A Vigil

 

Right now, I am on a vigil… waiting for someone to die. I probably lost hope when I saw his situation.

This is always the hardest part. The waiting… and probably the hoping. The hoping that things would change and he’d get better and the endless waiting. I hate that he has to suffer. And I had to suffer with him too.

I can’t stand it. The fact that I can’t do anything, that time is flying, that even after crying buckets of tears, I still have a lot left.

I had to write this because I can’t stand it. I had to bleed the emotions out. If words had color, these would come out in red.

The hurting does not end the hoping and the hoping does not stop the hurting. I don’t know if he’s lucid anymore. I just know he is in pain.

Panda was born on June 2014. His mother waited until I arrived from Cebu before she had her litter – two pretty kittens with her colors. Panda had black and white fur and Orange had yellow-orangey and white fur.

Our cat of three years, Puti (because she’s pure white and had speckles of orange and black), died on a road accident about a month ago. She was hit by a car when she investigated a pack of mewling kittens thrown over by someone on the waiting shed.

We took in the kittens and a month later, they died and infected Panda with whatever disease they brought.

Now, Panda is dying and I can’t bring myself to go to work in this state. I am on a vigil, a painful one for me. I know some people would laugh but I considered our pets relatives already. They share in all aspects of our life, they are part and parcel of our routines and they are helpless creatures who litters our home with little pockets of joy.

So, it is hurting me to see him dying like this, painfully. And I can only cry.

The Greatest Love Story of my Life (The SFC Knights’ Tale and Princess’ Diaries Weekend Retreat)

 

 

 

This weekend retreat of the CFC-Singles for Christ was originally meant for the Iloilo Lower North Sector (Passi, Duenas, Barotac Viejo/Nuevo, Banate) alone. However, since it was scheduled for November last year and Typhoon Yolanda hit the Visayas area exactly that day, it was, of course, cancelled/postponed.

I was excited about this retreat because it has been a much touted retreat in the conferences I attended. What I was not looking forward to was wearing a dress.The dress code was my biggest problem. I did not see the whole point back then. You can listen to talks by wearing everyday clothes anyway.

Last August 24, 2014, we had the Iloilo North Sector KTPD Weekend Retreat at Passi National High School, Passi City, Iloilo. Participants were from the Lower North and Upper North Sector (Ajuy, Sara, Balasan, Estancia).

The sisters attended the Princess’ Diaries retreat while the brothers attended the Kinghts’ Tale retreat. I could not grasp the concept as to why we had separate retreats at first but the first talk cleared all the cobwebs in my brain. Indeed, it would be uncomfortable to talk about the stuff our speaker mentioned when there are brothers (men) around. Just listening to her made me feel uncomfortable. I did not realize I was prudish that way.

I don’t think I can ever relay the whole five talks in this small space. Suffice it to say, it was an encounter that completed the missing pieces of the puzzle I call myself.

The other weekend retreats I attended answered several questions I needed to answer. This retreat, however, provided a necessary element that was missing – what it means to be a woman in God’s eyes… what it truly means to be the daughter of the King, to be His princess.

Growing up with two generations of a female dominated household can give you twisted ideas of womanhood. I never really knew what being a woman meant. In fact, I got the message that being a woman is not good so I have come to cultivate and develop the more masculine aspects of myself.

I became cool, cold, aloof, uncaring and gruff. I became career oriented. When Tatay left, I took over his role.I helped provide for the family and discipline my brothers in ways my mother can’t discipline them because she had a really soft heart for her sons. I can be cruel in order to be kind and I believed that.

But, I am a woman. This retreat made me see that. I am a woman, designed by God to be a woman, with a woman’s needs and desires. These desires are alright, and they are not wrong. They are not vanity or covetousness, but are normal and expected of being a woman. There’s nothing wrong with my tendencies. There’s nothing wrong with feelings of discontent since my life is not fulfilling God’s designs, after all. I saw that during this retreat.

