God’s Presence in Every Journey

 

Life is a journey. And we don’t have to travel alone.

That is my realization during our sisters’ household prayer meeting this afternoon. Seven of us made it to the prayer meeting and each one shared their personal reflections about today’s Gospel from John 19: 31-37.

As household head, I read all the readings in advance. I did not want a repeat performance of our previous household meeting where I stumbled over the Gospel reading because I was not able to reflect on it. It was during that HH meeting that I learned it is part of my responsibility as household head to lead by example. I know we’re supposed to read the Daily Readings and reflect on them but sometimes, I fail to do this prayerfully (yeah, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak).

Today is the Feast of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. The readings focused on God’s love made manifest in Jesus’ humanity and Passion all lovingly and willingly offered for mankind – for me.

I felt moved by the Scripture readings today. My sisters in the community also affirmed that they felt the same way.

We shared our experiences and personal struggles and how we relied on His love, how we, sometimes, forget to bask in that love in our effort to control our lives, in the fears and pressures we feel everyday.

Today, we felt that we were urged to:

1. Believe that God loves us

The first reading today is a blatant reminder and testament of the kind of love God feels towards His people. It maybe addressed to the Israelites but I can easily picture myself in their stead.

“I loved Israel when he was a child; out of Egypt I called my son. But the more I have called, the further they have gone from me – sacrificing to the Baals, burning incense to idols… How can I give you up, Ephraim? Can I abandon you like Admah or make you like Ziboiim? My heart is troubled within me and I am moved with compassion. I will not give vent to my greater anger; I will not return to destroy Ephraim for I am God and not human. I am the Holy One in your midst and I do not want to come to you in anger.” – Hos 11: 1-2, 8-9

Despite whatever sinfulness and unworthiness and inadequacies we may feel, we should not hide from Him because He welcomes us with open arms. In fact, whenever we are troubled, we should run towards Him instead.

2. Keep our focus upon Christ on the Cross

It’s so easy to forget that God loves us especially when we are in a difficult or impossible situation.

     …..When our friends betray us

     …..when the pressure of people’s expectations overwhelm us

     …..when difficulties and struggles continually pile up to undermine our resolve to continue following Him

     …..when jealousies, lack of forgiveness, anger, and doubt asail our faith

These situations can sometimes get the best of us. However, we must not forget to look at our circumstances in the light of His love.

Jesus went through all these. All of His friends disappeared when He needed them the most. People, especially His followers expected a lot from Him which He knew He was not meant to do.

Before we went through our own personal pains, Jesus went through so much more for us. He did not have to do that, but He did, for us… His love held Him on the cross to restore us in relationship with the Father.

He did all that. So, when things become impossible, look at the cross and gaze upon Jesus. Let your gaze be a prayer too.

Each one of us has a struggle. Every one of us in the community is going through our own personal journeys. But, we don’t have to walk our journeys alone. We can travel with each other, continue to encourage each other, bless each other and pray for each other. We can walk as a community… and we can walk individually and personally with Jesus.

Our hope is in this: that in this journey, we will keep growing spiritually, richly affirmed by each others personal journeys as shared during prayer meetings like this one.

Faith: The Beginning

 

Now we have faith, hope and love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.c- 1 Corinthians 13:13

A serious seeker may have gone through a similar path,I will never really know.But, I did. I went from faith, to hope and then now, I’m getting to know love as a verb and a noun at the same time.

I remember my prayer when I first joined the CFC-Singles for Christ. I asked for faith.

My faith, back then, was primeval. It was the faith of a child who thought she must do good works so that she will be loved.

I thought God’s love is a conditional kind of love.

My faith was very weak. God knows how weak it was and how I constantly question everything around me.

I was very distrustful and controlling and I expected God to hurt me and fail me all the time. I had a lot of questions too and I never really accepted the easy answers to them. I had to know and I had to be sure, that was my mantra.

During the Christian Life Program (CLP), I asked our Discussion Group Leader (DGL) about how I can have more faith in God. My faith was minuscule. It was probably microscopic at best. She gave me one pat answer: Pray for it.

It was probably not the right thing to say to a doubting Thomas. Because praying needs faith. And I could not pray very well especially when I am not sure the one I was praying to was paying any attention to me. He doesn’t seem to be listening to me back then.

I did pray for it though. No matter how intelligent you are, no matter how you rationalize things, God will always defeat you. I could not win this battle without surrendering to the greater wisdom of God. I can’t find answers to my questions in books, to the people I talked to (and yes, I talked to many helpful Christians from many denominations and still, their answers did not make any sense).

