This is His Vineyard

 

Five years ago, God decided to place me in this field. It’s a really hungry field, a field full of weeds and little seeds. Nothing grows in this field, not much, really.The land is fallow, there’s not much water and no one’s really invested in this graveyard of lost hopes and empty promises.

When He asked me to farm this area, I agreed because I had no choice. Honestly, I did not want to become a Mobile Teacher. While I was forced to do a short stint as an Instructional Manager and Literacy Facilitator in ALS, I was the unhappiest little teacher in this corner of the world.

And then, out of the blue, God decided that I should do this work full time. Wow. I mean, I was too special and full of too much potential to be JUST a MERE Mobile Teacher. Why me, Lord? Why me?

When He sent me to a lot of seminars and trainings and when I made contact with the higher ups, I thought ALS was just a mere stepping stone for bigger things. Little did I know the bigger things He wanted me to have had nothing to do with the things I wanted for myself. I wanted a promotion, fame, fortune, position, power..

God had an entirely different music for me.And when I heard the song He was playing, I refused to dance to that crappy music anymore. I wanted to escape the painful path He wanted me to take. I wanted to turn back from this dreary road…

The disappointments still hurt. I can still associate pain with my job. There are days when I still feel like hiding under the covers on my bed and not getting up anymore. I still struggle a lot with my feelings of failure and I still cling to the principles I firmly believe in even when everyone is telling me I am out of place… but, all I know right know is this is God’s path for me… as surely as He has allowed me to wake up this day, I know this is exactly where He wanted me to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, even while everyday, my heart is hurting and hurting… because I know the pain will end and I know He has a better plan and I surrender to His plans… I will let Him lead me wherever He wanted me to be and I will let Him bring me to places where He wanted me to go even as I continually pray that He will put my career, my work life to good order.

These are some of the people I meet everyday. I just pray that He will continue to enable me to have the heart to fully commit to helping them in any way I can. I pray that He will provide us with the resources that we need. I pray that He will bless me with the wisdom to lead them, the heart to love them, and the passion to serve them..all because of Him and for Him.

God’s Miracles and our Roles in Them

 

The last time I attended our Lower North Sector Upper Heads Meeting was last March. A lot of conflicts in my schedule and certain emotional and spiritual state issues got in the way. (I probably did not think too much about the value of attending our Upper Heads Meetings).

Last week, I decided that no matter what my emotional or spiritual state is, I am going to attend these Prayer Meetings… it does not matter if they are near or far or if someone is going to travel with me to these parts but I will be attending them anyway.

My desires and decisions were affirmed in our Chapter Assembly and Prayer Meetings for the month of July. Sis Remz said “Unaha lang bala ya ana ka Diyos, indi ka guid magsala.” (Put God first and you will never go wrong).

Why have I failed to attend our upper heads meetings? One reason is I like to say yes to keep the peace at home. Nanay does not like it when I go off to wherever it is I go off for SFC. So, in my desire not to rock the boat, I would just stay at home and sulk. The lack of financial resources is another. I have made a mess of the resources God has given me (that is another story in itself), so I am suffering the consequences now. So sometimes, I can’t go because I do not have the money for the fare. Another reason is the emotional and spiritual state I am in. I have work to do and I am tired have become overused phrases for a long while now.

But, in truth, it’s just my lack of faith and commitment and my laziness that gets in the way. It’s true. God gives you everything you ask from Him especially when the purpose is for His kingdom. It’s just that I do not ask because sometimes, it’s easier to hide in my room and let life run away from me.

But, today I felt deeply affirmed for having attended the Upper Heads meeting. It has always been like this in our Upper Heads meetings. I don’t know exactly what the difference is but after it, I would feel stronger, better, and comforted. I would go home with a lightness and gladness of heart even if I would still be going home to the same problems and issues I left behind in the first place. I just feel spiritually stronger.

Today, I clearly felt God’s consolation and love. I felt His invitation. I realized that invitation has always been there. I felt He has been asking me to serve Him in this way but I have always refused Him because I desired something else, something easier, something I wanted when He wanted something else.

I thought I was an ALS Mobile Teacher because He planned to use ALS as a stepping stone in my rise to a higher position. I did not know that higher position does not mean a promotion along the higher echelons of DepEd. His promotion was something else. He wants me to do what He has done, to walk the path He has walked, to reach out to the people who needs the most, to go out and gather the the lost, the least and the last.

I am a Mobile Teacher not just for show. He led me into this particular work for a reason and it’s not just for me to grow in here. He has a purpose and I am praying that He would help heal my bitterness and my pain so I can be of better use in His miracles…

My Love Kita! Experience

Or Why I Attend SFC Conferences…

Attending the CFC-SFC Iloilo Provincial Conference for 2015 was God’s personal surprise for me.