I was becoming what Talk 3 warned us about. I was already exhibiting what becomes of a woman when she believes the lies she is told – about not being beautiful at all, about not being enough, about being undeserving, unwanted, unloved. I was becoming a little of the Dominating woman- the woman pretending to be strong. I was becoming the woman who tries to pretend she can do it all, who tries to deny or hide her heart’s desire. The woman who is always self-assured, and who focuses on material success. I was also becoming the Desolate woman – the woman who is overgenerous, who clings to people (I don’t cling though, I automatically teach myself not to care enough), and sometimes, who think that they are nothing, are nobody. I was already suffering from depression.

Despite the really positive, self defining Discovery Weekend two years ago, I was wondering why I cannot reconcile myself. I now know why – I was seeing everything with masculine eyes, the one I developed in order to protect my heart and cope with the lies I completely accepted and believed in.

Talk 4 helped me see all that. The speaker, Sis Lhyn from the Upper North, talked about how deep inside our hearts, we have questions about our beauty. I was really defensive then, thinking that I never had those question… and this is what I wrote even while she was speaking.

- There is no question whether I am lovely or beautiful because I don’t believe I am, and I don’t bother to make the effort since it will not change anything, anyway.

But deep inside, I realized I have buried all these questions. I had a standing joke with my mother three or four years ago (I was 25 that time). I always asked her Nay, gwapa ako? (Mother, am I beautiful?) She will always tell me, Huo, a. (Yes) . Despite her answers, I really never believed my mother.

I keep hearing the jeers, the laughter (tambok ibok-ibok gadalagan, naga umpok, and please do not ask me to translate this, its rude Hiligaynon after all.). I believed I was bullied a lot in elementary and high school and in order to cope, I turned to books and food. I became cold, aloof, uncaring, sometimes shy, but really, just jaded and tired of trying to make others like me. I accepted all that and coped as best as I could but obviously, it was the wrong way to cope.

I never asked those questions again from anyone. I became too afraid to ask. Besides, boys have made their answers clear without saying a word. No one courted me, fat (obese really) girl that I am and I kept saying, I am thankful since it means I have no problem. But, in reality, it felt like rejection.

So, Talk 4 helped start the healing process. I know you can’t do away with a lifetime of taunts in just one night but it helped me see something I failed to see. Our speaker told us to pray and forgive ourselves, forgive others -the women in our lives who failed to show us what true womanhood means, the men in our lives who failed to protect our fragile hearts, and those who failed to see how innately sensitive we are and treat us accordingly. She also urged us to forgive God, because somewhere, somehow, or at some point in our lives, we have blamed God. (And she is right!)

Then, she urged us to dance with God and ask Him all our questions.

1. Do you see something in me that makes you want to pursue me?

2. Do you find me worth fighting for?

3. Is my mystery worth revealing to you?

4. Does my presence add meaning to our relationship?

5. Am I making a difference to you?

6. Do I offer something that will make you pursue a relationship with me?

7. Do you appreciate/value the beauty I held?

Sis Lhyn told us that only One should answer these questions – only God should. And all His answers are a definite YES to all our questions… and while dancing with Him that afternoon, I knew it as the truth.

God, indeed, has designed me, not only to be beautiful, but captivating, worthy to be pursue or romanced, and worthy to be loved, by the King Himself.

Others may not think so, but that is only because they do not believe this of themselves. Once you do, you’ll see everyone as worthy of being the same – God’s creation, sons and daughters of the Lord… His Princesses and Knights.

And that day, I rediscovered the greatest romance of my life.

 

 

 

Routines, Responsibilities and Selfish Servitude

 

While you live searching for meaning, there is this one guy (representative of the many probably) in the world whose wasting his time and millions in selfish, self-serving pursuits, offending people with his very lifestyle and not caring a whit.

I used to find Dan Bilzerian fascinating. His very lifestyle appealed to the rebellious, dark streak I had - the side that read erotic romance novels. He was the epitome of the heroes I met (except for the I-don’t-care-attitude) in those paranormal romance novels (I kept imagining him in place of Dragos, the dragon tycoon, yes, dragon, from Thea Harrison’s novel, Dragon Bound).