Nothing was wrong with all their answers. I was in the wrong. I was looking at everything not with the eyes of faith, thus, I cannot comprehend them at all. I was trying to understand the beautiful mystery of the Lord with the world’s knowledge.

So, I prayed for faith. And I received what I prayed for. The faith that He gave me continues to grow stronger everyday. There are times when I weaken, when I forget, and then, I would try to control my surroundings or escape with a quick fix.

But, the microscopic seed is growing, especially if its is continuously nourished and fed with His word, with communal worship, with the Sacraments.

Faith was only the beginning. And just like modern teachers, God taught me faith in spiral progression, along with hope and love.

Stricken

 

I am a visual-symbolic learner. Words fascinate, titillate, and excite me. Song lyrics, poems, short stories, novels… I gobble them up waiting for the right lines to strike me. There’s just something about words that stirs my soul. Whipped right and proper, words make me cry, fall in love, laugh and just makes me feel mushy inside.(So, how can I help but fall in love with THE Word?).

Sometimes, certain phrases and ideas strike me and I just want to share them. Here are some of those ideas that left me breathless. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last one made me teary eyed. Because it’s a bit true with me. Several friends (friends with whom I thought I have opened up to) said I have very high walls around me that seems to block people from approaching… I really don’t know about walls. I really don’t want to block people or prevent people from coming close. I like being with friends who understand me, honestly. If I come across as aloof, it’s not intentional at all. I just don’t want to offend people especially when I say or do the wrong thing.

And this one tops the deal.

The Seeker 2.0

 

This is me, coming clean…

In the midst of the chaos of my mind, the flurry of activity around me, the anxiety of my soul, the longings and insecurities and fears of my heart… I was able to hear Him say to me: “Pause for a while… take it slow. Let’s take it slow.”

I was so anxious to rush into things. I was so defensive and all my walls were up. Jealousy, insecurities, fear and the need to take control of things filled me day in and day out. I snatched back the heart I surrendered in His care because things were getting out of hand.

I fell in love. I missed out on a promotion. I got a lot crazy. I came to realize the mistakes of my youth and the regrets were eating out at me. I succumbed to my weaknesses and let my dementia get the better of me. All in all, I was trying to take control of my life so that I could take care of the pain… or in the very least, numb my heart as I did before.

It did not work. It was the heavy streak of jealousy and insecurity that did me in. I am such a good actor that no one could really see what is happening in my heart and its something I can never really share because I do not want to destroy friendships and good relationships when my secret feelings come to light. I want the object of my affection to be happy in his choices. And if it so happens that he likes someone close to my heart, its okay. She’s a good choice for him. She will take good care of him. He is a good choice for her. A steady person who is dependable, one you can trust and rely on… such a pillar of strength has been missing in our lives so far.

I am probably leaving clues around here (and I am keeping my fingers crossed that those significant people won’t be reading this) but yeah, it was love that did me in. And when love is outside the context of its Godly perspective, when we try to love without God in it (probably because we want to preserve a portion of our hearts and our minds and reserve something for ourselves…) we become selfish, our vision narrows, we become jealous…

The other day, I decided to come clean to myself and to God. Yes, I am jealous and denying the jealousy is warping up my thinking. My actions were already unkind and yeah, spiteful. So, I decided to give my heart back to God (and I do not want it back).

In His hands, my heart will be safe. In His care, my heart will be okay. I am no longer sure if I want to pursue becoming a religious sister. Let me be honest here. Wanting to become a religious sister has been my defense mechanism for a long, long time. It kept my heart safe (the image of a princess in an impregnable tower without a charging prince or knight in shining armor). I don’t really feel called. There was and is no sense of being called to be one inside me. I just wanted to feel so special that I made myself believe God chose me for this special vocation. (Being rejected and bypassed and being unnoticed a lot of times for not measuring up or because of your physical appearance, incapacities takes a toll on a vain, female heart. It’s so easy to disregard the need to feel loved and appreciated when you tell them you have reserved your all to the Lord).

I will also be honest in here. I am like all the other girls in the world. I also want to get married someday. I guess for a long time, I resigned myself with the possibility of not being able to get married because of my weight. No guy could ever like a girl like me, I decided. I still won’t believe romantic love can happen to someone like me. And so, I have learned to hide my heart so that it won’t ever feel a man’s rejection.So that it won’t ever be hurt… but,despite all the hiding, love still caught me unawares. And my heart is hurting… since I can’t stand the hurt, I decided to give my heart to God… so He will keep it safe for me.

Maybe, someday, I would also know love in that other sense…Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know what God has in store for me. All I know is, from now on, I am focusing on Him. Getting to know His love. Getting to know Him. If He decides to give my heart to someone, I am sure its because He trusts that this someone will help Him care for my broken, fragile heart.