I never expected that I would be able to attend the said conference. For the last two months, I have cajoled,convinced and threatened my mother to allow me to attend the said conference… but deep inside, I have already given up on the possibilities. I am far too cowardly to get what I wanted anyway.

I once threatened Nanay with a text message demanding that she should allow me to attend our ProvCon  since I am very close to my “snapping point”. When she asked me what I meant, I chickened out and told her to ignore what I said.

Nanay does not want me to go because she considers Carles too far (but its okay for me to attend work-related conferences to Baguio, Tagaytay and Cebu City… huh, figure that out). She also thinks that I can always worship God in my room or at Church which is the most important part of my relationship with God. (She just does not understand or maybe, she understands too well since she was once an active member of a religious org in her heydays!)

What changed the weather? I did. Or maybe, God enabled me to. He gave me the courage, the resources, and the opportunity to attend the conference at the last minute…

Few people will understand why Singles for Christ attend conferences like this one. In fact, until I experienced those conferences, I was never that eager to go. I mean, why spend the weekend in discomfort? (Our Love Kita! experience was definitely a story worth retelling).

Well, here are my reasons for attending SFC Conferences. Maybe someday, Nanay would be able to read this and understand why I feel the need, the longing to encounter my Beloved through SFC conferences.

1. I am given the chance to step out of the fast-lane called life and reflect on my part in God’s grand scheme.

Travel time from Passi City to Carles (the venue for the 2015 ProvCon) took 3-4 hours. We took the bus from Passi to Roxas and waited for the bus to Balasan from Crossing Lanot. After the two-hour ride to Balasan, we rode a jeepney to Carles (about 30 minutes).

 

The travel time alone is enough to let you think about life and where it is taking you. For me, the destination is not just the goal. Most of my significant musings and discussions with the Lord happens over the long-distance travel from our residence to wherever it is He is taking me.

One of my most memorable TRAVELOGUE with the Lord occurred on the four-hour trip to Concepcion, the venue of last year’s Intimacy Weekend Retreat. Because I had a prior engagement, I had to travel alone. And yes, it was the best travel experience of my life so far… because I felt His presence-His enfolding, protecting, loving presence on that bus ride to Concepcion.I felt so blessed and so overwhelmed that day.

2. I get to worship Christ on a deeper level, in the company of likeminded people who share in His love.

One of the experiences that I look forward to during Conferences is the Praise Fest. Praise fests are lengthy worship moments. During praise fests, we get to praise, glorify and worship the Lord through corporate worship,and by singing,praise and worship songs…

 

I am not a very expressive person but in the privacy, intimacy and solemnity of a praise fest in the SFC community, I feel as if I am able to freely let go and worship the Lord. I am allowed to openly immerse myself in His presence, in His pleasure, in His love.

During moments like this, I keep imagining the Lord, looking down upon all of us, with a pleased and happy smile on His face, and loving tears in His eyes.

I feel as if through this, I am able to express my love for Him and show that I know how good He is, how awesome, and amazing and how I believe that His love is so great and perfect. Through the praise fest, I get to express what words can never truly convey.

3. Through conferences like this, I get to encounter Christ.

 

Our Love Kita! experience has given me a unique perspective about life and about God’s love. The parish priest’s homily reminded us not to keep ourselves “exclusive” as a community. The charismatic revival, he said, was meant to empower the Church, to keep it burning hot and on fire. Instead of keeping God’s love within our community, we should reach out to the rest of the world.

And I realized what he meant by that the very next day when, in search of water (since the water supply in our lodging area was cut off), a poor couple offered us their home for our morning ablutions. They were not part of the community, and their home, after being devastated by Yolanda, was still in an impoverished state. But, they were very generous, and accommodating to us.

I think this is what the Parish Priest meant. Our activities within the community should not be limited therein. We must bring love especially outside the community for a lot of people need that love.

My encounter with the Lord taught me this…. We live in a broken world. Broken adults are raising broken children. And broken people, like broken glass, hurt others that comes into contact with it.

Christ is the healer of our brokenness and the world needs Him. It needs us to bring them to Him and Him to them through our actions, our words and our very lives.

God’s Presence in Every Journey

 

Life is a journey. And we don’t have to travel alone.

That is my realization during our sisters’ household prayer meeting this afternoon. Seven of us made it to the prayer meeting and each one shared their personal reflections about today’s Gospel from John 19: 31-37.