I know Dragos and his ilk do not exist in real life. But since my imagination is poor, while reading Dragon Bound, I kept putting Dan Bilzerian in his place… and the heroine? I had the image of someone like that girl from Tekken  ( I know I need to brush up on my imagination and pay attention to details when reading and no, I am not one of those girl who imagine myself in place of the heroines, I don’t have the guts. The heroes and heroines just become my friends and well, I haven’t read much novels with fat heroines in them, so I really, really can’t imagine away).

I keep thinking how lucky he is to have that much money to waste away while I turn over all my earnings to send my younger siblings to school. I even have to scrape the meager amount of money I have left to photocopy learning materials for my learners and yeah, still have some left for my favorite street food, at the end of the day. Every lunchtime I go home to feed our pets and spend time with our cat and her kittens, I keep thinking that if I had his money, I would build a home conducive to pets where I can let them loose and they can play their hearts away and I would not have to worry that they might slip outside and get run over by vehicles.

I find myself wondering why he is doing what he is doing. And then I would ask why am I doing what I am doing? What do I do? I wake up late (because I read late into the night trying to escape my problems and reality), rush to our Community Learning Center and conduct learning sessions with my out-of-school youth learners, and buy squid balls and japanese siomai after class to make myself feel better. Then, I would go home and feed the cats and dogs. Go back to work on session plans, learning materials, and sometimes, work on reports requested by our supervisor and paper stuff requested by the City or hold tutorial sessions. Then, before my family comes home from work or school (I still live with my family), I have to clean up the house, wash the dishes and make sure everything's okay. Then I would go up to my room to sleep or read or just putter around, trying to run away from the frustration that this is not the life I want to live. By Saturday, I would waste an entire day reading away, escaping. On Sunday, I would force myself to go to Mass and attend the Singles for Christ’s prayer meetings and activities. Then, we would repeat everything else on Monday. I do things out of routine and responsibility.

And then, I find myself online staring at amazing, titillating photos that Dan Bilzerian would post on his twitter account and think, wow, what a waste. Waste of resources, waste of time (time especially), waste of human life, created in God’s image and doing things it is not supposed to do… and he does not care at all!

Am I bitter? Am I jealous? Did his lifestyle made mine pale in comparison? Here’s a man doing what he wants for himself and here I am doing what others want me to do. What is the difference? Both lives are still a waste. I do things selflessly, it may appear, but deep inside, I feel bitter, joyless. I just keep doing it for appearances sake, for responsibility’s sake, which is not how life was meant to be.I try to escape the pain of living for others by reading and eating too much. Sometimes, I also sleep too much because I know, deep inside, I am wasting my life.

There’s nothing wrong with doing things for other people but doing so because you feel guilty, or because you can’t say no for fear of offending them and then feel bad about everything you had to do is the wrong thing. Trying to escape that situation by reading, eating and sleeping my life away is also the wrong things.

Passion is the answer. A passion for life, for God, for His people. A love for them moving inside your soul, extending from within you, making your limbs move to serve, out of love, out of joy, out of concern, not out of routine and responsibility.This one is healthy.

What should I live for? I have no final answer or answers for this question but in the meantime, I have these:

1. I live for my family 

I live for my brothers and sisters and my parents…to provide them with a better way of life than what they could have without me.

2. I live for my learners 

I live to encourage and inspire them to be the best self that they can become even at those points when no one would want to believe in them

3. I live for my Father in Heaven

God loves me so much that He made me. It was His love that enabled me to be alive and it is this love that I hold on for living. I may stumble and fall, I may sometimes get lost in this journey, but I live with the clear awareness and knowledge that I am journeying towards something and that is Him.

4. I live for His people

God loves His people. He created man out of the enormity of that love. In our Christian Life Program, I learned that the ten commandments are summarized into two: (1) Love God with all your heart, soul and strength and (2) Love your neighbor as you love yourself. It is important for us to love ourselves too because that is the measurement of the kind of love we can give another person, our neighbor, the person in need that we encounter in our lives.

Back to Dan Bilzerian. Who am I to judge his life or lifestyle? Who are we indeed? I believe that eventually, all of us will answer to Someone, and that Someone has already told us what He wanted from us right from the start. It’s up to us to use what He has given us. But we would eventually answer to Him, in the end.

But to the judgmental side of ourselves who wants to decide on the time and place of reckoning ourselves, here’s a timely reminder:

 

Yep. And I thank the Lord for that timely reminder too.

