent on my mother. Nanay knows how strong-willed I am. She knows how head strong I am. I think we both know that if I leave, there really would be no looking back for me. And that will break my mother’s heart, because I know Nanay is the one who depends on me. She trusts me, she believes that I got her back, that I will be there for her. (But a time will come when she will know that even if I am not with her, there is One who has her everything, but the time is not yet now.)

I don’t want to break her heart. I only have one Nanay and despite what people know, my mother has done her best for us. I understand the shortcomings and I am not in a position to judge her actions. I am solely responsible for my decision and choice to listen to my mother’s counsel. Jesus waited until He was thirty. I could wait too.

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Photo Credits: CFC facebook page; SFC facebook page

The Best Lesson I Learned in Graduate School

 

I go to Graduate School at West Visayas State University. I took up Master of Arts in Education (Language Teaching in English) last 2009 at the WVSU College of Education Graduate School.

I was a Secondary School English teacher then in a national high school in our place. I was feeling as if my brain was literally decaying so I felt the need to go to Graduate School.

Unfortunately, when I transferred in the Alternative Learning System (ALS), everything changed. I had classes on Saturdays and Sundays. My new job description does not connect with my courses in Grad School. I quit two years ago and never looked back until my mother pointed out that I was messing up with my records.I really was. I have several INC. because of unfinished courses. And I had to retake not less than three courses this year.

It’s my last Academic Year and I have a full load this semester, including one tutorial course. My work is still not connected with my courses.I did not like going back to Graduate School.  Every Saturday, I just force myself to attend my 7:30 – 1:30 classes and my tutorial sessions after that…. Until last Saturday that is.

Last Saturday, our recently widowed Phonology teacher put her foot down. I know I was taking her course for granted (although last semester, I learned a lot from her because she asked a lot from us). I can’t help it. Some things take priority over work I don’t much care about. And I can feel she sensed that. She has been feeling me up for a few weeks, really noticing my absences and tardiness from her 7:30 Am class.

I came in about two hours late for her class, unprepared for the Midterm exams and literally exhausted even as I conversed with God who, I know, was not listening to my excuses. (Well, when you keep blaming Him for being late, what will you get?)

My teacher refused to give me the exam. Instead, she asked me to return next week to get the exam and write a letter explaining why I was late.

I know, at our age, as mature adults who are already working, she should not be asking that. But, I am glad Dr. Dela Llana put her foot down last Saturday. I felt embarrassed over what happened, but as a fellow teacher, I understand her predicament. What right have I to ask just as much from my own learners when I cannot give the same kind of respect to my own teachers?

I know she wanted what was best for me. I know by doing so, she is also risking a lot – she maybe labeled as very strict, as inconsiderate. But what she did was actually kind. I don’t blame her. She gave my a much needed wake up call.

She can forgive me yes, but I have to suffer the consequences of certain actions.

You cannot succeed by making excuses for yourself. You maybe forgiven for your sins, mistakes and errors but you will always have to face the consequences of your actions, especially if a lot of other people are involved. 

Inspired

 

 

Joselito, one of my Elementary Level learners, wrote this essay last year. I was touched by what he has written. He works in his uncle’s junk shop and lives with his grand mother. At his age, he still helped his mother.

These are the things that break my heart a little every time I look deeper into my learners lives. So young, so helpless. Parents should be protecting them from life’s painful realities so that they can grow up functional and happy.

These learners who weathered the storms of life grew up scarred, but strong. I just pray that we, teachers, would be able to help them see the brighter side of life. That we can become the light that would help show the way out of whatever tunnels they are in.

One Step at a Time

 

My first year as an ALS Mobile Teacher was one year filled with so much turmoil. It was explosive because I felt like I was a baby that was thrust into the outside world for the first time.

I was emotionally volatile and vulnerable in 2010. I was feeling strongly rejected because I was not hired by my Alma Mater when my lifetime’s true dream was to become an English teacher at Passi National High School where I will teach literature, creative writing, journalism, debate and impromptu speech  (at my spare time) and open the minds of my learners to all possibilities available to them – just like what my favorite English teacher and mentor has done for me.

But it was not meant to be. God has other plans for me.

I remember lying on the floor, crying, my heart so broken , when I made the decision to leave PNHS. It was not an easy decision. It was me turning away and closing the door completely from my dream of becoming a weird English teacher-spinster.

I was already teaching as an Instructional Manager with ALS every Saturdays and Sundays back then and I knew what I was getting into when I accepted the job. It was necessity that made me do it. I needed a permanent job that pays well. This is one job that would do it. My heart was not completely involved but my head was and I was aware that I was making a commitment to being a Mobile Teacher.

Last January 4 marked my fourth year in ALS and I feel utterly blessed that I followed and obeyed and worked where I was called. Being a Mobile Teacher is no longer just the job I saw it to be. It has become a mission for me.

It was in ALS that I have grown not only as a professional but as a person. I was forced out of my self-focused shell. I was asked to get out and get involved with my learners, with the community, even with the people who run the community so that they would support the program.

In ALS, we are a family. With our supervisor (whose words I will never forget when I first went on a seminar to Baguio City with him – he told me to think of him as a father), my fellow Mobile Teachers who have become like siblings for me, my District ALS Coordinator who is much like a mother-figure.

With ALS, I was also forced to rely heavily on God. ALS placed me in a position where I realized that myself alone is not enough. It has shown me the empty pockets of my soul that requires one currency – the presence of God in my life and in my reality. We could say God forced me to come to Him because of ALS. The sense of security I was feeling at home and at work as a classroom teacher made me so self-sufficient and proud that I was able to ignore the emptiness and restlessness I was feeling.

Looking back, I have grown astounded at the progress my head and my heart has gone through. Because of ALS, I have become stronger and better as a person and I continue to grow everyday.

On our first Educational Tour in 2010, the report I prepared and the video I made was inspired by the then famous pop song, One Step at a Time. With ALS, everything comes in one step at a time. Just like the growth of the soul, you can’t force it. You just have to live it.

Thank you Lord, for giving me a career that has helped me to grow as a person. Thank you for making me work in a place where I was forced to make connections so that my heart could expand and my soul extend (I just wish it would shrink my girth too).Indeed, You know what is best for me. Amen.