As household head, I read all the readings in advance. I did not want a repeat performance of our previous household meeting where I stumbled over the Gospel reading because I was not able to reflect on it. It was during that HH meeting that I learned it is part of my responsibility as household head to lead by example. I know we’re supposed to read the Daily Readings and reflect on them but sometimes, I fail to do this prayerfully (yeah, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak).

Today is the Feast of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. The readings focused on God’s love made manifest in Jesus’ humanity and Passion all lovingly and willingly offered for mankind – for me.

I felt moved by the Scripture readings today. My sisters in the community also affirmed that they felt the same way.

We shared our experiences and personal struggles and how we relied on His love, how we, sometimes, forget to bask in that love in our effort to control our lives, in the fears and pressures we feel everyday.

Today, we felt that we were urged to:

1. Believe that God loves us

The first reading today is a blatant reminder and testament of the kind of love God feels towards His people. It maybe addressed to the Israelites but I can easily picture myself in their stead.

“I loved Israel when he was a child; out of Egypt I called my son. But the more I have called, the further they have gone from me – sacrificing to the Baals, burning incense to idols… How can I give you up, Ephraim? Can I abandon you like Admah or make you like Ziboiim? My heart is troubled within me and I am moved with compassion. I will not give vent to my greater anger; I will not return to destroy Ephraim for I am God and not human. I am the Holy One in your midst and I do not want to come to you in anger.” – Hos 11: 1-2, 8-9

Despite whatever sinfulness and unworthiness and inadequacies we may feel, we should not hide from Him because He welcomes us with open arms. In fact, whenever we are troubled, we should run towards Him instead.

2. Keep our focus upon Christ on the Cross

It’s so easy to forget that God loves us especially when we are in a difficult or impossible situation.

     …..When our friends betray us

     …..when the pressure of people’s expectations overwhelm us

     …..when difficulties and struggles continually pile up to undermine our resolve to continue following Him

     …..when jealousies, lack of forgiveness, anger, and doubt asail our faith

These situations can sometimes get the best of us. However, we must not forget to look at our circumstances in the light of His love.

Jesus went through all these. All of His friends disappeared when He needed them the most. People, especially His followers expected a lot from Him which He knew He was not meant to do.

Before we went through our own personal pains, Jesus went through so much more for us. He did not have to do that, but He did, for us… His love held Him on the cross to restore us in relationship with the Father.

He did all that. So, when things become impossible, look at the cross and gaze upon Jesus. Let your gaze be a prayer too.

Each one of us has a struggle. Every one of us in the community is going through our own personal journeys. But, we don’t have to walk our journeys alone. We can travel with each other, continue to encourage each other, bless each other and pray for each other. We can walk as a community… and we can walk individually and personally with Jesus.

Our hope is in this: that in this journey, we will keep growing spiritually, richly affirmed by each others personal journeys as shared during prayer meetings like this one.

Faith: The Beginning

 

Now we have faith, hope and love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.c- 1 Corinthians 13:13

A serious seeker may have gone through a similar path,I will never really know.But, I did. I went from faith, to hope and then now, I’m getting to know love as a verb and a noun at the same time.

I remember my prayer when I first joined the CFC-Singles for Christ. I asked for faith.

My faith, back then, was primeval. It was the faith of a child who thought she must do good works so that she will be loved.

I thought God’s love is a conditional kind of love.

My faith was very weak. God knows how weak it was and how I constantly question everything around me.

I was very distrustful and controlling and I expected God to hurt me and fail me all the time. I had a lot of questions too and I never really accepted the easy answers to them. I had to know and I had to be sure, that was my mantra.

During the Christian Life Program (CLP), I asked our Discussion Group Leader (DGL) about how I can have more faith in God. My faith was minuscule. It was probably microscopic at best. She gave me one pat answer: Pray for it.

It was probably not the right thing to say to a doubting Thomas. Because praying needs faith. And I could not pray very well especially when I am not sure the one I was praying to was paying any attention to me. He doesn’t seem to be listening to me back then.

I did pray for it though. No matter how intelligent you are, no matter how you rationalize things, God will always defeat you. I could not win this battle without surrendering to the greater wisdom of God. I can’t find answers to my questions in books, to the people I talked to (and yes, I talked to many helpful Christians from many denominations and still, their answers did not make any sense).

Nothing was wrong with all their answers. I was in the wrong. I was looking at everything not with the eyes of faith, thus, I cannot comprehend them at all. I was trying to understand the beautiful mystery of the Lord with the world’s knowledge.