I am Mary Magdalene

I don’t know if I will ever publish this blog post. If I did, then, you would be reading it.
Mary Magdalene is the notorious prostitute who was almost stoned because she was caught in an adulterous act. She was saved from death because of Jesus. After that, Magdalene did not go her merry way to sin again. Instead, she followed the Christ and became one of His disciples.
Today, July 22, is her feast day.
I can identify with Mary Magdalene. The 1st reading and the psalm today speaks of a longing for the Lord. A longing I have been familiar with for the past months.
My previous blog entries speak of how I am waiting, because I have grown tired of my own self-control. It speaks of my discontent as I try to fill my life with things that do not count – work, ambition, graduate school, a lot of books especially the erotic ones, food, too much sleeping- I actually allowed myself all the pleasure it can afford. But, no matter how I fill the emptiness in me, it cannot be assuaged. I was still longing.
The first reading got that correctly.
“Asleep on my bed, night after night I dreamed of the one I love; I was looking for him, but I couldn’t find him.” –Song of Songs, 3:1
I went through that phase and filled it with things that are not right in His eyes. I knew it but it was so easy to justify it. I was Magdalene. And I was not happy.
I keep wondering if there will ever be a time when I would feel the joy of His presence, the assurance of His love and I know I could not do that as long as I keep holding on to the novels that make it so impossible for me to be with Him.
Then, last Sunday, after so much pressure and so much trouble, I attended the SFC CLP Training. It was the first SFC event I went to after 10 months. I keep missing everything after I struggled over an identity crisis, with some fear and doubt thrown in. I am not sure how things changed. I felt it was brewing then for a while.I’ve gone back to hearing the Mass on Sunday. I was experiencing Catholicism anew.I was trying to convince myself that by just hearing the mass, I would be okay. I do not need to attend SFC activities anymore.But something was lacking.
So, that Sunday, I went back to the community I did not really openly turn away from. And things changed.It’s like I woke up.
All I know is that a Christian community helps you experience the fullness of God’s love. My Christian Community, the CFC-Singles for Christ, despite its imperfections (because its members are the very same human beings that God loves so much), helped me overcome the struggle… not in empty words of encouragement. I haven’t told anyone the struggle I was going through but their kindness, their concern, their availability to be used by God, made them all a conduit of His love for me. And so, in that old chapel in Duenas, I found God again or maybe, like Magdalene in today’s Gospel, Jesus found her, knew her, called her by name. It was only when Jesus called her by name that she realized she was not talking to the gardener but to the risen Lord Himself. (John 20:1-2, 11-18).
And when she did find him, “I held him and wouldn’t let him go until I took him to my mother’s house, to the room where I was born.” – Song of Songs 3:4

I am Mary Magdalene. My sins have shackled me from experiencing life to its fullest (and I know experiencing it to the fullest doesn’t mean just enjoying it but living life and feeling all the range of emotions man is supposed to go through and still feel love, peace and joy because you know that God is with you). I am Mary Magdalene. And He found me again, knew me, and called me by name.

Longing for God

(Psalm 63:1-8)

O God, you are my God and I long for you.

My whole being desires you; like a dry, worn-out, and

waterless land, my soul is thirsty for you.

Let me see you in the sanctuary;

let me see how mighty and glorious you are.

Your constant love is better than life itself,

and so I will praise you.

I will give you thanks as long as I live;

I will raise my hands to you in prayer.

My soul will feast and be satisfied,

and I will sing glad songs of praise to you.

As I lie in bed, I remember you;

all night long I think of you,

because you have always been my help.

In the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.

I cling to you, and your hand keeps me safe.

The Face in the Pool

 

The title has everything to do with today’s post and not because I found myself looking at some pool (I wish I did). I just found myself encoding a Reading Comprehension Test with that title… and English Reading Comprehension Test…for my ALS learners.

Twelve years ago, I entered the gates of West Visayas State University to start my preparation for a lifetime career as an English teacher. I love English as a language. I love learning about its nuances, its forms, its structures… I especially love all the literatures we studied. It was in the midst of English teachers and those aspiring to become English teachers that my philosophy of education has been formed. The entire learning experience shaped a lot of my beliefs, my ideals, my strange easy acceptance of the world.