Maybe, someday….

But for now, Jesus and I will take it slow… as I explore the greatest love story and romance of my life.

A Love like His

 

Is this a sign?

 

I once heard from someone somewhere (I think that was from an aspirant during a discernment talk) that priests and religious sisters are required to fall in love first. A romantic relationship is a requirement. Well, that’s a requirement where I fall short. You see, I have never had a boyfriend and I never once imagined myself in love (I do not know what love is!)

I wanted to become a religious sister mainly because I do not want my life to go to waste. I’d rather be a religious sister than a bitter, old spinster. I was not exactly dead set on it. It was an option I refused to give up simply because I really have not fallen in love.

Let me tell you what I think about romantic love. As a romance novel junkie (I read romance novels a lot!), I thought I was a romantic at heart. I did not realize that I never really believed in love. Experience, observation, readings, telenovela surfing (I do not watch teleserye and telenovela a lot) taught me that love is temporary. It also taught me that love is reciprocal (the formula should always be man+woman=love). However, love fades and when one of the partners find someone new, it would be so easy to replace the former.

So, I decided to just read about love in pocketbooks. They are safer there. Let me tell you how awfully affected I am whenever a love ends (like the hero cheats on the girl, the girl does not really get the guy in the end etc). I always cry and sometimes, when cheating is involved, my dreams will be haunted by the broken relationships I just witnessed.My pet peeved has always been cheating. I am always high strung whenever my family watch teleserye’s that carry that particular arc.

So for me, love fades. Love ends. Love is temporary. Love is not forever. Love is selfish. Love never lasts.

I was not into lovesongs, except those on unrequited love. I prefer country songs, rock music,and other music that never dwells on love. It upsets me.

Until I fell in love.

Years ago, I would not have called it love. I would have relegated it under the “crush” category. Mostly, my crushes were unattainable people. People I never really talk to. I guess it’s pretty much safer that way.

It’s fascinating how God used this very human emotion to show me His love. I needed an example, I guess. I needed to know what His love felt like. I wanted to understand. How can He love someone like me? Why does He bother? What does He feel?

My dearest friend doesn’t find my crush handsome. In fact, when I told her that I think (let’s call him Jordan shall we) Jordan is in love with another, my friend told me to “get over him, he’s ugly anyway.” He is not my usual type. I was not expecting to fall for him since I thought of him as a kid brother, no more and no less although I already admired a lot of his qualities.

The feeling sneak up on me until one day, I just looked up and found myself looking for his familiar, comforting presence amidst a crowd of hostility.

Back then, I was discerning. Should I become a Carmelite or shouldn’t I? How am I supposed to break the news to my mother? How about my debts? I was not pretty sure how to proceed.

I am still discerning but unlike before, I no longer have my mind closed against marriage. It’s true, marriage isn’t just an institution, sometimes, it’s a person. I never once considered getting married and having a family until I fell in love with him. I never once imagined myself hitched before. So, my Carmelite plans are on hold until I join the weekend retreat I needed to join before I turn 30.

I heard he is in love too. It’s okay with me. It only made me understand how Jesus feels every time I turn away from Him to seek comfort elsewhere.

You see, I am a troublesome little fellow, trying to find my identity and love in food, books, career and my family that I forgot the single source of my being. When I felt the bittersweet idea that the person I love is in love with another, I came to understand how God must have felt every time I turn away from Him.

And because of this, I now make a conscious effort to turn to Him all the time. My love hurts me or disappoints me, I run to Jesus and hug Him. Jesus loves me enough and He will never ever deem me unworthy of Him. He has made me worthy. He has cleansed me. He has died for me. That’s the kind of love Jesus has. Eternal. Everlasting. Selfless. Self-sacrificing. Our priests called it a “martyr’s” kind of love.

Hearing this message and experiencing this message are two different things. What I feel for Jordan is only a little bit of the love Jesus feels for me. I can only wish the utmost happiness for Jordan and whoever it is that he loves. And I can only wait for whatever it is that my Eternal Lover has planned, designed and willed for me even if it means another person to love.

Live Fully, Love Fully, Live Love Fully

 

I have not posted for quite a while now. I have been going through some experience I did not feel comfortable sharing. I don’t feel ready to share them but I feel compelled to at least, lay them out and see for myself what they mean.

I was quite aghast when I heard one of my mother’s biggest argument against SFC. “Nagaparis-paris kamu” (You’re pairing up with each other). I vehemently denied this one because I was completely unaware of what Nanay meant. Although I often hear a lot about finding GG’s (or God’s Gift, your supposed partner in life) during Talks, I did not pay them any mind at all. I was probably unready for it. I was busy searching my heart, knowing myself and the God who loves me to even think about such stuff. Plus, I am really very much aware how difficult it would be for my future suitor to court me… he will have to battle my mother (she’s determined that I will be her partner for life), my entire family (they are very sure that I will never marry and I am wondering why they think so) and me too (since I am an insecure coward, an obedient daughter and a doting older sister).