So, I prayed for faith. And I received what I prayed for. The faith that He gave me continues to grow stronger everyday. There are times when I weaken, when I forget, and then, I would try to control my surroundings or escape with a quick fix.

But, the microscopic seed is growing, especially if its is continuously nourished and fed with His word, with communal worship, with the Sacraments.

Faith was only the beginning. And just like modern teachers, God taught me faith in spiral progression, along with hope and love.

Stricken

 

I am a visual-symbolic learner. Words fascinate, titillate, and excite me. Song lyrics, poems, short stories, novels… I gobble them up waiting for the right lines to strike me. There’s just something about words that stirs my soul. Whipped right and proper, words make me cry, fall in love, laugh and just makes me feel mushy inside.(So, how can I help but fall in love with THE Word?).

Sometimes, certain phrases and ideas strike me and I just want to share them. Here are some of those ideas that left me breathless. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last one made me teary eyed. Because it’s a bit true with me. Several friends (friends with whom I thought I have opened up to) said I have very high walls around me that seems to block people from approaching… I really don’t know about walls. I really don’t want to block people or prevent people from coming close. I like being with friends who understand me, honestly. If I come across as aloof, it’s not intentional at all. I just don’t want to offend people especially when I say or do the wrong thing.

And this one tops the deal.

The Seeker 2.0

 

This is me, coming clean…

In the midst of the chaos of my mind, the flurry of activity around me, the anxiety of my soul, the longings and insecurities and fears of my heart… I was able to hear Him say to me: “Pause for a while… take it slow. Let’s take it slow.”

I was so anxious to rush into things. I was so defensive and all my walls were up. Jealousy, insecurities, fear and the need to take control of things filled me day in and day out. I snatched back the heart I surrendered in His care because things were getting out of hand.

I fell in love. I missed out on a promotion. I got a lot crazy. I came to realize the mistakes of my youth and the regrets were eating out at me. I succumbed to my weaknesses and let my dementia get the better of me. All in all, I was trying to take control of my life so that I could take care of the pain… or in the very least, numb my heart as I did before.

It did not work. It was the heavy streak of jealousy and insecurity that did me in. I am such a good actor that no one could really see what is happening in my heart and its something I can never really share because I do not want to destroy friendships and good relationships when my secret feelings come to light. I want the object of my affection to be happy in his choices. And if it so happens that he likes someone close to my heart, its okay. She’s a good choice for him. She will take good care of him. He is a good choice for her. A steady person who is dependable, one you can trust and rely on… such a pillar of strength has been missing in our lives so far.

I am probably leaving clues around here (and I am keeping my fingers crossed that those significant people won’t be reading this) but yeah, it was love that did me in. And when love is outside the context of its Godly perspective, when we try to love without God in it (probably because we want to preserve a portion of our hearts and our minds and reserve something for ourselves…) we become selfish, our vision narrows, we become jealous…

The other day, I decided to come clean to myself and to God. Yes, I am jealous and denying the jealousy is warping up my thinking. My actions were already unkind and yeah, spiteful. So, I decided to give my heart back to God (and I do not want it back).

In His hands, my heart will be safe. In His care, my heart will be okay. I am no longer sure if I want to pursue becoming a religious sister. Let me be honest here. Wanting to become a religious sister has been my defense mechanism for a long, long time. It kept my heart safe (the image of a princess in an impregnable tower without a charging prince or knight in shining armor). I don’t really feel called. There was and is no sense of being called to be one inside me. I just wanted to feel so special that I made myself believe God chose me for this special vocation. (Being rejected and bypassed and being unnoticed a lot of times for not measuring up or because of your physical appearance, incapacities takes a toll on a vain, female heart. It’s so easy to disregard the need to feel loved and appreciated when you tell them you have reserved your all to the Lord).

I will also be honest in here. I am like all the other girls in the world. I also want to get married someday. I guess for a long time, I resigned myself with the possibility of not being able to get married because of my weight. No guy could ever like a girl like me, I decided. I still won’t believe romantic love can happen to someone like me. And so, I have learned to hide my heart so that it won’t ever feel a man’s rejection.So that it won’t ever be hurt… but,despite all the hiding, love still caught me unawares. And my heart is hurting… since I can’t stand the hurt, I decided to give my heart to God… so He will keep it safe for me.

Maybe, someday, I would also know love in that other sense…Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know what God has in store for me. All I know is, from now on, I am focusing on Him. Getting to know His love. Getting to know Him. If He decides to give my heart to someone, I am sure its because He trusts that this someone will help Him care for my broken, fragile heart.

Maybe, someday….

But for now, Jesus and I will take it slow… as I explore the greatest love story and romance of my life.