I left WVSU as a proficient graduate and future English teacher (yes, I am that confident).

Then, five years ago, I found myself (sometime around this month or so too) rolling all over our floor, crying, thinking and pondering deeply. I was already a secondary school English teacher for three years back then, contracted with the Local School Board of our Local Government Unit and assigned to teach in my Alma Mater – Passi National High School. However, it was not a national item and for a teacher, teaching in a public school is a must, a necessity to safeguard not only one’s future but that of her family’s.

An offer I could not resist was placed before me. There was an item for an ALS Mobile Teacher. Back then, I was also working under contract with the ALS service provider in our division as an Instructional Manager, teaching out of school youth and adults. It took me months to ponder that decision. I told myself that when I make this leap, there would be no going back. I told myself that it would still be “teaching” and teaching is really the one I love… it does not matter what I teach as long as I am teaching. I still cried, because it also meant I would be giving up something I love too. It’s like loving marriage but getting married to a person you do not love and expecting that you will just learn to love him in the end.

On January 4, 2010, I became an ALS Mobile Teacher.

And now, honestly, I am hurting. It took a reading exercise in a Grade 6 book to open the wound that I have kept bandaged for four years. I feel so hurt now, so disappointed with what I have become. I feel so sad and I keep thinking about what I told myself five years ago. I told myself that whatever decision I made, I would never regret it.

And here I am, wondering if I am actually regretting the decision I made.

Life as You Planned It

 

I am a planner by nature. I like making to do list. I also like making daily “want” list. I have plans for one year, plans for the next five years, plans for the next ten years and hopeful aspirations for the remaining years of my life.

I have plans for myself, plans for my family, plans for work, plans for everything. I told you I like plans.

When my supervisor tells me to do work plans and action plans, my soul is thrilled. I can’t wait to challenge my imagination regarding how I want the future to be.

The problem with planning (and yes, there is a problem with planning especially at the end of the planned period) is that plans rarely materialize. Some of what you planned will happen but often, they happen in ways you least planned them to be. Some of what you planned never happens. And when you care, you get hurt and disappointed – a lot.

Lesson/Session plans are also the same story. Sometimes your plans are realized. Sometimes, they are not. Like right now, while waiting for my learners to arrive, I can’t help but feel disappointed because they actually failed to come. Only one learner came and we cannot do the lesson I have planned… not alone. So, I need to do something else for her… which is not in my plan at all.

Life never goes according to our plans. They seldom do. However, planning is still a good thing. It makes you understand what you want for the future and how you want it to be. I just have to learn not to get too immersed in planning because I just might be missing the point of living.

So, what’s on my plan today?

1. To live life to its fullest today.

2. To feel and really feel but not be overwhelmed or controlled by emotions.

3. To enjoy the moment!

4. To live this world a better and brighter place than it was before I came into it today.

5. To bask in God’s love every moment.

Still Seeking, Sometimes Praying, Always Hoping

 

I am not more enlightened than  I was months ago. I guess, I just feel more grounded, less afraid, more hopeful, more open, less excited, but still eager.

I can still feel my emotions strongly but I am now more willing to examine them very carefully inside my own heart, hoping and sometimes praying that it won’t explode and hurt innocent bystanders. I am in that in-between space again, still waiting, hoping, and sometimes praying.

A lot has happened in the past few months. A lot has also changed. Some of the changes were positive to everybody but to a broken soul like me, sometimes, these changes are not as welcome as I thought they would be. I had to adjust to new roles, new expectations and disappointments…

I had to make a place within me for the total acceptance that You are the Sovereign God, the All Powerful, All Knowing Creator who was, is, and always will be in control of everything in my life. You write my story, and I get to live it.

But, in giving You that space, I should also provide for the knowledge that accepting You does not mean everything would be easy, and that everything will fall into place. I just have to realize and accept that I need You so that even when things go wrong, You are still in control.

That even when I do not know the why’s right now, I should not worry, because I know the Who – that I know You.

I pray that I would always be able to say that honestly.