That was, until the SFC Intimacy Weekend which I felt I was not ready to attend. Although I was determined to go, I lacked the enthusiasm I usually felt about going on SFC Teachings as I often did before. I felt reluctant because of the distance. We had our Intimacy Weekend at Concepcion. It takes four hours of bus ride before reaching the town. I decided to miss my MAEd class, ditch my sister from a shopping trip she so wanted and ate so much because I was confused whether I wanted to go or not. What was in it for me? In the CFC-Singles for Christ track I read somewhere online two years ago, I remember reading that the Intimacy Weekend was for engaged couples. It’s not for lost, lonely spinsters like me (yeah, my boss just called me an old maid last week and I probably am at that).

In our chapter, I was the only uncoupled participant. I was with Sis Jejan and her then fiancee (now husband) Bro Romer and Sis Remz and her husband Bro Randy. I told myself my partner was Jesus and all the way to Concepcion, while travelling alone at such a distance (aside from my Baguio Bus ride, I have never travelled alone that far), I felt God was with me… I just love travelling alone, I guess especially knowing I was going to a place where I will be meeting people I have something in common with – Jesus.

The talks were heavy, a little embarrassing and quite sensitive. I realized the purpose behind SFC itself. Couples for Christ conceptualized its family ministries to protect the family and they have to start early. They have to start with individuals, single men and women who will eventually become CFCs in the future. Future husbands and wives in Christ, fully grown and mature in their faith and ready to live up to the vocation of marriage.

It was here I realized how beautiful marriage is. Confronted with loving Christian couples (especially the ones I was with), I felt drawn, more accepting, and a whole lot more understanding about people who chose the vocation of marriage. This is love. My twisted concept of marriage being a noose and a bother was shattered. Scoffing over the very human need to have someone with whom you can bare yourself completely, someone who can carry the struggle when you can’t be strong anymore, someone who can be there for you and tell you how wonderful, beautiful and amazing you are, someone who equally needs you, your understanding, love and affection, your comfort and your very presence… that was just amazing in itself.

Back then, I told myself I welcome all vocations. Whether God has willed me for single blessedness and the religious life or married life – I am okay with it. But, I was really partial to single blessedness and desiring the religious life (I felt I need it more than God needed me to be a religious sister or a cloistered nun). The reason why I cannot seem to move forward with my discernment is that I haven’t explored married life at all. My own experience shattered the concept of romance. I did not trust human love at all. I do not know how to trust another person in such a manner that I would completely entrust my heart that way. I know I can trust God, trust His plans and His purpose (but despite that, He will still hurt me or disappoint me because it is necessary for His purpose) but not another person.

The Intimacy Weekend was one teaching I was not ready for. However, it accomplished one thing. It made me open my heart to that other vocation I sincerely refused to consider because I preferred the “alone with God” options. It challenged my concept of my own vocation and it led me to the beautiful conclusion that all vocations are meant to glorify God.

A Vigil

 

Right now, I am on a vigil… waiting for someone to die. I probably lost hope when I saw his situation.

This is always the hardest part. The waiting… and probably the hoping. The hoping that things would change and he’d get better and the endless waiting. I hate that he has to suffer. And I had to suffer with him too.

I can’t stand it. The fact that I can’t do anything, that time is flying, that even after crying buckets of tears, I still have a lot left.

I had to write this because I can’t stand it. I had to bleed the emotions out. If words had color, these would come out in red.

The hurting does not end the hoping and the hoping does not stop the hurting. I don’t know if he’s lucid anymore. I just know he is in pain.

Panda was born on June 2014. His mother waited until I arrived from Cebu before she had her litter – two pretty kittens with her colors. Panda had black and white fur and Orange had yellow-orangey and white fur.

Our cat of three years, Puti (because she’s pure white and had speckles of orange and black), died on a road accident about a month ago. She was hit by a car when she investigated a pack of mewling kittens thrown over by someone on the waiting shed.

We took in the kittens and a month later, they died and infected Panda with whatever disease they brought.

Now, Panda is dying and I can’t bring myself to go to work in this state. I am on a vigil, a painful one for me. I know some people would laugh but I considered our pets relatives already. They share in all aspects of our life, they are part and parcel of our routines and they are helpless creatures who litters our home with little pockets of joy.

So, it is hurting me to see him dying like this, painfully. And I can only cry.